Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Plot's End

What the shit did I just watch? I'd like my $4 dollars back please, Blockbuster. I think I'm serious.

Around 7:00 last night, I decided to sit down and watch the final installment of Disney's money-making juggernaut known as Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The following is as good of a review as I can muster up at this point in the morning.

We open on those tightass English George-Washington-permed-hair-looking pricks hanging a bunch of people in the town square. Apparently these people had ties to pirates or something, and jolly old England ain't havin nothing of it. The Pirate life is coming to an end. OHMYGOSH, that's why it's called 'At World's End'! I get it! And that's the last thing I understood from this awful fucking movie. Cue next scene, where hotass Kierra Knightley is rowin a boat somewhere in east Asia. Do they have makeup in 1600whatever year it is? Anyways, so Kierra Knightley and that Barbosa guy go talk to Chow Yun Fat, some pirate lord guy who they need help from. He's got a map they need. Oh shit, there's Will Turner, played by Orlando Bloom. For some reason he's all tied up. Chow Yun Fat, who's sporting a sexy 2-foot long rat tail on his chin, says that Will Turner tried to steal it from him. Oddly, lovers Will and Kierra aren't getting along. Ok. Barbosa and Kierra tell Asian guy that all 9 Pirate 'Bretheren' are meeting to discuss things somewhere far away. He gets mad and demands more steam. STEAM! Steam baths are important back then, I presume. GOD DAMMIT MORE STEAM! "I NEED THAT SHIT TO FUNCTION!" he yells. He didn't really yell that, but he might as well have, cuz I laughed. Oh well you look at that - Barbosa's pirate hooligans have control of the underground steam room now and they're not doing a good job giving dude his hot air. There's shenanigans-a-brewin! Sure enough, Chow Yun Fat gets pissed and a fight ensues. Cue tightass English assholes, who politely knock on the door and let themselves in. PSYCH! They bust down that door with some force and its CRAYZAAAAYYYYYY! Theres swords and guns and people gettin stabbed. It's a free for all! Even some fireworks blast away in the night sky. You know, since they're in ASIA theres FIREWORKS! People die.

Whew, close call. Will Turner, Elizabeth, and Barbosa are ok. But those English assholes are persistent. They better do something drastic, before their world as they know it is over. They decide to go rescue Captain Jack Sparrow. Unfortunately for them, he's in 'Davey Jones' Locker' along with the Black Pearl. Davey Jones' locker isn't a small metal cabinet that houses dirty socks and smelly athletic shoes. It's a never-ending, white, barren land mass that bad people get sent to when an octopus swallows you in a Disney movie.

So you've got your main characters now, and some familiar faces from the previous films. Like the dude w/ the fake eye that pops out and his pudgy friend. You'd recognize the others, but I'm not going into detail. Next scene we see our wordsmith Jack Sparrow at the helm of his ship. And would you look at that - he's BAT SHIT CRAZY! There's tons of Jack Sparrows! THIS IS GREAT. Chicken Jack Sparrow's, Unattentive Jack Sparrows, a Jack Sparrow washin the poop deck, Jack Sparrow at the ship's wheel. This scene is stupid. He's going nowhere in this desert, as his ship is, well, not moving cuz it's on land. He comes to his senses and jumps overboard. He tries to skip stones on the land. It doesn't work. For some unknown reason, the stone is a crab. The crab calls his magic posse to appear and 2 million crabs carry him and the ship to the mouth of this purgatory basin, where our afforementioned friends have arrived. Some crewmen have died on the journey.

After the journey back to the real world, we're in this Pirate Bretheren Court room. The pirates have to decide what to do about the English assholes. Kierra Knightleys character is made Pirate King, and Keith Richards looks like he does in every day life: Nuts. Another plot twist happens at the mention of the Sea Goddess 'Calypso'. Apparently that Louisana looking/sounding woman from the bayou is some incredible sea creature with a power not to be messed with. I haven't understood a word this broad has said during the entire movie, so this is news to me. She has some wicked gingivitis.

This is where my review lacks, because Will Turner, Barbosa, Jack Sparrow, Hot Kierra Knightley, English Asshole Lord Beckett, and Tentacle man Davey Jones keep meeting up and trying to make deals with each other while the viewer is left jerking themselves off cuz nothing in this movie makes sense. It doesn't matter if you've seen the first two before. It doesn't matter if you've just got done watching 6 hours of the other 2 right before this one - you will be confused. Lets fast forward to the final scenes.

So the last remaining Pirates of the Earth gather to take on the European armada controlled by Lord Beckett, who has Davey Jones' heart in a box and therefore controls him and his ship 'the Dutchman'. Jack Sparrow still wants to kill Davey Jones. Will Turner still wants to bring his dead dad back from the clutches of the Dutchman ship. Hot Kierra Knightley still wants to wreck Lord Beckett for killing her father. Barbosa wants...well, he probably wants this movie to be over with.

The pirates bring up the Louisiana crawfish woman they've had locked up for a bit below deck. They're gonna release her (as she is Calypso - snap!), and hopefully she'll fuck up that English Armada. She breathes in some pirate marijuana and turns into the 50ft woman. I laugh, hysterically. It turns out she's a walking STD, because one minute later she turns into the crab posse from before. I don't get it, but I laugh harder. I'm not making this up people. Just as the armada closes in, a storm erupts and creates a swirling water sinkhole. The black pearl with our heroes aboard and the Dutchman boat with Davey Jones with some English assholes head into the waterhole for a battle of epic proportions.

repeat. I can't understand what anyone is saying. People die.

The visual onslaught goes for 10 or 15 minutes. Davey Jones and Jack Sparrow somehow get on top of a huge sail and fight with swords. It also is hilarious. I'm so pissed at this movie right now and realize that I've been watching it for 2 and a half hours. I don't think Jack Sparrow is clever or funny anymore, and I don't care who wins. I just want to see a peak of Kierra Knightleys sideboob. Alas, no sideboob ever came. But her and Will Turner are kickin some ass! Then they get married by Barbosa on the ship during the skirmish. Compelling! They kiss and shit blows up around them in slow-motion. People probably die.

Except for the barnacle clad dead sea-creatures that are forced to be with the Dutchman ship. Boy, if I was in that battle, I would not want to swordfight an already dead being, because ITS ALREADY DEAD AND YOU CANT KILL IT. God this movie sucks. Johnny Sparrow drops the heart box and someone recovers it. Will Turner gets sworded by Davey Jones and Elizabeth is heartbroken. Crap, she was only married to him for 4 minutes. For shame. Someone gets distracted - probably by people dying off camera. And the next thing you know Jack Depp just stabbed Davey Jones' heart with the hand of a dying Will Turner. Is this shit over yet? Water sinkhole stops and everyone can breathe a breath of musty dead air.

Oh I get it. Will Turner now has to control the Dutchman for 10 years with the barnacle-clad dead sea creatures on the ship. But his dad is free? Or something. He's on a romantic getaway with Elizabeth. They make out on the beach. He gets on his ship and heads over to the black pearl to see if anyone aboard wants some egg rolls from East Asia. Lord Beckett sees his flying dutchman ship in the distance and is all happy because he thinks it's going to destroy the Black Pearl finally. By the way, how is that ship still floating? Pretty sure I saw wood cracking, sails ripping, etc - and that vessel should not be afloat still. Anyways. The Dutchman and the Pearl pull a fast one on the main Enghlish Asshole ship and go right for Lord Beckett. He freezes under pressure like Stevie Wonder on the free throw line. English assholes abandon ship as our heroes approach from both sides. Cannons shred the English ship and Lord Beckett's last words are from a Marketing Strategies class he took a couple years before, saying "It's just good business." What in the fuck? He dies.


Ummmmm. I was THIS close to stabbing my eyes with my keys, Disney!

Things I learned from Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

  • Don't have relations with any woman from Louisiana. She probably has crabs.
  • If you play with swords in Asia, you're gonna get burned. By fireworks.
  • 17th century ships are indestructible. Many are still around today.
  • Kierra Knightley is hot no matter what she wears. Also - would be a better actress if she didn't speak.
  • French pirates are still the biggest assholes of the pirate world.
  • Keith Richards probably has a shrunken head of his mother in real life.
  • Johnny Depp has more money than your whole family, and mine put together x 5.


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

New Look & November Tunes

Hey internet folk,
As you can see, I changed the look of le blog. I didn't really like the other layouts color scheme, and my code/script knowledge is lacking, so for now you'll have to make due with the new look. Eventually when I fire up dreamweaver (props to Mom for CS3 for Christmas!) I'll hopefully get the look I want to have.
I don't want to 'adhere' to blog guidelines, but if you've noticed - most blogs have a theme. Music, sports, hobbies, what have you. Why should I choose a subject? Maybe I don't want to. I don't know why I felt the need to validate my OWN blog to you just now. Well.....this is awk-warrrrd. I'll leave you with November tunes, and hopes that the next entry will be a LOT more exciting.

13) Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn
12) Jay-Z - Blue Magic
11) 40 Watt Hype - Strong Feet on the Concrete
10) Five Finger Deathpunch - The Bleeding
9) The Stone Roses - Love Spreads
8) Shop Boyz ft David Banner - They Like Me
7) Paul Van Dyk ft Jessica Sutta - White Lies
6) DJ Babu & Jurassic 5 - Ducky Boy
5) Kanye West - Drunk and Hot Girls
4) Common - The People
3) Atmosphere - Watch Out! (hey you)
1) (tie) Felt - Breaker Down like a Shotgun
1) (tie) Biffy Clyro - Living is a problem because Everything Dies.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Lunch Break at Happy Wok

So today I decided to take my lunch at Happy Wok, a small Chinese joint about 2 minutes from my new place of employment. The following is what I wrote down, for no apparent reason, while I was eating.

Happy Wok, east side. 3:00pm. November 6, 2007.

  • The pictures of food in Chinese restaurants...oh boy. Stock food photography from 1987 - when they really used chicken, beef, and shrimp. Now it's just chicken, beef, and shrimp-flavored terrier. There's a reason they can't update those pictures on the light-up menu.

  • This is going to sound really stereotypical, but I don't care. If I saw anyone other than an Asian-looking individual cooking my food in the kitchen, I'd leave immediately. Speaking of, why are all Oriental kitchen's open-aired? It's begging the customer, "Yeah - look at me cook your food. Make sure I'm not doing anything gross!"

  • Chinese fans. They're pretty cool.

  • It's chilly outside today, and it's really chilly inside this place. I think they have the A/C on.

  • I'm drinking Mt. Dew out of a 20oz styrofoam cup. It's red with twin white dragons on it.

  • There's nothing hotter than that Chinese Mustard. Shit is lethal. That weapon will clear out your sinuses at the peak of your worst head cold ever. Tough stuff.

  • What part of the chicken could this piece have come from? Is this Sesame chicken, or mystery chicken?

  • I wonder how much more expensive the to-go white cartons with metal handles are over the ones that are handle-less?

  • WOW! There are some brocolli spears at the bottom! It's like I discovered buried treasure! Time - 3:25.

  • Oooh. That was a fatty piece of chicken. ::shudder::

  • Mt Dew refill - 3:27.

  • I wish white rice was nutritional. It's easy to make and I like it.

  • Happy Wok delivery drivers. Is there anything scarier? (Besides the chicken I'm still eating? Jesus, was that a beak I just ate?)

  • Most expensive thing on the menu - Family Size seafood delight - $9.99.

  • Definitely just finished a dinner size order of Sesame chicken on my lunch break. I'm sorry, stomach. I'm sure I'll be paying for it later...

  • My fortune cookie was distributed by: Asian Foods, Inc. St. Paul, MN. Minnesota? Interesting, sorta. My fortune: *Remember 3 months from this date. Good things are in store for you* Ooooh, a cliffhanger!!! I'll clear my schedule! Lucky #'s- 3, 10, 19, 22, 32, 46. When I was younger, I made it up that my fortune wouldn't come true unless I ate it with the cookie. I did it numerous times. Looking back on it, I think I did it just to get a rise out of people. I dunno.

  • Finished: 3:39. Back to the daily grind (of typing this up on the clock. Hah, suckaz!)

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Whudafxup with: Trailer Hitch Nuts?

Exactly what type of man do you have to be to put hanging testicles on your truck's trailer hitch?
A) Misogynistic
B) Insecure
C) Redneck
D) All of the above

Was your manhood questioned previous to those fake balls being placed on your hitch? Did you lose a drag race? Muddin' just not cuttin it these days for truck decor? I just don't understand why anyone would want an ornament like that on their ride. Sure you can put a 'bra' on your sportscar. But that's classy. Strap a swaying scrotum on your truck - you're an asshole. I find it hard to believe that I could befriend someone who has one. What could we have in common? Nothing. I looked up these 'truck nutz' websites, and the expected result was proven. Websites that probably don't have a webmaster because they look like they were made in the early 1990's. Remember early in high school, when you travelled over to those personal web pages hosted by angelfire? These are worse. See for yourself & try not to gouge your eyes out:,,
The worst part about all of this is that some prick is swimming in money in the bayou behind his house now. He's probably got some fat pockets. And it's not because of his testicles. I'd write more on the topic, but I can't because it irritates me. In the meantime, I'll think of a way to produce a vinyl sticker of tits to place your car's hood. Shit - now I'm the asshole.

answers: 1) D < watch this

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Watching TV on Wednesday, October 10th

So I'm watching TV last night and decided to write about what I was seeing...

And the annoying cartoon character of the year goes to...

This pink haired bimbo annoys the shit out of me. What do life-threatening gigantic robots who cut down trees or play basketball (Space Jam, anyone?) have to do with car insurance? Maybe I'm the only one whos annoyed by all of the commercials because I'm interested in advertising, but the campaign is obnoxious. Does anyone want to sign up for on-the-go car insurance? Does anyone really want to apply for car insurance online? Really? The internet is for live sports play-by-play, downloading new music, checking email, and watching porn. Lots and lots of porn. Gallons of porn. Metric tons of porn. I digress...
You want a good insurance tv campaign? Watch any of the Geico or Aflac commercials. Because, you know, that's what America is all about. Talking animals trying to sell you insurance. Amen.

Continuing on the Tv theme. MTV continues to amaze me with the ADD bullshit they continue spoonfeeding the 11-24 demographic. Is age 11 too high? Do 6 year-olds watch MTV? Vh1 actually paved the way for a new MTV special. I'm talking about the recent "be the new sex object of a washed up celebrity" shows. Flavor of Love was cool because Flavor Flav was slightly influential in the 80s and has an infectious personality (and makes a kickass halloween costume). More recently was VH1's "win the heart of white trash rocker" Bret Michaels. Why. He spells his name with one T. ONE T!!! The only reason the show didn't completely suck 100% is because he actually ended up choosing the blatantly obvious sweet, sexy, smart girl. Incredible. He does have a few brain cells left after all the coke. Fast forward to the present, where the ridiculous show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" is now on the air. What in the fuck. Approximately 6 years ago, I had some sort of odd attraction to Asians. I'm over it now. But all those years ago, an up & coming import car model name Tila Nguyen graced the wallpaper of my desktop. She was magical. Many moons later, she put modeling on the backburner to pursue a music career. She kinda sucked. Her stage name? Tila Tequila. That's the last I've heard of her...maybe 3 or 4 years ago. So I'm wasting away on the couch and "A shot at love with Tila Tequila" comes on. I was appauled at what I watched for an hour...yet...I...could not...turn....away. This "bisexual" airhead invites 16 girls & 16 guys (seperately) to 'get to know her' on the first night at her (MTV designed) house. The following is an actual scenario on the show. 16 girls are outside in various areas drinking & chatting. Tila walks around and greets some of them. Walks over to 2 girls (lesbians, mind you. But not butch lesbians - hot lesbians) sitting on a couch. No lie here - talks to just one of the girls - aaand starts making out with her after a minute. In Tila's little narration of the moment, she, and I quote:
"So I just dove in and made out with her right in front of whats-her-face." HAH! Remember in Flavor of Love when that one bitch took a dump on the carpet? This show will have scenes and moments that will surpass that. I have a hunch. Ambulances, catfights, brofights, 30 people sleeping in ONE gigantic bed...the list goes on. And that was just the series PREVIEW! Do yourself a favor and watch the show at least once. After that its up to you if you want your IQ to decrease more. One last note - why do contestants need to aqcuire, or hold on to some official ornament on these shows? For Flavor of Love, ladies had to vie for a clock. Bret Michaels - a VIP pass. For Tila's show, contestants must hold on to their 'key' necklace. Made me think of what I would give to the lucky ladies on my show. A few ideas: A junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendys (fresh & hot of course), a remote control with dead batteries, the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, or a sack of Yukon gold potatoes, perhaps. Any other suggestions would be much appreciated.

Still with me? Great, because I saved the best for last. NBC has just proven to me that TV is NOT dead. In a message from God himself, and approved by Chuck Norris, NBC has decided to bring back American Gladiators. This show was singlehandedly my absolute favorite program as a youth growing up. Forget Talespin, Land of the Lost, or Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers. American Gladiators was where it was at. I am so excited NBC is bringing back this show that I JUST fell out of my computer chair. Who will the new steroid-induced American Gladiators be? Will Larry Michaels still be the trusted Referee? Will Nitro still be an asshole? Even better - HULK HOGAN IS THE HOST. Hulk Hogan, people. Get excited. Will Brooke Hogan be the sideline reporter? Probably not. A man can dream though, right?

October Tunes:
16) Blindspott- Yours Truly
15) Opshop - Maybe
14) Spoon - The Underdog
13) Cold War Kids - Hang me out to dry
12) Dead Kennedys - Holiday in Cambodia
11) The Coasters - Down in Mexico
10) The Cars - Moving in Stereo
9) Exies - Different than You
8) Brother Cane - The Road
7) Iron & Wine - Wolves (Song of the Shepherds Dog)
6) Test your Reflex - Pieces of the Sun
5) The Black Keys - When the Lights go Out
4) Atreyu - Becoming the Bull
3) Sixx:A.M. - Life is Beautiful
2) Samuel L. Jackson - Stack-O-Lee
1) Sea Wolf - You're a Wolf

Big gulps, eh? Welp, see ya later!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

So it's been awhile

So it's been awhile. I shouldn't have left you hanging there with nothing to read. Psh, as if you read this anyways. Let's get to tunes of the month:

August Tunes
12) Evan's Blue - The Pursuit
11) Three Days Grace - Never Too Late
10) Sevendust - Beg to Differ
9) 311 - Reconsider Everything
8) The Used - Pretty Handsome Awkward
7) Regina Spektor - Fidelity
6) The Kooks - Naive
5) Hellyeah - Alcohaulin ass
4) Le Tigre - Deceptacon
3) Monrose - Hot Summer
2) Murs - BT$
1) Operator - Soul Crusher


12) Kansas - Sweet Child of Innocence
11) Black light Burns - Lie
10) Neurosonic - So Many People
9) Houston Calls - One more won't hurt
8) Method Man - Rodeo (Ft. Ludacris)
7) Petey Pablo - Show me the Money
6) K Special - Not an Addict
5) Over it - Gunslinger
4) Say Anything - Woe
3) Finger 11 - Falling On
2) Kanye West Ft. T-Pain - Good Life
1) Kanye West ft Dwele - Flashing Lights.

New tunes for your pleasure. As you most likely already know, 50 Cent & Kanye had some sort of gay 'sell-off' thing for the release of their albums on the same day. 50 Cent is a moron with the IQ of an gnat. I won't go on ranting about this dumbassness - just know that I hate him. Songs 1 & 2 are off of Kanye's new CD titled 'Graduation'. It's good. Only 13 tracks, but no retarded skits or filler songs here. The following lyric comes from 'The Good Life', and it's hilarious:

Have you ever popped champagne on a plane
while gettin' some brain
Whipped it out she said she never seen Snakes On A Plane

This is why Kanye West is better than you.

And now, a short list of my top 10 favorite inventions.

10) Contact Lenses - I don't wear them, but I know people who do. I've heard good things about them.

9) Cellular Phones - Do you remember how people coordinated meeting each other before the use of cell phones? Yeah, you called their land telephone line and said, "I'll be there at 6pm". And then you showed up at 6pm. Weird concept, no?

8) Sewage Systems - Thank the Lord we have em. Think if we didn't. Actually don't think about that.

7) Power Drills - They're so cool. Who needs a screwdriver when you have a Power Drill. Just say it: POWER DRILL.

6) The Fork - A most often overlooked invention. Spoons are useful and all, but the fork takes the cake on this one. Literally. You don't eat cake with a spoon. And if you do, then you're just as dense as Fitty Cen'. And another thing - the spork isn't as cool as it should be. Will some company PLEASE develop a metal spork? Maybe then it will get some credit.

5) Internet - I'm comin to you right now via the Intraweb. HOW COOL. Al Gore should be so proud.

4) DVR - Folks. Listen carefully. If you have cable tv, and you don't have a digital video recorder device to go with it - then that's a shame. It's like having a car with no wheels whatsoever. Past roomates can attest to this, but I'm obsessed with rewinding live tv. Especially during sporting events...even tho you know the station will replay that big hit or home run 10 seconds after it happens. But I can't wait that long. I need immediate entertainment.

3) Rain X - Have you used this shit? It's unbelievable. Seriously. It makes raindrops just bead off your windshield and high-tail it onward. Windshield wipers have no become obsolete. Kind of like my communications degree / diploma.

2) Birth Control - Dear China: Use it. It works. Thank god.

1) Lists - Where would we be in the world if it weren't for lists. Think about it...they're everywhere. It's the only way I stay organized. The coolest list of all: The grocery list. Because how uncool would it be to actually write out complete sentences of the things you need:

I need grapes. I also need to buy bread crumbs for the tilapia that I'll be making tonight. Speaking of tilapia, I need to get approximately 4-5 filets of it.

You get the idea.

Finally, I still don't have internet at my apartment. I moved into a new place and my roomate has Dish Network. Dish Network sucks. It really does.

I just realized theres no videos or picture in this blog. Here's some Eye Candy:

Finger Eleven - Falling On:

More to come soon. Thanks for scanning...

Monday, July 23, 2007

"Attempting Floridian Fame" - A running journal of my 2 weeks in Florida

Words can't really describe the amount of fun I had in Florida this time around. From June 26th to July 5th, 2007, I saw so many good things and met so many interesting people that words can't possibly do the experience justice. But I tried. I took my 'black liquid mistakes journal' and wrote a few things down during my experience so I could remember better, and eventually, tell all of you who actually read this. As cloudy as this blog may become - it will be a 3 part series. Part 1 is Disney World. Person's involved are my family, my grandmother, and my 3 cousins with their parents. Part 2 is the adventure to Jimbo's bar, in (beautiful?) Biscayne Bay. Part 3 is about Miami. Hotel arrangements brought to you in part by Rick Schweitzer. Transportation brought to you by Derek Schweitzer.

Attempting Floridian Fame

Part I: Disney World

"You know I have to wear children's sunglasses" - Joy Hay

Upon arrival at the Animal Kingdom lodge, my mom goes browsing. There's plenty to see in the Animal Kingdom Lodge - african artifacts, soothing waterfalls, 3 inch long cockroaches...all set to tribal African music that will make you want to stab a screwdriver in your ears by the end of the 2nd day. We're all restless from a long bus ride from the Orlando airport to our hotel. It was excruciating. Our woman bus driver never got the pig above 30. Posted speed limit was 45. It was almost as if she were attempting to get her CDL while we were all passengers. Anyways, while my mom is walking around, my brother is ramming my suitcase with his. Neither of us had luggage, so prior to the trip my parents bought us some. Nothing like breaking in a suitcase by running your luggage-on-wheels into mine. Mom then knocks over a half dranken pepsi onto a Tanzanian inspired rug. Why a half drank pepsi was sitting on the ground is beyond me, but either way, I'm guessing the tapestry is most likely worth more than her Ford Explorer. Minutes later, I see her wandering into the gift shop with her large purple backpack wide open. I lean over to Jared, "I hope some shop worker tells her to close her backpack - or even better yet - search it on suspicion of mom stealing stuff." Jared laughs. 5 minutes later, she wanders back to us, backpack closed. She notifies us that a security hotel worker woman told her to close it. Hah, good stuff. Jared has been ramming my suitcase now for about 15 minutes. It's 2pm. He comes up with the brilliant idea to install off-road wheels on his luggage. Faaaantastic.

Grandma Margaret decides to accompany the Hay family to the Magic Kingdom for a day of watching small children cry for no apparent reason the next morning. Magic Kingdom? More like miserable kingdom. Speaking of miserable - that would be my brother and I (and I'm guessing my parents) watching the COUNTRY BEAR JAAAAMBO-REEEEE! This hootenanny was a bunch of robot inbred bears singing Americana tunes, complete with banjo's, overalls, and moonshine jugs - all with exzhilirating 1950's animatronic technology! (Seriously, folks) This show was not enjoyable. Through the unBEARable (get it?!) caucophony, Jared decides to go with the flow. As if it were out of a movie, he put his palms together and went with the beat. He succeeded in getting the entire audience clapping with the country bumpkin tunes. A true moment in human success to say the least.

A half hour later, my parents and brother decide to try out some Buzz Lightyear spinning shooting ride thing. I just hang out with my grandma. She's just chilling in her wheelchair, observing the massive amounts of people passing by. Out of nowhere, she turns around & says, "You don't see a lot of black people here. It's probably too expensive for them." WHAT?! Insert me laughing hysterically here. 2 seconds go by and she chimes in again, "There are sure a lot of Orientals though." Why are old people so ridiculously racist still. Sure, racism is still rampant in today's society, and old people grew up being racist. But wouldn't you think old folks, with their astute wisdom and world travels, would be more tolerant? Next thing you know, I'll roll up to my grandma's house and she'll have 3 negro's strung up to a tree in her front yard. After her socially unacceptable comment, what I should have responded with would be 1 of these 3 comments: A) Yeah grandma - check out all the old people here. They sure do emit a foul odor, eh?! B) Wow. I've never seen so many white people in one place before! or C) Yeah. But it's 2007 grandma - we call them niggers now! Her "I see black people" comment was around 11:00am. It's 4pm as I write this - and I can already tell its the highlight of my day.

June 30th, 9:45am. The german wonder is (hopefully) on his way to retrieve me. After 4 days in Disney, and spending $150 on nothing ($5 on cigars, $10 on a falafel sandwhich, the rest on alcohol - no really) I'm ready for a new scene. The question I'm asking myself is, "Is $300 enough for 5 days in Miami?" Will I get all my jollies in for under 3 bills? We shall see. Either way, I'm going out in flames. I'm sure I'll go back to the great north with 0 dollars, or a negative account balance. Let's do this. Let's attempt Floridian fame.

Part II: Jimbo's Bar, Miami FL

"You boys here to open up?!" - Jamaican Paul

(To truly grasp what Jimbo's bar is, please click on the links at the end of the entry. They describe it a lot better than I do here)

July 1st, 2007. Ah, coastal Florida. The first full day of Miami living ended with Derek and I taking Esquire Magazine's recommendation of Best Bar in Florida and headed to Jimbo's. According to the picture in the mag, it resembled THE dive bar of dive bars. So, on a Sunday at 9:00pm, we left to take on the night. Derek has a navigation system in his car. It's nice. It get's you places. Efficiently. Most of the time. We punch in the address that Esquire magazine gave us and head on out. We realize our navi tool took us to the wrong place when we approach a state marina/park - with a very large locked gate. Again, we consult our navigational computer lady. Miraculously, Jimbo's was in the 'OTHER' category under 'points of interest'. Why it wasn't in the 'bars & restaurants' section we werent sure. We finally turn on the right road, driving past an unattended security gate in a different state park. Maybe it wasn't a state park, we werent sure. It was very dark out by now. Driving down a Twisty turny road with trees on both sides of us - definitely reminded me of a horror movie. After a few more wrong turns, we came to the end of the asphalt. A small dirt road was in front of us, and we ventured further. Right before the end of the dirt road, I noticed a wooden, red, painted sign that read "JIMBOS" nailed to a tree...but saw no bar in sight. Just a few wrecked cars, vans, and aluminum boats sprawled around. We parked among the wreckage, facing the way we came for a "quick getaway," Derek said. We get out and noticed that one of the so-called junk vans had an inhabitant in it. A man was watching a portable tv in his Uncle-Rico-esque van, which emitted a creepy glow from the windows. We slowly walked over to what resembled a shack - in pitch blackness mind you, no idea what was in store for us. A shadowy figure was already in front of us, approximately 15 feet before us. "You boy's here to open up?" he said. There were no neon signs, no music, no LCD tv's, no...people. Only the sound of FL insects. We said, "Um no." The man's name was Jamaican Paul. A dirty old alcoholic hippie with a shitload of plastic jewelry on and a black fanny pack in front of him. Beer in hand, he rambled on for about 5 minutes about the "Jimbo Documentary" and "bringing girls back to party" - we were getting suspicious. Scratch that - we were suspicious 10 min prior to entering the park. Apparently Jimbo's is open from 7:30am-7:30pm. It's bring your own beer, which makes me wonder why it's even called a bar, and why Esquire Magazine FAILED TO MENTION THAT. I doubt the refugee camp inspired aluminum establishment even had running water. It did have an 'entertainment' area which included bench style stadium seating to view the Jimbo Documentary (sure enough, a 12 inch tv on a wooden end table!) Granted, there was little to no light so it was hard to make out anything at all. Now comes the point where Jamaican Paul (Did I mention he was white?) decides to make us (mostly just me) think our lives were over. "Check this out" he says, as he slowly unzipped his fanny pack. 'Well, I'm dead. I'm gonna be shot and or stabbed & be left for dead sinking in Biscayne Bay.' I thought. (Derek later informed me that he thought he was gonna pull out a monster joint...) Instead, Jamaican Paul pulls out a 'Jimbo Dollar' and 'Jimbo for President' sticker. A fake paper dollar with Jimbo himself in teh usual Presidential area. When I found out I wasnt going to be murdered, all I wanted to do was get a picture of this American Icon. Then leave, and soon. He would not let up about bringing back girls and beers tonight and then buying a Jimbo dollar. I'm sorry to say - I spent a dollar for something that's worth zero dollars. Between his babblings, we're getting eaten alive by quarter sized Floridian mosquitoes (exhageration, sure) in the complete darkness. I want to leave. Now. Not sure what Derek's mindset is, but I want out. I've been having a hard time understanding Senor Paul this whole time - Derek has been living down here for months now, so he has an easier time understanding the locals. Before we leave, I need a picture of this dude. Thank god I brought my digi. We parted ways with a fist pound - promising to return during the day - with our own beer. We walk briskly to our car, still amazed that, in fact, we were NOT in the twilight zone. We climb in. Up until this point not a single car rolled into this area. We were amazed to see headlights about 100ft in front of us, very slowly pulling up to the front of our car. And not just regular headlights - BRIGHTS. So we're like wtf. Why Derek just didnt just drive away, I'm not sure. But we've made it up till this point, so I'll respect his judgment. Naturally I assume the worst as the vehicle comes closer. So we wait for the automobile to ram us. Instead he pulls inches from the drivers side door. Derek rolls down the window, only to be yelled at in Spanish for 20 seconds. There was a sticker on the side of his pickup truck, and I must say it did look semi-official. Like park security or maintenance or something. Either way, Derek just says, "Uh...ok" and we drive off. I don't really know if I captured the sheer awkwardness/creepiness of this moment, but hey, I tried. I'll hopefully provide the conclusion to this saga when I return, during the day, with Presidente in hand. Until then, I'll enjoy my Jimbo dollar, and put some really good thought to how my Esquire hate letter should begin.

***There you have it. A confusing tale of sheer awkwardness. Please view the following links to find out the incredible world of Jimbo's. Music videos, album covers, Esquire magazine mentions - apparently this place is incredible during the day. Click the links, and be amazed I guess:
A great overall story on Jimbo's Bar:
The official website:
The City of Miami vs Jimbos debate:
more to come soon if they are available***

Part III: Miami Tidbits

"I've never seen dolphins here!! I hate you!!" - St. Oletta State Park worker girl

Let's backtrack a bit. Overall, I really didn't write too much while I was in Miami. If you know me, you know I like to make lists. They keep me organized, on top of things. Why I made a "TO-DO LIST" for my Miami vacation...I'm not sure. But against my better judgment, I'm going to tell you what was on this list. X's mean task completed, blank means the opposite.
[x] Take a pic with a hot black girl
[x] Tour the Miami Ad School
[x] Drink a 12 pack of Presidente
[/] Drink / eat @ Jimbo's (get's a half completed...sheesh)
[x] Show my portfolio to ONE person
[ ] Give 5 of my resumes away
[ ] Run a total of 11 miles
[ ] Go to either an art museum or aquarium
[ ] Go to Key West & walk Duval St.
[x] Disregard this entire list cuz i'm on vacation
[x] Cigars
[x] Rum
[ ] Find a SONIC. (we did see one, but we didnt stop as we were still 2 hours outside of Miami)

There you have it. A list of things to do while in Miami. How dense. If you're friends with me on Facebook, some of the images I uploaded pertain to this list. I'll do a picture blog in one of the next posts so you can see some of the things. Onward to the only thing I actually wrote about in the journal about Miami, other than Jimbo's: Kayaking. Derek and I took a morning to Kayak on the 3rd of July, I believe. Here's the rambling...

After a night of Presidente & White Russians (great combo, yes?) with Rick, I somehow woke my ass up around 8:30am to go kayaking. I've never kayaked before, so I was somewhat excited. Upon giving us the Oletta State Park kayaking map, I was a bit skeptical. Little animal icons of stingrays, manatees, dolphins, and turtle sightings in the area? Riiiight. Incredibly, 20 minutes into our adventure, I see something pop up in the water 100 yards in front of me. I tell Derek to look over yonder, and we paddle to investigate. No more than 20 yards now in front of us, were 3 dolphins coming up to get air. Truly incredible. These werent captivity dolphins - these were REAL FREAKIN DOLPHINS. So cool. I don't think I realized how rare this was until I got back to the check out station, where a late teen/early 20's gal park worker struck up a convo with me. "So how was it?", she asked. "Good. We saw some dolphins really close to us in the bay." "WHAT?!" she goes, eyes wide open. "I've never seen dolphins here yet! I Hate you!" Hah. Here I am thinking dolphins are a common thing to see. Apparently not. "They must like you", she said. Yes, they must. I'm in FL danget. That must mean all the stingrays, fish, crabs, and other wildlife I saw must like me too. God I love FL.

So there you have it. The complete journal entry of 'Attempting Floridian Fame'. Did I leave famous? No. But it sure felt great to leave reality for awhile. More pics and links when the time comes available. Till then, keeps it real.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Top 8 ways to hide the fact that you have a boner

Fellas. We've all been there. From an early age, when he just popped in to say hello for no fucking reason (right before you were called on to go do that math problem on the board). To the middle school dance (where you got to dance with Allison, the girl who developed faster than every other girl in school, tits firmly pressed against you). And finally, high school and college, where you fell asleep in class and woke up with one. The erection has been ever-present in our lives. Usually without welcome. In no way does this serve as an official guide to dismissing the pesky beast. Think of it more as . . . better ways to disguise him. Without further ado - The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner.

8) The inner-thigh squeeze: Although uncomfortable, placing so-called boner near the inner thigh and somehow getting it to 'stick' is #8 on the list. I guess it's all about friction? This option runs dangerously close to 'penile fracture' territory, so be sure not to go down too far with him. Penile fracture? That's not good. For ANYBODY.

7) Pinch yourself: A slight pinch'll get the message to your brain that says, "ouch". Basically just start hitting yourself. It'll take your mind off the fact your guy is filled with blood. For further reference watch the 40 Yr. Old Virgin when Andy calls the Viagra place or whatever and the Indian dude tells him ways to get rid of it. " take the hot ember, and place it on your wrist..." classic scene.

6) Have sex: Self explanatory. 'There's no better way to hide it, than to get up inside it' I just made that up now. Like it?

5) Don't wear sweatpants: Way to go, dumbass. You're on your own.

4) Think ugly thoughts: Or, if you will, unsexy thoughts. Grandma. A rocking chair. Toothpaste. Gum disease. Rwanda. Coffee tables. Dyslexia. Any of those will usually work. Unless of course one of the above items really get your motor runnin. I hate to throw out another movie reference, but it worked for Austin: Baseball, cold showers. Baseball, cold showers. MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY!

3) Fold your hands neatly in front of you: Not only do you disguise the fact here, but you also look like a distinguished gentleman. But that couldnt be further from the truth, sinner. This option is a good one because you dont have to shift him, mess with him, or the like. Works standing up or sitting down. A win win situation.

2) Sit down (Or continue sitting) It's all about the angles. When sitting down, we get that whole 'jeans boner' thing with shorts/pants/jeans bunching up near the crotchal region anyways. Embrace it! But like I said, it's about the angles. Say you're sitting down, your legs and torso meet at 90 degrees. Boner guy is midway, pointing at 45-50 degrees. Whatever. That's fine, roll with it. It's gonna be hard for anyone else to see. Let me rephrase that. It will be difficult for anyone else to notice it. That's better.

1) The waistband tuck: A proven tactic. Every guy has done this. You know why? Cuz it works. A century old tradition that's stuck around through the ages. Black, white, English, Jew - they've all done it. To perform the act, nonchalantly with one hand direct him up and under the waistband of the current pant you'd be wearing. BAM. Stealth dick. Now walk around care free. If someone asks you about the bulge, just yell 'ITS NOT A TUMAH!'. Shit. 3 movie references in one post. Shame on me.

There you have it. The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner. Hope the list is complete. Obviously if you have any thoughts or ones that I missed, do tell. Now walk it off:

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Jakey Jakey about to make a big - Updatey

Come on a ride with me!
So in case you didn't know - I live in Madison now. It sure beats commuting 45 minutes to & from Whitewater. So far, well, it's been interesting. Tuesday through Thursday I'm at Extra Bold Portfolio School as an intern during the day and student during the night. Friday through Monday I'm at The Great Dane Pub & Brewery. Speaking of - hey that job blows! Whenever someone asks me what I do there - I put my head down and mutter the phrase "I'm a bitch". If you were to ask me years ago what I would be doing at age 23, I would not have said, "You know. Working at a bar being a bitch, and going home to mediocre housing". I made $15 last Monday. Seriously. A small fact for you: I've never received a paycheck over $500. True story.
Let's go on to the 'mediocre housing' portion of that quote above. I live in Arbor Hills apartments, conveniently located a little west of Madison right on the beltline. I've lived here approximately 2 weeks, and so far a total of 5 police cruisers and 2 fire trucks have been in front of my building. Story time again! Two nights ago, coming home at 7:00pm, I noticed 3 ghetto ass white kids grilling out in the yard in front of the complex across from mine. Fast forward to 9:30 at night, when I notice blinking red lights plastered on my wall via the window. Sure enough, a large firetruck with scurrying firemen around it outside. Beyond the truck, I noticed black, billowy smoke emitting from the garbage dumpster next to the apartment building. Now this is only a guess, an assumption, a conjecture - but I'm beting those dumb wiggers threw their hot coals in the garbage dumpster, causing a FIERY BLAZE! Arbor Hills Apartment Complex? No - Arbor Hills Retardville Projects.
Alas, with the lack of income as of late, the State St. Challenge will have to be put off until further notice. Hell, I haven't even figured out the apparatus my PC will be sitting on. Wow what a pathetic display of - shit I don't even know. Not only do I not have a desk, but I'm typing this due to the fact I'm stealing internet from some poor sap above me. Thanks wireless USB network thinger from Linksys! Paying 250$/month rent might involve me whoring myself on Fish Hatchery Road...

I suppose I should be putting my 'top tunes of the month' in my blog. Here's last months and this months:
18) Kelis - L'il Star (Linus Loves Remix)
17) Linkin Park - Krwlng (reanimation)
16) Girl Talk - Smash your head
15) Teddybears Stockholm - Punkrocker
14) Beyonce & Jay-Z - Upgrade U
13) DJ Khaled ft ...everyone - We Takin Over
12) Fabolous - Diamonds
11) Felix da Housecat - Rocket Ride
10) Gorillaz - All Alone
9) Hall & Oates - You Make my Dreams come true
8) Baby, Lil Wayne, T-Pain - Know what I'm doin
7) Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
6) NWA - A bitch is a bitch
5) Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks
4) Remy Zero - Prophecy
3) Timbaland - The way I are
2) Teddybears Stockholm & Mad Cobra - Cobrastyle (BEST VIDEO EVER)
1) Pimp C - I'm Free

11) Rush - Far Cry
10) Damien Rice - Cannonball(acoustic)
9) Good Charlotte - The River (Sorry, I had to. I didn't want to though...)
8) Flunk - Blue Monday
7) DJ Tiesto ft JES - Everything
6) Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
5) The Sounds - Painted by Numbers
4) Deathcab For Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan (Blake Jarrel Remix)
3) Ludacris - Slap
2) The Shins - Phantom Limb
1) Anberlin - Godspeed

Also in music news - Coachella was last weekend in sunny (and hot) Indio California. I highly recommend spending an hour or two and browsing some of the videos of the event on youtube. There are tons. And of course, here are 2 from my favorite band (Guy...) known as girl talk:

alternate angle:

Lastly - what's the deal with toe hair? It serves no purpose. Feet are bad enough as it is - is the hair necessary? Would it make me less of a man to trim it? Not that I have, or I'm going to - but just saying. This blog has been a wierd one, sorry. I don't think it's concise at all. Woops. Later.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


So movies suck nowadays. What's the ratio of good movies to shitty movies? Really think about it. My guesstimate is that 1 out 6 movies will be 'good'. Good as in...somewhat enjoyable. The ratio of great movies in recent times has to be... like 1 in 20. You may be asking, "what is this blog about, Jake?" It's about Hollywood movies and the shitty sequels they continue to produce.
Let's backtrack. A friend of mine, a one Sir Stephen Koontz of whom I graduated with, made the life changing trek to California. He now lives in Los Angeles, where he does whatever he wants I guess. Either way, the following is from a stalkbook note he wrote about the movie industry and its upcoming moviefilm productions:

My Most Anticipated Sequels of 2007:
1. Ocean’s 13
2. Shrek the 3rd
3. Spider-Man 3
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
5. Evan Almighty
6. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
8. Harold & Kumar Go to Amsterdam (might be delayed into 2008)
9. The Golden Age (sequel to Elizabeth)
10. Live Free or Die Hard
11. Rush Hour 3
12. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
13. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
14. National Treasure 2
15. 28 Weeks Later (Sequel to 28 Days Later)
16. How to Lose it All (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)

This next group of sequels I can do without (In no particular order because they all look bad)
Alien V. Predator 2
Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Fahrenheit 9/11 ½
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Untitled Friday the 13th Prequel
Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming or The Dead Speak, either way it’ll be bad.
Are We Done Yet?
White Noise 2: The Light
Bringing Down the House 2
Boogeyman 2
Hostel: Part II
Resident Evil: Extinction
Saw IV
Wrong Turn 2- Can’t be good without Eliza Dushku
Hood v. Evil- sequel to Hoodwinked

2008: My most anticipated sequels
1. The Dark Knight (Next Batman film)
2. Bond 22
3. Angels & Demons (Prequel to The Da Vinci Code)
4. Wolverine (Spin Off of X-Men)
5. Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures
6. Sin City 3: Hell & Back
7. The Brazilian Job
8. Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction
9. Boondock II: All Saints Day (Rumored)
10. Terminator 4
11. The Last Flag Flying –Sequel to The Last Detail (Rumored)
12. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
13. Mrs. Doubtfire (Rumored)
14. Rambo Sequel (IV).
Wow. Where do I begin. Lets start at the top of the list.
Oceans 13 - Al Pacino in this one. He's either gonna be really good or completely pointless to the story. Let's hope that dancing english fag doesn't make another appearance. God I hated his yoga tight lycra pants laser dance experience in Ocean's 12. Almost ruined the movie for me.
Spider Man 3 - I'm one of few who doesn't like this series. Loved the cartoon though. But Toby Mcguire - you're still a (ripped) skinny bitch. And I don't think radical plastic surgery could make Kirsten Dunst attractive.
Pirates of the Carribean 4 - Is this series done yet? God I hope so. Kierra Knightley will be the only reason I don't fall asleep in this one.
Evan Almighty - This will be good. Granted, Bruce Almighty doesnt need a sequel. But Steve Carel (40 year old guy who doesnt have sex) playing Ark-building Noah and Morgan Freeman as God again, I don't think they can go wrong.
The Bourne Ultimatum - F. Yes. Next!
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - Needs no explanation. No Bruce Willis appearance in this one, but we still have Jessica Alba and Mickey Rourke as Marv. Rumored to have Antonio Banderas and maybe even Johnny Depp for this one too.
Live Free or Die Hard: Die Hard 4? If you havent seen the INSANE trailer, go find it. Dude flies a fighter jet. That's just ridiculous. Could be great, could be awful. I'm sure it will be all hollywooded-out and I'll hate it.

And on to Stephens aptly titled 'sequels I can do without'. For the most part, he's right on the money. Since I'm a huge Alien/Predator fan, I can't wait for AVP2. Especially since (surprisingly) AVP wasn't a bad movie. How the shit is Mr. Bean still a movie franchise? Are the Brits stupid or retarded? I can't think of a more annoying character. White Noise 2? Hostile 2? Hills have eyes 2? COME ON. People will see these movies. Those people are the ones I wanna punch in the eyes. So they are blinded. So they won't see STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS. And give movie makers ongoing reason to make awful flicks.
Saw IV - I really liked Saw. I enjoyed Saw II. But boy - I haven't been more offended as a movie goer since Saw III. A grotesque disgusting waste of 2 hours. A complete waste of time. A movie that was made just to push visual boundaries (and the stomach's of everyone in the theater) Sad part is I'm sure this movie will make millions. Pure trash. Seriously.

On to 2008's anticipated flicks. If you're still reading, Kudos to you. Speaking of, I don't remember the last time I had a Kudos chocolate bar. Those things are great, but are a tad too small to satisfy my snack hunger. Onward...
The Dark Knight (Batman sequel) - Christian Bale was a great Batman. Batman Begins could have been a terrible movie, but it turned out to kick major ass. Bale was better than Kilmer, Clooney; maybe even Keaton.
The Brazilian Job - Is it just me, or does this sound like an infomercial for some sort of crazy bikini wax that was really popular in Brazil in the late 90's, and now *FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY*, you can get your very own 50 oz bottle of BRAZILIAN JOB BIKINI WAX! By the way - Charlize Theron: Call me.
Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction - Le sigh. Jurassic Park series got progressively worse with every new movie that came out. Let's face it: Jurassic Park 3 was almost laughable. Amen for "The Exctinction" though. Means they can't make any more after this one. Unless of course they do a prequel. F you Hollywood...
Boondock Saints II : I'll be the first (or...thousandth) person to break it down for you - This movie is never coming out. It's been tossed around forever, script has been rewritten a million times over, actors sign on then off. If it does come out, it won't be good. Boondock Saints was a cool movie (for entertainment purposes), but it should just be left alone.
Terminator 4 - Not gonna lie, I know nothing about this. I'm not going to pretend to either. Will Arnie be the machine again? Either way, COME WITH ME IFF YOU VANT TO LIVE.
Mrs Doubtfire - ?!?! I'm there. Please, please please don't make this movie with Robin Williams.

There you have it. In the end of Koontz' post, he went on to say there will be 3 more Star Wars movies as well in the 2020's. One can only hope Jar Jar will be back for those . . .
. . .kidding. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

'Pede meets plunger; Oak takes on chainsaw. . .

Its the season of destruction apparently. I should have posted this kill immediately after creating the previous blog, but I was very tired and ran out of blog energy. If you haven't seen this yet, it's a keeper. No explanation needed really - just watch it.

What did I do for spring break? Glad you asked, reader! I went to tropical Kansasville, WI to watch a 300+ year old oak tree fall. Think about that. This behemoth of a tree stood long before our country was even a country. That's some heavy shit right there folks. Naturally I got all art-faggy with my new digital camera I'm obsessed with. The video and pictures do need a bit of backstory.

I want to say the year was 1994 or 95. We have a ton (50?) trees surrounding the four acres of land we have. One stormy night, a bolt of lightning hit this oak tree, right in the middle. Unfortunately for the native foliage, it met it's demise. Years passed as large limbs fell to the ground. (This lightning strike also made my golden lab 'Sam' permanently afraid of thunderstorms. From that point on - the dog would literally piss himself every time a clap of thunder was heard 23 miles away. Sad really. I digress...) My grandfather, who lives in the house next door to me, was determined to cut down this tree, along with all the other dead ones on our property. Whatever. He knows a lot of people - and these people were gonna cut down the trees and take the wood - for free. Knock yourselves out.

Cue four middle aged men. Aged 45 to 70. The, chainsawer guy is named Mike. Mike is one determined boozehound. No lie - apparently days before I got home, this guy would would go up in a hydraulic lift 25 feet in the air with a chainsaw and a cooler with 10 beers. And, well...cut down limbs off this tree while suckin down some cold ones. In a matter of 2 to 3 hours. I can't think of a better combination really. Chainsaws and relaxed motor skills.

I won't go into detail of the process it took to take this tree down - it was a 2.5 hour debocle. A tension chain wrapped around a maple 25 feet away creaked & groaned more than the Oak did. It was almost comical.
Final tree trunk dimensions: Circumfrence: 21 feet. Diameter: 6' 1" Size: Frickin' huge.

Pics? Sure why not.

(About 30 feet away. Looks normal. But compare it to the trees next to it. Yeah)

(Really, really far away. I'd say 100 yards.)

(This picture is great. We got 4 guys slammin brewskis deciding how to conquer the beast)

(The tension chain strapped to the maple that I was blabbing about)

(Timber. 8:40 pm. Tough sum'bitch. The guy is holding the ROTTED inside part that was holding the tree up. Nature. It's magical.)

(Hah. My mom is 2 feet smaller than the diameter of the oak.)

I have video of the tree falling but it's kinda weak. That and youtube isnt working now. For future reference, my youtube page is . Seacrest Out!

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Invasion is upon us. . .

Greetings from Boone Court. You know, Boone has been a great place to live so far. Spacious interior, great party basement, room for 5. But with the good comes the bad. Like...a driveway composed of mud and rainwater that you get stuck in and have to eventually call a tow truck to pull you out of. Or a steep rent price for a drafty house (which makes for 340$ electric/gas bills 3 or 4 months of the year) and water leaking through electrical light fixtures via the kitchen ceiling. But let's face it, this is a college town, and thus, this is a college house. You're not gonna get luxury unless you live in bluff ridge or those other apartments off tratt street that I can't think of right now. Anyways, this house is old. On our circuit breaker downstairs, I believe theres a note written that says, "Installed & Inspected by (name)- 1957". Super. I feel safe.

So, with the seasons changing, so does Boone. A once cozy home in the winter, it now becomes a death trap. A lingering funk hangs in the air (And no, it's not the soiled couches that produce this funk). This is a completely different vibe. A sense of hostility. A sense of fear. The moist air beckons for the beast to come out of its lair. The predator has been incubating many a month, and is now itching to bask in the Wisconsin....darkness? Of course I'm referring to...

...the House Centipede. Think of the movie arachnophobia. But instead of spiders, we have centipedes. Big, small, medium, fat, skinny, ray lewis-like...they squirm in all shapes & sizes. And we have all forms. May God have mercy on the 5 poor women who inherit this house for the 2007-2008 school year. By the time they move in around late August, Jon and I will most likely have killed 100 of these things. And that's not an exagerration. During the Summer of 2006, I recall me and Jon being deadlocked at 48 a piece. I'm also not kidding when I say I'm going to document every single kill I (and Jon, if I'm here) make of these bastards. I'm putting my life to good use people. I started with a an associates in journalism and I'm leaving with a doctorate in centipede removal.

Embedded below this are two videos from a bit before midnight on March 23, 2007. I went to the kitchen to clean off a dish, and above my food cabinet was a nasty 2-incher. Sounds small, but the antannae adds a few pounds. Either way, sorry for the camera problems and the sound; it was the first time I took video with my digital camera (shout out to Mom for the digi). Enjoy, as I'm sure there will be more to come.

The Intro:

and the thrill of victory:

And that's how it's done. With a shoe. Cuz centipedes will crawl out of paper towel, laugh in the general direction of fly swatters, and do the backstroke when doused with water. Next up: High Intensity Raid, and eventually - Brake Fluid.
Please go here to learn about our adversary:

Till then, happy hunting.

Monday, March 12, 2007

"I'll take Potpourri for 600"

I haven't blogged it up in awhile. We have a lot to cover. Join me?

Last weekend was the 3rd annual 'Bar Scavenger Hunt', or as some call it, the scavenger 'drunk'. Despite the lower than normal turnout this year, I believe all who participated had a good time. Highlights included people stretching condoms over their heads, making out with randoms, public urination, and drinking heavily. If you want the list to look it over, you can get it here: . Click the link and right-click save-as on the link that's showed. Thanks to yousendit for the superb file hosting service.

Ever search your name on Google? I did the other day. Usually it's always the same stuff. Lo and behold, this time it wasn't! Apparently theres some new article database which has all my articles I wrote for the Royal Purple. For those of you who don't know, I used to be a print journalism major. Writing for the RP my sophomore year consisted of me turning in my stories late, then watching as the editors butchered and rewrote those stories to the point where you couldn't even tell that I wrote it anymore. And then maybe they'd print it. Check out the stories here:

Highlights include #4, which was my first beat story ever. I remember my news editor saying, "Jake, I want you to go to the health center and do a story on ways to protect yourself from std's." Cue me: "What?" Editor: "Yeah, they have some sort of dental dams there now, so go do a story on it." And you wonder why I never got into print journalism. Also noteworthy is link #2, an editorial response I wrote to some douchebag freshman kid who said that he wanted tuition raised because 'all Whitewater kids have nice fancy things'. What a tard.

Can you feel it in the air? I sure can. March Madness is upon us. CHYEAH, As if you didn't know! I'm not giving you any sleeper teams or hints, cuz that wouldnt be fair. College basketball during tourney time is the greatest spectacle in sports. I mean that. Go Badgers.

We all love cinematic adventures. I'm seen some good ones lately. First off, The Prestige was a kick ass movie. Who knew a flick about magic could be fun. Secondly, if you haven't seen the Departed, you're a lame-o. Get out from the rock you've been under and go rent/buy it. L'il factoid for ya: The F-bomb is uttered 388 times in it. Yah. Third - have you ever had a high schooler teacher who felt like he/she was 'out of it'? Teaching tactics a little off the wall? Maybe they were on THAT WHITE POWDER. In Half Nelson, a likeable middle school history teacher can't kick his drug habit. Eventually one of his students finds him all messed up in a bathroom stall. Nothing like saying 'Role Model' when you're foaming at the mouth! The foaming at the mouth part never actually happened, but you get the point. Also pretty good were The Illusionist with Ed Norton and Flags of our Fathers with Ryan Phillippe. Apparently 300 is the best movie to come out since...well, since the start of movie history.

Madison is still Madison. I'm there Tuesday - Thursday of every week, for a large portion of the day/night. Not sure when, but I'll be moving there for good quite soon. The other day, my work sent me to the University there to drop off some promo posters and whatnot. I took the shortest route, which just happens to be State St. You've all walked it before - it's fun and has a good vibe no matter what time of day. While walking by myself, I had a spark of something great. Here it is: I'm gonna eat/drink at every place on State St. Every place. We're talking Mediterranean, Nepali, Greek, name it - I'm gonna eat it. I'm going to put my stomach & intestines through hell for about 3 or 4 months. Theres 2 bad things about this. One being money. This is going to cost a pretty penny to complete this mission. Secondly, I don't like coffee, and a good portion of the places are coffee houses. I guess I'll be eating some croissants or muffins there, who knows. I'm calling it the STATE STREET CHALLENGE. And if you want to be a part of it, or if you're in the area, let me know. I don't want to be gorging myself solo.

Upcoming Events: March 17 is the day that everyone is Irish. It falls on a Saturday this year, so it will be odd not seeing students passing out in their desks for the dumb teachers that require attendance, or watching kids puke off the roof of their house...etc. The Boone Ct. Boys will be hitting up Whitewater's own THE PUB at the asscrack of dawn. Scratch that - BEFORE the asscrack of dawn. I'll never forget how bad I had to piss waiting in line to get in last year. It was excruciating. And I watched countless people take a leak in the nearby alley. I swear by the time I'd have had my zipper down - I'd be in cuffs.
March 23 marks comedian Zak Galifiniakis making a stop at the Barrymore theater in Madison. I originally was going to watch the one man mashup show GIRL TALK spin live at The Stonefly Brewery in Milwaukee, but thats not going to happen. SHAZAM - Girl Talk is playing Union South in Madison on Saturday March 24th. God loves me.

Finally, here is a short video of some guy skeet shooting with RPG's and SUV's. You read right. Wait till the end, because its definitely worth it.

Thanks for reading. I changed the settings to allow ANONYMOUS COMMENTS, so, by george, leave one. But don't be anonymous, cuz that's boring.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Post Oscar thoughts, weekend fun, and random thoughts...

The Academy Awards were last Sunday night. Unfortunately for me, I slept through half of it. A much needed nap was in order from the debauchery from the wedding weekend. More on that later. Anyways as I was watching the show, which, I thought was VERY entertaining, I decided to jot down a few notes and thoughts at what I was viewing. Here we go...

  • Penelope Cruz could tell me to go Fuck Off and it would still be the most beautiful sounding thing in the entire world. I would listen to that woman learn to speak German. Truth.

  • How cool was Jerry Seinfeld's movie theater bit? "We have an agreement. You rip me off by making me spend money on things I don't need. Then, after the movie, whatever I have in my hand - I let go of..." Or something of the sort. Desperately trying to find a video of it online. So far no dice.

  • What the heck is Pan's Labyrinth? Some crazy Mexican director makes an adult horror fairy tale and wins some Oscars for it? I don't do drugs, but something tells me that I'm gonna want to before I see this movie.

  • How awkward was it on stage when Clint Eastwood read the translations of (Italian, I think?) movie scorer Ennio Morricone? Clint seemed as if he had one too many drinks and blamed his inability to read a teleprompter to him 'forgetting his glasses'. It's ok Clint - you're getting old. Don't blame it on the lack of bifocals.

  • Jack Nicholson is bald. Righteous.

  • Toby McGuire - you're a skinny bitch. Kirsten Dunst - you're still not hot.

  • That movie silhouette thing was really cool. I want to date a contortionist. And it's exactly the reason you'd think that I would want to date a contortionist for.

  • Why is Chris Connely a respected journalist? What has he done? He narrates MTV's True Life. He has guest spots on ESPN sometimes. How the heck did he get where he is today? I might have to wiki that one later.

  • Ok. So the category for 'best original song' contained 3 tunes from Dreamgirls. Beyonce and the 2 other hussies performed RIGHT before they read the winner. Dreamgirls had 3 out of the 5 songs nominated for the category. Who ends up winnin? Activist Mel Etheridge for a song in Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Funny.

  • Those 'in memory of' tributes always get me. They flash pics and scenes of people in the film industry who passed recently. Just wanted to point out that the dad in 'A Christmas Story' died. They showed the scene where he's so proud of his Leg Lamp. I was sad.

  • Phillip Seymour Hoffman looked like a hobo. Did you see his hair? I would fire my publicist...or whoever was in charge of my general look that night. His hair was the best joke of the night.

  • Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Martin Scorcese on stage at the same time was cool.

  • Ben Affleck: No one likes you. Who invited you to the Oscars?

  • Ellen Degeneres is funny. I apologize for not liking you a couple years ago. I like you now.

K thats that. Saturday the 24th was the Nisler/Neevel wedding. Holy fun. It was nice to go to a wedding where people actually DANCED. I don't remember the last one I went to where almost 75% of the people in attendance got up & cut a rug. That was great to see. By the grace of God everyone got back to the hotel ok that nite. When you're up north in Wisconsin and theres foot high snow drifts. . .it's a bit scary.

How about some random thoughts of the past week? Sure! First thing's first - theres no way P Diddy uses Pro-Active. I'm gonna coin the phrase "Blackne" for african americans who suffer from acne. Use it...pass it on. But back to puffy. I can't see the man waking up in the morning and splashing a little Pro-Active Solution on his cheeks. The man is a millionaire. Did he really need to do the commercials? I'm interested in how much he got paid. All I know is that when his daughter becomes a teenager, she'll have a lifetime supply waiting for her. Too bad Puffy won't remember which closet he put it in.

Speaking of teenagers, how long will the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be teenagers? They were in the teens when I was but a wee lad. Shouldn't they be twentysomething mutant ninja turtles by now? The anagram can still work: TMNT. See? I'd like to see office dwelling business setting turtles by day, crime fighters by night. I think thats doable. Shredder would be at an accounting firm. That's why he's so angry all the time.

Lastly, a food service story from Friday the 23rd. I'm working the lunch shift at the Randall, and am taking a table's order. A woman in her 30's looks up and asks me, "Does your Caesar dressing contain anchovies?" Let me tell you that I have no idea what the answer is. I thought the question was ridiculous, and simply said, "No. I don't believe so,"and thought nothing of it. I have our Caesar salad all the time actually. It's magnificent with blackened chicken on top of it. 10 minutes go by, and I get buzzed for the order. Grabbed the woman's caesar salad along with her 3 other business partner's dishes. As I go to the pickup window, I nonchalantly ask our cook, "Our caesar dressing doesn't contain anchovies, does it?" He looked at me, and laughed. "Jake", he started, "all Caesar dressings contain anchovies." Naturally I started laughing cuz I thought he was messing with me. "Seriously. It does." I was dumbfounded, really. I go back out to the dining room and inform the lady that, in fact, our caesar dressing DOES contain anchovies. "Oh", she goes, "thats gonna be a problem. I'm highly allergic to shellfish, so that's not gonna work." And that's the climactic ending to that anecdote. Caesar dressing contains anchovies. I've never had an anchovie, or his cousin, the Sardine. But, next time you have a caesar salad, and you get that hint of saltiness - that'd be the anchovie. Great in dressings, probably bad by itself. You learn something new every day folks.

Stay tuned for a 'What happened to the surviving members of TLC' blog in the future.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

What's the deal with Tupperware?

Yeah, what's the deal with Tupperware anyways? And why is it called so? Do you think the developer of this plastic contraption was named Sally Tupperware? To find out the magic of Tupperware, I headed to the most reliable source out there. The most credible of all resources on the intraweb. All-knowing trustworthy WIKIPEDIA:

"Tupperware was developed in 1945 by Earl Tupper (1907-1983) in the USA and comprised plastic containers used in households to contain food and keep it airtight. The formerly patented "burping seal" is a famous aspect of Tupperware, which distinguished it from competitors."

Interesting. Of course a man invented Tupperware. His woman was too busy cookin & cleanin. ZING! He died in 1983, which is also the year that I, and many of you reading this, was born. More from the Wiki article:

"Tupperware was known, at a time when women came back from working during World War II only to be told to "go back to the kitchen", as a method of empowering women, and giving them a toehold in the post-war business world. The tradition of Tupperware's "Jubilee" style events continues to this day, with rallies being held in major cities to recognise and reward top-selling demonstrators, managers and distributorships.
In 1958, Earl Tupper fired Brownie Wise over general difference of opinion in the Tupperware business operation. It is believed that Tupper objected to the expenses incurred by the jubilee (and other similar) celebrations of Tupperware."

The Tradition of Jubilee style events continues to this day? Oh man. I bet the amount of overweight women at these 'top-seller' conventions would make the tectonic plate the event falls on shift drastically. The smell of newly manufactured plastic bullshit must resonate from the convention center's walls for weeks. If your mom, or a mom you know has won some sort of tupperware award, stab yourself with a rusty butter knife. Being an Avon or Mary Kay lady is SO much cooler. And I mean that wholeheartedly. Earl was right to fire "Brownie Wise" for the disagreements in operations. I'd get sick of speaking to a bunch of hyped up people who think they run the sales world. Go back to school, ya food-container selling hippie. Makes you wonder what the 'trophy' would look like if they give one out. Also, how annoying is it that you can NEVER find the right top to whatever container you have out at the time? It never fails. First, God said,"Let there be man". And there was man. Then God said, "And let man continually struggle to match Tupperware items." And it was so. I'm sick of Tupperware. That pic up there is actually our 'tupperware' cabinet at boone court. I know, it's ridiculous in every aspect. I guess we're all ok with it. So next time you toast something, give Earl Tupper a shout-out. Cuz why not, the man probably has spoken to more ugly women than we would have in 4 lifetimes.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Listen. The toilet is not your friend.

I'm not sure what started this phenomenon. What dumb bitch decided, "Hey. A picture of me urinating on the porcelain queen while intoxicated would be funny. Tee hee hoo hee". NO. It's disgusting. In every way conceivable. It's not funny at all, and you will NEVER look remotely attractive. Yes, the bunched-up jeans hanging around your knees looks reeeeeaaal good. Your toothpick sized arm stretching for the toilet paper brings out your eyes quite nicely. The half-retarded shit-eating grin on your face let's us know much joy you're experiencing. NO. And what goes through the photographer's head? "Hey lets try a shot of your panties around your ankles..." What the shit is wrong with you broads? I know a good 93% of you tinklers are drunk at the time, but is there something absolutely necessary about documenting your bodily functions at the end of the nite? As if you're gonna recap it looking at the pics from last nite. "Oh yeah - remember when you busted in on me last nite while I was pissin? Haha thats great - put it up on facebook so EVERYONE can see it!" NO.

The only thing I can do when I unknowingly stumble upon a pic of that nature is go, "Well that's not good". Thats not good at all. For anyone. What if your dad saw that? Incoming phone call to your pink razr, hussie!

In conclusion, ladies - just stop it. Some guys (myself included) don't even like to think that girls even go IN that room, other than to shower of course. Call me immature...whatever. Yeah I know everyones gotta do their business...that's fine. But when you go taking pics of it, its almost a violation of my civl rights as an American citizen. Ok maybe not, but it damn well should be. This has been pretty much an incoherent rant, so if it reads like I have A.D.D., accept this half hearted apology. Cameras are meant for taking pics of friends, animals, and landscapes. Not for dumb crap like this:

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

If I were President.

I don't like to talk about politics. The reasons being A) It bores me, B) I know very little about the topic, and C) It starts a lot of pointless bickering and fighting. America is great and all, but we have our problems. I'm not a fan of Bush, but I'm not going to bash him here. But what I am going to do is tell you who I would have as my cabinet members if I were president. Below are some giant pictures of who our current president has elected as his cabinet members:
(or go to:

And here's my (better) list:

Department of Agriculture: Kevin Costner - The man defied the odds and mowed down a large portion of a cornfield. AND THEN THE WHITE SOX PLAYED BASEBALL ON IT. Americanfarmers struggle to make ends meet enough as it is. I figure as long as the crop continues struggling, let the head of the household take in a few games at the ol ballpark. Er...cornfield.

Department of Commerce: A bum found near Marquette's campus - Screw Bill Gates. Or anyone else that knows how to invest and not spend his/her life earnings on alcohol. I figure a bum would know EXACTLY how to piss away a countries currency. Therefore, whatever he would advise me to spend my money on, is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I would end up doing.

Department of Defense: Chuck Norris - I believe this is self explanatory?

Department of Education: Prof. Carol Rosen - Class is in session! If you haven't had the opportunity to take a geography class with Whitewater's finest, I suggest you get your ass down here, grab a seat, and take it all in. It's a woman like this who could lay down the hammer when it comes to edumacation. Amen.

Department of Energy: Captain Planet - Who knows more about conserving energy and saving God's green Earth than Captain Planet himself? Sorry Planeteers, you can't come on this ride. Play with your rings somewhere else.

Department of Health & Human Services: Sue & Jennifer Bartolotta - Leave it to the Italians to find a way to make America healthier. Bountiful upon bountiful pan of lasagna means that the homeless can finally have a meal. I don't know what the human services part means, but what I do know is that Jenny has been great at 'servicing' me in the past.

Department of Homeland Security: Mark Hammil - If Luke Skywalker can take down an Imperial Walker, or fly his X-wing through tight quarters to fire at some core reactor, then I'll trust him with protecting our homeland. Plus he has Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (who, if you didn't know, is a mutated Boston Terrier) constantly floating through his mind giving him pointers. That's a positive in my book.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: (Tie) Jon Kusch and Ty Pennington - Ty Pennington is a crazy son of a bitch. My mom was watching Extreme Home Makeover once and I got so mad at his perkiness and the pitch of his voice that I finally yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHAT TYPE OF MESSED UP A.D.D. DOES HE HAVE?!" My mom went on to tell me that he actually does have ADD, and that he never finished high school cuz he couldn't sit still, and that his personality on the show was actually how he acted...bla bla bla. Either way, he's a good carpenter or whatnot. And Jon Kusch has a love for skyscrapers. I just made his dream come true. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. No more sim city for this guy.

Department of the Interior: Alf - I dont know what the head of the department of the interior does. Frankly I don't care. I bet Alf would be a great edition to the team though. I mean, after all, who doesn't want a pet 'cat' roaming around the office?

Department of Justice: (the ghost of) Robert Stack - No one better to scare the shit out of someone trying to mess with the hand of Justice than Unsolved Mysteries' own Robert Stack. This show really scared me when I was younger. There was a 2 week span where I couldn't watch it because one of the stories almost made me wet myself. Naturally, I turned the channel to Rescue 911, which scared me equally. Since Rescue 911 didn't have a host (did it?), and Chuck Norris is already represented, I gotta go with Bobby Stack. Everywhere the ghost of Robert Stack goes, so does the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. My cabinet is the real deal people.

Department of Labor: Kathie Lee Gifford - Talk about being wrongfully accused! Critics say she's profiting from sweatshop labor done by small children in the orient. WRONG! She's profiting from poor 20 & 30 something men and women in the Dominican Republic and Haiti! Get your facts straight before you point the finger people! (Note - anyone see who Bush appointed to be his Fair Labor Enforcer? Elaine Chao. Sounds like an oriental sounding name. I dunno, I just find that chuckle-worthy.

Department of State: Forrest Whitaker - He's a good actor. His eye is kinda messed up, but not to the extent of Stuart Scott. Condy Rice just ain't doin the job. Forrest will do the trick.

Department of Transportation: Takeo Fukui - Sure nobody knows who he is. Let me tell you. Takeo is the President and Representive Director of Honda Worldwide. Say goodbye to gasoline alltogether. I'm sure Mr. Fukui has a plan to have all cars run on rice, dogs, or polyurethane. One of those three. Definitely.

Department of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck - He dives through what seems like an endless supply of gold coins in a massive vault. What more qualifications do you need?

Department of Veterans Affairs: R. Lee Ermey -
Again...does this need explanation?

There you have it. My cabinet. Jake Hay for president 2016. Someone wipe my record clean.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal - Entry #3

Entry #3 - "It's not a Journal, it's Digiorno"

This is (was) 2005. I still can't believe people tolerate shitty frozen food. Next time you're eating a frozen food product, really ASK yourself, "Is this a ham & cheese breakfast sandwhich enclosed in a flaky crust?" Moments later, you'll realize what you're eating tastes like 13 day old meatloaf mixed with freshly picked garbanzo and kidney beans. Oh - and its still frozen in the middle. Don't you think we're at the point where we don't consume "chicken tenders" that taste like luke-warm redwood bark? Finally, my new years resolution is to make sure all TV Dinner Makin mofos New Years Resolutions are to "Not make and/or distribute crappy frozen foods".

The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal - Entry #2

Entry #2: "Vermont & New Hampshire"

Do we even care what happens in these states? Honestly. These 2 regions should just join together. The following is a list of suggested names for the upcoming merger: Vershire, New Mont, Mont Hamp, Shampoo, Old Vertmon, New Schmelmont, Hampver, and finally, Dopplestonmontire. Think. When word got out about the states joining forces, our economy would get a guaranteed boost. Why? Because people don't even know that Vermont & New Hampshire exist right NOW. Citizens may believe we acquired land from Canada. That would not be a good thing.