(or go to: http://www.whitehouse.gov/government/cabinet.html)
Department of Agriculture: Kevin Costner - The man defied the odds and mowed down a large portion of a cornfield. AND THEN THE WHITE SOX PLAYED BASEBALL ON IT. Americanfarmers struggle to make ends meet enough as it is. I figure as long as the crop continues struggling, let the head of the household take in a few games at the ol ballpark. Er...cornfield.
Department of Education: Prof. Carol Rosen - Class is in session! If you haven't had the opportunity to take a geography class with Whitewater's finest, I suggest you get your ass down here, grab a seat, and take it all in. It's a woman like this who could lay down the hammer when it comes to edumacation. Amen.
Department of Energy: Captain Planet - Who knows more about conserving energy and saving God's green Earth than Captain Planet himself? Sorry Planeteers, you can't come on this ride. Play with your rings somewhere else.
Department of Homeland Security: Mark Hammil - If Luke Skywalker can take down an Imperial Walker, or fly his X-wing through tight quarters to fire at some core reactor, then I'll trust him with protecting our homeland. Plus he has Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (who, if you didn't know, is a mutated Boston Terrier) constantly floating through his mind giving him pointers. That's a positive in my book.
Department of Housing and Urban Development: (Tie) Jon Kusch and Ty Pennington - Ty Pennington is a crazy son of a bitch. My mom was watching Extreme Home Makeover once and I got so mad at his perkiness and the pitch of his voice that I finally yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHAT TYPE OF MESSED UP A.D.D. DOES HE HAVE?!" My mom went on to tell me that he actually does have ADD, and that he never finished high school cuz he couldn't sit still, and that his personality on the show was actually how he acted...bla bla bla. Either way, he's a good carpenter or whatnot. And Jon Kusch has a love for skyscrapers. I just made his dream come true. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. No more sim city for this guy.
Department of the Interior: Alf - I dont know what the head of the department of the interior does. Frankly I don't care. I bet Alf would be a great edition to the team though. I mean, after all, who doesn't want a pet 'cat' roaming around the office?
Department of Justice: (the ghost of) Robert Stack - No one better to scare the shit out of someone trying to mess with the hand of Justice than Unsolved Mysteries' own Robert Stack. This show really scared me when I was younger. There was a 2 week span where I couldn't watch it because one of the stories almost made me wet myself. Naturally, I turned the channel to Rescue 911, which scared me equally. Since Rescue 911 didn't have a host (did it?), and Chuck Norris is already represented, I gotta go with Bobby Stack. Everywhere the ghost of Robert Stack goes, so does the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. My cabinet is the real deal people.
Department of State: Forrest Whitaker - He's a good actor. His eye is kinda messed up, but not to the extent of Stuart Scott. Condy Rice just ain't doin the job. Forrest will do the trick.
Department of Transportation: Takeo Fukui - Sure nobody knows who he is. Let me tell you. Takeo is the President and Representive Director of Honda Worldwide. Say goodbye to gasoline alltogether. I'm sure Mr. Fukui has a plan to have all cars run on rice, dogs, or polyurethane. One of those three. Definitely.
Department of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck - He dives through what seems like an endless supply of gold coins in a massive vault. What more qualifications do you need?
There you have it. My cabinet. Jake Hay for president 2016. Someone wipe my record clean.