Tepid Epics: If I were President.

I don't like to talk about politics. The reasons being A) It bores me, B) I know very little about the topic, and C) It starts a lot of pointless bickering and fighting. America is great and all, but we have our problems. I'm not a fan of Bush, but I'm not going to bash him here. But what I am going to do is tell you who I would have as my cabinet members if I were president. Below are some giant pictures of who our current president has elected as his cabinet members:
(or go to: http://www.whitehouse.gov/government/cabinet.html)

And here's my (better) list:

Department of Agriculture: Kevin Costner - The man defied the odds and mowed down a large portion of a cornfield. AND THEN THE WHITE SOX PLAYED BASEBALL ON IT. Americanfarmers struggle to make ends meet enough as it is. I figure as long as the crop continues struggling, let the head of the household take in a few games at the ol ballpark. Er...cornfield.

Department of Commerce: A bum found near Marquette's campus - Screw Bill Gates. Or anyone else that knows how to invest and not spend his/her life earnings on alcohol. I figure a bum would know EXACTLY how to piss away a countries currency. Therefore, whatever he would advise me to spend my money on, is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I would end up doing.

Department of Defense: Chuck Norris - I believe this is self explanatory?

Department of Education: Prof. Carol Rosen - Class is in session! If you haven't had the opportunity to take a geography class with Whitewater's finest, I suggest you get your ass down here, grab a seat, and take it all in. It's a woman like this who could lay down the hammer when it comes to edumacation. Amen.

Department of Energy: Captain Planet - Who knows more about conserving energy and saving God's green Earth than Captain Planet himself? Sorry Planeteers, you can't come on this ride. Play with your rings somewhere else.

Department of Health & Human Services: Sue & Jennifer Bartolotta - Leave it to the Italians to find a way to make America healthier. Bountiful upon bountiful pan of lasagna means that the homeless can finally have a meal. I don't know what the human services part means, but what I do know is that Jenny has been great at 'servicing' me in the past.

Department of Homeland Security: Mark Hammil - If Luke Skywalker can take down an Imperial Walker, or fly his X-wing through tight quarters to fire at some core reactor, then I'll trust him with protecting our homeland. Plus he has Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (who, if you didn't know, is a mutated Boston Terrier) constantly floating through his mind giving him pointers. That's a positive in my book.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: (Tie) Jon Kusch and Ty Pennington - Ty Pennington is a crazy son of a bitch. My mom was watching Extreme Home Makeover once and I got so mad at his perkiness and the pitch of his voice that I finally yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHAT TYPE OF MESSED UP A.D.D. DOES HE HAVE?!" My mom went on to tell me that he actually does have ADD, and that he never finished high school cuz he couldn't sit still, and that his personality on the show was actually how he acted...bla bla bla. Either way, he's a good carpenter or whatnot. And Jon Kusch has a love for skyscrapers. I just made his dream come true. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. No more sim city for this guy.

Department of the Interior: Alf - I dont know what the head of the department of the interior does. Frankly I don't care. I bet Alf would be a great edition to the team though. I mean, after all, who doesn't want a pet 'cat' roaming around the office?

Department of Justice: (the ghost of) Robert Stack - No one better to scare the shit out of someone trying to mess with the hand of Justice than Unsolved Mysteries' own Rober

t Stack. This show really scared me when I was younger. There was a 2 week span where I couldn't watch it because one of the stories almost made me wet myself. Naturally, I turned the channel to Rescue 911, which scared me equally. Since Rescue 911 didn't have a host (did it?), and Chuck Norris is already represented, I gotta go with Bobby Stack. Everywhere the ghost of Robert Stack goes, so does the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. My cabinet is the real deal people.

Department of Labor: Kathie Lee Gifford - Talk about being wrongfully accused! Critics say she's profiting from sweatshop labor done by small children in the orient. WRONG! She's profiting from poor 20 & 30 something men and women in the Dominican Republic and Haiti! Get your facts straight before you point the finger people! (Note - anyone see who Bush appointed to be his Fair Labor Enforcer? Elaine Chao. Sounds like an oriental sounding name. I dunno, I just find that chuckle-worthy.

Department of State: Forrest Whitaker - He's a good actor. His eye is kinda messed up, but not to the extent of Stuart Scott. Condy Rice just ain't doin the job. Forrest will do the trick.

Department of Transportation: Takeo Fukui - Sure nobody knows who he is. Let me tell you. Takeo is the President and Representive Director of Honda Worldwide. Say goodbye to gasoline alltogether. I'm sure Mr. Fukui has a plan to have all cars run on rice, dogs, or polyurethane. One of those three. Definitely.

Department of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck - He dives through what seems like an endless supply of gold coins in a massive vault. What more qualifications do you need?