Wednesday, April 11, 2007


So movies suck nowadays. What's the ratio of good movies to shitty movies? Really think about it. My guesstimate is that 1 out 6 movies will be 'good'. Good as in...somewhat enjoyable. The ratio of great movies in recent times has to be... like 1 in 20. You may be asking, "what is this blog about, Jake?" It's about Hollywood movies and the shitty sequels they continue to produce.
Let's backtrack. A friend of mine, a one Sir Stephen Koontz of whom I graduated with, made the life changing trek to California. He now lives in Los Angeles, where he does whatever he wants I guess. Either way, the following is from a stalkbook note he wrote about the movie industry and its upcoming moviefilm productions:

My Most Anticipated Sequels of 2007:
1. Ocean’s 13
2. Shrek the 3rd
3. Spider-Man 3
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
5. Evan Almighty
6. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
8. Harold & Kumar Go to Amsterdam (might be delayed into 2008)
9. The Golden Age (sequel to Elizabeth)
10. Live Free or Die Hard
11. Rush Hour 3
12. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
13. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
14. National Treasure 2
15. 28 Weeks Later (Sequel to 28 Days Later)
16. How to Lose it All (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)

This next group of sequels I can do without (In no particular order because they all look bad)
Alien V. Predator 2
Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Fahrenheit 9/11 ½
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Untitled Friday the 13th Prequel
Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming or The Dead Speak, either way it’ll be bad.
Are We Done Yet?
White Noise 2: The Light
Bringing Down the House 2
Boogeyman 2
Hostel: Part II
Resident Evil: Extinction
Saw IV
Wrong Turn 2- Can’t be good without Eliza Dushku
Hood v. Evil- sequel to Hoodwinked

2008: My most anticipated sequels
1. The Dark Knight (Next Batman film)
2. Bond 22
3. Angels & Demons (Prequel to The Da Vinci Code)
4. Wolverine (Spin Off of X-Men)
5. Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures
6. Sin City 3: Hell & Back
7. The Brazilian Job
8. Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction
9. Boondock II: All Saints Day (Rumored)
10. Terminator 4
11. The Last Flag Flying –Sequel to The Last Detail (Rumored)
12. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
13. Mrs. Doubtfire (Rumored)
14. Rambo Sequel (IV).
Wow. Where do I begin. Lets start at the top of the list.
Oceans 13 - Al Pacino in this one. He's either gonna be really good or completely pointless to the story. Let's hope that dancing english fag doesn't make another appearance. God I hated his yoga tight lycra pants laser dance experience in Ocean's 12. Almost ruined the movie for me.
Spider Man 3 - I'm one of few who doesn't like this series. Loved the cartoon though. But Toby Mcguire - you're still a (ripped) skinny bitch. And I don't think radical plastic surgery could make Kirsten Dunst attractive.
Pirates of the Carribean 4 - Is this series done yet? God I hope so. Kierra Knightley will be the only reason I don't fall asleep in this one.
Evan Almighty - This will be good. Granted, Bruce Almighty doesnt need a sequel. But Steve Carel (40 year old guy who doesnt have sex) playing Ark-building Noah and Morgan Freeman as God again, I don't think they can go wrong.
The Bourne Ultimatum - F. Yes. Next!
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - Needs no explanation. No Bruce Willis appearance in this one, but we still have Jessica Alba and Mickey Rourke as Marv. Rumored to have Antonio Banderas and maybe even Johnny Depp for this one too.
Live Free or Die Hard: Die Hard 4? If you havent seen the INSANE trailer, go find it. Dude flies a fighter jet. That's just ridiculous. Could be great, could be awful. I'm sure it will be all hollywooded-out and I'll hate it.

And on to Stephens aptly titled 'sequels I can do without'. For the most part, he's right on the money. Since I'm a huge Alien/Predator fan, I can't wait for AVP2. Especially since (surprisingly) AVP wasn't a bad movie. How the shit is Mr. Bean still a movie franchise? Are the Brits stupid or retarded? I can't think of a more annoying character. White Noise 2? Hostile 2? Hills have eyes 2? COME ON. People will see these movies. Those people are the ones I wanna punch in the eyes. So they are blinded. So they won't see STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS. And give movie makers ongoing reason to make awful flicks.
Saw IV - I really liked Saw. I enjoyed Saw II. But boy - I haven't been more offended as a movie goer since Saw III. A grotesque disgusting waste of 2 hours. A complete waste of time. A movie that was made just to push visual boundaries (and the stomach's of everyone in the theater) Sad part is I'm sure this movie will make millions. Pure trash. Seriously.

On to 2008's anticipated flicks. If you're still reading, Kudos to you. Speaking of, I don't remember the last time I had a Kudos chocolate bar. Those things are great, but are a tad too small to satisfy my snack hunger. Onward...
The Dark Knight (Batman sequel) - Christian Bale was a great Batman. Batman Begins could have been a terrible movie, but it turned out to kick major ass. Bale was better than Kilmer, Clooney; maybe even Keaton.
The Brazilian Job - Is it just me, or does this sound like an infomercial for some sort of crazy bikini wax that was really popular in Brazil in the late 90's, and now *FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY*, you can get your very own 50 oz bottle of BRAZILIAN JOB BIKINI WAX! By the way - Charlize Theron: Call me.
Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction - Le sigh. Jurassic Park series got progressively worse with every new movie that came out. Let's face it: Jurassic Park 3 was almost laughable. Amen for "The Exctinction" though. Means they can't make any more after this one. Unless of course they do a prequel. F you Hollywood...
Boondock Saints II : I'll be the first (or...thousandth) person to break it down for you - This movie is never coming out. It's been tossed around forever, script has been rewritten a million times over, actors sign on then off. If it does come out, it won't be good. Boondock Saints was a cool movie (for entertainment purposes), but it should just be left alone.
Terminator 4 - Not gonna lie, I know nothing about this. I'm not going to pretend to either. Will Arnie be the machine again? Either way, COME WITH ME IFF YOU VANT TO LIVE.
Mrs Doubtfire - ?!?! I'm there. Please, please please don't make this movie with Robin Williams.

There you have it. In the end of Koontz' post, he went on to say there will be 3 more Star Wars movies as well in the 2020's. One can only hope Jar Jar will be back for those . . .
. . .kidding. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

'Pede meets plunger; Oak takes on chainsaw. . .

Its the season of destruction apparently. I should have posted this kill immediately after creating the previous blog, but I was very tired and ran out of blog energy. If you haven't seen this yet, it's a keeper. No explanation needed really - just watch it.

What did I do for spring break? Glad you asked, reader! I went to tropical Kansasville, WI to watch a 300+ year old oak tree fall. Think about that. This behemoth of a tree stood long before our country was even a country. That's some heavy shit right there folks. Naturally I got all art-faggy with my new digital camera I'm obsessed with. The video and pictures do need a bit of backstory.

I want to say the year was 1994 or 95. We have a ton (50?) trees surrounding the four acres of land we have. One stormy night, a bolt of lightning hit this oak tree, right in the middle. Unfortunately for the native foliage, it met it's demise. Years passed as large limbs fell to the ground. (This lightning strike also made my golden lab 'Sam' permanently afraid of thunderstorms. From that point on - the dog would literally piss himself every time a clap of thunder was heard 23 miles away. Sad really. I digress...) My grandfather, who lives in the house next door to me, was determined to cut down this tree, along with all the other dead ones on our property. Whatever. He knows a lot of people - and these people were gonna cut down the trees and take the wood - for free. Knock yourselves out.

Cue four middle aged men. Aged 45 to 70. The, chainsawer guy is named Mike. Mike is one determined boozehound. No lie - apparently days before I got home, this guy would would go up in a hydraulic lift 25 feet in the air with a chainsaw and a cooler with 10 beers. And, well...cut down limbs off this tree while suckin down some cold ones. In a matter of 2 to 3 hours. I can't think of a better combination really. Chainsaws and relaxed motor skills.

I won't go into detail of the process it took to take this tree down - it was a 2.5 hour debocle. A tension chain wrapped around a maple 25 feet away creaked & groaned more than the Oak did. It was almost comical.
Final tree trunk dimensions: Circumfrence: 21 feet. Diameter: 6' 1" Size: Frickin' huge.

Pics? Sure why not.

(About 30 feet away. Looks normal. But compare it to the trees next to it. Yeah)

(Really, really far away. I'd say 100 yards.)

(This picture is great. We got 4 guys slammin brewskis deciding how to conquer the beast)

(The tension chain strapped to the maple that I was blabbing about)

(Timber. 8:40 pm. Tough sum'bitch. The guy is holding the ROTTED inside part that was holding the tree up. Nature. It's magical.)

(Hah. My mom is 2 feet smaller than the diameter of the oak.)

I have video of the tree falling but it's kinda weak. That and youtube isnt working now. For future reference, my youtube page is . Seacrest Out!