Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Oh...Hollywood.

So movies suck nowadays. What's the ratio of good movies to shitty movies? Really think about it. My guesstimate is that 1 out 6 movies will be 'good'. Good as in...somewhat enjoyable. The ratio of great movies in recent times has to be... like 1 in 20. You may be asking, "what is this blog about, Jake?" It's about Hollywood movies and the shitty sequels they continue to produce.
Let's backtrack. A friend of mine, a one Sir Stephen Koontz of whom I graduated with, made the life changing trek to California. He now lives in Los Angeles, where he does whatever he wants I guess. Either way, the following is from a stalkbook note he wrote about the movie industry and its upcoming moviefilm productions:

My Most Anticipated Sequels of 2007:
1. Ocean’s 13
2. Shrek the 3rd
3. Spider-Man 3
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
5. Evan Almighty
6. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
8. Harold & Kumar Go to Amsterdam (might be delayed into 2008)
9. The Golden Age (sequel to Elizabeth)
10. Live Free or Die Hard
11. Rush Hour 3
12. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
13. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
14. National Treasure 2
15. 28 Weeks Later (Sequel to 28 Days Later)
16. How to Lose it All (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)

This next group of sequels I can do without (In no particular order because they all look bad)
Alien V. Predator 2
Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Fahrenheit 9/11 ½
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Untitled Friday the 13th Prequel
Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming or The Dead Speak, either way it’ll be bad.
Are We Done Yet?
White Noise 2: The Light
Bringing Down the House 2
Boogeyman 2
Hostel: Part II
Resident Evil: Extinction
Saw IV
Wrong Turn 2- Can’t be good without Eliza Dushku
Hood v. Evil- sequel to Hoodwinked

2008: My most anticipated sequels
1. The Dark Knight (Next Batman film)
2. Bond 22
3. Angels & Demons (Prequel to The Da Vinci Code)
4. Wolverine (Spin Off of X-Men)
5. Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures
6. Sin City 3: Hell & Back
7. The Brazilian Job
8. Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction
9. Boondock II: All Saints Day (Rumored)
10. Terminator 4
11. The Last Flag Flying –Sequel to The Last Detail (Rumored)
12. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
13. Mrs. Doubtfire (Rumored)
14. Rambo Sequel (IV).
=============================================
Wow. Where do I begin. Lets start at the top of the list.
Oceans 13 - Al Pacino in this one. He's either gonna be really good or completely pointless to the story. Let's hope that dancing english fag doesn't make another appearance. God I hated his yoga tight lycra pants laser dance experience in Ocean's 12. Almost ruined the movie for me.
Spider Man 3 - I'm one of few who doesn't like this series. Loved the cartoon though. But Toby Mcguire - you're still a (ripped) skinny bitch. And I don't think radical plastic surgery could make Kirsten Dunst attractive.
Pirates of the Carribean 4 - Is this series done yet? God I hope so. Kierra Knightley will be the only reason I don't fall asleep in this one.
Evan Almighty - This will be good. Granted, Bruce Almighty doesnt need a sequel. But Steve Carel (40 year old guy who doesnt have sex) playing Ark-building Noah and Morgan Freeman as God again, I don't think they can go wrong.
The Bourne Ultimatum - F. Yes. Next!
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - Needs no explanation. No Bruce Willis appearance in this one, but we still have Jessica Alba and Mickey Rourke as Marv. Rumored to have Antonio Banderas and maybe even Johnny Depp for this one too.
Live Free or Die Hard: Die Hard 4? If you havent seen the INSANE trailer, go find it. Dude flies a fighter jet. That's just ridiculous. Could be great, could be awful. I'm sure it will be all hollywooded-out and I'll hate it.


And on to Stephens aptly titled 'sequels I can do without'. For the most part, he's right on the money. Since I'm a huge Alien/Predator fan, I can't wait for AVP2. Especially since (surprisingly) AVP wasn't a bad movie. How the shit is Mr. Bean still a movie franchise? Are the Brits stupid or retarded? I can't think of a more annoying character. White Noise 2? Hostile 2? Hills have eyes 2? COME ON. People will see these movies. Those people are the ones I wanna punch in the eyes. So they are blinded. So they won't see STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS. And give movie makers ongoing reason to make awful flicks.
Saw IV - I really liked Saw. I enjoyed Saw II. But boy - I haven't been more offended as a movie goer since Saw III. A grotesque disgusting waste of 2 hours. A complete waste of time. A movie that was made just to push visual boundaries (and the stomach's of everyone in the theater) Sad part is I'm sure this movie will make millions. Pure trash. Seriously.

On to 2008's anticipated flicks. If you're still reading, Kudos to you. Speaking of, I don't remember the last time I had a Kudos chocolate bar. Those things are great, but are a tad too small to satisfy my snack hunger. Onward...
The Dark Knight (Batman sequel) - Christian Bale was a great Batman. Batman Begins could have been a terrible movie, but it turned out to kick major ass. Bale was better than Kilmer, Clooney; maybe even Keaton.
The Brazilian Job - Is it just me, or does this sound like an infomercial for some sort of crazy bikini wax that was really popular in Brazil in the late 90's, and now *FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY*, you can get your very own 50 oz bottle of BRAZILIAN JOB BIKINI WAX! By the way - Charlize Theron: Call me.
Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction - Le sigh. Jurassic Park series got progressively worse with every new movie that came out. Let's face it: Jurassic Park 3 was almost laughable. Amen for "The Exctinction" though. Means they can't make any more after this one. Unless of course they do a prequel. F you Hollywood...
Boondock Saints II : I'll be the first (or...thousandth) person to break it down for you - This movie is never coming out. It's been tossed around forever, script has been rewritten a million times over, actors sign on then off. If it does come out, it won't be good. Boondock Saints was a cool movie (for entertainment purposes), but it should just be left alone.
Terminator 4 - Not gonna lie, I know nothing about this. I'm not going to pretend to either. Will Arnie be the machine again? Either way, COME WITH ME IFF YOU VANT TO LIVE.
Mrs Doubtfire - ?!?! I'm there. Please, please please don't make this movie with Robin Williams.

There you have it. In the end of Koontz' post, he went on to say there will be 3 more Star Wars movies as well in the 2020's. One can only hope Jar Jar will be back for those . . .
. . .kidding. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

1 comment:

Jim Macho said...

I used to really like those Kudos bars...the M&M ones were the best, that is until they coated the outside of them with chocolate. They actually shrunk in size over the years too. That was a Bush League move by Kudos.