Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Top 8 ways to hide the fact that you have a boner

Fellas. We've all been there. From an early age, when he just popped in to say hello for no fucking reason (right before you were called on to go do that math problem on the board). To the middle school dance (where you got to dance with Allison, the girl who developed faster than every other girl in school, tits firmly pressed against you). And finally, high school and college, where you fell asleep in class and woke up with one. The erection has been ever-present in our lives. Usually without welcome. In no way does this serve as an official guide to dismissing the pesky beast. Think of it more as . . . better ways to disguise him. Without further ado - The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner.

8) The inner-thigh squeeze: Although uncomfortable, placing so-called boner near the inner thigh and somehow getting it to 'stick' is #8 on the list. I guess it's all about friction? This option runs dangerously close to 'penile fracture' territory, so be sure not to go down too far with him. Penile fracture? That's not good. For ANYBODY.

7) Pinch yourself: A slight pinch'll get the message to your brain that says, "ouch". Basically just start hitting yourself. It'll take your mind off the fact your guy is filled with blood. For further reference watch the 40 Yr. Old Virgin when Andy calls the Viagra place or whatever and the Indian dude tells him ways to get rid of it. " take the hot ember, and place it on your wrist..." classic scene.

6) Have sex: Self explanatory. 'There's no better way to hide it, than to get up inside it' I just made that up now. Like it?

5) Don't wear sweatpants: Way to go, dumbass. You're on your own.

4) Think ugly thoughts: Or, if you will, unsexy thoughts. Grandma. A rocking chair. Toothpaste. Gum disease. Rwanda. Coffee tables. Dyslexia. Any of those will usually work. Unless of course one of the above items really get your motor runnin. I hate to throw out another movie reference, but it worked for Austin: Baseball, cold showers. Baseball, cold showers. MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY!

3) Fold your hands neatly in front of you: Not only do you disguise the fact here, but you also look like a distinguished gentleman. But that couldnt be further from the truth, sinner. This option is a good one because you dont have to shift him, mess with him, or the like. Works standing up or sitting down. A win win situation.

2) Sit down (Or continue sitting) It's all about the angles. When sitting down, we get that whole 'jeans boner' thing with shorts/pants/jeans bunching up near the crotchal region anyways. Embrace it! But like I said, it's about the angles. Say you're sitting down, your legs and torso meet at 90 degrees. Boner guy is midway, pointing at 45-50 degrees. Whatever. That's fine, roll with it. It's gonna be hard for anyone else to see. Let me rephrase that. It will be difficult for anyone else to notice it. That's better.

1) The waistband tuck: A proven tactic. Every guy has done this. You know why? Cuz it works. A century old tradition that's stuck around through the ages. Black, white, English, Jew - they've all done it. To perform the act, nonchalantly with one hand direct him up and under the waistband of the current pant you'd be wearing. BAM. Stealth dick. Now walk around care free. If someone asks you about the bulge, just yell 'ITS NOT A TUMAH!'. Shit. 3 movie references in one post. Shame on me.

There you have it. The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner. Hope the list is complete. Obviously if you have any thoughts or ones that I missed, do tell. Now walk it off: