Thursday, February 28, 2008

Erotic Falconry & Erin Andrews.

Ah yes.  My 2 favorite E's...

What I'm about to show you will set your feeble mind ablaze.  
The first is a (gag?) site that a copywriter in New York created.  If you don't laugh at the sheer hilarity of this website, take a look in the mirror.  You may not have a soul.  I don't think I've ever laughed so hard just looking at pictures.  Without further ado, I bring you the world of Erotic Falconry.

Those falcons are such pervs.

The second page comes from the sports blog ALL BALLS.  As every heterosexual male in America knows, Erin Andrews is hotter than freakin' magma.  She's basically 2nd in line behind Oprah when it comes to television's most powerful women.  Mad props to the boys over there who decided that the 'Top 10 Erin Andrews Moments' needed to be shown to all of the internet.  Bless their hearts.  I have nothing witty to say.  My brain goes numb when I see her.

(This post was made using Dan Krueg's MacBook Pro. I highly recommend it.)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

10 Things I Need to Do Before I Turn 25

See that thing in the middle of that picture? It's called a rut. Right now in my life, I am in one. I'm usually a very upbeat, optimistic young man. But so far 2008 has started off, well, shit-tastically. Between my poor health, car troubles, and relationship issues, it's been less than stellar. To be honest, up to this point in my life I haven't really had to make any truly important decisions. I really haven't. I also realized that in 10 short months I will be 25 years old. A quarter of a century. I graduated over a year ago with a (fun, light workload) major that basically gives you nothing for the 'real world' (Hollerrrr @ journalism majors....!) and still have no full time job. To break out of this proverbial 'rut', I've come up with something I've never done before.

I wrote down goals for myself.

I've never read any self help books or anything like them, but I do know making goals for yourself is healthy and can help you 'find out who you really are' or . . . some dumb zen mind-body-soul type shit. I'm not sure. Some aren't even goals, but are just things I want to accomplish before my next birthday. They are not in order of importance. I usually don't get too personal with the stuff I write here, so read with that in mind I guess.

Below is what I wrote, verbatim, in a notebook:

Things that need to happen before I turn 25
1.) Work Out. Fucking do it.
2.) Eat Vitamins. They'll only help.
3.) Limit Alcohol Consumption. Boo too much of a good thing.
4.) Play the Lottery. Can't win if you don't play!
5.) Talk to Strangers. Break out of the shell.
6.) Get a Job. Not having one is hurting my wallet, and possibly, my self esteem.
7.) Don't Worry. Worrying gets you nowhere. Things will fall into place.
8.) Get a tattoo. Aesthetically pleasing & something I deeply care about.
9.) Travel More. Find a way to travel on a slim budget.
10.) Get rid of Unnecessary personal possessions. Some things collect dust. Some people have a use for those things.

Will I follow through with any of them? Maybe. Probably not. Hopefully. But if I accomplish one or more, perhaps I'll be better from it. Who knows.
Sappy blog post check - 1. I'll try to stick to my moronic and slightly chuckle-worthy self from now on. In the meantime, wrap it up, kids.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Post Oscar Thoughts version 2.0

Hey readers. Last February I posted what I thought of the Oscars. I had last night off (I work at the bar on some Sunday nights), so I decided to do the same thing again this time around. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have time to go see many of the nominees this year. Matter of fact - the only 2 I saw were The Bourne Ultimatum and Juno. As the program began.. .. .. so did my mind:

  • How does the winner of Best Costume Design (Elizabeth) wear such a hideous outfit? I know nothing about fashion, I'll be the first to admit it. What I do know is that lady walked into her den and pulled the drapes off the window, quickly wrapped it around her albino-esque body, and exited the room.

  • The Montage is still one of the greatest things ever. Period.

  • Dear Katherine Heigl - No one cares you're nervous. You look hot. Please act like it.

  • Eddie Murphy - Please make 1 movie where you don't play multiple characters. We get it. You're 'versatile' and 'funny'. In fact, how about you just stick to making Beverly Hills Cop movies. People liked those. I don't think I've enjoyed any of your movies that have come out in the past 10 years. (Shrek doesnt count). If you do decide to make another BHC movie, make sure Judge Reinhold is in it.

  • "The Happy Working Song" - The 21st century's answer to "Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody do their Share" song. I can't believe this l'il ditty is being sung at the Oscars. Slim pickin's for original music in the movies last year eh? I Wonder what would happen if sweatshop tyrants played this song all day. The kids productivity would SOAR! SOAR I TELL YOU!

  • Catherine Zeta-Jones...Douglas? I know it's a bit late - but - honey, you could've done better.

  • And the Golden Compass wins for Visual FX! All I gotta say is, SUCK IT, MICHAEL BAY!

  • The 'Binoculars & Parascopes' and 'Bad Dreams' montages were very worthwhile. I don't care what anyone says!

  • So the guy who won for the 'Peter and the Wolf' actually brought the Peter doll on stage with him. I was burning with anticipation of what he would do with it. I was hoping he would be a ventriloquist and thank the academy with the doll. Sadly, no dice. He brought the puppet on stage, and then did NOTHING with it. WTF. He strolled on down and acted completely normal. What a letdown.

  • How many of Jon Stewart's comments were ad-libbed? I want to know this answer.

  • Per Hallberg - aka guy who won for sound editing (Bourne Ultimatum) looks like a straight up child molester. The dangly earring and blond ponytail are a bit much dude. Per Hallberg? More like Perv Hallberg (I'm sure he's never heard this one before...)

  • I feel like I could hang out with Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. And then I feel like they could make me famous by giving me a small, yet memorable role in an upcoming movie of theirs. Yes, my path to success in this world relies on Seth Rogen & Jonah Hill.

  • On Frank Caliendo and Frank Caliendo portraying George Bush in those awful 'Frank TV' commercials - "Well, both of them won't be around much longer". - Dan Krueger

  • Harrison Ford looks like he absolutely HATES life. Hates it. Is it because you're still dating Calista Flockhart? She looks like an emu that got in a fight with a bulldozer.

  • Me Tarzan. You Diablo Cody. (Aka winner of original screenplay for Juno. She wore this jungle inspired leopard dress. This morning, I discovered that she is a former stripper. Ah, this is all falling into place now...)

  • Last but not least, Mr. Daniel Day Lewis (DDL from now on) for being such a badass. At least, for being a badass in all of his movies. But during the acceptance speech, he seemed really awkward, and extremely timid. I guess he's just the best actor of all time, cuz his demeanor really caught me off guard. Give that man a hatchet!

There you have it. Post-Oscar thoughts. Do you have any? Did you even watch it? Leave a comment and let me know.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Feb. Tunes

Like the title says...

35.) Beck - Timebomb
34.) Robbie Rivera - Which Way You're Going
33.) Keane - Broken Toy
32.) Oren Lavie - Her Morning Elegance
31.) The Whigs - Right Hand on My Heart
30.) Doug Burr - Thing About Trouble
29.) Linkin Park - Shadow of the Day (Blake Jarrel Remix)
28.) Michael Jackson - P.Y.T. (original)
27.) Shiny Toy Guns - You are the One
26.) Every Move a Picture - Signs of my life
25.) The Lovemakers - Shake that Ass
24.) Peaches - Boys Want to be Her
23.) Anberlin - Inevitable
22.) Mark Ronson ft. Lily Allen - Oh My God
21.) The Weepies - Stars
20.) Story of the Year - March of the Dead
19.) The Sharp & Harkins Band - TEHO
18.) Talib Kweli - Go With Us
17.) Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
16.) Sea Wolf - Winter Windows
15.) DJ Shadow - You Made it
14.) Obadiah Parker - Hey Ya
13.) Chemical Brothers - Saturate
12.) Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game
11.) The Black Keys - Give your Heart Away
10.) Atmosphere - Little Math You
9.) Atmosphere - The Things that Hate Us
8.) Atmosphere - Domestic Dog
7.) Snoop Dogg ft. Too $hort & Mistah Fab - Life of tha Party
6.) Beatfreakz - Somebody's Watching Me
5.) Evans Blue - Caught a Lite Sneeze
4.) Evans Blue - Possession
3.) Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
2.) Evans Blue - In a Red Dress and Alone
1.) LCD Soundsystem - Get Innocuous! (Soulwax Remix)

Videos/Links to come when and if I feel like it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The 2008 SI Swimsuit Issue Sucks.

The 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Those words resonate well in most men across the World. Looking at scantilly clad beauties on beaches in various locales really rocks my boat. Unfortunately, I was somewhat disappointed with the outcome in the 2008 edition. And here's why.
Marisa 'the most perfect specimen of woman to walk God's green Earth' Miller graces the cover. And it's infeckincredible. Seriously - straight up jaw-dropping beauty. So I'm eager to see more. Let's dive into the issue, where there are 20 more models to oogle over. That's fine - every guy has different tastes. But when you put a vixen like Ms. Miller on the cover, you should probably have more than TEN PICTURES OF HER IN THE MAGAZINE. Ten pictures, total. Seriously, SI, are your editors slightly retarded? What a travesty. On the upside for SI (and you), they put up more pics of the photoshoot online. And thank god. Perhaps print IS dead. Print Edition: C. Online Edition: A-.

Peep some of the pics that weren't in the print version, courtesy of SI....


Marisa Miller is like Medusa. Minus the snakes and the turning you into stone.

Hey are your feet ok? Need me to come take care of you? No? You sure? Ok...

In all seriousness - this is just wrong to subject men to stuff like this.

I call this one "The Luckiest job(s) in the World". I bet the photographer was gay.

More here:

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Slug offers wisdom

One of the greatest MC's on God's green Earth, SLUG, just wrote an advice column for the Onion/A.V. Club in honor of everyone's favorite holiday, Valentine's day. It's classic, especially if you're familiar with his tone & vocab. I recommend going to read it here:

Also deserving mention is Atmosphere's new album When Life Gives you Lemons, you Paint that Shit Gold. It comes out in about 2 months. In the meantime, I highly advise you to go download Strictly Leakage here for free:

Feb. Tunes will be posted soon, and plenty of songs from that album will be on there. In the meantime, happy Thursday - don't let a ridiculous greeting card company holiday get you down.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Jake gets his sobriety tested

About a month ago, I received an IM from my buddy Tom that went something like this:

Tom: Wanna get drunk for free on the city of Milwaukee?
Jake: Yes. When?
Tom:  First Friday in Feb.
Jake: Ooh.  I work man.
Tom:  So take off.  It'll be fun
Jake:  Yeah I guess I could do that.
Tom:  K I'll give you more info when I know about it.

Short & sweet.  'Drunk' and 'free' in the same sentence?  Say no more.  Tom is currently a recruit in the Milwaukee Police Academy.  He is one of 24 young gentlemen selected who are the future of the law in Milwaukee county.  As part of their training, they need to test the drunkenness of 20 lucky individuals.  It is good to know people!  2 weeks prior to the event, I get another IM:

Tom:  So what do you want to drink?
Jake:  I get to choose?!
Tom: Yeah - the cops who set it up go out and buy it.
Jake:  Fock!
Tom: But no beer.
Jake:  Why?
Tom:  Cuz it doesn't get you drunk fast enough.
Jake:  Haha ok.  Vodka tonics.
Tom:  Really?
Jake:  Yes dude.

Great.  So vodka tonics it was.  I was extremely excited to do this.  Fast forward a few weeks, and it's the Thursday night before the event.  I drive to Tom's place in Milwaukee because I'm going to go with him to work in the morning.  Of course there was a massive snowfall, and it takes about an hour longer than it should have.  He informs me that we have to leave his place by 7am.  This sucks ass, because the last time I woke up at 6:15 was the summer of 2002 when I worked at the Racine County Public Works department.  At any rate, after hours of playing Call of Duty 4 by myself, I went to bed around midnight.

Groggy and confused, 6:15 seemed like I achieved 45 minutes of sleep.  We get to the police department a bit before 8, and Tom directs me down to the cafeteria.  Unfortunately for me, I was pretty much the only person in there for about 3 hours, because the drunk show didn't start until 10.  I couldn't drive there myself because for some reason, cops don't want 20 drunk people driving from their HQ.  I figured the other participants lived in the Milwaukee area and wouldn't come until it was time to start (I was right).  So I read the paper for 3 hours.  Excruciating.  I came to the conclusion that the paper is just a very eloquent version of television.  I hate watching news on TV because I find it super depressing.  The same depressing news stories are in the paper - they're just polished a bit more, like a pompous prick would tell them to you at a coffee shop.  I needed a drink.  

10:00 rolled around and I was directed to the "Tavern Scene" room on the 2nd floor.  The police department seemed more like and old school or an outdated church than a police station.  The second floor was littered with enthusiastic new recruits - with their freshly ironed navy blue slacks and hiiiilariously ugly huge-brimmed police department hats.  These things looked like they were straight from the 80's, and would make any cool cat seem like a fucking square.  The Tavern Scene room was exactly that - a classroom converted to a bar.  Complete with Jukebox, Gambling machines, a pool table, and of course, a long wooden bar with the standard mirror on the wall behind it.  20 or so guys and 1 girl (no she was not cute, nor did she get cute throughout the day) were strewn around 5 or 6 tables filling out paperwork and awaiting instructions.  2 officers eventually came in to lay down a couple of ground rules and to explain what we were going to do.  We were going to drink - but we weren't going to be told how much alcohol would be poured into our drinks.  This disclosure was to avoid 'competition within the drinkers'.  I laughed out loud.  The cops were going to write down on a chart who was drinking what, and how much of that alcohol was poured into each of their drinks.  We were not allowed to go on bathroom breaks without a chaperone.  Were they afraid of the puke & rally?  I don't remember their rationale.  I think it was because they didn't want the drunk people to get lost, which happened on numerous occasions they had said.  We all laughed out loud.  The officer explained that it wasn't a race, and the guys who drink too fast usually don't make it for 4 hours.  One guy got so drunk once that he thought the door to get to the hallway was THE WINDOW.  Seriously, how drunk do you have to get to not know the difference between a door and a fucking window?  I've been hammered before, but never enough to fail to recognize the dissimilarities between a door and a window.   With that said, we were given the standard red plastic solo cups, with our names and what liquor we were drinking written in sharpee, and the drinking commenced.

You can imagine how awkward it might be drinking  in a small room disguised as a bar inside the Milwaukee police department.  It's kind of like having a pig roast at a PETA convention.  I started chatting it up with one of the  two officers behind the bar about his job.  I don't remember much (this will become a common theme in this post).  What I do remember is the amount of liquor he showed me when he opened up the liquor closet.  The gin I was drinking (switched to gin & tonics moments before we started)  was from a house party they busted a few weeks ago.  They had a whole case of 1/2 liter Gordon's Gin at their disposal, and instead of making the guilty party dump it out - they decided to take it for the test.  Awesome.  The vodka of the day:  Fleishmans.  The Gin:  Gordon's.  It's gonna be a rough day.  A few of the guys started complaining, and one of the officers said, "You could have brought your own.  Didn't your recruit tell you that?"  The place was in an uproar.  You would have thought they were kicked out or something.  Ungrateful bastards.  A large, meathead looking guy struck up a conversation with me an hour into it.  I'm omitting his first name, but the guy's last name was Stoner.  Ha, awesome.  Stoner was a firefighter.  This firefightin jackass was pounding rum & cokes.  I think he had 5 between 10:30 and noon.  So much for pacing yourself.  What I was unaware of, was the bad blood between firefighters and police officers.  Cops don't like firefighters, and vice versa.  The more firefighter drank, the more he would talk.  And the more he talked, the dumber the jackass sounded.  Eventually the cop just walked away in the middle of dude's sentence.  Originally firefighter was cool, but the more I drank, the less of his voice I wanted to hear.  Strange.  By noon, we were all social butterflies, drinking and talking about anything and everything with everyone.  Our blood-alcohol levels were tested at noon, 2:15, and finally 3:15.

(Short side story.  Of all the guys in the room, I found "Zach" to be the strangest at first.  They say don't judge a book by it's cover - but unfortunately, that's exactly what I did.  He was a slight outcast at first, not really talking to anyone.  He was dressed in girl-esque black skinny jeans and zip up striped black and white hoodie, and had black, bed-head shoulder-length hair.  'Unkept' would be a great descriptive word.  An hour before the test ended, I struck up a drunken (I admit, I felt very drunk around 2) conversation with Zach.  Turns out that he used to be a graphic designer for Hanson Dodge Creative out of Milwaukee - one of the head advertising agencies in the region.  They currently handle the Trek Bikes account, a large client.  One of my teachers from the portfolio school recently got a job there.  Such a small world.  Moral of the story is not to be a judgmental asshole.  Zach was an awesome guy.)

Onto the field sobriety testing.  Most of us were in bad shape around 3:30.  The 2 officers in the room told us we would all get tested 8 times.  We were to listen to the recruits instructions carefully, and act only when told to.  My goal, obviously, was to be drunk and pass all tests with flying colors.  Talk about wishful thinking.  The 20 drunks, myself included, were spaced evenly throughout the length of the 2nd floor hallway, and were confronted by groups of 3 recruits each.  First test - eye tracking.  With my hands at my sides and my feet planted together, I was instructed to follow a pen back & forth with my eyes, while not moving my head.  Easier said than done.  I honestly didn't know how I did.   In my mind, I figured I'd passed.  Groups of wannabe cops came by, each trying to sound as authoritative and clear as possible.  Holding the pen slightly above eye level & tracking it back & forth to detect 'something something stagmus'.  Normal movement looks fluid and constant - drunk movement looks like your eyes are having a parkinson's-like seizure.  The second test is walking the line.  With one foot directly in front of the other, we were directed to walk heal-toe 9 times, counting each step out loud.  Do this while looking down at your feet with your hands at your sides.  When you reach 9, we were told to pivot on our left foot with short choppy steps until we faced the direction we came.  These directions were confusing, even after the recruits showed us how to do it.  When you're drunk, balancing with one foot in front of the other is hard enough as it is.  Take out the ability to balance by sticking your arms out - aaaand you're in for it.  I failed.  My 'line' was more of a 'zigzag'. 

The third test was the balance test.  Wow.  Where do I begin.  Ladies and gentlemen - I dare you to try this one.  Try it sober.  Try it drunk.  Try it after breakfast.  Try it after dinner.  You will fail.  If I got pulled over after drinking 1 beer and blowing .02, I would fail this test.  The pop quiz:  With your hands at your sides and your head down, choose either foot to balance on.  With the other foot, keeping it 6 inches off the ground and pointed downward, count 'one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three one thousand' until told to stop.  I can't begin to tell you how hard this test is.  ESPECIALLY if you've been drinking.  I was dancing like a spanish salsa dancer.  I don't think I got to 5 seconds during any one test.  I may have not even got to 5 seconds TOTAL in 8 tries.  One time, I was hopping so ferociously that I almost fell over into one of the recruits, causing them to put out their hands to 'catch me'.  I was embarassed.  I really was.  I couldn't help but laugh at the time though.  They knew I was drunk, I knew I was was almost as if I was wasting their time.  "No, recruits - you can skip station Jake, it's a lost cause".  I should have told them that, cuz it was the truth.   With all the drinkers freshly tested, freshly drunk, and in need of a bathroom break, the testing was over, and it was back to the tavern to finish our drinks and get our results.

The room was in high spirits, even though most of us knew that if this were real life, we'd totally be screwed.  But this wasn't real life.  This was fun make believe time, yaay!  We were told how many ounces of liquor we consumed between breathalyzed times, and what our BAC was at those times.  In addition, we were told how many of the 8 groups of recruits 'arrested' us.  

My results:  From 10:30a.m. - 12:05p.m., I consumed 6 oz of gin in 3 drinks.  Technically thats 2 shots of gin per drink.  Normal for most bars, I'm guessing.  
BAC:  .89
This scared the shit out of me.  Literally scared the shit out of me.  At the first point of being breathalyzed, I remember feeling fine.  Feeling normal.  Not even feeling buzzed.  .89.  Couldn't believe it.  I will NEVER drink and drive again.  I URGE you to do the same.  I honestly felt absolutely fine.  Scary stuff.
From 12:05p.m. - 2:15p.m. I consumed a total of 8 oz of gin in 4 drinks.  I also took a shot of Soco.
BAC: .169 
From 2:15p.m. - 3:15p.m., I have no written total for amount consumed.  I think the final was 8 oz of gin and 2 oz of Soco.
BAC: .187  (second highest in the class, behind, you guessed it, meathead firefighter guy)

So there you have it.  .187.  4 hours of drinking.  At my 3:15 breathalyzer, I felt drunk - but I felt that I could keep drinking.  I would have kept drinking had it been 12:30 at a bar somewhere.  I bet you can guess how many times I was arrested.  8 of 8 groups arrested me based on my field sobriety tests.  Most drinkers were arrested 8 of 8 times, but there were a few who escaped the law that day with 6 of 8 or 7 of 8 arrested.  If memory serves correctly, I think one drinker was arrested 5 of 8 times.  Which makes me wonder why the 3 other recruits didn't arrest that individual? WTF man?  In conclusion, cars + drinking = don't mix.  For your own good, don't drive after you've had a few.  You'll regret it man.  Tom laughed as he greeted me in the tavern room when the work day was over.  He called me a drunk dumbass and that was that.  As a memento of one of the most fun drinking days of my life, we were able to keep out mouthpiece from the breathalyzer.  A sweet sweet token of success (failure?).  

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Snowstorm of the Century!

Wow. Being a Wisconsinite for 24 years now, I don't ever recall a snowstorm like the one we are currently having. This is insane. For some ungodly reason, I drove into work today at 10am, as we had a delayed start. Upon arrival, I noted that I was ONE of FOUR people who showed up. I just may be the most dedicated intern in the state of Wisconsin. On my drive home, after an hour of 'work', my windshield got so bad that for a brief second I STUCK MY HEAD OUT MY WINDOW TO SEE BETTER. Eat your heart out Ace Ventura. Constant sirens in the background, zero visibility, drifts, plows working 24-7 - the scene is almost undescribable. Here's the kicker - 3 months ago at Happy Wok, my fortune cookie said "Remember this day 3 months from now". I said I would fill you in on what would happen - amazingly it affected everyone. Sorta eerie man!!! Anyways, I figured I would have to take pictures of this for future reference...or something.

Picture from the back door of my apartment. There's a small grassy area that leads to the Yahara River.

Aaaaand then I notice that I'm about 8 inches deep in snow. And this is right outside the door - meaning there was more until I pushed the snow from the door swinging open.

Well well well. Some Duckaroos quackin in the river. How are their webbed feet not cold? Seriously...

Sorry guys, I don't have any bread.

Panning right: You could see super-thin sheets of ice floating down the river.

I think the congregation doubled in 10 seconds of them seeing me. Guys, I seriously have no bread.

Expressing my distaste for powder.

Panning Left: Who's gonna win a photo competition? THIS GUY. You should see the hi-res version of this.

Summer can't come soon enough...