Friday, December 19, 2008
Tomorrow I turn 25 years of age. Am I where I'd like to be? Obviously not, but let's roll with it. 6th annual ugly Christmas sweater party is also tomorrow, and this makes me grin with glee. Held in the glorious city of Stoughton, Wisconsin, it seems like a good time to be had by all.
If you've been following this space at all, you've realized that it lacks any real focus. But that's about to change. In addition to the 'Tunes of the Month' feature, I've decided to add 3 other segments per month, if I can keep up:
1) "Beerosseur" - No, this is not a Dinosaur that indulges in beer. It's a beer connoisseur, or, a Beerosseur. I'm a self-proclaimed beer snob, and every month, I'll be writing about a superb new, or old beer that my palate heavily enjoys. And since I've recently become employed by a small Belgian beer restaurant, this column will never be empty. I have cut down on my alcohol consumption (see 10 things to do before i turn 25 blog from February 2008) and I don't really think this column will change that. Hopefully.
2) "She's Got Talent" - A little title I came up with to describe attractive women. The internet is filled with no-name hometown sweethearts. I'll scour it to find the best of the best. Think of it as the hot chick o the month. Could be entertaining.
3) The "F@*&ed Dream of the Month" - I have strange dreams. Really strange dreams lately, as I play CoD: WaW before I go to bed every night. If I can remember one really messed up dream in particular, odds are it will go here. Sex dreams not applicable.
So that's that. Nothing else new to report, besides the heavy blanket of STUPID snow on the ground that's preventing me from....well, going anywhere really. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Rice, a majestic pair of pants that will be retired soon, and some hard-hitting questions.
Here is a picture:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
10) Justice - Planisphere (Part 1)
9) Love and Rockets - No New Tale to Tell
8) City Sleeps - Not an Angel
7) Joshua Radin - Closer
6) Gnarls Barkley - Just Do It
5) Plies - Watch Dis
4) The Cool Kids - Nigga Please
3) EPMD - Run It (Duke Dumont Remix)
2) Adam Tensta - Dope Boy (Neon Blak GT Mix)
1) Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal (Telemitry Remix)
12) Carolina Liar - I'm not over
11) Gangstarr - Battle
10) Friendly Fires - Lovesick
9) Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
8) Kings of Leon - Molly Chambers
7) Kaiser Chiefs - Never Miss a Beat (Run Hide Survive Remix)
6) Lauren Flax ft. Sia - You've Changed
5) Kanye West - Love Lockdown (LMFAO Remix)
4) Karate - There are Ghosts
3) Kings of Leon - Closer
2) Murs - Can it be (half a million dollars and 18 months later)
1) Murs - A part of me
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
We all stopped at the Mount Hope horse auction. The amount of horses & buggies parked outside was astronomical. They seemed to stretch as far as the eye could see. Inside the barn, we could not believe our eyes. Hundres of Amish men, gazed only on the 20 foot horse-run in front of them. It was a massive sea of straw hats. The auctioneer, who couldnt have been more than 30, was spitting out random horse facts like a gatling gun spits bullets. It obviously smelled of horse shit in there, so I laughed heartily when my grandma (mom's side) took a step in the barn & said, "Oooh, it STINKS in here." Wow, ya think? We stuck around for about 5 minutes, watching Amish teens race their horses around, in hopes that a straw-hat clad man in the bleachers would throw up his hand, signifying a bid. The frustrating part of the Amish is that they strongly discourage pics taken of them. A part of me wants to be an asshole & snap pics like a tourist, giving the excuse "well, I'll never see them again". The other part of me knows better, and since I've come to respect their way of life, I've respected their wishes not to be photographed. (Note - of course, on the last day of my trip, my Aunt informed me that they 'allow'pics of them to be taken, they just won't 'pose' for any. Wish I would have known that at this time, as the view of a hundred straw hat men hunched over in bleachers was quite a spectacle. But, the few non Amish people (us) that were there already stood out like a sore thumb, so the flash would have made things MIGHTY awkward. Anyways..)
The next stop was the Ashery Country store. They specialized in handmade jams, jellies, cooking ingredients, organic foods & more. I bought some organic spinach spaghetti, corn salsa, black raspberry seedless jelly, and bacon horseradish veggie dip mix. Next stop, my mom & dad and the gang went to Lehman's Furniture & Amish museum. There was a small flea market outside the 3 building complex, which my parents always go for. I bought 2 beer mirror/signs, a flour advertising tin, and 5 old car/ santa claus advertisements. Before I bought those, I went into the overpriced Lehman's store and bought something. I'll give you one guess. Yup - bought a an Amish straw hat and wore it proudly around the grounds. One of the vendors, after buying the flour tin said, "Where'd you get that hat?" He was a middle-aged, tanned man with a black t-shirt that was about 6 sizes too small. "In the general store," I replied. "How much they want for it?" "12 bucks". "The Amish will be talkin to ya in no time with that hat on." For some reason, I wasn't sure what to say back. I kinda froze actually. So I say back, "Oh, we don't want that, do we. I better watch out!" I had no idea why I said that. With a heavy cackle, he continued, "They'll be askin you to marry their daughters, they will!"
I took the hat off.
This was the 2nd reference to Amish desperation! Earlier yesterday I remember hearing my aunt say something to the likes of "expanding the gene pool". Reluctantly, I told my parents about Mark's Amish $5k offer, and they of course didn't believe it. It's 5pm now, and we're on our way to the family style Amish Dinner. I'm expecting good things.
We pulled up to a small white Amish farmhouse about quarter to 7. 17 of us in tow now, seated in a small room on benches. There was a few skylights that brought a small amount of light into the room. Tiny decorative china plates that had the 50 states on them were hung from the rafters. The floor was composed of black & white tiles. 2 Amish women arrived with some fresh baked bread and homemade sweet & sour coleslaw. Butter, strawberry and black raspberry jam, and Amish peanut butter were laid out for bread toppings. This Amish peanut butter was insane. It's already sweet as it is, but then they add marshmallow fluff in it. I felt like having a heart attack everytime I looked at it, let alone when I ate it. They then offered sweet spearmint tea, with mint grown fresh from their garden. I didn't have any. Next came buttery whipped mashed potatoes, followed by chicken stuffing. The highlight of the meal, oddly enough, was the corn. I had 3 helpings. It was ridonculous. Kernels cut straight from the cob earlier in the morning. Drenched in butter, simmering in a porcelain serving bowl. Calling me to serve him up on my plate. Oh god, the corn, how i miss thee. Then came the mac & cheese. Then gravy. Then more bread. It was a miracle I didn't have to be rolled out of that room like Violet Beauregard a la Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. But oh no, this stomach overhaul wasn't done yet. Then came the baked chicken and the roast beef. Then came the 2 huge bowls of date pudding, which sounds gross, but was very good, of course. My intestines were on the brink of explosion. At that very moment, the Amish officially started to mock me. Out of the kitchen, came the 2 Amish ladies in aprons, wheeling 2 gigantic carts out with about 50 slices of pie on them.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Mom made a mix cd for the trip. I thought Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music" was an awkward choice, but she definitely surpassed it with "Hollaback Girl" immediately following. I have no words. Dad - "This might be one of the worst songs I've ever heard." Hahah AWESOME! Dad made it to 9:56 - love it.
So Ohio looks exactly like Wisconsin, just a tad more hilly. The scenery is a mirror image. Rolling hills...oak, maple, pine, and willow trees scatter the landscape. Numerous times we discussed the resemblance to mid-northern WI. Gray, drab tiny 1 bedroom houses on the side of the road no less than 20 feet away, battered by what I can only imagine as a less menacing winter. Silly-named towns, villages, and obscure little shops (like Jake's Handcrafted Oak!) are also prevolent. It's summer, obviously, and all is a vibrant shade of green. It may be boring at times, but I still have love for the midwest. Gas was as low as $3.57, a sure bargain.
Monday, September 08, 2008
In early August, my family headed out to my Aunts lakehouse located smack-dab in the middle of Amish country Ohio. In three words: It Was Awesome (my next post will be taken directly from what I wrote about the trip). This post will be dedicated to the INSANE words of some of the Amish newspapers and publications strewn around various little townships in Holmes county. In no way have the following been altered - these excerpts are the real deal. Thousands and thousands of these publications are distributed weekly/monthly, and they are (for the most part) hilarious:
These are not the tomatoes and peppers that you buy at your local roadside market. They are shipped in from Mexico and California. You will never see the people who raise them. ou can't ask the farmers questions about their food safety. Instead they are raised on huge mega-farms by migrant workers and are shipped by trucks burning Osama Bin Laden's petroleum to your local supermarkets and taco bell stores.
-The Vendor, July 30, 2008
So it's an article on Food Safety that warps into a Bin Laden gas thing? Wtf?
" 'Cherokee' Mike Edmonson remembers what he was doing when he heard the news that three members of the band Lynyrd Skynyrd had been killed in a 1977 plane crash. "I had just come out of the high school gym from wrestling practice at Maple Heights," Edmonson remembers. "I got in my Camaro, turned the radio on and heard the news. I couldn't believe that plane went down. Right then, I thought, "Skynyrd's done".
-Holmes County Fair Preview, August 7, 2008
Good god the visual stereotype can't get any better...
" Dear Farmer John: Can someone tell me how to pickle tongue? I am 86 years young and like the old fashioned things. I would also like to get some cracklins like we used to make on butchering day. Thank you and your readers so much. VC, Louisville, KY"
-Holmes County Shopper News, August 7, 2008
Ain't nothin better than pickled tongue!
And now, by far the best section of any paper I've ever read. In the Sugar Creek, Ohio's Budget, there's a front page section titled 'Letters from Home'. Yes, the following are on the FRONT PAGE:
"Clare, Michigan. July 29th...We have a local bakery that is kind of handy to have close by. Donuts and fry pies were ordered for Sat. breakfast and the fry pies for dessert in the p.m. Now for the most I'd recommend these to anyone. We learned you'd best check the fry pies as they may contain foreighn objects. The first one was filled with a paper towel (was discovered when broken in half for a small child). The second was like Billy goat gruff's pie, nothing in it, and the last was filled with a hard boiled egg. I bet they didn't think of this end of the joke. Mrs. Herman Stutzman"
" Bloomington, Wisconsin. July 28...Some fellow came to the door of Ruth Miller (Ezra) recently and asked for night crawlers. But she badly misunderstood and thought he asked for neck collars. Don't know if her southern accent (hearing) had kicked in or what happened. She originally comes from KY. She sent him over to the harness shop for those "neck collars". We all had a good laugh. Mrs. Lonnie Yoder."
" Thompsontown Pennsylvania. July 28...There was another load gone fishin in the deep sea at N.J. on Fri. and had lots of fish to bring home. Joseph Peachey and a neighbor were recently out fishing on the Juniata River in his motorboat (trolling) when they caught a small bass and were reeling it in when they got a sharp jerk and had to fight to get their catch in, a 27" walleye which had swallowed the bass and got hooked on the lure besides. Katie E. Yoder"
So watch out for those prankster bakeries, southern-speakin Amish, and fish-eatin fish. Good laughs all around. I saved all the brochures, newspapers, and publications for future lolz-fests. Stay tuned for the (very long) Amish Country Ohio Adventure blog...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Can we trade this fuckin guy already? Anyone want a lackluster second baseman that doesn't live up to his potential? No?
The Crew just acquired veteran Ray Durham - who's currently batting .290.
Hmm, let's take a gander at Mr. Weeks' average the past 4 years: 2005(.239),
2006(.279), 2007(.235), 2008(.224)
I'm so sick of hearing about him. "This will be his year!" "It's gonna be his breakout season!" I'm sorry, but his numbers have never been stellar - especially for someone who was the #2 pick of the 2003 draft.
And the double play ball that never was last night. Oh. My. Gosh. Sure, Derek Lee may have been called safe if Prince catches the ball, but it was NOWHERE NEAR HIS GLOVE. Superb throw, Rickie. But yes, go ahead and blame the errant throw on a hard slide by Reed Johnson. That play, in my opinion, changed the face of the game last night.
He's gotta go. But - who wants him?
Not I...Not I
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Nike Air Stab Premium 'Python Pack'. Faux (i think?) snakeskin print modeled after the World's most powerful snake - the Python. I bought into the gimmick - but whatever - they're f'in hot. And for $50, this purchase was a no brainer. Also bought 2 t-shirts, but the focus is on the kicks, yo.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
If you don't know what Summerfest is (I don't think I have too many out of WI readers), let me tell you a bit about the world's largest music festival.
Um...it's the world's largest music festival. Nestled on scenic Lake Michigan, Summerfest boasts the largest musical lineup in the world. So thats a big F YOU to England, and all your cool festivals, ya blokes. For a mere 15$ a day, you can watch the best bands around play their stinkin hearts out for ya. If you want to compete with thousands of people every day, and have the monetary means to do it - I suggest doing so. I could go on about how amazing Summerfest is for awhile - or I could just send you to their website, and have you fall out of your chair upon seeing the monstrosity of upcoming performances: http://www.summerfest.com/
A day by day wrap up of who I would go see if given the chance:
Thurs, June 26th
2:30pm / Harley Roadhouse Stage - Roshambo
Are you serious? Their name is ROSHAMBO.
I don't need to know anything about this group. The name alone has me intrigued.
6:00pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Nonpoint
Six pm? You kidding me? Get here early to get a peak at nonpoint. Why they aren't the headliner on this stage at 10pm is beyond me (it's Drowning Pool if you're interested) Elias is a beast on the vocals and their drummer looks like he'd snap you in half like a dull pencil. Great live show, don't miss it.
10:00pm / Briggs & Stratton Stage - Gnarls Barkley
I'm not sure you realize the impact that Cee-Lo has had on music today. Do your research - the guy is important. Paired with Danger Mouse, I have to believe their live show would be top notch. If GB isn't your thing, maybe They Might be Giants or Three Dog Night will tickle your fancy.
Fri, June 27th
12:30pm / US Cellular Connections Stage - Mighty Short Bus
Well there's a pleasant surprise! Madison's own MSB makin the trek over. A good cover band that has the necessary tools to give you a rockin good time.
6:30pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Silvergun
I don't know where or why, but I've heard this band before, and I remember liking them. Some band called Anew Revolution (clever, not!) is playing after them. Followed by...
10:00PM / Zippo Rock Stage - Sevendust
Lajon. Need I say more? Rumor has it that their old drummer Clint will be playing with them at this show. Makes me jealous that I will not be going, due to my presence being needed at my place of employment.
Sat, June 28th
For the first Saturday of Summerfest, I'm actually quite disappointed. The lineups actually suck . . . a lot. I'm not sure who they're trying to aim their shows at, but honestly I'm kind of curious at the selections. Who I'd go see anyways:
12:30pm / US Cellular Stage - The Sharp & Harkins Band
HOLY CRAP! S&H get a gig at Summerfest. My boys are gonna reggae rock the shit outta you! Guaranteed to be a good time and a great show. Stoughton/Whitewater/Madison people need to be in attendance for this moment. I unfortunately cannot due to prior obligations.
10:00pm / US Cellular Stage - Shinedown
Yeah, thats a hefty space in between for 'bands to see'. Also playing around noon is Fat J and the Pinners, Waterford townie favorites. Also good around that time frame is Katie Todd band. She can wail. At any rate, yes Shinedown is the only other band I'd want to go see today. That's 8 hours of drinking and eating high caloric food in between shows. Be careful. Shinedown's new single 'devour' is ownin my soul at the moment.
Sun, June 29th
8:30pm / Miller Lite Oasis - Truth in Fiction
High school buddy Dan Beres' band is still trucking. Fresh off a new release in Japan, Truth in Fictions crowd-friendly pop punk will start your night off well. Plus, they're opening up for...
Always been more of a fan of Jack's Mannequin than Something Corporate. I'm guessing it's the piano. Yes, I like the ivory...
If seats weren't available, I'd wander off to see the Scarring Party playing at 8:00pm on the US Cellular Stage. An old Whitewater friend of mine named Isa plays in that band, and although I haven't seen her in awhile, I'd go support the band. Apparently they're doing well in the Milwaukee area. Well enough to open up for the Polyphonic Spree, playing on that stage around 10:00pm.
Mon, June 30th
Also kind of a weak night. 10pm headliners include Matisyahu, Paramore, and from the 'they're still alive??' vault Gin Blossoms and Candlebox. I'll pass on those and head to see:
10:00pm / Potawanami Bingo Stage - Indigenous
Blues-rock at it's absolute finest. One of my fav songs of all time is 'Things We Do'. I'm sure they'll play it. Not to be missed.
Part 2 coming tomorrow...
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
great or eager desire; yearning.
Can this place get any better? I mean, look at the fricking LOGO. Even that is near perfection. If you were wondering, yes, that's the woman whose voice I hear when I enter the gates of this beautiful foodcropolis. It's like the building is the woman, and she's holding me. She keeps me warm, and looks out for me during my lunch hour. She's holding me close, and I'm a loaf of bread, just sucking at the Panera teat. Yeah - that's me! She's rocking me gently to Panera bliss. And I'm wishing, waiting, wondering...how a food chain can be so great and cater to my tastebuds' every need.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm watching baseball tonight last night, and witnessed this hilarious clip. It's Steve Phillips' birthday, and Boomer & the gang are nice enough to give him a cake for the event. As the dessert gets passed down, you can sense Kruk salivating like Pavlov's dog to rip into the sugary mess. Note at the 40 second mark, Mr. Kruk just loses his mind, along with his patience, and demands a piece. The tone of his voice almost made me cry I was laughing so hard. If there's anything to be learned from this, it's that if you have small children - please, please don't let them come within 15 feet of John Kruk, as he's likely to devour them.
(A massive thank-you goes to the boys over at 'Awful Announcing', who dug up the clip at my request. They even gave me a little credit in their post here: http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/05/john-kruk-really-wants-that-cake.html)
edit - apparently I can't embed a video from Red Lasso. I'm gonna need some help with this. In the meantime, go to the above link..thanks
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
23) Elliot Smith - Miss Misery
22) David Essex - Rock On21) Nonpoint - What a Day
20) Maceo Parker - Shake Everything You Got
19) David Guetta vs The Egg - Love Don't Let Me Go (Walking Away)
18) Tift Merritt - Broken
17) Cold - When Angels Fly Away
16) Finger Eleven - Change the World
15) STP - Wicked Garden
14) Tantric - Down & Out
13) Bon Iver - Skinny Love
12) Theory of a Deadman - No Surprise
11) Glenn Morrison - No Sudden Moves
10) Glenn Morrison - Contact
9) Evans Blue - Dark that Follows
8) Parlour Steps - Hot Romance
7) Theory of a Deadman - Say I'm Sorry
6) Slightly Stoopid - Leaving on a Jet Plane
5) Zox - Goodnight
4) Hoobastank - If Only
3) Crossfade - Cold
2) Deadmau5 - Arguru
1) Atmosphere - Shoulda Known
April Musical Showers
18) Lazee - Rock Away
17) Vein ft. Pitbull - Get Up, Stand Up
16) Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (sorry, had to...)
15) Dropping Daylight - Brace Yourself
14) Sharp & Harkins Band - Freedom (myspace)
13) Truth in Fiction - Brown Sweater (myspace)
12) Mae - Someone elses arms
11) Junkie XL - Booming back at you
10) MGMT - Time to Pretend
9) Tokio Hotel - Ready Set Go (sorry again...)
8) Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Rascal King
7) Sponge - Plowed
6) Reel Big Fish - She has a girlfriend now
5) Saul Williams - List of Demands
4) Headway - The Start
3) Atmosphere - Always coming back home to you
2) Evans Blue - Pin up
1) Lyrics Born - Hott 2 Def
Hey, It's May!
18) Jay Z - I Know
17) Snoop Dogg & Everlast - My Medicine
16) Wolf Parade - Modern World
15) ZZ Top - You got me Under Pressure
14) Faithless - Music Matters
13) Mae - Home
12) Miguel Migs - Make Things Happen
11) Chris Brown - Kiss Kiss (Alan Astor Mix)
10) Yazoo - Situation
9) DJ Lobsterdust - UNK, Avril Lavigne, Tony Basil - Walkin' Out Yo Girlfriend (Mashup)
8) Story of the Year - Apathy is a Deathwish
7) Adam Tensta - My Cool
6) Atmosphere - Can't Break
5) Atmosphere - The Waitress
4) 10 Years - 11:00am(Daydreamer)
3) Atmosphere - Your Glasshouse
2) Story of the Year - The Black Swan
1) Story of the Year - Tell Me (P.A.C.)
(8-1 are MUST dl's, fyi)
Till next time...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
(The following was written while I was waiting for my flight at the Milwaukee and Minneapolis airports, respectively)
Wed, March 26th, 3:20pm @ MKE
They say one of the best spots to meet single people is at an airport. Who's 'they' though? I dunno, I read it somewhere. This post has nothing to do with meeting a girl, I just wanted to throw that little ditty out there. Either way, I just paid $10 for a gin & tonic. I've never drank at the airport bar before. I probably won't again. The bartender gave me a double beefeater and tonic, and to be honest - I didn't really want a double. Halfway through my drink, a girl my age, chatting away on her cell, ordered a drink next to me. "Hold on", she said, looking in my direction. "Can you drink before you fly?" I started laughing. I reply, "Uh, that's what I'm doing" and held my hand to my drink like I was Vanna White turning an imaginary letter. She chuckled, and went back to talking away. I hope I didn't come off as an asshole - but I thought the previous question was common knowledge? I was early for my flight, so after the 1 drink I settled down in the waiting area. Some 45 minutes later, the previous girl is now standing nearby me again. She looks like she's freaking out inside. "I've never flown before" she tells me. "But I got some beer in me, so it's smooth sailing now!" I guess? Nothin like some sweet old sudsy dudsy sloshin around during turbulence. She was nice, but kinda wierd.
Wed, March 26th, 6:15pm @ Minnehopelessness
6 billion people on Earth, right? It truly is a small world. This is a true story...
...sitting next to me in the bar @ Minneapplesauce/St. Paul International airport is a sweet 50 year old lady. We start to chat it up - and the similarities start to become eerie. She spent 8 years living in La Crosse, WI - aka my favorite college town, and where my parents originally met. We talking about our travels and where we've lived, and she tells me she currently lives in Colorado Springs, to which I reply, "Nice. I've never been west of Kansas." She chimes in, "Oh, I lived in Hays, Kansas". Get outta here lady! To those of you who don't know (and I pray you don't), Hays, KS is in the middle of fucking nowhere. Nothing is within 100 miles of this place. It's a city in the middle of a dry, brown, desert full of oil rigs. No one should want to wind up there. Seriously. Oddly enough, my aunt/uncle/cousins currently live there, and my grandma (from Attempting Floridian Fame Vol I) lived there for 1/2 a decade. Also, the city name is basically my last name. Wow. I continue drinking my $10 (ouch again) 20 oz Leine's Red and the gentlemen directly to my right leans over and goes, "So you live in Madison, eh? I own the Argus building". WTF, this is nuts. I work at the Great Dane downtown - and you can clearly see the Argus bar & building from that location. It get's creepier - his moustached friend next to him, adorned in flannel attire also has something to say. "You said you were from Racine, right?" I nod yes. "I grew up there".
Am I on candid fucking camera?
This is happening in the Minneapolis airport. Honestly, what the hell is going on here.
As if it couldn't get any wierder, it turns out this guy lived ONE BLOCK away from my childhood residence. He described the boulevard I lived on perfectly. So, let's recap. The dude-who-owns the Argus' friend grew up right behind me 30 years ago. Got it. Dude-who-owns the Argus continues - "I own the chamber building above Pizza Extreme (E. Wash for you Madisonians) too. Did you say you moved from Racine to Waterford?" I say yes, and wonder why, and how long, these 2 were eavesdropping on my other convo. The next part completes the creepiness circle. He tells me of a renter of his who used to smoke pot with him on a daily basis. After a night of no doubt black-out-drunkeness, this renter of his climbed on the roof of his apartment and FELL THROUGH the skylight of the afforementioned building. I laugh my ass off and he says, "He's been a teacher at Waterford High School for 15 years now. His name is Mike".
It wasn't Harmeling, and I couldn't think of another last name for the life of me. At any rate, this shit is amazing. Lastly, guy tells me also owns the Madison Metropolitan. If you haven't been keeping up on current events the Metropolitan is in foreclosure. There were numerous stories about it in the WI State Journal. This guy owes millions. OWES MILLIONS. He blamed it on the bank and then on the Willy St. Co-op for not helping him out or something. He told me he was flying to Ft. Lauderdale for a tradeshow on wood flooring. Hmmm. Guy- (never actually got either of the 2 men's names) instead of a flooring conference - perhaps you should go to a 'real estate for dumbasses' or 'managing your finances correctly' seminar. Wow. It really is a small world. I got on my plane really, really creeped out.
http://www.channel3000.com/news/15218241/detail.html < News Story on Metropolitan's foreclosure
Aboard the Minneapolis flight, 2 douchebags in their mid twenties were behind me talking about grotesque things, and other musings that should not be talked about at a high volume, which they currently are doing. I knew it was going to be a long flight immediately after they sat down:
Dbag1- "I get the window seat eh"
Dbag1- "Haha - you're gonna have to sit next to the FAT lady! hahah!"
[10 second pause]
Gentleman1- "I'm not fat. And I'm no lady."
5 minutes later he asked the stuartist if he could move, and she promptly reseated him. I should have asked as well. The next 4 hours were filled with ramblings on women, ebay, video games, std's, marriage, the army, and more. As I sat by myself, I actually considered turning around and asking them, "Have either of you ever been called a douchebag before?" Had they said yes, I would have said nothing, and turned around. Had they said no, I would have simply stated "You're both douchebags" and turned around. I would never be able to actually do that, but it felt somewhat liberating to think about it. The worst part of this story is, for a good hour, I wrote what I called 'The Douchebag Haikus'. It was a good 12-15 part barrage of Haikus on what these 2 morons were talking about. They were really good - they even made me crack up at myself. Unfortunately, whatever I wrote them on - I no longer have. It makes me really sad, cuz I know you would have liked them. Damn me for losing that piece of paper. I might never forgive myself.
What I still DO have, is a few noteable quotes from the duo that I scribbled whilst waiting to fly. Keep in mind they are spewing this trash at an unreasonable volume. Keep in mind this flight has children behind them, and plenty of other strangers strewn next to them on this evening flight.
Dbag1- "I had a massive hard-on, and she got on top of me, and I was like 'this is a bad idea in the pooooo-ooool' ".
Dbag1- "I'm giving birth to a beautiful herpe-infested baby boy". About a call from a hook up on the Vans Warped Tour in a dream he had.
Dbag2- "What'd you say to her?"
Dbag1- "Well, I was hard on her. I called her a bitch and a cunt".
Dbag2- "Hmm. I talk to my wife like that every night."
Dbag1- "But after that fight, we've been better than ever".
Dbag2- "You get a make-up blowjob?"
Dbag1- "Maybe I got a make-up hug, if that..."
Dbag1- "You ever get head from a chick....and like.....just wanna pull her head off and do it yourself"?
Not gonna lie, that one made me laugh a bit. But the smile went away fast, cuz I remembered how douchebaggy they had been thus far. All of the above was said BEFORE WE EVEN TOOK OFF. 2 hours into the flight, Dbag1 talks about how Wisconsin girls have outdrank him. Doesn't surprise me. My guess is a 3 year old in a sandbox could outdrink that homo. 3 hours in, I overhear that he's from Stevens Point. Great. Until this point I was hoping he was from Florida, or down south, or somewhere else - ANYWHERE but Wisco. Wrong. For the record, Dbag1 was by far the douchier of the douchebags. Anyways, the topic switched to Ebay for a good 30 minutes. I forget what was said, but the business tactics of Dbag2 were stunningly shitty. Again, I'm quite upset at myself for losing that haiku document. It would have been some award winning poetry right there.
Nothing too exciting to report here. My flight left Ft. Lauderdale a bit after 4pm on April 2nd. I was so incredibly hungover from 6 days of drinking that my body basically shut down that day. I had a massive heat rash on my chest and arms from dehydration & the sun. The previous night consisted of patron & pitchers, so my mouth - even after numerous brushings - tasted like a garbage disposal. Out of my element completely, I actually pooped at the airport. Defecated in an airport bathroom. Yucks. Nauceous for about 2 hours pre-flight, I struggled not to yak at every moment. I'm telling you - it was a miracle I didn't throw up between the hours of 10am & 6pm that day. A miracle.
The flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Memphis was fine, minus my ability to even think a complete thought. Some large spanish family had a kid up front who kept screaming. It was a happy scream though, so it was ok for awhile. And when I say 'awhile', I mean 'never.' Eventually the stuartist bitched at the family for not even paying attention to the little guy or even bothering to shut him up. It was really wierd. If I had a kid who was being loud on a plane, I would probably tell it to stop. "Don't yell" - I would say.
2 hour layover in Memphis. What a shitty airport that was. For how busy it was, they had about 20 chairs to wait in. I found this unacceptable. Did you know that Memphis is the #1 cargo carrying airport in the world? Number 2 was Paris, France. Apparently the time zones and the fact that Memphis is centrally located (kinda?) is what makes it such a popular destination. You could look it up, but I think 11 million packages go through that airport every day. Or is that too much? I don't really recall - I was still not functioning very well so the fact that I could actually read words at all was comforting enough. Another large family was hustling and bustling a few yards away. The father had a WI tee on. There were 5 very small children crying, eating, yelling, and doing other kid things. He walked by me numerous times muttering 'fuck' under his breath. I didn't really feel bad for him though, as it's his fault for goin to town without a hat on, ya know? The youngest child couldn't have been more than a year old. She could talk, but barely. A lot of that incoherent stuff that kids 'say' at that age.
Fast forward to the plane. We're waiting to lift off, and we're a few planes in line. It really wasn't all that funny - but it made me laugh my ass off: No more than 5 minutes in, the previously mentioned young child started screaming. Crying screaming. Through the garbled yelling, I could make out only one phrase. "IIII WAANT MY DA-DDYYYY" This was repeated about 100 times, no joke. I'm laughing in my seat, and the guy next to me thinks I'm nuts. The only real reason I was laughing so hard was the fact that a) The mother was the only one with her and b) IT WAS IN FIRST CLASS!!! All the hoity toity bastards & bastardesses (just made that one up now, folks) were scowling at the helpless mother. They paid all that extra money to get bigger seats, amazing service, free drinks - only to have this dumb kid SCREAM at the top of her lungs in search for her daaaaadddyyyy for 15 minutes. 15 solid minutes of uncontrollable crying. I laughed really hard.
My flight touched down in (cold) Milwaukee around 9:30.
My flights to Milwaukee were heaven compared to what Schmill went through. The atrocities that he experienced on his return trip were enough to push any human to their limit. Delays. Cancellations. Emus. Just kidding. But he was so frustrated during and after the ordeal, that I told him he should write about it. So he did. The following is directly from the Schmill himself, sent to me:
While returning from a recent trip to Florida I had the opportunity to witness very interesting traits among fellow Americans. I also got to experience corporate greed at its finest. My US Airways flight back to Milwaukee from Charlotte was severely delayed and we had finally gotten on to the tarmac to take off. We began the acceleration off the runway but never left the ground. The frustration among all passengers immediately rose. Once back at the terminal we learned the door sensors alerted it wasn’t shut. An hour later, we learned the flight was cancelled. This is where it became interesting. People began scrambling to butt in line to talk with the ticketing agent, Stephanie. She was frantically trying to get alternate flight arrangements from her head office yet the questions/concerns/complaints kept on coming to her. Some passengers made their calls to get alternate flights. One amazing person actually found an alternate flight to Milwaukee and gave the reservation up to a mother travelling with her newborn child; one of the nicest things I’ve seen in awhile. Poor Stephanie was running out of same day flights and reported that arrangements were being made to send us home the next day. People were not happy and some even banded together to get back to Milwaukee. A group of 5 strangers took an alternate flight to St. Louis and bided to drive the 6 hours to Milwaukee. I on the other hand decided to take the next day flight. After a shitty nights’ sleep, I was off to Philadelphia to catch a connecting flight on Midwest back home (I was looking forward to the cookie). However, after a 3 hour layover and then checking in at the Midwest ticket counter, they said US Airways had reserved my flight but hadn’t sent over my ticket. Not happy. I trek over to another terminal to find a US Airways agent. They first off had no idea what I was talking about and then once they found my information, instead of sending the ticket over and sending me on my initial flight, they booked me on a delayed US Airways flight 6 hours later. Pissed off, I took my 10 dollars of meal vouchers “for the inconvenience” and wasted my Saturday at the Philadelphia airport. Needless to say, it was a shitty way to end a vacation; I finally made it back to Milwaukee and shall choose US Airways as a last resort from now on.
Airports and airplanes are crazy. The end.