Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Plot's End

What the shit did I just watch? I'd like my $4 dollars back please, Blockbuster. I think I'm serious.







Around 7:00 last night, I decided to sit down and watch the final installment of Disney's money-making juggernaut known as Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The following is as good of a review as I can muster up at this point in the morning.

We open on those tightass English George-Washington-permed-hair-looking pricks hanging a bunch of people in the town square. Apparently these people had ties to pirates or something, and jolly old England ain't havin nothing of it. The Pirate life is coming to an end. OHMYGOSH, that's why it's called 'At World's End'! I get it! And that's the last thing I understood from this awful fucking movie. Cue next scene, where hotass Kierra Knightley is rowin a boat somewhere in east Asia. Do they have makeup in 1600whatever year it is? Anyways, so Kierra Knightley and that Barbosa guy go talk to Chow Yun Fat, some pirate lord guy who they need help from. He's got a map they need. Oh shit, there's Will Turner, played by Orlando Bloom. For some reason he's all tied up. Chow Yun Fat, who's sporting a sexy 2-foot long rat tail on his chin, says that Will Turner tried to steal it from him. Oddly, lovers Will and Kierra aren't getting along. Ok. Barbosa and Kierra tell Asian guy that all 9 Pirate 'Bretheren' are meeting to discuss things somewhere far away. He gets mad and demands more steam. STEAM! Steam baths are important back then, I presume. GOD DAMMIT MORE STEAM! "I NEED THAT SHIT TO FUNCTION!" he yells. He didn't really yell that, but he might as well have, cuz I laughed. Oh well you look at that - Barbosa's pirate hooligans have control of the underground steam room now and they're not doing a good job giving dude his hot air. There's shenanigans-a-brewin! Sure enough, Chow Yun Fat gets pissed and a fight ensues. Cue tightass English assholes, who politely knock on the door and let themselves in. PSYCH! They bust down that door with some force and its CRAYZAAAAYYYYYY! Theres swords and guns and people gettin stabbed. It's a free for all! Even some fireworks blast away in the night sky. You know, since they're in ASIA theres FIREWORKS! People die.

Whew, close call. Will Turner, Elizabeth, and Barbosa are ok. But those English assholes are persistent. They better do something drastic, before their world as they know it is over. They decide to go rescue Captain Jack Sparrow. Unfortunately for them, he's in 'Davey Jones' Locker' along with the Black Pearl. Davey Jones' locker isn't a small metal cabinet that houses dirty socks and smelly athletic shoes. It's a never-ending, white, barren land mass that bad people get sent to when an octopus swallows you in a Disney movie.

So you've got your main characters now, and some familiar faces from the previous films. Like the dude w/ the fake eye that pops out and his pudgy friend. You'd recognize the others, but I'm not going into detail. Next scene we see our wordsmith Jack Sparrow at the helm of his ship. And would you look at that - he's BAT SHIT CRAZY! There's tons of Jack Sparrows! THIS IS GREAT. Chicken Jack Sparrow's, Unattentive Jack Sparrows, a Jack Sparrow washin the poop deck, Jack Sparrow at the ship's wheel. This scene is stupid. He's going nowhere in this desert, as his ship is, well, not moving cuz it's on land. He comes to his senses and jumps overboard. He tries to skip stones on the land. It doesn't work. For some unknown reason, the stone is a crab. The crab calls his magic posse to appear and 2 million crabs carry him and the ship to the mouth of this purgatory basin, where our afforementioned friends have arrived. Some crewmen have died on the journey.

After the journey back to the real world, we're in this Pirate Bretheren Court room. The pirates have to decide what to do about the English assholes. Kierra Knightleys character is made Pirate King, and Keith Richards looks like he does in every day life: Nuts. Another plot twist happens at the mention of the Sea Goddess 'Calypso'. Apparently that Louisana looking/sounding woman from the bayou is some incredible sea creature with a power not to be messed with. I haven't understood a word this broad has said during the entire movie, so this is news to me. She has some wicked gingivitis.


This is where my review lacks, because Will Turner, Barbosa, Jack Sparrow, Hot Kierra Knightley, English Asshole Lord Beckett, and Tentacle man Davey Jones keep meeting up and trying to make deals with each other while the viewer is left jerking themselves off cuz nothing in this movie makes sense. It doesn't matter if you've seen the first two before. It doesn't matter if you've just got done watching 6 hours of the other 2 right before this one - you will be confused. Lets fast forward to the final scenes.

So the last remaining Pirates of the Earth gather to take on the European armada controlled by Lord Beckett, who has Davey Jones' heart in a box and therefore controls him and his ship 'the Dutchman'. Jack Sparrow still wants to kill Davey Jones. Will Turner still wants to bring his dead dad back from the clutches of the Dutchman ship. Hot Kierra Knightley still wants to wreck Lord Beckett for killing her father. Barbosa wants...well, he probably wants this movie to be over with.

The pirates bring up the Louisiana crawfish woman they've had locked up for a bit below deck. They're gonna release her (as she is Calypso - snap!), and hopefully she'll fuck up that English Armada. She breathes in some pirate marijuana and turns into the 50ft woman. I laugh, hysterically. It turns out she's a walking STD, because one minute later she turns into the crab posse from before. I don't get it, but I laugh harder. I'm not making this up people. Just as the armada closes in, a storm erupts and creates a swirling water sinkhole. The black pearl with our heroes aboard and the Dutchman boat with Davey Jones with some English assholes head into the waterhole for a battle of epic proportions.


"ARRGGH. RAISE THE SAILS. FIRE CANNONS. CHING CHING CHING. BLAST BOOM! WOOD CRACK. INCOHERENT PIRATE VOCABULARY. SEAWORTHY BOW. CRASH."
repeat. I can't understand what anyone is saying. People die.


The visual onslaught goes for 10 or 15 minutes. Davey Jones and Jack Sparrow somehow get on top of a huge sail and fight with swords. It also is hilarious. I'm so pissed at this movie right now and realize that I've been watching it for 2 and a half hours. I don't think Jack Sparrow is clever or funny anymore, and I don't care who wins. I just want to see a peak of Kierra Knightleys sideboob. Alas, no sideboob ever came. But her and Will Turner are kickin some ass! Then they get married by Barbosa on the ship during the skirmish. Compelling! They kiss and shit blows up around them in slow-motion. People probably die.

Except for the barnacle clad dead sea-creatures that are forced to be with the Dutchman ship. Boy, if I was in that battle, I would not want to swordfight an already dead being, because ITS ALREADY DEAD AND YOU CANT KILL IT. God this movie sucks. Johnny Sparrow drops the heart box and someone recovers it. Will Turner gets sworded by Davey Jones and Elizabeth is heartbroken. Crap, she was only married to him for 4 minutes. For shame. Someone gets distracted - probably by people dying off camera. And the next thing you know Jack Depp just stabbed Davey Jones' heart with the hand of a dying Will Turner. Is this shit over yet? Water sinkhole stops and everyone can breathe a breath of musty dead air.

Oh I get it. Will Turner now has to control the Dutchman for 10 years with the barnacle-clad dead sea creatures on the ship. But his dad is free? Or something. He's on a romantic getaway with Elizabeth. They make out on the beach. He gets on his ship and heads over to the black pearl to see if anyone aboard wants some egg rolls from East Asia. Lord Beckett sees his flying dutchman ship in the distance and is all happy because he thinks it's going to destroy the Black Pearl finally. By the way, how is that ship still floating? Pretty sure I saw wood cracking, sails ripping, etc - and that vessel should not be afloat still. Anyways. The Dutchman and the Pearl pull a fast one on the main Enghlish Asshole ship and go right for Lord Beckett. He freezes under pressure like Stevie Wonder on the free throw line. English assholes abandon ship as our heroes approach from both sides. Cannons shred the English ship and Lord Beckett's last words are from a Marketing Strategies class he took a couple years before, saying "It's just good business." What in the fuck? He dies.




Credits



Ummmmm. I was THIS close to stabbing my eyes with my keys, Disney!

Things I learned from Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

  • Don't have relations with any woman from Louisiana. She probably has crabs.
  • If you play with swords in Asia, you're gonna get burned. By fireworks.
  • 17th century ships are indestructible. Many are still around today.
  • Kierra Knightley is hot no matter what she wears. Also - would be a better actress if she didn't speak.
  • French pirates are still the biggest assholes of the pirate world.
  • Keith Richards probably has a shrunken head of his mother in real life.
  • Johnny Depp has more money than your whole family, and mine put together x 5.

GRADE: D

3 comments:

dnccall said...

This review is hilarious and right on accurate. The review was more entertaining than the movie, although both were long.

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