Wednesday, January 16, 2008

A thank you to the Green Bay Packers

To the Green Bay Packers: Thank you. This season has been nothing short of miraculous. What a joy it has been to watch you outperform your enemy on Sundays. Win after win after win after win - it almost seems surreal. But it is really happening, one week at a time. If you would have told me before week 1 that the Packers would go 13-3 this season, I would have laughed in your face. Laughed long and laughed hard. Brett Favre is playing some of the best football in his career at age 38. A team that once had no running game at all has seen an unknown Ryan Grant score 3 touchdowns and run for 201 yards in the playoff game last week vs. the Seahawks. Eat it, Matt Hasselback. This season has been absolutely magical. Just look at our record the past 3 years: 2005: 4-12. 2006: 8-8. 2007: 13-3. What a turnaround. It almost seems impossible. Believe it. Again, Green Bay Packers, thank you. You have fans around America rooting for you in the playoffs. You win as a team and you lose as a team (Oscar nominee: T.O.), but at this point I'd like to thank a few of you personally.

Ted Thompson - Apparently you're a genius. Thanks for doing whatever exactly it is that you've done.
Mike McCarthy - Thanks for letting Brett Favre do whatever he wants to. It's fun to watch
Brett Favre - Where to begin? You're so likeable it hurts. I've called you God before. You're the sole commander of the team. If you told me to jump off a bridge I would probably do it. You have broken so many records it's sickening. Your first completed pass as a Packer was to yourself. Yeah. Nowadays you're pushing 40. Please don't ever retire. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't care for you a few years ago with all the interceptions you threw. Please accept my apology. You are the man of men. Also - thanks for having a smokin' hot wife.
Mason Crosby - For being a 212lb kicker. And making tons of field goals.
Aaron Rodgers - For getting rid of the ugly ass porn star moustache. And for playing surprisingly well when our #4 got dinged up in the Dallas game.
Atari Bigby - A thank you to your parents, who named you Atari, and quite obviously- smoked a lot of dope and played a ton of video games.
Charles Woodson - For being the leader in the backfield that you are. HEISMAN WHAT!
Ryan Grant - For establishing our running game.
Will Blackmon - For that badass game you had on special teams where you scored 2 touchdowns.
Al Harris - For not cutting your dreadlocks, and consistently covering the opponents best receiver. Some say you've lost a step - I say you're still one of the elite CB's in the league. F the naysayers.
Vernand Morency - For getting hurt, allowing Ryan Grant to play.
Aaron Rouse & Tramon Williams - For being younger than I am, and still kickin ass. You guys should be awesome defenders in a year or two.
A.J. Hawk - For looking like the modern-day neanderthal and grunting/screaming in the faces of cowering running backs. Secondly, for marrying the stunningly gorgeous Laura Quinn. Do you feel like you have to spear Brady when you see him at family functions? I bet he cries in his sleep.
Brady Poppinga - For 'Poppingaaaa'. Poppingaaa. It's fun to say. But seriously - hurt someone soon please.
Nick Barnett - For being relentless. You're a cocky sonofabitch, and that fits your position perfectly. You scare me. (in a good way)
Mark Tauscher - For staying in Wisconsin for so long and not asking to be traded, masturbating to death from boredom, or becoming a serial killer. A Badger and a Packer; I can't imagine a better football combination.
Aaron Kampman - For smothering QB's like I smother BBQ on my chicken: Thick.

Yeah that makes no sense. Shut up.

Chad Clifton - For being dependable and staying with GB for a long time.
Cullen Jenkins, Ryan Pickett, and Corey Williams - For swallowing up QB's like you swallowed up massive portions of your food growing up. I bet those people who called you fat so many years ago in grade school aren't making nearly as much money as you are right now. Suckas.
Donald Driver - For continuing to go on routes through the middle. And getting absolutely lit up in the process. And time after time, getting right back up just to go on the same route a few plays later to catch the same Favre bullet. It is incredible. Honestly. And for makin that money with the whole McD's arch card bullshit! If I ate there, I'd grab one of those cards with your bald mug on it. And I'd be pleased.
Koren Robinson - For kicking the habit. It's great to have you in green & gold.
Ruvell Martin - Thanks for being another asset to our offense. A great threat with great hands.
Greg Jennings - For being a stud. It's like Robert Brooks and Sterling Sharpe had a baby. And they named him Greg Jennings. I'm going to be buying your jersey soon. Thank you for the catch in OT vs Denver. Also thank you for the catch vs. the Raiders which you scored on. You made that dude look like he was pubescent teen on that 'tackle'.
Donald Lee - For catching touchdowns I guess.
Noah Herron & DeShawn Wynn - For getting hurt, allowing Ryan Grant to play.
James Jones - For a few of those crazy catches you've made this year. I haven't forgotten about some of those drops though. I'm not a professional athelete though. It's gonna be great to see what you can do next year.
KGB - For sharing your name with a badass Soviet rebel unit. Thanks to all the announcers who still pronounce his name wrong (there aren't many out there anymore, I believe)
Johnny Jolly - For straight up dominating at the beginning of the season. Get better. We need you.


See also: Steve Czaban's article on the revived Packers:

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