Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Who eats this stuff?

Everytime I see an Ihop commercial on tv, I come close to puking in my mouth. Seriously - who eats these pancake things with strawberry cardiac arrest glaze and whip cream on top? Not I, nor anyone else I know. Long gone are the days where a dollop of butter & some maple syrup adorned the pancake. Apparently Americans now shovel this concoction of glucose and flour into their pie-holes (should it now be changed to pancake-holes? This is a serious question I'm posing to you) Never have I felt the urge to have my flapjacks drowning in some blueberry-syrup, whipped cream topped mess. It just doesn't make any sense. How messed up do you have to be to look at your server & order the 'death platter' ? Make sure to hold the banana slices though - you wouldn't want anything slightly nutritious in there. But feel free to throw in some yogurt or ice cream, chief.
To be honest, I was going to end this post right here, with a picture of the new grotesque inventions from the sick minds over at IHOP. Here they are, the new 'shortcake' pancakes:

But the worst is yet to come. Upon venturing to their corporate site, I got hit with this:

...The FUCK is that? You have to be kidding me. It's not like America is the most obese nation in the world or anything. If you're a parent, and you let your kids eat this - punch yourself in the throat. Dr. Seuss-inspired FATcakes for the kids? I'm blown away. Little Timmy will have to sit out a few days in gym class, due to his arteries choking on the chunks of pure fat gurgling through them. Poor lad. He had so much going for him. If the visually stunning sugar glaze isn't enough for their sweet-tooth, the sucker bursting through the top of this disgusting Everest mountain of shit sure will be. The description, courtesy of IHOP:

"Who-Ville's Who-cakes with lots and lots of surprises. Shortcake pancakes of all shapes and sizes. Real boysenberry and blueberry glaze on top. With rainbow chocolate chips and a pink lollipop!"

I think I'm truly upset.


deuddersun said...

Holy fuckin shit! You couldn't force that down my throat with a bulldozer!


And we wonder why our kids are fucked up...


Sara Giddee said...

Sidenote: The South piles so much shit on their breakfast food that it becomes desert. I've had more Waffle House waffles w/butterscotch chips than any normal person should be allowed. And FYI, those shortcake pancakes are bomb. Don't judge.

Jake said...

GIDDEE NOOOO! Say it ain't so!

Anonymous said...

Jake, you hit this one on the head... amazing. You crack me up by stating the truths that be. When I need cheering up I will definetly be visiting here again!

Tracy (long lost friend from H.S.)

and I'm not surprised to hear about the pot-smoking drunk that is a teacher at WHS.. but still incredibly hilarious