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My love for Panera is borderline ridiculous

crav·ing: [krey-ving]

noun
great or eager desire; yearning.

My eager desire for Panera Bread is borderline ridiculous. You know that show called 'Intervention' ? Neither do I, but I've seen it when I scroll through the guide on tv. Either way, I might need one. I may need a Panera Intervention.

Some time ago, I deemed Tuesday's 'Panera Day'. So every 2nd day of the workweek around 1:30pm, I get in my car and drive 2.2 miles to my food intake Mecca. If for some reason I can't make it there that day - I'm instantly crabby. It's like my world is caving in on me like a cave would cave in on me. I walk through those glorious double-glass doors and it's as if the voice of the establishment calls out to me..."Jake...," Panera says, "Welcome to a place that aims to keep you content and satisfied". I swear to god she says it to me. She has a soft, soothing voice. But when I step foot into that place, an ear-to-ear smile comes over me. Directly in front of me is the bakery station. Complete with bagels, sourdough bread, stone-milled rye, double chocolate cookies...I could go on forever. But I have to bypass that splendid section, as I only have 45 minutes to achieve what I can only describe as 'gullet-orgasm'.

I always see the same people working when I stop in. They never recognize me. Or maybe they do, it's just that they're afraid to talk to someone with such a stupid shit-eating grin on their face. I'm guessing it's the latter reason. But oh no, that sure doesn't mess with my Panera Time. The sounds, the smells, the tastes, and oh, the sights - it's an sensical information overload. Is this making any sense to you? I even like the colors. Seaweed green, a light tannish brown, everything just mixes together so perfectly.

I used to take my lunch at Panera. It was like a little mini-heaven on Earth. Unfortunately one fateful day, my cell phone fell out of my pocket and got lodged between my booth seat and a large, well, 'divider'. After many attempts to retrieve my cellular device from the depths with my short stubby arms, I contacted management. For some reason, I believe a large pair of pliers was summoned, and after a minute or two, the gentleman manager presented me with my phone. Slightly embarassed, I thanked them and went on my way. Since then, I haven't gotten the courage back to choose the 'dine in' option. Perhaps some day I will sit somewhere else, as that would solve the problem of me losing my phone. I think I need help.

Can this place get any better? I mean, look at the fricking LOGO. Even that is near perfection. If you were wondering, yes, that's the woman whose voice I hear when I enter the gates of this beautiful foodcropolis. It's like the building is the woman, and she's holding me. She keeps me warm, and looks out for me during my lunch hour. She's holding me close, and I'm a loaf of bread, just sucking at the Panera teat. Yeah - that's me! She's rocking me gently to Panera bliss. And I'm wishing, waiting, wondering...how a food chain can be so great and cater to my tastebuds' every need.

Naturally upon exit of the establishment I get a punch in the face of real worldism. Car horns, insects buzzing, people being people - you know - dumb real-life shit. Technically, my Panera experience isn't over yet though. Whether I choose to eat at back at the office or not - I still have one piece of Panera power still at my fingertips. The receipt. On every receipt is the option to complete a short 5 minute survey describing your 'Panera experience'. Every month, the gods that be pick a lucky survey taker to win $2,000. Whether they actually do or not, I have no idea. But what I do know is that 9 times out of 10 - I complete that online survey. And not only do I complete the survey, but the give this beautiful stomach-saving business high marks. I figure, after completing about 40 of these, they'd finally break down and give me some cash. I haven't received a dime. Maybe they'll pick me after I spend $2,000 there, which is totally within reach, being as I usually spend between $6 & $8 every visit.

In closing, upon investigating my favorite sandwich, The Frontega Chicken Sandwich, I sadly have discovered that it contains 800 calories and 2150 mg of sodium - aka 90% of my daily value. Hmmm. But no - OH NO - I will not let them put a damper on the gloriousness of Panera.

My body may suffer, but my heart and my mind will live on forever...

So to end this post on a high note, I have made a haiku about my favorite menu item at Panera. You're the best, Panera.

Frontega Chicken

Sandwich, how I long for thee

My mouth shouts for you

John Kruk is Hungry

Ladies and Gentlemen, John Kruk is hungry.

I'm watching baseball tonight last night, and witnessed this hilarious clip. It's Steve Phillips' birthday, and Boomer & the gang are nice enough to give him a cake for the event. As the dessert gets passed down, you can sense Kruk salivating like Pavlov's dog to rip into the sugary mess. Note at the 40 second mark, Mr. Kruk just loses his mind, along with his patience, and demands a piece. The tone of his voice almost made me cry I was laughing so hard. If there's anything to be learned from this, it's that if you have small children - please, please don't let them come within 15 feet of John Kruk, as he's likely to devour them.

(A massive thank-you goes to the boys over at 'Awful Announcing', who dug up the clip at my request. They even gave me a little credit in their post here: http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/05/john-kruk-really-wants-that-cake.html)

edit - apparently I can't embed a video from Red Lasso. I'm gonna need some help with this. In the meantime, go to the above link..thanks

Laziness has kicked in

Hello, fellow internet-ites. I've been super lazy lately. I've been back from vacation for a solid month and a half now, and have no motivation to post the other shenanigans from my awesome trip to FL. If you must know the other happenings, post a comment or email me and i'll give you an anecdote or two. Look for a few new posts in the upcoming weeks. For now, I hope 3 months' worth of tunes will suffice. Theres some gems in there.

Miggidy March!
23) Elliot Smith - Miss Misery
22) David Essex - Rock On21) Nonpoint - What a Day
20) Maceo Parker - Shake Everything You Got
19) David Guetta vs The Egg - Love Don't Let Me Go (Walking Away)
18) Tift Merritt - Broken
17) Cold - When Angels Fly Away
16) Finger Eleven - Change the World
15) STP - Wicked Garden
14) Tantric - Down & Out
13) Bon Iver - Skinny Love
12) Theory of a Deadman - No Surprise
11) Glenn Morrison - No Sudden Moves
10) Glenn Morrison - Contact
9) Evans Blue - Dark that Follows
8) Parlour Steps - Hot Romance
7) Theory of a Deadman - Say I'm Sorry
6) Slightly Stoopid - Leaving on a Jet Plane
5) Zox - Goodnight
4) Hoobastank - If Only
3) Crossfade - Cold
2) Deadmau5 - Arguru
1) Atmosphere - Shoulda Known

April Musical Showers
18) Lazee - Rock Away
17) Vein ft. Pitbull - Get Up, Stand Up
16) Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (sorry, had to...)
15) Dropping Daylight - Brace Yourself
14) Sharp & Harkins Band - Freedom (myspace)
13) Truth in Fiction - Brown Sweater (myspace)
12) Mae - Someone elses arms
11) Junkie XL - Booming back at you
10) MGMT - Time to Pretend
9) Tokio Hotel - Ready Set Go (sorry again...)
8) Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Rascal King
7) Sponge - Plowed
6) Reel Big Fish - She has a girlfriend now
5) Saul Williams - List of Demands
4) Headway - The Start
3) Atmosphere - Always coming back home to you
2) Evans Blue - Pin up
1) Lyrics Born - Hott 2 Def

Hey, It's May!
18) Jay Z - I Know
17) Snoop Dogg & Everlast - My Medicine
16) Wolf Parade - Modern World
15) ZZ Top - You got me Under Pressure
14) Faithless - Music Matters
13) Mae - Home
12) Miguel Migs - Make Things Happen
11) Chris Brown - Kiss Kiss (Alan Astor Mix)
10) Yazoo - Situation
9) DJ Lobsterdust - UNK, Avril Lavigne, Tony Basil - Walkin' Out Yo Girlfriend (Mashup)
8) Story of the Year - Apathy is a Deathwish
7) Adam Tensta - My Cool
6) Atmosphere - Can't Break
5) Atmosphere - The Waitress
4) 10 Years - 11:00am(Daydreamer)
3) Atmosphere - Your Glasshouse
2) Story of the Year - The Black Swan
1) Story of the Year - Tell Me (P.A.C.)

(8-1 are MUST dl's, fyi)

Till next time...