The Top 8 ways to hide the fact that you have a boner

Fellas. We've all been there. From an early age, when he just popped in to say hello for no fucking reason (right before you were called on to go do that math problem on the board). To the middle school dance (where you got to dance with Allison, the girl who developed faster than every other girl in school, tits firmly pressed against you). And finally, high school and college, where you fell asleep in class and woke up with one. The erection has been ever-present in our lives. Usually without welcome. In no way does this serve as an official guide to dismissing the pesky beast. Think of it more as . . . better ways to disguise him. Without further ado - The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner.

8) The inner-thigh squeeze: Although uncomfortable, placing so-called boner near the inner thigh and somehow getting it to 'stick' is #8 on the list. I guess it's all about friction? This option runs dangerously close to 'penile fracture' territory, so be sure not to go down too far with him. Penile fracture? That's not good. For ANYBODY.

7) Pinch yourself: A slight pinch'll get the message to your brain that says, "ouch". Basically just start hitting yourself. It'll take your mind off the fact your guy is filled with blood. For further reference watch the 40 Yr. Old Virgin when Andy calls the Viagra place or whatever and the Indian dude tells him ways to get rid of it. "...you take the hot ember, and place it on your wrist..." classic scene.

6) Have sex: Self explanatory. 'There's no better way to hide it, than to get up inside it' I just made that up now. Like it?

5) Don't wear sweatpants: Way to go, dumbass. You're on your own.

4) Think ugly thoughts: Or, if you will, unsexy thoughts. Grandma. A rocking chair. Toothpaste. Gum disease. Rwanda. Coffee tables. Dyslexia. Any of those will usually work. Unless of course one of the above items really get your motor runnin. I hate to throw out another movie reference, but it worked for Austin: Baseball, cold showers. Baseball, cold showers. MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY!

3) Fold your hands neatly in front of you: Not only do you disguise the fact here, but you also look like a distinguished gentleman. But that couldnt be further from the truth, sinner. This option is a good one because you dont have to shift him, mess with him, or the like. Works standing up or sitting down. A win win situation.

2) Sit down (Or continue sitting) It's all about the angles. When sitting down, we get that whole 'jeans boner' thing with shorts/pants/jeans bunching up near the crotchal region anyways. Embrace it! But like I said, it's about the angles. Say you're sitting down, your legs and torso meet at 90 degrees. Boner guy is midway, pointing at 45-50 degrees. Whatever. That's fine, roll with it. It's gonna be hard for anyone else to see. Let me rephrase that. It will be difficult for anyone else to notice it. That's better.

1) The waistband tuck: A proven tactic. Every guy has done this. You know why? Cuz it works. A century old tradition that's stuck around through the ages. Black, white, English, Jew - they've all done it. To perform the act, nonchalantly with one hand direct him up and under the waistband of the current pant you'd be wearing. BAM. Stealth dick. Now walk around care free. If someone asks you about the bulge, just yell 'ITS NOT A TUMAH!'. Shit. 3 movie references in one post. Shame on me.

There you have it. The top 8 ways to hide the fact you have a boner. Hope the list is complete. Obviously if you have any thoughts or ones that I missed, do tell. Now walk it off:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-VYpH_DagnQ

Jakey Jakey about to make a big - Updatey

Come on a ride with me!
So in case you didn't know - I live in Madison now. It sure beats commuting 45 minutes to & from Whitewater. So far, well, it's been interesting. Tuesday through Thursday I'm at Extra Bold Portfolio School as an intern during the day and student during the night. Friday through Monday I'm at The Great Dane Pub & Brewery. Speaking of - hey that job blows! Whenever someone asks me what I do there - I put my head down and mutter the phrase "I'm a bitch". If you were to ask me years ago what I would be doing at age 23, I would not have said, "You know. Working at a bar being a bitch, and going home to mediocre housing". I made $15 last Monday. Seriously. A small fact for you: I've never received a paycheck over $500. True story.
Let's go on to the 'mediocre housing' portion of that quote above. I live in Arbor Hills apartments, conveniently located a little west of Madison right on the beltline. I've lived here approximately 2 weeks, and so far a total of 5 police cruisers and 2 fire trucks have been in front of my building. Story time again! Two nights ago, coming home at 7:00pm, I noticed 3 ghetto ass white kids grilling out in the yard in front of the complex across from mine. Fast forward to 9:30 at night, when I notice blinking red lights plastered on my wall via the window. Sure enough, a large firetruck with scurrying firemen around it outside. Beyond the truck, I noticed black, billowy smoke emitting from the garbage dumpster next to the apartment building. Now this is only a guess, an assumption, a conjecture - but I'm beting those dumb wiggers threw their hot coals in the garbage dumpster, causing a FIERY BLAZE! Arbor Hills Apartment Complex? No - Arbor Hills Retardville Projects.
Alas, with the lack of income as of late, the State St. Challenge will have to be put off until further notice. Hell, I haven't even figured out the apparatus my PC will be sitting on. Wow what a pathetic display of - shit I don't even know. Not only do I not have a desk, but I'm typing this due to the fact I'm stealing internet from some poor sap above me. Thanks wireless USB network thinger from Linksys! Paying 250$/month rent might involve me whoring myself on Fish Hatchery Road...

I suppose I should be putting my 'top tunes of the month' in my blog. Here's last months and this months:
April:
18) Kelis - L'il Star (Linus Loves Remix)
17) Linkin Park - Krwlng (reanimation)
16) Girl Talk - Smash your head
15) Teddybears Stockholm - Punkrocker
14) Beyonce & Jay-Z - Upgrade U
13) DJ Khaled ft ...everyone - We Takin Over
12) Fabolous - Diamonds
11) Felix da Housecat - Rocket Ride
10) Gorillaz - All Alone
9) Hall & Oates - You Make my Dreams come true
8) Baby, Lil Wayne, T-Pain - Know what I'm doin
7) Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
6) NWA - A bitch is a bitch
5) Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks
4) Remy Zero - Prophecy
3) Timbaland - The way I are
2) Teddybears Stockholm & Mad Cobra - Cobrastyle (BEST VIDEO EVER)
1) Pimp C - I'm Free

May:
11) Rush - Far Cry
10) Damien Rice - Cannonball(acoustic)
9) Good Charlotte - The River (Sorry, I had to. I didn't want to though...)
8) Flunk - Blue Monday
7) DJ Tiesto ft JES - Everything
6) Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
5) The Sounds - Painted by Numbers
4) Deathcab For Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan (Blake Jarrel Remix)
3) Ludacris - Slap
2) The Shins - Phantom Limb
1) Anberlin - Godspeed

Also in music news - Coachella was last weekend in sunny (and hot) Indio California. I highly recommend spending an hour or two and browsing some of the videos of the event on youtube. There are tons. And of course, here are 2 from my favorite band (Guy...) known as girl talk:



alternate angle:




Lastly - what's the deal with toe hair? It serves no purpose. Feet are bad enough as it is - is the hair necessary? Would it make me less of a man to trim it? Not that I have, or I'm going to - but just saying. This blog has been a wierd one, sorry. I don't think it's concise at all. Woops. Later.

Oh...Hollywood.

So movies suck nowadays. What's the ratio of good movies to shitty movies? Really think about it. My guesstimate is that 1 out 6 movies will be 'good'. Good as in...somewhat enjoyable. The ratio of great movies in recent times has to be... like 1 in 20. You may be asking, "what is this blog about, Jake?" It's about Hollywood movies and the shitty sequels they continue to produce.
Let's backtrack. A friend of mine, a one Sir Stephen Koontz of whom I graduated with, made the life changing trek to California. He now lives in Los Angeles, where he does whatever he wants I guess. Either way, the following is from a stalkbook note he wrote about the movie industry and its upcoming moviefilm productions:

My Most Anticipated Sequels of 2007:
1. Ocean’s 13
2. Shrek the 3rd
3. Spider-Man 3
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
5. Evan Almighty
6. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
8. Harold & Kumar Go to Amsterdam (might be delayed into 2008)
9. The Golden Age (sequel to Elizabeth)
10. Live Free or Die Hard
11. Rush Hour 3
12. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
13. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
14. National Treasure 2
15. 28 Weeks Later (Sequel to 28 Days Later)
16. How to Lose it All (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)

This next group of sequels I can do without (In no particular order because they all look bad)
Alien V. Predator 2
Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Fahrenheit 9/11 ½
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Untitled Friday the 13th Prequel
Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming or The Dead Speak, either way it’ll be bad.
Are We Done Yet?
White Noise 2: The Light
Bringing Down the House 2
Boogeyman 2
Hostel: Part II
Resident Evil: Extinction
Saw IV
Wrong Turn 2- Can’t be good without Eliza Dushku
Hood v. Evil- sequel to Hoodwinked

2008: My most anticipated sequels
1. The Dark Knight (Next Batman film)
2. Bond 22
3. Angels & Demons (Prequel to The Da Vinci Code)
4. Wolverine (Spin Off of X-Men)
5. Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures
6. Sin City 3: Hell & Back
7. The Brazilian Job
8. Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction
9. Boondock II: All Saints Day (Rumored)
10. Terminator 4
11. The Last Flag Flying –Sequel to The Last Detail (Rumored)
12. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
13. Mrs. Doubtfire (Rumored)
14. Rambo Sequel (IV).
=============================================
Wow. Where do I begin. Lets start at the top of the list.
Oceans 13 - Al Pacino in this one. He's either gonna be really good or completely pointless to the story. Let's hope that dancing english fag doesn't make another appearance. God I hated his yoga tight lycra pants laser dance experience in Ocean's 12. Almost ruined the movie for me.
Spider Man 3 - I'm one of few who doesn't like this series. Loved the cartoon though. But Toby Mcguire - you're still a (ripped) skinny bitch. And I don't think radical plastic surgery could make Kirsten Dunst attractive.
Pirates of the Carribean 4 - Is this series done yet? God I hope so. Kierra Knightley will be the only reason I don't fall asleep in this one.
Evan Almighty - This will be good. Granted, Bruce Almighty doesnt need a sequel. But Steve Carel (40 year old guy who doesnt have sex) playing Ark-building Noah and Morgan Freeman as God again, I don't think they can go wrong.
The Bourne Ultimatum - F. Yes. Next!
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - Needs no explanation. No Bruce Willis appearance in this one, but we still have Jessica Alba and Mickey Rourke as Marv. Rumored to have Antonio Banderas and maybe even Johnny Depp for this one too.
Live Free or Die Hard: Die Hard 4? If you havent seen the INSANE trailer, go find it. Dude flies a fighter jet. That's just ridiculous. Could be great, could be awful. I'm sure it will be all hollywooded-out and I'll hate it.


And on to Stephens aptly titled 'sequels I can do without'. For the most part, he's right on the money. Since I'm a huge Alien/Predator fan, I can't wait for AVP2. Especially since (surprisingly) AVP wasn't a bad movie. How the shit is Mr. Bean still a movie franchise? Are the Brits stupid or retarded? I can't think of a more annoying character. White Noise 2? Hostile 2? Hills have eyes 2? COME ON. People will see these movies. Those people are the ones I wanna punch in the eyes. So they are blinded. So they won't see STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS. And give movie makers ongoing reason to make awful flicks.
Saw IV - I really liked Saw. I enjoyed Saw II. But boy - I haven't been more offended as a movie goer since Saw III. A grotesque disgusting waste of 2 hours. A complete waste of time. A movie that was made just to push visual boundaries (and the stomach's of everyone in the theater) Sad part is I'm sure this movie will make millions. Pure trash. Seriously.

On to 2008's anticipated flicks. If you're still reading, Kudos to you. Speaking of, I don't remember the last time I had a Kudos chocolate bar. Those things are great, but are a tad too small to satisfy my snack hunger. Onward...
The Dark Knight (Batman sequel) - Christian Bale was a great Batman. Batman Begins could have been a terrible movie, but it turned out to kick major ass. Bale was better than Kilmer, Clooney; maybe even Keaton.
The Brazilian Job - Is it just me, or does this sound like an infomercial for some sort of crazy bikini wax that was really popular in Brazil in the late 90's, and now *FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY*, you can get your very own 50 oz bottle of BRAZILIAN JOB BIKINI WAX! By the way - Charlize Theron: Call me.
Jurassic Park IV: The Extinction - Le sigh. Jurassic Park series got progressively worse with every new movie that came out. Let's face it: Jurassic Park 3 was almost laughable. Amen for "The Exctinction" though. Means they can't make any more after this one. Unless of course they do a prequel. F you Hollywood...
Boondock Saints II : I'll be the first (or...thousandth) person to break it down for you - This movie is never coming out. It's been tossed around forever, script has been rewritten a million times over, actors sign on then off. If it does come out, it won't be good. Boondock Saints was a cool movie (for entertainment purposes), but it should just be left alone.
Terminator 4 - Not gonna lie, I know nothing about this. I'm not going to pretend to either. Will Arnie be the machine again? Either way, COME WITH ME IFF YOU VANT TO LIVE.
Mrs Doubtfire - ?!?! I'm there. Please, please please don't make this movie with Robin Williams.

There you have it. In the end of Koontz' post, he went on to say there will be 3 more Star Wars movies as well in the 2020's. One can only hope Jar Jar will be back for those . . .
. . .kidding. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

'Pede meets plunger; Oak takes on chainsaw. . .

Its the season of destruction apparently. I should have posted this kill immediately after creating the previous blog, but I was very tired and ran out of blog energy. If you haven't seen this yet, it's a keeper. No explanation needed really - just watch it.




What did I do for spring break? Glad you asked, reader! I went to tropical Kansasville, WI to watch a 300+ year old oak tree fall. Think about that. This behemoth of a tree stood long before our country was even a country. That's some heavy shit right there folks. Naturally I got all art-faggy with my new digital camera I'm obsessed with. The video and pictures do need a bit of backstory.

I want to say the year was 1994 or 95. We have a ton (50?) trees surrounding the four acres of land we have. One stormy night, a bolt of lightning hit this oak tree, right in the middle. Unfortunately for the native foliage, it met it's demise. Years passed as large limbs fell to the ground. (This lightning strike also made my golden lab 'Sam' permanently afraid of thunderstorms. From that point on - the dog would literally piss himself every time a clap of thunder was heard 23 miles away. Sad really. I digress...) My grandfather, who lives in the house next door to me, was determined to cut down this tree, along with all the other dead ones on our property. Whatever. He knows a lot of people - and these people were gonna cut down the trees and take the wood - for free. Knock yourselves out.

Cue four middle aged men. Aged 45 to 70. The lead...er, chainsawer guy is named Mike. Mike is one determined boozehound. No lie - apparently days before I got home, this guy would would go up in a hydraulic lift 25 feet in the air with a chainsaw and a cooler with 10 beers. And, well...cut down limbs off this tree while suckin down some cold ones. In a matter of 2 to 3 hours. I can't think of a better combination really. Chainsaws and relaxed motor skills.

I won't go into detail of the process it took to take this tree down - it was a 2.5 hour debocle. A tension chain wrapped around a maple 25 feet away creaked & groaned more than the Oak did. It was almost comical.

Final tree trunk dimensions: Circumfrence: 21 feet. Diameter: 6' 1" Size: Frickin' huge.

Pics? Sure why not.

(About 30 feet away. Looks normal. But compare it to the trees next to it. Yeah)

(Really, really far away. I'd say 100 yards.)

(This picture is great. We got 4 guys slammin brewskis deciding how to conquer the beast)

(The tension chain strapped to the maple that I was blabbing about)

(Timber. Yeah...at 8:40 pm. Tough sum'bitch. The guy is holding the ROTTED inside part that was holding the tree up. Nature. It's magical.)

(Hah. My mom is 2 feet smaller than the diameter of the oak.)

I have video of the tree falling but it's kinda weak. That and youtube isnt working now. For future reference, my youtube page is http://www.youtube.com/hayjp20 . Seacrest Out!

The Invasion is upon us. . .

Greetings from Boone Court. You know, Boone has been a great place to live so far. Spacious interior, great party basement, room for 5. But with the good comes the bad. Like...a driveway composed of mud and rainwater that you get stuck in and have to eventually call a tow truck to pull you out of. Or a steep rent price for a drafty house (which makes for 340$ electric/gas bills 3 or 4 months of the year) and water leaking through electrical light fixtures via the kitchen ceiling. But let's face it, this is a college town, and thus, this is a college house. You're not gonna get luxury unless you live in bluff ridge or those other apartments off tratt street that I can't think of right now. Anyways, this house is old. On our circuit breaker downstairs, I believe theres a note written that says, "Installed & Inspected by (name)- 1957". Super. I feel safe.

So, with the seasons changing, so does Boone. A once cozy home in the winter, it now becomes a death trap. A lingering funk hangs in the air (And no, it's not the soiled couches that produce this funk). This is a completely different vibe. A sense of hostility. A sense of fear. The moist air beckons for the beast to come out of its lair. The predator has been incubating many a month, and is now itching to bask in the Wisconsin....darkness? Of course I'm referring to...


...the House Centipede. Think of the movie arachnophobia. But instead of spiders, we have centipedes. Big, small, medium, fat, skinny, ray lewis-like...they squirm in all shapes & sizes. And we have all forms. May God have mercy on the 5 poor women who inherit this house for the 2007-2008 school year. By the time they move in around late August, Jon and I will most likely have killed 100 of these things. And that's not an exagerration. During the Summer of 2006, I recall me and Jon being deadlocked at 48 a piece. I'm also not kidding when I say I'm going to document every single kill I (and Jon, if I'm here) make of these bastards. I'm putting my life to good use people. I started with a an associates in journalism and I'm leaving with a doctorate in centipede removal.

Embedded below this are two videos from a bit before midnight on March 23, 2007. I went to the kitchen to clean off a dish, and above my food cabinet was a nasty 2-incher. Sounds small, but the antannae adds a few pounds. Either way, sorry for the camera problems and the sound; it was the first time I took video with my digital camera (shout out to Mom for the digi). Enjoy, as I'm sure there will be more to come.

The Intro:


and the thrill of victory:


And that's how it's done. With a shoe. Cuz centipedes will crawl out of paper towel, laugh in the general direction of fly swatters, and do the backstroke when doused with water. Next up: High Intensity Raid, and eventually - Brake Fluid.
Please go here to learn about our adversary: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_Centipede

Till then, happy hunting.

"I'll take Potpourri for 600"

I haven't blogged it up in awhile. We have a lot to cover. Join me?

Last weekend was the 3rd annual 'Bar Scavenger Hunt', or as some call it, the scavenger 'drunk'. Despite the lower than normal turnout this year, I believe all who participated had a good time. Highlights included people stretching condoms over their heads, making out with randoms, public urination, and drinking heavily. If you want the list to look it over, you can get it here: http://download.yousendit.com/DCCECA085D96DAF8 . Click the link and right-click save-as on the link that's showed. Thanks to yousendit for the superb file hosting service.


Ever search your name on Google? I did the other day. Usually it's always the same stuff. Lo and behold, this time it wasn't! Apparently theres some new article database which has all my articles I wrote for the Royal Purple. For those of you who don't know, I used to be a print journalism major. Writing for the RP my sophomore year consisted of me turning in my stories late, then watching as the editors butchered and rewrote those stories to the point where you couldn't even tell that I wrote it anymore. And then maybe they'd print it. Check out the stories here: http://www.zoominfo.com/Search/PersonDetail.aspx?PersonID=458583425

Highlights include #4, which was my first beat story ever. I remember my news editor saying, "Jake, I want you to go to the health center and do a story on ways to protect yourself from std's." Cue me: "What?" Editor: "Yeah, they have some sort of dental dams there now, so go do a story on it." And you wonder why I never got into print journalism. Also noteworthy is link #2, an editorial response I wrote to some douchebag freshman kid who said that he wanted tuition raised because 'all Whitewater kids have nice fancy things'. What a tard.

Can you feel it in the air? I sure can. March Madness is upon us. CHYEAH, As if you didn't know! I'm not giving you any sleeper teams or hints, cuz that wouldnt be fair. College basketball during tourney time is the greatest spectacle in sports. I mean that. Go Badgers.

We all love cinematic adventures. I'm seen some good ones lately. First off, The Prestige was a kick ass movie. Who knew a flick about magic could be fun. Secondly, if you haven't seen the Departed, you're a lame-o. Get out from the rock you've been under and go rent/buy it. L'il factoid for ya: The F-bomb is uttered 388 times in it. Yah. Third - have you ever had a high schooler teacher who felt like he/she was 'out of it'? Teaching tactics a little off the wall? Maybe they were on THAT WHITE POWDER. In Half Nelson, a likeable middle school history teacher can't kick his drug habit. Eventually one of his students finds him all messed up in a bathroom stall. Nothing like saying 'Role Model' when you're foaming at the mouth! The foaming at the mouth part never actually happened, but you get the point. Also pretty good were The Illusionist with Ed Norton and Flags of our Fathers with Ryan Phillippe. Apparently 300 is the best movie to come out since...well, since the start of movie history.

Madison is still Madison. I'm there Tuesday - Thursday of every week, for a large portion of the day/night. Not sure when, but I'll be moving there for good quite soon. The other day, my work sent me to the University there to drop off some promo posters and whatnot. I took the shortest route, which just happens to be State St. You've all walked it before - it's fun and has a good vibe no matter what time of day. While walking by myself, I had a spark of something great. Here it is: I'm gonna eat/drink at every place on State St. Every place. We're talking Mediterranean, Nepali, Greek, Mexican...you name it - I'm gonna eat it. I'm going to put my stomach & intestines through hell for about 3 or 4 months. Theres 2 bad things about this. One being money. This is going to cost a pretty penny to complete this mission. Secondly, I don't like coffee, and a good portion of the places are coffee houses. I guess I'll be eating some croissants or muffins there, who knows. I'm calling it the STATE STREET CHALLENGE. And if you want to be a part of it, or if you're in the area, let me know. I don't want to be gorging myself solo.

Upcoming Events: March 17 is the day that everyone is Irish. It falls on a Saturday this year, so it will be odd not seeing students passing out in their desks for the dumb teachers that require attendance, or watching kids puke off the roof of their house...etc. The Boone Ct. Boys will be hitting up Whitewater's own THE PUB at the asscrack of dawn. Scratch that - BEFORE the asscrack of dawn. I'll never forget how bad I had to piss waiting in line to get in last year. It was excruciating. And I watched countless people take a leak in the nearby alley. I swear by the time I'd have had my zipper down - I'd be in cuffs.
March 23 marks comedian Zak Galifiniakis making a stop at the Barrymore theater in Madison. I originally was going to watch the one man mashup show GIRL TALK spin live at The Stonefly Brewery in Milwaukee, but thats not going to happen. SHAZAM - Girl Talk is playing Union South in Madison on Saturday March 24th. God loves me.

Finally, here is a short video of some guy skeet shooting with RPG's and SUV's. You read right. Wait till the end, because its definitely worth it.



Thanks for reading. I changed the settings to allow ANONYMOUS COMMENTS, so, by george, leave one. But don't be anonymous, cuz that's boring.

Post Oscar thoughts, weekend fun, and random thoughts...

The Academy Awards were last Sunday night. Unfortunately for me, I slept through half of it. A much needed nap was in order from the debauchery from the wedding weekend. More on that later. Anyways as I was watching the show, which, I thought was VERY entertaining, I decided to jot down a few notes and thoughts at what I was viewing. Here we go...

• Penelope Cruz could tell me to go Fuck Off and it would still be the most beautiful sounding thing in the entire world. I would listen to that woman learn to speak German. Truth.

• How cool was Jerry Seinfeld's movie theater bit? "We have an agreement. You rip me off by making me spend money on things I don't need. Then, after the movie, whatever I have in my hand - I let go of..." Or something of the sort. Desperately trying to find a video of it online. So far no dice.

• What the heck is Pan's Labyrinth? Some crazy Mexican director makes an adult horror fairy tale and wins some Oscars for it? I don't do drugs, but something tells me that I'm gonna want to before I see this movie.

• How awkward was it on stage when Clint Eastwood read the translations of (Italian, I think?) movie scorer Ennio Morricone? Clint seemed as if he had one too many drinks and blamed his inability to read a teleprompter to him 'forgetting his glasses'. It's ok Clint - you're getting old. Don't blame it on the lack of bifocals.

• Jack Nicholson is bald. Righteous.

• Toby McGuire - you're a skinny bitch. Kirsten Dunst - you're still not hot.

• That movie silhouette thing was really cool. I want to date a contortionist. And it's exactly the reason you'd think that I would want to date a contortionist for.

• Why is Chris Connely a respected journalist? What has he done? He narrates MTV's True Life. He has guest spots on ESPN sometimes. How the heck did he get where he is today? I might have to wiki that one later.

• Ok. So the category for 'best original song' contained 3 tunes from Dreamgirls. Beyonce and the 2 other hussies performed RIGHT before they read the winner. Dreamgirls had 3 out of the 5 songs nominated for the category. Who ends up winnin? Activist Mel Etheridge for a song in Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Funny.

• Those 'in memory of' tributes always get me. They flash pics and scenes of people in the film industry who passed recently. Just wanted to point out that the dad in 'A Christmas Story' died. They showed the scene where he's so proud of his Leg Lamp. I was sad.

• Phillip Seymour Hoffman looked like a hobo. Did you see his hair? I would fire my publicist...or whoever was in charge of my general look that night. His hair was the best joke of the night.

• Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Martin Scorcese on stage at the same time was cool.

• Ben Affleck: No one likes you. Who invited you to the Oscars?

• Ellen Degeneres is funny. I apologize for not liking you a couple years ago. I like you now.

K thats that. Saturday the 24th was the Nisler/Neevel wedding. Holy fun. It was nice to go to a wedding where people actually DANCED. I don't remember the last one I went to where almost 75% of the people in attendance got up & cut a rug. That was great to see. By the grace of God everyone got back to the hotel ok that nite. When you're up north in Wisconsin and theres foot high snow drifts. . .it's a bit scary.

How about some random thoughts of the past week? Sure! First thing's first - theres no way P Diddy uses Pro-Active. I'm gonna coin the phrase "Blackne" for african americans who suffer from acne. Use it...pass it on. But back to puffy. I can't see the man waking up in the morning and splashing a little Pro-Active Solution on his cheeks. The man is a millionaire. Did he really need to do the commercials? I'm interested in how much he got paid. All I know is that when his daughter becomes a teenager, she'll have a lifetime supply waiting for her. Too bad Puffy won't remember which closet he put it in.

Speaking of teenagers, how long will the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be teenagers? They were in the teens when I was but a wee lad. Shouldn't they be twentysomething mutant ninja turtles by now? The anagram can still work: TMNT. See? I'd like to see office dwelling business setting turtles by day, crime fighters by night. I think thats doable. Shredder would be at an accounting firm. That's why he's so angry all the time.

Lastly, a food service story from Friday the 23rd. I'm working the lunch shift at the Randall, and am taking a table's order. A woman in her 30's looks up and asks me, "Does your Caesar dressing contain anchovies?" Let me tell you that I have no idea what the answer is. I thought the question was ridiculous, and simply said, "No. I don't believe so,"and thought nothing of it. I have our Caesar salad all the time actually. It's magnificent with blackened chicken on top of it. 10 minutes go by, and I get buzzed for the order. Grabbed the woman's caesar salad along with her 3 other business partner's dishes. As I go to the pickup window, I nonchalantly ask our cook, "Our caesar dressing doesn't contain anchovies, does it?" He looked at me, and laughed. "Jake", he started, "all Caesar dressings contain anchovies." Naturally I started laughing cuz I thought he was messing with me. "Seriously. It does." I was dumbfounded, really. I go back out to the dining room and inform the lady that, in fact, our caesar dressing DOES contain anchovies. "Oh", she goes, "thats gonna be a problem. I'm highly allergic to shellfish, so that's not gonna work." And that's the climactic ending to that anecdote. Caesar dressing contains anchovies. I've never had an anchovie, or his cousin, the Sardine. But, next time you have a caesar salad, and you get that hint of saltiness - that'd be the anchovie. Great in dressings, probably bad by itself. You learn something new every day folks.

Stay tuned for a 'What happened to the surviving members of TLC' blog in the future.

What's the deal with Tupperware?

Yeah, what's the deal with Tupperware anyways? And why is it called so? Do you think the developer of this plastic contraption was named Sally Tupperware? To find out the magic of Tupperware, I headed to the most reliable source out there. The most credible of all resources on the intraweb. All-knowing trustworthy WIKIPEDIA:

"Tupperware was developed in 1945 by Earl Tupper (1907-1983) in the USA and comprised plastic containers used in households to contain food and keep it airtight. The formerly patented "burping seal" is a famous aspect of Tupperware, which distinguished it from competitors."

Interesting. Of course a man invented Tupperware. His woman was too busy cookin & cleanin. ZING! He died in 1983, which is also the year that I, and many of you reading this, was born. More from the Wiki article:

"Tupperware was known, at a time when women came back from working during World War II only to be told to "go back to the kitchen", as a method of empowering women, and giving them a toehold in the post-war business world. The tradition of Tupperware's "Jubilee" style events continues to this day, with rallies being held in major cities to recognise and reward top-selling demonstrators, managers and distributorships.
In 1958, Earl Tupper fired Brownie Wise over general difference of opinion in the Tupperware business operation. It is believed that Tupper objected to the expenses incurred by the jubilee (and other similar) celebrations of Tupperware."

The Tradition of Jubilee style events continues to this day? Oh man. I bet the amount of overweight women at these 'top-seller' conventions would make the tectonic plate the event falls on shift drastically. The smell of newly manufactured plastic bullshit must resonate from the convention center's walls for weeks. If your mom, or a mom you know has won some sort of tupperware award, stab yourself with a rusty butter knife. Being an Avon or Mary Kay lady is SO much cooler. And I mean that wholeheartedly. Earl was right to fire "Brownie Wise" for the disagreements in operations. I'd get sick of speaking to a bunch of hyped up people who think they run the sales world. Go back to school, ya food-container selling hippie. Makes you wonder what the 'trophy' would look like if they give one out. Also, how annoying is it that you can NEVER find the right top to whatever container you have out at the time? It never fails. First, God said,"Let there be man". And there was man. Then God said, "And let man continually struggle to match Tupperware items." And it was so. I'm sick of Tupperware. That pic up there is actually our 'tupperware' cabinet at boone court. I know, it's ridiculous in every aspect. I guess we're all ok with it. So next time you toast something, give Earl Tupper a shout-out. Cuz why not, the man probably has spoken to more ugly women than we would have in 4 lifetimes.

BROADS + TOILETS = NEGATIVITY TO THE EXTREME

Listen. The toilet is not your friend.

I'm not sure what started this phenomenon. What dumb bitch decided, "Hey. A picture of me urinating on the porcelain queen while intoxicated would be funny. Tee hee hoo hee". NO. It's disgusting. In every way conceivable. It's not funny at all, and you will NEVER look remotely attractive. Yes, the bunched-up jeans hanging around your knees looks reeeeeaaal good. Your toothpick sized arm stretching for the toilet paper brings out your eyes quite nicely. The half-retarded shit-eating grin on your face let's us know much joy you're experiencing. NO. And what goes through the photographer's head? "Hey lets try a shot of your panties around your ankles..." What the shit is wrong with you broads? I know a good 93% of you tinklers are drunk at the time, but is there something absolutely necessary about documenting your bodily functions at the end of the nite? As if you're gonna recap it looking at the pics from last nite. "Oh yeah - remember when you busted in on me last nite while I was pissin? Haha thats great - put it up on facebook so EVERYONE can see it!" NO.

The only thing I can do when I unknowingly stumble upon a pic of that nature is go, "Well that's not good". Thats not good at all. For anyone. What if your dad saw that? Incoming phone call to your pink razr, hussie!

In conclusion, ladies - just stop it. Some guys (myself included) don't even like to think that girls even go IN that room, other than to shower of course. Call me immature...whatever. Yeah I know everyones gotta do their business...that's fine. But when you go taking pics of it, its almost a violation of my civl rights as an American citizen. Ok maybe not, but it damn well should be. This has been pretty much an incoherent rant, so if it reads like I have A.D.D., accept this half hearted apology. Cameras are meant for taking pics of friends, animals, and landscapes. Not for dumb crap like this:

If I were President.

I don't like to talk about politics. The reasons being A) It bores me, B) I know very little about the topic, and C) It starts a lot of pointless bickering and fighting. America is great and all, but we have our problems. I'm not a fan of Bush, but I'm not going to bash him here. But what I am going to do is tell you who I would have as my cabinet members if I were president. Below are some giant pictures of who our current president has elected as his cabinet members:
(or go to: http://www.whitehouse.gov/government/cabinet.html)

And here's my (better) list:


Department of Agriculture: Kevin Costner - The man defied the odds and mowed down a large portion of a cornfield. AND THEN THE WHITE SOX PLAYED BASEBALL ON IT. Americanfarmers struggle to make ends meet enough as it is. I figure as long as the crop continues struggling, let the head of the household take in a few games at the ol ballpark. Er...cornfield.

Department of Commerce: A bum found near Marquette's campus - Screw Bill Gates. Or anyone else that knows how to invest and not spend his/her life earnings on alcohol. I figure a bum would know EXACTLY how to piss away a countries currency. Therefore, whatever he would advise me to spend my money on, is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I would end up doing.

Department of Defense: Chuck Norris - I believe this is self explanatory?

Department of Education: Prof. Carol Rosen - Class is in session! If you haven't had the opportunity to take a geography class with Whitewater's finest, I suggest you get your ass down here, grab a seat, and take it all in. It's a woman like this who could lay down the hammer when it comes to edumacation. Amen.

Department of Energy: Captain Planet - Who knows more about conserving energy and saving God's green Earth than Captain Planet himself? Sorry Planeteers, you can't come on this ride. Play with your rings somewhere else.

Department of Health & Human Services: Sue & Jennifer Bartolotta - Leave it to the Italians to find a way to make America healthier. Bountiful upon bountiful pan of lasagna means that the homeless can finally have a meal. I don't know what the human services part means, but what I do know is that Jenny has been great at 'servicing' me in the past.

Department of Homeland Security: Mark Hammil - If Luke Skywalker can take down an Imperial Walker, or fly his X-wing through tight quarters to fire at some core reactor, then I'll trust him with protecting our homeland. Plus he has Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda (who, if you didn't know, is a mutated Boston Terrier) constantly floating through his mind giving him pointers. That's a positive in my book.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: (Tie) Jon Kusch and Ty Pennington - Ty Pennington is a crazy son of a bitch. My mom was watching Extreme Home Makeover once and I got so mad at his perkiness and the pitch of his voice that I finally yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHAT TYPE OF MESSED UP A.D.D. DOES HE HAVE?!" My mom went on to tell me that he actually does have ADD, and that he never finished high school cuz he couldn't sit still, and that his personality on the show was actually how he acted...bla bla bla. Either way, he's a good carpenter or whatnot. And Jon Kusch has a love for skyscrapers. I just made his dream come true. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. No more sim city for this guy.

Department of the Interior: Alf - I dont know what the head of the department of the interior does. Frankly I don't care. I bet Alf would be a great edition to the team though. I mean, after all, who doesn't want a pet 'cat' roaming around the office?

Department of Justice: (the ghost of) Robert Stack - No one better to scare the shit out of someone trying to mess with the hand of Justice than Unsolved Mysteries' own Robert Stack. This show really scared me when I was younger. There was a 2 week span where I couldn't watch it because one of the stories almost made me wet myself. Naturally, I turned the channel to Rescue 911, which scared me equally. Since Rescue 911 didn't have a host (did it?), and Chuck Norris is already represented, I gotta go with Bobby Stack. Everywhere the ghost of Robert Stack goes, so does the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. My cabinet is the real deal people.

Department of Labor: Kathie Lee Gifford - Talk about being wrongfully accused! Critics say she's profiting from sweatshop labor done by small children in the orient. WRONG! She's profiting from poor 20 & 30 something men and women in the Dominican Republic and Haiti! Get your facts straight before you point the finger people! (Note - anyone see who Bush appointed to be his Fair Labor Enforcer? Elaine Chao. Sounds like an oriental sounding name. I dunno, I just find that chuckle-worthy.

Department of State: Forrest Whitaker - He's a good actor. His eye is kinda messed up, but not to the extent of Stuart Scott. Condy Rice just ain't doin the job. Forrest will do the trick.

Department of Transportation: Takeo Fukui - Sure nobody knows who he is. Let me tell you. Takeo is the President and Representive Director of Honda Worldwide. Say goodbye to gasoline alltogether. I'm sure Mr. Fukui has a plan to have all cars run on rice, dogs, or polyurethane. One of those three. Definitely.

Department of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck - He dives through what seems like an endless supply of gold coins in a massive vault. What more qualifications do you need?

Department of Veterans Affairs: R. Lee Ermey -

Again...does this need explanation?

There you have it. My cabinet. Jake Hay for president 2016. Someone wipe my record clean.

The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal - Entry #3

Entry #3 - "It's not a Journal, it's Digiorno"
12-31-05

This is (was) 2005. I still can't believe people tolerate shitty frozen food. Next time you're eating a frozen food product, really ASK yourself, "Is this a ham & cheese breakfast sandwhich enclosed in a flaky crust?" Moments later, you'll realize what you're eating tastes like 13 day old meatloaf mixed with freshly picked garbanzo and kidney beans. Oh - and its still frozen in the middle. Don't you think we're at the point where we don't consume "chicken tenders" that taste like luke-warm redwood bark? Finally, my new years resolution is to make sure all TV Dinner Makin mofos New Years Resolutions are to "Not make and/or distribute crappy frozen foods".

The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal - Entry #2

Entry #2: "Vermont & New Hampshire"

12-29-05

Do we even care what happens in these states? Honestly. These 2 regions should just join together. The following is a list of suggested names for the upcoming merger: Vershire, New Mont, Mont Hamp, Shampoo, Old Vertmon, New Schmelmont, Hampver, and finally, Dopplestonmontire. Think. When word got out about the states joining forces, our economy would get a guaranteed boost. Why? Because people don't even know that Vermont & New Hampshire exist right NOW. Citizens may believe we acquired land from Canada. That would not be a good thing.

The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal - An explanation, and Entry #1

Back with the original Boone Court Boys, I decided to 'write in a journal' as my new years resolution for 2006. I found this small gray 6"x4" 'assignment book' to write a few random thoughts in. I titled this book The Black Liquid Mistakes Journal. This didn't really catch on with me, as I only wrote in it 3 times in late 2005, and used it once again to write down 'The Cincinnati Affair' in July 2006. Either way, I found this notebook in one of the many drawers in my room, and for your pleasure, will post all four entries, successively, in their entirety (with short explanations, if needed). Without further ado...

Entry #1: "Shaving"

12-29-05

When Adam Nisler shaves - his face becomes a bloody, porous mess. I believe that if a scientist put his chin under a microscope - it would resemble a horror movie set. Magnified, his cheeks would strangely look like stalagmites or stalagtites (whichever ones hang down from the ceiling).

If you're going to learn any lesson from story, it's that if you regularly practice Tae-Kwon-Do - your skin is goin to be more sensitive than a small boy's asshole after Priest Penetratio is finished with him. I would love to see Mr. Nisler was the corners of his mouth. That would be a special occasion.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are Obsessed with California

Whether you like them or not, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have been one of the most influential rock bands of the last 20 years. They've transgressed genres of punk, funk, metal, and dare I say - hip-hop. Sure, some of their songs make no sense. Sure, the radio overplays most of their new singles. Sure, most people have no idea what Anthony Keidis' tattoos mean, or what exactly Flea did to get a role in The Big Lebowski. But here's one thing I do know about the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are Obsessed with California

Let's go on a lyrical adventure, shall we?

From "Californication":
...And if you want these kind of dreams/It's Californication
...First born unicorn/Hard core soft porn/Dream of Californication/Dream of Californication

You get the idea. The made up word "Californication" surfaces a total of 11 times in that song. Let's continue.

From "Around the World":
...I try not to whine/But, I must warn ya/bout the girls from California

From "Dani California":
Chorus: California rest in peace/Simultaneous release/California show your teeth/She's my priestess, I'm your priest/Yeah, yeah

Come ON. California is in the fricking title. Dani California is probably some two timin hooker that one of the band members hooked up with and now has a raging case of herpegonhasyphillaids.

From "Parallel Universe":
Chorus: Christ I’m a sidewinder/ I’m a California King /I swear it’s everywhere /It’s everything

Apparently they're from California. I did my research. I love Wisconsin & all, but if I had a band, I probably wouldnt sing about our Dairy state in every song. (Well....) The sad thing is, I bet theres more RHCP that have some reference to Cali in it. Even after hearing all these west-coast Cali homage anthems, I still have very little desire to even step foot in the state. Its chillin on a fault, so one day it's just going to break off and float into the Pacific. I'm guessing theres a Utah-sized hole in the ozone layer above Los Angeles that stretches into Southern San Diego. Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor. Let me repeat that - Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor. San Francisco is the gay mecca of America. Every year, some crazyass brush fire extends into Arizona or some other state and wipes out an endagered fern that was supposed to cure cancer. You know where that crazyass brush fire started? California.

Take a look at WI has compared to what CA has:

Wisconsin has: Beer, Cheese, Milwaukee, Madison, Stoughton, Beer, Bo Ryan, Drumlins, Eskers,
Beer, Friday Fish Fry, 'Bratwurst', Badger Football, Basketball, and Hockey,
Seasons, Harley Davidson Co, Culvers, and Beer.

California has: Unstable tectonic plates, no ozone layer, a mountain of gays, and brush fires that
kill plantlife that could cure humans of cancer.

Rock on Red Hot Chili Peppers!

Bill Belichick is homeless

It's true.

In my opinion, as an NFL coach, your duty is to present yourself so. Bill Belichick looks like he spent 83 consecutive days in the gutter on a street corner somewhere in metro New Jersey. He looks disgusting. What kind of coach wears a raggedy 3/4 cut sleeve hooded sweatshirt to sport on the sidelines? Bill Belichick. I have a strong feeling that if you met the head Patriot face to face, he would smell like cheap Mr. Boston rum and Parliament cigarettes. Why Pars' - cuz they're cheap. Cheap like Bill Belichick. I'd go as far to say that he doesnt even own a suit. Even if he did... where would he put it? He's fuckin homeless, remember.

(Above) Members of the media wondering who the beggar by the microphone is.

Bill Belichick's sideline attire was the inspiration behind Mugatu's 'DERELICTE' clothing line in the recent movie ZOOLANDER. It's true - google that shit.

I'd really like to know how he thinks he can pull this off. Most NFL coaches wear the Team Nylon Jacket, the Huge puffy winter coat, or when its warm - usually the team polo. I don't even think Bill knows what the word 'polo' means. There's no excuse for not looking somewhat decent on the sidelines. I know it doesn't matter in the long run, cuz I'm sure the guy is a good coach. But, given his salary you'd think he'd be able to afford a few overcoats. According to reporter Eric McHugh of The Patriot Ledger:

"Maybe he wants more money. Last month, Forbes pegged Belichick’s average annual salary over his seven years with the Patriots at $2.8 million. According to the magazine’s calculations, that would put him below the $3 million-$4 million range of Tony Dungy, John Fox, Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Parcells and Coughlin."

(Right) A still-hammered Belichick wanders to the next waterboy to ask for spare change.

MORE MONEY? You kidding me? All previously mentioned coaches at least look respectable on the sidelines. To the Pat's front office - I say HOLD OUT! Don't give him an extra dime till he starts looking like a dignified human being. Unfortunately for me, team owners pay coaches based on wins. And the Patriots have just beat the Chargers in San Diego.

You gotta wonder what HE thinks of his appearance. I'm guessing no one has ever brought this up to him face-to-face. And if someone did - he would probably respond with 'Who cares. I'm the coach'. Or 'They pay me to coach, not to dress nice.' Or the more likely response of 'Hey asshole, got a light?' Touche Bill, touche.

If you think I'm being too hard on Bill...go ahead and tell me. I can't think of another prime coach in ANY high status league that looks like a slob. Sure Andy Reid is fat - but at least he covers it up by wearing the team jacket. The NBA is currently in shambles, yet the coaches still look decent. I'd go as far as saying that Bill Belichick looks worse than the thug NBA gangsters did sporting their do-rags and chains before David Stern layed the hammer down.

I hate the Patriots. I hate Bill Belichick. And I'm not a fan of the homeless.

(Above) The Duke of disgusting takes a shower. (The most recent

one, documented February 7, 2005)

Communication Department Copes with Staff Departures

The communication department at UW-Whitewater is missing some familiar faces entering the 2006-2007 academic year. Professors Bill Cassidy, Leo Chan, and Gay Davidson-Zielske all left to pursue careers elsewhere. Department chair Bill Weiss and his wife, Dotte (the communication computer aide) retired last year. The year before, lecturer Norma Coates departed as well. Rae Miller also left as Royal Purple adviser a couple years before that.
"It's unfortunate that we can't hang on to them," newly appointed assistant chair John Luecke stated. "Better opportunities, along with lighter teaching loads, are compelling professors to go elsewhere. UW-Whitewater pushes eight to ten clasases on professors per year, depending on how long they've taught. Along with teaching, professors also must advise students on their academic progress, which can be a tedious process. Other colleges often provide more advancement chances as well.
"I wanted a place where I could teach fewer classes, but faculty research requirements are more stringent and research is considered more important," print journalism professor Cassidy said. "Faculty research, in my opinion, isn't emphasized very much at UW-W. That's not a knock on the school, it's just that some universities are more teaching oriented and others are more research oriented," said Cassidy. Cassidy tested the market and found a spot at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, IL.
The pay scale at UWW is actually quite competitive with other colleges. While some students and other uninformed people believe that it is a low salary that is driving professors away, but that's not the case.
"We're going to keep doing what we always do. There is always a demand for teachers. We'll always have the right tools to teach you guys," said John Luecke.

The little red schoolhouse - more than just little...and red.

Built on top of a drumlin, the little red schoolhouse is one of the more historical points within UW-Whitewater's campus. The building, measuring 30 x 20 feet, sports a weathered red paint job and is designed to honor pioneer life. According to the virtual campus website, no official records exist as to when the school was built. Alas, student records date the building back to the 1870's.
The little red schoolhouse originally existed in the Menominee Falls / Brown Deer area on the corner of W. Bradley and N. Granville Roads.



















Once UW-W professor and historian Walker D. Wyman made it possible for the Red Schoolhouse to stand where it is today. In a book titled "A History of Wisconsin State University Whitewater" by Janette Bohi, the little red is actually mentioned. The book, published in 1967, discussed the future plans for UW-W.

"Proponents of a 20,000 seat stadium have settled for a more modest goal, indicative of the enrollment slowdown as the century draws to a close. Amidst all these destinies and dreams stands the Red Schoolhouse, brought to campus in 1966 by the institution's second historian president". (Bohi, 237)

With Halloween just a day away, the rumors of someone who hung themselves in the schoolhouse resurfaces. "It's not true", said building maintance caretaker Steve Barnes. "Not quite sure how that one started."

The little red schoolhouse, along with the log cabin, continue to sit behind the University Center, which is currently being redone. They will continue to be historical icons on an ever-expanding campus.

Profile Story: Deanne Thorsen

In most cases, secretarial work tends to be mundane. For Deanne Thornsen, head secretary for the UW-W police department, it's emphatically the opposite.
"I like my job because it's never boring," said Thorsen. What used to be a one-person job has now expanded to three. Deanne has a full-time assistant secretary, along with student workers who come in between 7:45a.m. and 4:00p.m. to answer phones and fill out reports. When asked what her job duties are, Deanne said, "What don't I do?"
She deals with the public on a daily basis, as police departments and other people request police records. She's also in charge of keeping the seven computers operating and up-to-date on the first floor of Goodhue hall, where the police department is located. She's also in charge of payroll and deposits for all sectors of the police force as well. Along with police staff payroll, she also manages all student workers and 'safewalkers' - a student-run walk-along service on campus. There are currently 15 safewalkers, who patrol from 6:00p.m. to 2:00a.m. "Safewalk doesnt get used much, but I do believe it makes campus a bit safer than it would be without them," Thornsen said. In addition to endless clerical work, she also attends court proceedings in Walworth county once a month.
Thornsen has a long history in secretarial police work. "I started my law enforcement career as a dispatcher at the Tomah police department," she says. "I didn't care for the hours of law enforcement, which are nights and weekends, so I went to work in the records office at Jackson Correctional Institution." After her stint at Jackson, she took a pay cut and worked as a program assistant at the State Patrol Academy. "It was closer to home, and I wanted to get out of the prison setting," Thornsen says. Her husband, Oran Thornsen, then got a job in the Janesville ara, and Deanne interviewed for and won the head secretary position.
Communication is key to her position. "A good relationship with fellow employees is always important," she says. "I have contact with the officers and management staff and must work closely with both. It would be hard to do my job effectively without a good relationship with all of them," Thornsen said. The student workers are also very important to her, as she can't stay productive without them. "I have to answer phones and monitor the check-in counter when they're not in," she says. "I don't get much done." She also said that the student workers do a lot of time-consuming jobs, such as filing mail and magazines and filling out accident reports, which she greatly appreciates.
Deanne is just now finding time for hobbies. "For the first time in 20 years, my husband and I are alone in the house. It's kind of nice!" Deanne says with a smile. Her two kids, Becky and Tom, are both away at different colleges. She loves to swim in the summertime, and in her spare time she enjoys reading. The Thornsen family also has a vacation home in Northern Wisconsin, which they travel to frequently during the summer months.

9/11 and Wisconsin: 5 Years Later

Five years after the 9/11 attacks, the scene at ground zero in New York City remains the same: empty. New Yorkers aren't the only ones who are discontent about the lack of an existing memorial. While politics, players, and money have slowed down the process of erecting a visible monument there, Wisconsin locations have remembered and shown their own support of memorializing fallen heroes.
"9/11: We Will Never Forget" signs have been strewn across various front lawns here in Whitewater, Wisconsin. Dennis L. Kachel, landlord of approximately 70% of student housing in the area was responsible for the recent showing of patriotism. No representatives were available for comment.
Whitewater is not the only city to show rememberence of the tragedy that struck five years ago. In June 2005, Green Bay replaced its "Packer Receiver" statue by the public museum with mini replica twin towers. Two large gleaming steal towers stand tall and can be seen from most Green Bay places. Names of victims are etched into the base and a chunk of a World Trade Center girder is mounted on the front.
Other ceremonies were held across the state on the morning of September 11th. Many church bell towers rang at 10:03am; the time that the first plane careened into the towers in New York. Governor Doyle spoke in Madison as well.