Tepid Epics

I will not let this blog die.

2010-08-21T10:14:00.002-05:00

I haven't written for Tepid Epics in a long time. Hopefully this can change soon. I will not let this blog die.

This blog ain't got time to bleed.

Event # ?? Kansas City, Round Deux

2009-09-28T17:43:00.004-05:00

Actually wrote for this trip. When local sales rep guys heard of us coming to the Red White & Booms fest in July, they scheduled a few events for us in parts of Kansas City (MO and KS) from Aug 20 - 25. A day off on the 26th, followed by this crazy 'finale' I've been talking about during the past few posts. But on to the event at hand - Kansas City. Round two. Let's dive in to what was written...

Thurs Aug 20
Oh man. Up at 6am. On the road by 6:30. Raining of course. We've done this trip before, and it's boring this time too. But - we don't have the trailer hitched with us, as it's currently chillin in Boone, Iowa of all places. I was at the Packer game last Saturday when the crew visited the Iowa state fair. Since we had to pass through Iowa on our way to KC, they decided to just leave the machine sitting in the parking lot for a few days. Nice. Also - insanely enough - Katie thinks its a good idea to stop for lunch - AT A PIZZA HUT. Seriously. Because of the 'salad bar'. As if eating the pizza hut lunch buffet qualifies it as healthy because of the salad bar. Come on. Funniest part was on the way out, when a worker gave me a punch card for future lunch buffet visits. Not really thinking, I reply, "Thanks, but we probably won't be coming back ." And I turned and left. I didn't mean anything by it. I wanted to convey that we wouldn't return because we aren't from the area, not because the food was bad (which it was). Katie, upon hearing me say this, busts out laughin, and turns around to the Pizza Hut guys & exclaims "Cuz we live in Wisconsin! That's why we won't be back. That's the only reason!" It was hilarious. Maybe you'd have to be there?
We arrived at our hotel at 5:30pm. We had a dinner reservation at a place called Hereford House. A local, popular steak joint. The 2 salesman joined us, and 1 brought his wife as well. Awkward at first, but eventually we got to telling drunk stories and everyone was laughing as if we knew each other for years. We even had our own tiny room with doors. After our dinner, we decided to go out in Liberty, where our hotel was. "Out" in Liberty means...wander aimlessly around the town square in search for bars that don't exist. We walked up to a swanky looking place around 10, where it was last call. WTF. We continued to stroll in various directions, until a car pulled up next to us. "You guys looking for a bar"? the moustached gentleman asked. We nodded, and he continued, "Well theres a bar 2 blocks up this street, but it's a real dive." We all agreed that divey was fine, to which he ends the conversation by saying, "Oh it's the dive bars of dive bars. You'll love it". Off he went. We approached a small white building that had a plastic lit up sign that literally said "Corner Bar/Missouri Lottery/Mexican Food". We walked into this converted shit-house to shit-bar to witness Missouri's toothless wonders karaoking. I calmly, carefully (as to not upset the animals in their habitat) walked to the bar, and ordered 3 whiskey sours and a Miller Lite. $11. Awesome. What happened for the next 30 minutes was pure, hilarious people watching. Pretty sure locals were doing cocaine deals by the back entrance. Pretty sure a 60 year old woman (i think) sang a dolly parton song. Pretty sure I was not the only one with a mullet in that place. I'm very sure I was the only one wearing a polo in that place.

Fri. Aug 21
At a nearby HyVee grocery store for some early morning bullshit. Darryl, the manager was the shit. He reminded me of the UPS guy from MadTV, but obviously not as high strung. Saw a praying mantis with a broken leg. I've never seen a praying mantis before, so i took pics. Which...I later accidentally deleted cuz I'm dumb. Anyways, lame-ass early event. People don't want free pizza in the late morning hours, or even during morning at all. 8ish - noon, and nothing worthwhile happened (besides the praying mantis of course. those things are AWESOME). Went onward to yet another HyVee immediately after. Two important things happened at this event.
#1 - we had the health inspector from Hell. We'll call her "Deb". When we sample our pizzas - 99% of the time we will not have to go through any health inspection code. We're usually only there for a couple hours, and the hassle of having to search our rig isn't very necessary. "Deb" thought otherwise. Our freezer wasn't up to her standards. She made us by dry ice. Our sinks weren't full of sanitizer, rinse water, and bleach water. Probably because we already washed everything that needed to be YESTERDAY. She made us fill our sinks. Finally, and even I could not believe this - she told us our generator was 'too loud'. Our generator, for which we run all of our power through - was too loud. WE'RE FUCKING OUTDOORS, YA DYKE. We sat around and watched her waddle with her important clipboard & pencils, probably jotting down tricks to teach her 38 cats when she got home. Simply put - she was a thorn in our sides for a good half hour. Completely pointless.
#2 - We had a radio station promoting us on-air during this event. The DJ was "Dave". We never really saw Dave during the event. Which is somewhat weird, as most dj's will usually come out and talk to us, shoot the shit, make sure our product descriptions are up to date, stuff like that. At the end of the event, we finally realized why. As we started cleaning up - so did he. Minutes later, Dave comes out of his dj van with a mixer. Dude was drinking vodka mixers in his dj van. We laughed, as it made total sense now why this guy was such a character (his clothes were hilariously 80's/90's and very mismatched). Cool guy tho nonetheless.
We were done at 6:30, drove home and changed. It was time for our favorite - Blanc Burgers & Bottles. Westport is an awesome part of KC. And Friday night was no exception. The bars even LOOKED like they'd be fun. Amazingly enough, we had the same server as we did when we were here 2 months ago. "Brian" - had had a god damn business card that he gave to us. To backtrack - I looked absolutely ridiculous. I super styled my mullet in the hotel bathroom a la the hairdryer. It was sick. Either way - my Boulevard Two Jokers Wit and Inside-Out burger , truffle fries, and everything else was perfect, as usual. Seriously, if I'm ever within 150 miles of this place, I will stop. After Blanc, we headed to the Power & Light district. We (I) decided on the Flying Saucer Draught Emporium. It had frisbee discs on the ceiling, and with 100 taps on the wall! I had a Great Divide Oak Aged Double Chocolate Yeti Imperial Stout. It was very alcoholic tasting in nature and I liked it until I read the bottle description. They added cayenne pepper to it - therefore I started to dislike it. I am drunk at this point. We headed 1 block to the monstrosity that is the actual Power & Light district. Took a seat at the Maker's Mark lounge. People watching here is incredible. The women, my god the women. They wear as little as legally possible. Speaking of legal - we're almost positive we saw a prostitute. At one point in the night, the dj played Ice Ice Baby, and it echoed over the massive complex walls. In my drunkenness, I decided to get up and do a 30 second rendition of Mr. Van Winkle's awesome dance skills, much to the happy faces of other bar patrons around me. I even got a few claps out of it. As the crew is laughing their ass off at me, I finally sit down and gaze back into the sea of people. A hundred or so feet away, is a woman, whose chestal region is basically falling out of her green, shiny, shimmering tube-top looking dress. Big hair as well, like the kind you see on the Housewives of Orange County shit. And she's girating, or dancing, or something - but she's by herself. This...thing, would literally 'pose' by herself, in front of guys in high-traffic areas. She would go over to a dude, sit down, arch her back, and point her leg up in the air and wait to have someone talk to her. It was absolutely hilarious to watch. A couple more Boulevard beers and Jamo shots later, we headed home, as we had to be out the door by 7:30am the next day. I think we left the bar around 1:30am...

Sat. Aug 22
We woke up at 6:15 to leave. Shit I'm not a morning person. The route driver met us early, and was razzin me left and right for some reason. But he was funny so it was ok. We were busy, as this Price Chopper! held an annual party in their parking lot, chocked full of free shit. Since Katie and I were hungover, it was busy. People are fucking dumb here. They don't listen to directions. "Take one slice" means take 7, apparently. We sampled 17 cases, it was buuusssy. Lame. Evening rolled around, and it was apparent what needed to happen. Jack Stacks BBQ. Obviously we'd been telling Katie about it since we passed into Mizzou. Again, it was absolutely fantastic. Nate decideds to bring FOUR bottles of sauce home. After we left, we grabbed the bull (statue) by the horns. It was awesome. Came back to the hotel and watched "I love you, Man". It kinda sucked, minus the whole SLAPPIN DA BASS part, which was awesome. Let the food digest for a bit, then went out to Barley's Brewhaus in Overland Park. About a hundred taps here - I had a Free State Oatmeal Stout from Lawrence, KS. Gotta drink local. It was just ok though. Awesome reaggae band was playing too. Why do stateside raggae bands always consist of 1 black dude with a bunch of old white guys? Whatever, they were good. But we could only drink one, as our stomach weres on ethe verge of exploding. And exploding stomachs wait for no one.

Sun. Aug. 23
A rather boring, uneventful day in Blue Springs, KS. Sampled 6 cases at a Price Chopper! from 10-3. Had the brilliant idea to go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. It was so unbelievably terrible. My mussels, clams, and our server Emma sucked balls. Don't go to an establishment that spends more time singing, dancing, and douchebagging than actually serving. What a joke.

Mon. Aug 24
We met "Mr. K", anasshole salesguy from the KC area at 6am. You know I'm not a morning person. He decides to make fun of my sleepy status - verbally. What a prick. Then, leads us through town construction to "avoid the freeway". Hey a-hole - we WANT the freeway. We eventually arrive at our destination. Balls Headquarters. The grocery store group is literally called BALLS. It's a guy's last name. So P-mo's isn't sold at all of the, and the days goal is to cook up pizza for lunch in hopes that they WILL carry us after they try it. We fire up - and immediately something is awry. On our biggest day of the Summer. Various switches that control various parts are all messed up. An electrical outlet box starts to sizzle and short out, also emitting a small stream of smoke. That's gonna be good for the operation. We realize that there is a serious electrical issue. Something in or on our main electrical chord isn't grounded. Kevin decides to shut down and TAKE IT APART. Awesome. Dude plays electrician for an hour. It was an amazing thing to witness for all mankind. Using wire cutters, screwdrivers, and whatever else he could find to get the job done - he did. It was incredible. Long story short - it worked, and we fried up the goods. Worked on and off for a good 6 hours. We made pizza in 2 short bursts - in the morning, and in the early afternoon. Since we went out the night before, we had about 2 hours of downtime, which we spent napping. To give you a visual of where exactly we were - think of a business/industrial park. Now think of a business/ industrial park in rural Kansas. Ugly buildings, poorly paved roads, dust, vacant factories...this is our location. While we were hanging out, on the side of the road, in between many factories - we were approached by 2 very interesting people. The first was a black gentleman in a minivan with his family. In thick, southern sounding (yea, this is gonna be blackxploitation!) accent, the man exuberantly yells "YALL SELLIN PIZZA!? HOW MUCH?" in my direction. I'm tired, and I don't want to deal with this, so i explain to him that its not for sale, that we're making it for some higher ups at this place we're in front of. "IM HUNGRY, CMON HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR ONE?" Avoiding the question further, I circle around to the other side and ask bossman what he thinks, and he doesn't care. Just a very weird scene to be a part of. I finally give him an entire pizza for free, and with wide eyes he yells, "AW THANK YA SO MUCH. GOD BLESS YOU, I LOV YOU GUYS!", and sped away in his minivan. An hour later, a small white pickup truck pulls up to us, and a tiny man wearing dirty jeans steps out and asks us various questions about our operation, and if we would like to trade. Trade for what you may ask? Pies. Accross the street from us, is a pie making factory. The conversation went as such:
Pie Guy: You boys like pie? Well, what's your favorite kind?
(Jake and Kevin look at each other...)
Kevin: I like anything with berries in it...?
(Jake laughs)
Pie Guy: Allright. You?
Jake: I don't know, I don't know if I can pick just one...
(Pause)
Pie Guy: Well Fuckin' A.
I literally put my head in my hands, and prayed that I would not laugh directly at this individual. You know Russel in Office Space? He sounded exactly like him. Kevin and I shared a quick glance, both eager to bust out laughing and the weirdness that just occured.
Pie Guy: I'll be back with some in a couple hours. Thanks!
And off he sped in his little Toyota Tacoma pickup. Decided to put 'Fuckin' A' on the rest of our sentences for the day/ night.

After we finished at Balls (lol), we drove to Des Moines, IA to cut our drive home in half. We played it smart and rented a hotel there, as we were clearly tired and deserved another decent night out. We arrived at our hotel at 4:30pm.
Nate & Kevin were raving about this sweet English pub in the heart of downtown called the Royal Mile. Downtown Des Moines was actually tolerable. Had a Beamish Stout that I wasn't a fan of. After dinner at the Royal Mile, which was great, I consulted the Draft Magazine I have and went to El Bait Shop. Holy Amazing. The coolest looking, best veer selection bar we've been to on the tour. Knick knacks here, beer signs there. And it specializes in Mexican bbq? What the hell? Great atmosphere. The shirts were great too. Nate bough one that said 'The Jimmy Carter Happy Hour' with the president's face charicatured on it. I bought one that had the Blue Fish from Dr. Seuss holding a beer while riding a bike pictured on it. Indulged in a Goose Island Matilda, still one of my favs. Also had a Jolly Pumpkin Calabaza Blanca. That brewery is straight up money. Walked back to our hotel at...i have no idea what time. All I remember is that Nate had to pee so bad that he did it on a dumpster behind a bar that we did not go to. On Tuesday August 25th, we drove home to Milwaukee.

So yeah, thats what I wrote. We had Wednesday the 26th off, but on the following Thursday, we planned to embark on the last official tour trip of the Summer Tour. The finale. The last straw. The end of the end. Stay tuned to hear the ridiculousness of the Summer Tour Finale. It's as good as it sounds.

(No pics from this Trip, sorry)

Pics From Previously Mentioned Late July & Early August Events

2009-09-16T01:21:00.006-05:00

A Rundown of Late July & Early August Events

2009-09-08T17:48:00.002-05:00

July had a few rapid-fire events thrown at me. Mid-July called for Festa Italiana - arguably Milwaukee's biggest ethnic summer festival. The Air & Water show flew into town on the 25th & 26th, leaving people dazed, confused, and deaf. Late July & early August had us at a few Timber Rattlers games in Appleton, an MS ride in Madison, followed by an afternoon in Bourbonnais, IL to watch the Chicago Bears training camp. Finally, my brief conclusion of late July & early August events ends with the Wisconsin State Fair from August 6th to the 16th. Thank god I only worked 3 days of that...

Festa Italiana - held down at Henry Maier Fairgrounds, was an astounding success for Pal ermo's. Somehow they got to be the ONLY pizza vendor on the site. How on earth? Friday the 17th was my first taste of Festa, as I got to bartend a private party for the CEO's friends. I opened wine bottles and poured Italian Peroni from the tap for about 6 hours and watched business-like people, grocery managers, and other people I'd never met go from sober to sauced in no time. Getting drunk at places you shouldn't get drunk at is always a good idea. I highly recommend it next time you're at a black tie event, or something of the like. Around dusk, a 'Pinnochio Parade' takes place, complete with creepy male flag-throwers dressed in their Magic the Gathering outfits and a wooden bicycle-riding beloved Pinnochio character. It was somewhat odd. Every night ends with a dazzling array of only the best Chinese fireworks, shot off a barge anchored in Lake Michigan. Saturday afternoon I put frozen pizzas in a triple layer conveyor oven. It left a lot to be desired. I was bored. Friday night was much more fun.

Oh, the Air & Water Show. A busier than expected weekend. The city was full of squinting skyward Wisconsinites, dying to get a glimpse of aviation goodness. Which, I must admit, was completely inspiring. People balancing on bi-planes, jets cruising what looked like INCHES next to each other, and the 'holy shit, i cant hear a thing' FA-18 Navy fighter planes which set off car alarms for hours. Note - when you arrive at your destination an hour before an event of this magnitude begins - you're an idiot. We showed up at Milwaukees Lakefront at 9am - to find that there was NO way in hell we were going to get our 22 foot by 9 foot machine in our designated spot. Lawn chairs, cars, trucks, dogs, people, veterans, airplanes - were just a few of the things standing in our way of setting up. We hopped the curb (seriously) in bumper to bumper traffic and parked our rig between some pine trees in an ill advised spot and immediately began to set up. It did work out though, as we were busy the entire day. A seriously hectic morning turned into a worthwhile day of pie making goodness. Sunday was the same story. We did get to our 'spot' earlier on this day. The Navy's F15 Strike Eagle and FA 18 Hornet scared the shit out of people left and right. Felt like Milwaukee was under attack. My eardrums weren't the same for 3 days. The spectacle was awesome though. I completely understand why EAA in Oshkosh is such a cool deal. Aviation is cooler than most things.

The next part of the trip definitely had it's ups and downs. Very hard to describe because we never really stayed in one spot. Almost 4 different hotels in 4 days. A small amount of downtime, but not too much. Very different events all 4 days. Some very busy, some ... lame as hell. On July 31st we drove from Milwaukee to Appleton for a Timber Rattlers game. This involves the team sampling pizza from our rig in a parking lot. This trip was Katie's first. She's a huge part of my Summer, as she's my high school friend who initially got me this job. I owe her a ton of thanks, as - if you can't tell - my Summer has been an absolute blast. Her husband is my boss, and we've had a ton of fun up to this point. She's heard about the fun goings-on, and wanted to experience it first hand. This was not to be had this evening. We pull up to the stadium parking lot, which is empty, and turn off the truck to go find someone in charge to tell us where to set up. A few minutes later, my boss Kevin comes back to right our vehicle. Click. The key turns, and the vehicle is unresponsive. Click. Click. Click. Nothing. We try to turn our vehicle ON for ten minutes, to no avail. Backstory - remember those transmission problems we had in Minnesota before block party? Well, in the morning, on THIS exact Friday, we installed a NEW transmission in the truck. A cool $3,500. 2 hours of accident-free driving into Appleton, and THIS is how the truck repays us? Fuck. FORD really does stand for 'found on road dead'. So we have a piece of shit truck that has an expensive machine hitched on the back...facing the complete wrong direction, a few feet away from port-o-pottys. Our lives suck at this point. Eventually after phone calls to Timber Rattlers office, tow truck companies, and body shops (5:30pm on a Friday - they were thrilled to work on our truck, I'm sure), we averted disaster and found a Rattler's staffer who had a truck, which got us in the right spot. I spent the event driving back and forth with an intern who's job it was to make sure we were taken care of. Nick the intern - be happy your internship is paid. After a stressful afternoon and a boring, lame event (EEA was happening this weekend in Oshkosh, so game turnout was low), we decided to treat ourselves. Lombardi's steakhouse in downtown Appleton was beckoning. Unfortunately, our nice evening was ruined by an individual named Robin. Robin had absolutely no desire to work at Lombardi's steakhouse this Friday evening. Not only was she unpleasant - she was incredibly rude and snotty. While our table talked about how nice the environment was, as the restaurant was basically empty, she turned around as she walked away and said, "WELL, it IS 9 oclock on a Friday night..." and huffed and puffed her way to the kitchen. This was within 4 minutes of being seated. What a cunt. It only got worse. Between her rolling eyes, impatient breaths, and inability to properly serve any of us - we actually laughed at how bad she was. A fitting end to a shitty day. Robin from Lombardi's - honestly - take a step back, and literally fuck your own face. An infamous person on the 'People we've met list' for the summer.

Saturday, the first day of August. 2 months and change of being on the road. Disc golfed at Kaukauna's Grignon Park in the afternoon. Immaculate front 9 - really impressive. Huge open hills paired with narrow dog-legged pins hidden in the woods. Katie read a book in the truck as bossman and I shot a round. The truck had no problems today, and the weather was beautiful, so it was looking up for us. Our event lasted 4 hours. It was mostly boring again today, and we had a hard time getting rid of pizza. Tailgaters usually bring food to tailgate with. That seems like the correct way to do it, right? Naturally people aren't chomping at the bit to stuff more food into their gullets. No time for fun though. 7pm our event conlcluded - and we had to drive 2 hours to get to Madison, as we had a bright & early date with the Alliant Energy Center. If you know Madison - there is a Sheraton hotel directly across said Energy Center. This is obviously where we were scheduled to stay. We book our reservations through Orbitz - usually months, or weeks in advance. Long story short - after we arrived at 9pm - we were told that this Sheraton was 'overbooked', and we had to find a different hotel. Why does life hate us? We were tired, ornery, and none too happy. So instead of being DIRECTLY across from our event for the next morning, the Sheraton decided to 'let us' stay at a Country Inn & Suites in Monona. I lived in Madison for a year and a half, so I do the driving to get us there, as the beast is not always easy to drive, with the wide turns and all. Again we're frustrated, so we quick shower and head to my favorite bar, and favorite ex-place to work for - Madison's best brewpub - the Great Dane. We unhitch our trailer and head to beer heaven. We fill our stomachs with glorious beer and deep fried food, and all is better again. Until we get back to the hotel. Upon arriving in our parking lot, we see that SOMEONE HAS PARKED US IN. Seriously. The lot is nowhere near full. Not a bit. And some moron in a white dodge literally parks next to our unhitched trailer, making it impossible for us to connect to it, and take it to another place. Our event happens to be around 8am Sunday morning. Kevin, Katie and I are furious, yet all we can do is laugh. Kev leaves a bitter note that reads "Car with license ###### must move by 8am. It is parking us in. Thank you." by the desk clerk, who's currently on the phone. We go to sleep.

Sunday. The sabbath day. An MS benefit bike ride ends at the Alliant Energy Center today. We put our matching Summer Tour Shirts on and head outside to drive the uneccessary 3 miles to our event. But we can't, cuz MORON ASSHOLE'S CAR IS STILL THERE. Who parks next to a giant trailer, obviously stopping said trailer from being moved since they are a few feet from the hitch? I wouldn't, would you? Boss goes back to the hotel clerk who calls the room of the moron. Minutes later, a skinny bitch in ripped jeans and a white tanktop comes out, clearly hungover. "Oh...I'm sorry", she says. As she pulls away to find a new spot, we notice bags of Qdoba garbage all over the ground underneath her car. This pisses us off even more. Kevin takes matters into his own hands, and brings the to-go Qdoba mess over to her car and gently hangs it on the mirrors. No one likes a litterer. We work on and off from 10 am to 6pm ish. We see a dirty baby fox playing in the mud in the morning, and dirty sweaty bicyclists in the afternoon. Once again though, we don't have time for anything - and we immediately pack up and head to Illinois. Bears training camp looms tomorrow. It takes us 4 hours to get to the middle of nowhere town called Bourbonnais. We meet a bald character named Bill outside of our hotel before checking in. He informs us that 9000 people went to watch the camp today. We're screwed tomorrow...

Monday morning comes and the putrid navy & orange colors fill our eyes with sorrow. Olivet Nazerene University is a beautiful location for the team though - great looking Christian college. Pal ermo's is an official sponsor of the Bears, and is being sold within Soldier Field this year. Cool. Fans had to walk by our location to get to the practice fields, so many fans took in a sausage piece straight to the face. That makes a bakers dozen there, Bob. We leave as soon as we are allowed to. The millions of orange construction barrels taunted us as we drove north home. A hectic 4 days to say the least.

Last but not least - the Wisconsin State Fair. OH the Wisconsin State Fair. No pizza trailer oven machine this time, as we had an actual booth in the Wisconsin Products Pavilion. By the powers that be - I was only scheduled to work THREE times during this fiasco. Three out of ten, or twelve or however many days the state fair went on was FINE by me. I passed the time by counting mullets (not my own), and playing a version of 'state fair bingo', made (somewhat) by yours truly. Pic to come later. Let's just say I found only one 'skullet' - shaved top of head with mullet features everywhere else. A new fav to say the least. As you can imagine, the people watching was epic. The owners son ran the event every day, so it was nice to get hooked up with a variety of Wisconsin products, as we bartered pizza for...well, whatever we wanted. Props to Cedar Crest Ice Cream next to us. Thank you sir may I have another. State Fair was boring, for the most part, even tho we were busy every minute of every day.

I think I've covered it all. Check out the pics. I love you.

A Few Pics from MN

2009-09-08T17:12:00.004-05:00

7/7/09---7/12/09 (Click for Hi-Res. Yes they are in reverse chronological order. I hate blogger)

Event #5 - MN Madness / Basilica Block Party

2009-09-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

Event #5 - MN Madness / Basilica Block Party

Tues July 7 to Sun July 12

**First off let me say that I hardly wrote anything down for this trip, as well as the ones after this. The tour has progressively drained my colleagues and I. As I'm finally getting to this now, it is September 8th - a good 2 months later. People's names have been forgotten, good times have gone from fuzzy to downright 'when was that'? I'll do my best to recollect the stories and images. The last trip I was on, the 11 day finale, will be the ultimate ending to this Summer saga. I hope you continue to read these and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and stay tuned to the shitshow ending...**

Tuesday July 7th marked the start to yet another trip to the great north. We've come to love the Twin Cities. Illinois can have Chicago, cuz I'm really really starting to know and adore Minneapolis. 5 hour drive, and we arrived at 2ish. Immediately had to set up outside of the shitrodome, as we had to sample outside. Yankees were in town, which was awesome. Word on the street said Twins corporate office had BOX seats for us. Sure enough, they came through. Free food and drink for the whole game was spectacular. CC was on the mound for the Yanks, mowing down batters left & right. Brought a tear to our eyes.

Wednesday the 8th was a very very easy day. We set up outside of a Cub Foods in Apple Valley. A radio station with interns younger than us parked beside us. I wrote down 'creepy guy in suit'. This refers to ... well, a creepy guy in a suit with a Zach Morris cell just hanging out by us for an hour, off to the side. We eventually asked the 2 interns he was their boss. Their reply - "No, we thought he was with you." Fucking creepy. Like that scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie and that chick almost kiss in the woods, but theres that guy in the bright jogging suit, and she doesn't feel like it anymore. Juuust like that. I went to an Erbert & Gerberts for the first time. I don't really remember thinking it was that great.

Thursday had us sampling another Twins game. Yanks still in town. Awkward start time of 12:10pm though. We worked until 1pm and then drove around to play 3 different frisbee golf courses. We went to a new place - Joe's Garage. Turned out to be amazing. More on this night later. Also look for one of the greatest exchanges to ever take place on the summer tour, in a future post called 'Interesting People' - a recap of hilarious people from the Summer.

Friday July 10th was the first day of the Basilica Block Party. A beautiful church housed smack dab in the heart of Minneapolis. Apparently its a big deal, with 3 music stages and food vendors strewn about a 3 block span by this religious artifact. Our Trucks transmission failed, for the most part on this day. No reverse. Always fun. It was not a good morning, as we also found out that the city of Minneapolis never received our money for our permit to be at the Block Party. Mistake was made at our HQ - they never sent it in time. People yelled at us. It was just not a good morning / afternoon. The night went much better though, as the Black Crowes played just south of us. We got to go to a bar called Drink. Seriously? The bar was called Drink - of course we're going to go there. We got hammered. Met some cool people. Turned out to be an ok friday. When I got home from the bars, I thought it was necessary to document the past 2 days of the adventure. Here is what I wrote, verbatim, at 4am - about thursday and friday:

Thurs 9th - 12:10 Yanks sample. On Thurs 3 disc ggofl courses. Graded them. Waited an hour ten minutes for table at Joes Garage. Amazing tho. (salesmans name ommitted) got shots. paid for bill. Now in Golden Valley. Golden showers. haha. Fri 10th - Truck sucks. Basilica never got paid for permit. that was cool. lame block party kinda. black crowes played. it rained. went to 'Drink' @ uptown minneapolis. I am drunk. It was good. Santana foods at 3am. Also good.

And that's your ballgame. I had to look at that notebook for a good 3 minutes to figure out what it said. That's all I wrote for this trip. Sad. That Santana foods was a gold mine though. A middle-eastern food hub/general store that was open WELL past bartime. Nothing like deep fried falafel at 3am. Was a great way to end a night. And I have no idea why I wrote the block party was lame. It was not lame. In fact, it was about to get a hell of a lot better on Saturday.

Day 2 of the Basilica Block Party on Saturday the 11th. Worked from 2pm - 10:30pm, where we went through 17 cases of delicious 'za. That's a lot, we were super busy. Speaking of falafel - the 'Holy Land' Middle Eastern cuisine stand started on fire. It was awesome. We were even graced by a man displaying the raw power of a wolf shirt. He immediately indulged in a slice, yet had the common courtesy to not howl at the moon right after. I took a break around 8:30 pm to head over to see The Hold Steady. I had always heard they were good, but never heard any of their stuff. I was not disappointed. I listened to 3 songs, took a bunch of pics, and headed back to work, which was too bad cuz they were killin it. Counting Crowes were on the main stage...so I didn't hear, nor want to hear any of that. After our shift, we gave Joe's Garage another try, as there was no way an hour and ten minutes is normal for a Thursday night. Any place that specializes in 'gourmet mashed potatoes' is awesome. And it was . Much better experience this time. This was also the night that we met up with some girls who worked at Fallon Worldwide - a top ad agency in Minneapolis. Dear Kaye - GET ME A JOB THERE. Anyways, a confrontation was had w/ one of her psycho friends, that will be discussed at a later point.

Sunday the 12th. The last day for us. Yet another work day outside of the Metrodome ( I know, my life sucks ) Chisox were in town and it was busy as hell. Noon game, and we get slammed. Immediately after our event, we drove home.

Check out the pics...

A Few Pics From Kansas City

2009-08-14T14:52:00.005-05:00

6/16/09-6/20/09

Event #4 - Kansas City Missouri

2009-08-14T11:28:00.002-05:00

Wed June 17th - Mon June 22

Red, White, & Booms Festival

Wednesday the 17th started with an 8am wakeup call via my cell's alarm. I got to Pal ermo's at 9am to leave. Unfortunately some maintenance douchebags left the dome light on in the truck all night. After a long jumper cable process, we were on the road at 10am. We drove for 9 hours total. On the way, we stopped at the Iowa 80 - the world's largest truck stop. 800 truck spaces. True story, it was massive. We had Wendy's. It sucked, of course. After a 7pm arrival, it was time to consult the Draft beer magazine that I covet so. We drove through the ridiculous construction that plagues the summer to Southwest Kansas City's Blanc Burgers & Bottles. It was a hipster bar with fancy burgers and a huge beer list. My kind of place, clearly. I had an Arcadia Coco Loco Stout (8.0) & a Cafe Centraal Fav La Chouffe Houblon Doublon Triple IPA (9.3). The In & Out burger - and I can't stress this enough - was the best burger I've ever had. Hands down. An onion ring, house-made ketchup, bacon, and bleu-cheese stuffed burger on a gourmet bun. Absolutely incredible. Text on a computer screen can't do it justice. Voted KC's best burger as well. Also noted in Draft mag was the a bar called the Foundry @ McCoys. A decent craft beer brewery, slightly hipsterish as well. I hit on the slightly good looking, skinny, tattoed multi-colored hair girl, aaaaand she did not like me. My line "Do you have any other tattoos?" She said yes. My next line, "Any I can see?" She said no. The boys thought that was hilarious.

Thurs June 18
Woke up to a fucking fire alarm at 9am. Thanks Fairfield Inn & Suites. It was not sweet waking up to the sound of my eardrums bursting. After getting lost a bit in the early afternoon, we finally found the disc golf course nearest to our hotel. Waterworks Park boasts the highest elevation point in Kansas City. A very difficult course sprinkled with huge hills and deadly ravines. Lost a disc - something I haven't done in 2 years. Of course, I found another, better driver disc. Kevin finds beer, I find discs. I got cut up & scraped scavenging through the woods, but thats nothing compared to Kev finding a TICK on him . . . hours later. Not cool. Our radio remote was scheduled at 3pm at the Parkville PRICE CHOPPER (say it with oomph!) with KCMO 93.3. Keith and Lindsay were awesome. Keith - way to go on the Power & Light District reference. We went. But before that - we needed BBQ. We asked locals what the best was - Jack Stacks was a big choice. We are seriously lucking out on food here. Amazing burgers last night - INSANE bbq tonight. Melted in ya mouth. I had lamb ribs & beef brisket and even bought some sauce to bring home. We could barely function it was so good. After that we drove the short distance to the Power & Light District. A huge, open-air free for all with about 15 bars converging in one space. All overlooking a courtyard nestled underneath a canopy with a live music stage. We of course drank Boulevard Wheat and made fun of dudes in Affliction shirts. Some girls wore next to nothing. It was perfect. Earlier in the day Kev received a downer phone call complaint from pizza HQ, but after the BBQ, beers, and scenery, we couldnt be touched. KC - I'm in love with you. Hopefully tomorrow we can get into Boulevard Brewery tour, but according to their website, it's booked for a solid 3 months. I don't believe it. (Believe it - they have a 3-4 month waiting list. Laaame)

Friday June 19th
I woke up at 10am feeling like I got hit by a train. And the freighter housed food. Yesterday's intake, from memory - 4 gatorades, about 6 beers, 7 slices of shitty/good frozen pizza, and the world's best bbq. 200 pounds here I come! The boys thought it would be good to eat DQ at 11:30am. Fuck me. I am against all 'hot treats' at a place called Dairy Queen. Side note - am I getting to be obsessed with food? What the hell is this blog turning into? Onward...I had a blizzard. We then ventured back to Waterworks park to finish the course and to conquer the hilly beast. Lost ANOTHER disc. Forests were nestled on...70 degree angled cliffs and ravines. Hole 17, like I said, is the highest point in Kansas City. 30mph+ winds did not help the discing. The light drizzle was nice though. After our session, we hitched up the 'za wagon and headed over to another PRICE CHOPPER (go ahead, say it with vigor!) in Liberty, MO. It was boring. I'm pretty sure I saw a pregnant 13 year old, so that was neat. And terrible. Otherwise, just gabbin with radio station dj's and staring at milfs. The 30mph winds were a lot better than the 95 degrees and sweltering heat like we had yesterday. We had packed everything up from our old hotel and drove to a new one in Bonner Springs, KS. Taking locals advice again, we went to Arthur Bryants BBA, near the Kansas Speedway. It was no jack stacks, but it was better than any Wisco stuff I've had. We took it easy that night cuz we had a big event followed by a seriously long drive the next day.

Sat. June 20th.
Up at 10am again to take on the day. Red, White & Booms. From what the other radio stations have told us, is pure teenager shenanigan heaven. Boy were they right. Beautiful venue though, set on a hill. Think Marcus Amphitheater without the covered overhang. So what was a beautiful setting was clouded out by rain and gray skies. After we got situated around noon, we of course headed to the nearest disc golf course. Conveniently located on the same grounds! Crazy. So whereas wateworks in KC was heavily wooded and extremely hilly, Wyandote Park was very open and had very long holes. One was 789 feet of pure, open disc golf gloriousness. It was remarkably fun. Until it started to rain, then pour. We probably walked a half mile in the downpour to get back to our parked truck. We were so wet. It was terrible. Of course we consumed beverages on the course, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The gates for R, W & B opened at 2, so we expected a few to be there. Wrong. Thousands were already there. With or without ponchos, brassieres, or parents. Braving the elements, the youth of America dove upon free pizza like hyenas on a carcas. Event personell said they expected between 9 and 10 thousand. I believe they got it. Theres nothing like getting hit on by 12 and 13 year old girls with neon colored shirts that show their appreciation for the Veronicas. Other artists they got driven by their parents to see: The White Tie Affair (Who?), Safety Suit (Why are they there?), Matt Nathanson (didn't have anywhere else to be that day?), Kevin Rudolf (Strangely catchy, actually...fuck) and the headliner...KC's own David Cook! Yeah Woo Hah! Who cares. Highlight of the day was Matt Nathanson calling a kid "An 11 year old prick who bases his life on masturbation" and dropping F bombs like it was nobodies business. "Your life is nothing". Hahah it was fucking hilarious. I was a Matt Nathanson fan from then on. I can see the radio station and/or event promoters gasping in horror. Hilarious.
So we sampled pizza for a few hours and then jetted outta there. Thankfully our truck was parked near an exit gate stage right, so it was no big deal. Had we been somewhere else, it would have been terrible. We all wanted to go out another night and really experience Power & Light district, but we had a noon radio remote in Dubuque, Iowa the next day. Thanks Pal ermos. We immediately packed up & left. I drove from 8pm to 3am. It sucked. Iowa at dark is equally shitty as Iowa during day. We stayed at the Days Inn 1 mile from our remote. I must say that I mistook this hotel as a horror movie set at first. Had to see it to believe it. Norman Bates woulda loved this place. Creepy as hell. Took a shower & headed to bed, where I had it in my head that there were a million microscopic insect larvae rummaging through my leg hair. I'm contemplating getting tested for STDs when I get home.

Sun. June 22
I woke up Sunday morning itchy and red, with yellow boils covering my body. Kidding. I took another shower in the 'shower designed for Asian businessmen' (Nate Radue, 2009) and we trucked off to the Dubuque Hyvee. Apparently this Hyvee is the #1 seller of Pal ermos in the country. Who knew? Damn, these people went ape shit for it. Some lady who owned an orphanage bought 10 during her visit. Just drizzled a bit - nothing too substantial to ruin our afternoon though. I must say that the weather has been very nice to us so far on our Summer Tour. Here's to more of that. On a down note, I am not looking forward to weighing myself at the gym tomorrow. I am huge, I will cry. My thighs touch - they're becoming good friends. Working out will be torture. But oh well - Pal ermos is paying for the grub and the room, and me and my digicam are enjoying it so far. I have the next 2 weeks off - I'll be back working the second July in Minneapolis. Till then, we got the pizza - so go eat it!

A Few Pictures From Omaha

2009-07-05T20:45:00.004-05:00

6/3/09 - 6/9/09

Well that sucks

2009-06-26T01:31:00.003-05:00

This happened yesterday, but I just got home from work right now, and I feel like I need to make this post.

Jacko is gone.

All jokes aside (and there are a million), the man was a true king of the entertainment world. A revolutionary, if you will. The sheer stardom this man captured cannot, and will not ever be topped again. It's fucking impossible. The man traveled around the globe and dominated every country he set foot in. Forget that the man was clinically insane and probably didn't exhibit the best moral values. You can't deny that the music was perhaps the pinnacle of perfection in the 20th century. I haven't taken a look at the other news outlets or other blog site tributes, but I know what mine is.

Michael Jackson. Live in Bucharest. 1992. One of the greatest music dvd's ever produced. I give you the 8:00 dance-off of "Billie Jean".

Just fucking epic.

Michael Jackson.

1958-2009.

Event #2: Omaha, NE

2009-06-24T23:16:00.003-05:00

Event #2: Omaha, NE
June 3rd - June 8th, 2009. The Taste of Omaha.

Day 1 - The Drive, Wednesday June 3rd.
Left the compound at 5pm with a few new faces. 5 of us this time. Beautiful new rig as well - a 7.3 liter diesel Ford F-350. Money. Well, actually used, but its a lot safer and nicer. The engine and exhaust aren't crying for mercy when I step on the gas.
So Iowa smells like shit. Surprise, surprise. And its not even hot at this point. The roads are long, and the roads are boring. 80W is terrible. One of the roads was titled 'Tait Cummins' somethin. That's one N and one G away from awesomeness. Think about it. Also passed a town called 'What Cheer'. Seriously - that's the name of the town. Residents of What Cheer - where is the punctuation? Another thing - there is a shit-ton of windmills. Lotta power windin thru that countryside. The green revolution is heeeeere!

What I wrote down for my next point was 'Check engine light on? Push through!' Unbeknownst to us, there was something seriously wrong with our new truck. We were about 250+ miles outside of Omaha, and something just . . . didn't feel right with the vehicle. I couldn't quite figure it out, but I literally said out loud to Kevin, who was sitting shotgun, "Something's wrong here". After doing....well, nothing about it for a minute or two, I said "guess not then" and continued going 75 miles per hour down the road. Literally 3 hours later, as we slowed down off the exit ramp to our hotel - it was painfully clear. As I turned the wheel, I found it increasingly difficult to make said turn.

There was ZERO power steering fluid.

Yeah. For more than 250 miles, I was captaining a 7000+ pound mechanical bull 75 miles an hour down the highway. Through construction, at 2 in the morning. I was so pissed. Pissed doesn't even describe my frustration, but as it was 2:30 in the am, I slept it off and just thanked god that we were all still alive.

Thurs. June 3rd, 2009
8am came early. That'll happen when you go to bed at 2:30. Kevin went to an auto parts store while I was slumbering to grab some brake fluid. Swell guy. Too bad it leaked all over the Riverfront walkway where we were situated for the Taste of Omaha. And I mean ALL over. Someone is gonna be piiiiiiiissed. View of the Missouri river is awesome. Location couldn't be better. Waited till 2pm for the electricians to flip a damn switch so we could get outta there. 4 hours of nothing. We seriously waited for 4 hours. We could have gotten the truck fixed, but...naaah.
We DID stop at the Crescent Moon pub in downtown Omaha after we got a shuttle back to our hotel. We had to drive our broken ass truck 10 miles to the Iowa Nebraska border to a 'certified' Ford dealership to repair it. Anyways - the Crescent Moon. Again, I consulted my favorite issue of Draft Magazine which features the best beer bars in America. Thus, a stop at this amazing drinking establishment was in order. We had eaten nothing all day, so we were very hungry and of course parched. Great place with terrible service. Had an Old Stock Rasputin Stout (8.7 rating). Followed close behind by a Nefarious Ten Pin Imperial Porter from Colorado (9.1) Finished with the always smooth, slightly hoppy Goose Island Matilda.

Now let me tell you a little story about a guy named Rich. Rich is a retired car salesman who works at McMullen Ford in Council Bluffs, Iowa as a shuttle driver. Since Ford is in the shitter, they no longer offer loaner vehicles. So Rich ended up being our chauffeur twice on this fateful day. Rich first dropped us off at our hotel when we decided not to wait for the truck to get fixed. He said he would call us when the truck was finished. That's when we decided to head to the Crescent Moon. An hour later - they called to confirm that the truck was done. We told Rich to meet us at our hotel. Yeah...so we didn't go there. We continued to drink, which was a slight asshole move. Then, Rich did something I never thought possible. He sent Kevin a message that he was at our hotel waiting for us. VIA TEXT MESSAGE. Rich, a 70 year old leathery individual, TEXTED us. I dont know - if you don't think that's amazing - go visit another blog. Rich then took us on a tour of the 'happenin' spots downtown' where all the 'young college girls hang out'. Much appreciated Rich. Also - he told us stories about how he met Carrol Shelby - a badass car manufacturer, racer, and enthusiast. He was an awesome guy - one that you'd have to meet in real life to grasp his coolness.

We still had plenty of daylight to spare when we left for Seymour Park around 5:30. After an entire day of waiting for other people, it was time to do a little disc golfing. We bought our case of high life and headed to the park, where unfortunately, it was league night. Pulled up to a full (and I mean FULL) parking lot of eager frolfers. We didn't really get to play the whole course, as there were up to 20 people waiting to tee off at some holes. During our play though, we had the pleasure of meeting Daisy the Duck. A domesticated duck that was the pet for a happy couple in their 30's. It followed them around and quacked. Seriously. It's wings were clipped so it couldn't fly away. I'm not sure what the point of having a duck for a pet is, but they had one. It was very, very wierd to see. After frolfin around, we headed back to the hotel to shower. Took a trip to 'Old Market Town' (where Rich had taken us) to Upstream Brewery. (Yeah, I AM obsessed with breweries, and i'm OK with that). I had a lemon ginger saison and a Hawaiian blue something or other saison as well. They were both mediocre.

Fri. June 4th, 2009
So perhaps I had too much to drink last night. Throughout the day yesterday, Twilight was the topic. Dana, a nice young lady of 22 years who was with us for the event, had brought the dvd with her. It was, for some reason, a hot topic. I felt it necessary to watch it after we got home for the night. It was terrible. Sorry, I just don't get the hype. The main actor looks like he auditioned for the 2nd (or 3rd?) Powder movie, and the girl - although strangely sexy - could be the worst actress in history. And what an anti-climactic ending? My god.
So - Palermo's - our first day of the event. We were up & running by 11am. Which was very interesting because they didnt SELL TICKETS FOR THE EVENT UNTIL 5PM. You read right. All vendors had to be set up and in operation at 11 am. The ticket booth for the event didnt open on the grounds until 5. What another complete waste of time. Amateurs. And it wasn't a 'cash' event. Fairgoers bought 'tickets' to get whatever they wanted from vendors at pre-determined 'prices'. Highlights included a sweet pedestrian bridge to the south...McKennas Blues, Brews, and BBQ of Omaha, and the guy with the coolest Star Wars tattoos EVER. After a very long 11 hour day, we made a Wal-Mart run to get necessary things. Fun fact of Omaha: Liquor & Beer sales extend until 1am. Super. We grabbed a 6'er of Boulevard Brewery (from KC, MO) & indulged. Can't get it in WI, so it tasted even better for that reason alone. Boulevard Wheat - cloudy goodness. Beeroseur rating of 8.7.

Sat. June 5th, 2009
Busy day. Walked around the fairgrounds - it was very large. Got a mullet at Ashley Lynns Barber 10 blocks away. Really! The Asian hairstylist, who owned the place, was not very ecstatic about doing the cut. 'ohhhh riry? i haven done that in 20 year!' Yes, I am being slightly racist here, but how else am I supposed to convey her broken English? Exactly. I went with a 3 guard on the sides, so it's not truly visibly obvious. But dammit, it's a mullet. So through my years, I've had a rat tail, bowl cut, shaved my head, and gone with the shag. I'm wondering when I'll sport the actual mohawk. Other than the mullet today, the day was pretty standard. Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions are proving to be popular. Nate and I do pretty well with them. We are next to the main stage on the riverfront walkway, which is good and bad. The main music stage is no more than two hundred feet away from our pizza capsule. "The Diamonds", tonights main performance, sucked balls. Thank the lord we have the iPod player in the trailer. The Diamonds looked like cheap assholes playing 50's music around a game of Poker. No thanks. Highlight of the day was this absolutely hammered chick who approached us. Quite inchorent, but hilarious. Continually asked us to go down her shirt to clean up some pizza, which was hilarious. Said that 'hitting on boys was gay', and that 'her boyfriend doesn't care that she flirts with guys, because she gets free shit and gives it to him'. We then went to the Dundee Dell, a downtown Omaha bar after we got ready for a nite on the town. So remember how I said that it was cool that Omaha had beer & liquor sales until 1? Yeah, bar time is 1am too. So when we got to the bar, and 12:30 rolled around and some gibberish was yelled into the mic, we thought nothing of it. Of course they were saying that it was last call. I oredered a St. Bernadus Triple at 12:50am. This asshole of a bartender literally STOOD OVER our table and WAITED for us to 'drink' our beers. By drink, he basically said chug. Keep in mind that this bar has a collection of gorgeous, somewhat expensive imported beers. YOU DONT CHUG THEM. What an asshole of a staff. Takes a lot for me to say that as well, especially since I'm in the service industry. Unbelievable.

Sun. June 6th, 2009
Pretty boring day. Bob Seger tribute band was rockin from 6-8pm though. Clutch. Since it was Sunday, Taste only lasted from 11am-8pm, so it was a slightly easier day. Nebraska observation: eeeeeeveryone here is pregnant. everyone. So many preggos. One of them wore a tshirt that read 'I'm not fat, I'm knocked up!' I laughed. Huge shoutout to McKennas of Omaha. Absolutely amazing BBQ chicken & pork sandwhiches. Also amazing garlic American potato salad. And I don't even LIKE potato salad. Bartering is good. Free pizza for free bbq. Any day. Today as marked the 3rd impression of the weekend. Boris Milosch. Right now its a perfect Czech/Slovack/Kazakh mesh. I highly doubt I'll be able to replicate this perfection again. "Eastern European Jizzzzzz". LOL. Had Red Lobster for dinner, which was a first. Blackened Tilapia & 2 margaritas. Becky was our server. It's currently midnight here and the 5 are playing asshole. Drinking Milwaukee made Miller Lite and non Milwaukee made Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat. 2 radio remotes tomorrow followed by a round of disc golf.

Mon. June 8th, 2009
The big black lady who calls everyone 'sweetheart' that works at the Best Western made us waffles in the morning. 2 radio remotes today, 94.1 & 104.5. Local grocery stores known as Hy-Vee carried the stuff. Girl who worked 94.1 was smoking hot. Left at 4:30pm with 9 slices in my belly. The fire roasted ham & pineapple primo thin and grilled chicken caesar pizza are my kryptonite. My god.

Next post = wrapup & pictures.

A Few pictures of the Pizza Beast

2009-05-31T22:15:00.007-05:00

5/22/09

More pictures to come when I take some that are worthwhile. Click for Hi-res versions.

Event #1 - Minneapolis, MN

2009-05-31T20:36:00.003-05:00

Event #1 - Minneapolis, MN
Memorial Day weekend, 5/22 - 5/25, Twins vs. Brewers series.

And so the journey begins. The sole goal - to generate interest in the Pal ermos pizza company, one town at a time. The Yukon Denali is not meant to tow our pizza trailer. That's pretty clear. 7 miles per gallon. Yes please. We stopped at a gas station outside of Baraboo around 7pm. On a diaper changing station in a scary, dimly-lit mens bathroom read "Cleveland Police Chief Mike McGrath slobs the big knob". You taught him, law-abiding citizen! We've been on the road for 3 hours, and we aren't even to the Dells yet. Traffic is terrible due to it being Memorial Day weekend.

9:00pm - to Eau Claire. Lots of miles to go, but we're not stopping. Dinner can wait. In other news - Head East's "Never Been any Reason" just came on the radio. Kev says they're from WI. I don't believe him. We shall see upon further research. (Further research - they're from Champaign, Illinois. HA!) In other news, we are killing this poor Yukon's engine. The oil pressure gauge is buried PAST the maximum point notch. We discuss how 'incognito' is a great word. What's the word origin? May I have it in a sentence please?

We arrived at our Holiday Inn Express at 10:00pm. Immediately headed over to Ray J's, an American Pub/Grill that served actual chicken wings. AND they had Fat Tire on tap. WTF? I asked the barkeep how long they've had it. 2.5 years. Apparently the twin cities was the testing point for New Belgium Brewing to see if it would be worth distributing to the midwest. So, thanks MN for being awesome at drinking beer, thus allowing WI to carry it.
A round of disc golf was in order early Saturday morning. After circling Cottage Grove (Minnesota, not Wisconsin...) for 20 minutes, we finally found it. Course was good, but quite dirty. Garbage, litter, and BROKEN GLASS everywhere. Oakwood park disc golfers / hippies - clean your shit up. Seriously. Get your acts together, or you'll get the axe.

Our Saturday pre-game event was successful. A little fuss was had about the fact we were using a generator for electricity. But no matter - as a band drowned the noise out considerably. I can't remember the name of the band, but they seemed to enjoy the free pizza I gave them during their set. 108 total pizzas were made, rounding out to 864 slices given away. I'm guessing that's a lot of satisfaction. The best part came after we packed up, as the Minneapolis Town Hall Brewery was a few blocks east. Sat out on the patio and enjoyed the food and beverages. God I love that place.
Sunday morning started off nicely with a round of disc golf at Acorn Park in Rosedale, MN. 2 of the holes actually had swampy wetlands, somewhat difficult to navigate. San Jovi, a dear old Madison friend of mine joined us on the excursion as well. Witnessed a dude hit an impossible, blind, uphill shot through a 5 ft window between 2 trees. It was absolutely incredible. Hope his girlfriend, whom he was shooting with, was also impressed. I hope he got laid because of it. I hope their children are future disc golf professionals. Onward...
Sundays event was also smooth sailing. MN people are nice. This wasn't surprising to me, but welcomed. Yelling "free pizza!" got old, but at least they formed their own line. Way to go, Twins kids! After a short clean-up process, we got our free tickets to the game. So we stayed for a few innings of shitty Brewer interleague play. Did get to see the Mike Cameron jack, followed by an even more impressive Joe Crede bomb. Equal amounts of fans from both squads were in attendance. Even though it was on ESPN Sunday night baseball, it was lame. The Metrodome sucks. Still. I imagine even the Twins fans hate it there. How much would it suck to be a season ticket holder? No thanks. Shitrodome. Abortodome. Whatever. I felt like a plastic toy prize smashed in the bottom of a crack jack box. People jammed so close together that strangers leg hairs get braided with yours by the end of the game. They even have a large counter that read '56' - as in 56 more home games in this shithole before they get their new stadium. If you can't guess by now - we didn't stay long. But, uh, thanks for the tickets!

We hooked up the trailer at some point around the 5th inning, and drove it back to the hotel. A quick shower was had, as we were going to go out in St. Paul to 2 bars that I had read about. First stop - The Muddy Pig. Shout out to bartender/manager Thea - you were awesome. Food was awesome as well, but not as awesome as the tap list. Good god. Drank a Southern Tier Iniquity (Beeroseur rating: 9.0) Also tried a Wikap Pater Dubbel (8.1). Your typical beer flags/signs/tins adorned the establishment, along with a ton of ceramic/plastic/plush pigs. Awkward name for a bar, but it was the shit. (If you ever are in St. Paul, go to this place). 2 blocks away was The Happy Gnome, the second bar on the list. In between though, were newly layed sidewalk squares/cobblestones that Kev was furious at, for some reason. It was hilarious, guess you had to be there. Also had a large tap list, but wasn't as inviting as the Muddy Pig. Service was kinda terrible as well. And I know a little bit about customer service. Sunday funday (fun-night?) in St. Paul also showed us a magnificent view of the lighted capital building. Whilst at the Gnome I had Surly Brewing Bender, a local brewery's version of a coffee porter (8.6) Also tested Surly Furious - a ridiculous hop inflused brew. Also bought a few taster glasses from there.

So the above is what I had written down in the car from the adventure. Hopefully something more exciting will happen next week while I'm in Omaha. I'm planning on getting a mullet, more disc golf, and new bars. Stay tuned.

You Should Know

2009-05-29T12:53:00.003-05:00

. . . That Tepid Epics is also a guest author for the blogsite 'Sheffieldshouse'. It's a startup sports minded blog that some friends of mine created. Look for future posts there from me.

http://www.sheffieldshouse.com

Sheffieldshouse is also on Twitter. Follow us until we call the cops on you for stalking/indecent exposure.

http://twitter.com/sheffieldshouse

What has Rider Strong been up to?

2009-05-27T12:06:00.006-05:00

You remember Rider Strong, the lonesome badass kid with the terrible 90's parted hair on Boy Meets World?

Well, it seems that life is looking up for Rider, as he has grown up now and is pitching for the Philadelphia Phillies. Congrats kid, you've made it!

This comparison comes on the heels of the new ESPN the Magazine commercial (which is absolutely terrible - buy a magazine - get a fleece. Holy shit!), which stars Cole Hamels along with Chad 'Old News' Cinco and Jameer Nelson. Originally, the roommate and I said he looked like the older Matthews' kid on Boy Meets World - played by Andrew Lawrence. Upon seeing a cast photo, clearly he IS Rider Strong. Watch ESPN enough and you'll see the awful athlete roundtable restaurant commercial. It's laughable.

And for the record, Danielle Fishel is smokin hot. Further proof that I don't just gravitate towards skinny chicks...Miss you, Topanga!

My Summer as a Carney

2009-05-20T13:36:00.003-05:00

So some more changes will be coming to Tepid Epics, surprise surprise.

I've taken a summer position as a 'special events representative' for Milwaukee's own Palermo's Pizza company. It's going to keep me very busy, as most of these 'events' will take place on the weekends throughout the midwest. A high school friend's husband and I will be driving a Yukon Denali with a 22 foot long by 11 and a half foot tall 'pizza trailer' - complete with awesome vinyl graphics, pop-out awning, and a large oven already inside.

Locations for the 'Summer Pizza Tour 09' include Omaha, Minneapolis, Madison, Kansas City, Des Moines and a few others. Equipped with a gas card, corporate credit card, and hotel accomodations, I'll be serving the shit out of Americans. State fairs, air shows, and 'Taste of (insert city here)' will be the main points of sampling for the Summer.

So what once was just a Wisconsin-only jewel is now becoming an awesome frozen pizza company about to dominate the midwest. The Summer pizza tour is a way for Palermos to grab yet another share of the market segment. Goin to the people. Givin em free pizza. Lovin life. Or something like that.

My restaurant manager looked at my summer calendar for Palermos and said, "Soo, are you a Carney then?" I laughed. But then I thought about it. I think I might be. The marketing president has asked me to blog about our travels and the people and places we come in contact with. I'll also be on Twitter, which i'm not too stoked about. The main subject of Tepid Epics in the upcoming weeks will be to 'tell the real story' about the path to Palermo's glory. When I'm not working, I'll be disc golfing, drinking at foreign bars, and participating in other random shenanigans whenever necessary. I'll post the blogsite and Twitter username when they become available later this month.

I hope you'll still follow me on this crazy upcoming summer journey. Posts will be made whenever I have the ample amount of time to do so. It has the potential to yield some great stories. Only time will tell.

Till then, stay classy...

The Beeroseur: May (The Arrival of New Belgium Brewing!)

2009-05-16T15:16:00.004-05:00

New Belgium Brewing Products are here!!!

All that really needs to be said about this regional event is well-written by beeradvocate.com's founder Jason here.

The Fort Collins, Colorado brewery is known for it's superb amber beer, Fat Tire. Of course, when Three Cellars received its shipment the other day, I sped my way over to buy all 3 22oz. varieties.

New Belgium Fat Tire
From the bottle: Fat Tire Amber Ale's appeal is in its feat of balance: toasty, biscuit-like malt flavors coasting in equilibrium with hoppy freshness. Named in honor of Jeff's mountain bike trip from brewery to brewery through Europe. Fat Tire is still crafted following the original home brew recipe that Jeff brainstormed on this cycling trip.
Alc/Vol: 5.2%
Just a great overall amber. Well balanced, smooth, and tiptoes the line between malty and hoppy flavors. First seen in the basement of my old house because my dad enjoyed it as well. First tasted during college, when (somehow), the grand opening of Fat Jack's in Whitewater, WI had a single 1/2 barrel on tap, after venturing out to CO to get one. Besides being 22oz., another awesome factor of this beer is the label - a small stamp commemorates that Fat Tire is 'Now legally cruising into America's Dairyland'. What took you so long, New Belgium Brewing?
9.1/10

New Belgium 1554
From the bottle:
Alc/Vol:
A highly complex brew. It's old world, malty feel has me slightly puzzled. It's hard to put your tongue on exactly what you're tasting. Regardless, I'm extremely happy the New Belgium Boys 'followed their folly' (sidenote - as an advertising guy at heart - this tagline, themeline, whathaveyou - is slightly awkward. That's another story...) and created this brew. Dark copper brown in color with an off-tan, creamy head. This 'enlightened' ale certainly enlightened my tastebuds.
9.0/10

New Belgium Mothership Wit
From the bottle:
Alc/Vol:
Ah yes - going 'green' and 'organic' is the way to go nowadays. People aiming to reduce their 'carbon footprint' and whatever else conservationists are aiming to do nowadays have a beer for their cause as well. Mothership Wit is, actually, the first organic brew I've tried. And, I was pleasantly surprised. White head stayed around the rim of the glass to chat, much longer than I had anticipated it would. Barely golden in color, Mothership Wit has a weak look to it, but has enough taste to keep the drinker intrigued. Personally, I would choose a different wheat next time, but would buy/try again if the option was out there.
7.9/10

(from right to left: Fat Tire, Mothership Wit, and 1554)
Beer tastes better when it's housed in 22oz bottles! ;)

May Tunes

2009-05-16T10:35:00.002-05:00

BAM! IN YO FACE!

11) Bikini - I remember being young

10) Kid Cudi ft. Wale - Is There Any Love?

9) Sebastien Tellier - Kilometer (A-Trak Main Mix)

8) Wolfmother - Vagabond

7) Wale - The Freestyle (Roc Boys) ((From 'The Mixtape about Nothing))

6) Santogold - Lights Out (David Rubato Remix)

(yes, that is the original video, not the remix)

5) Izza Kizza - Connect the Dots ft. Colin Munroe

4) Dj Class ft. Kanye West & Estelle - I'm the Shit

3) Clipse - Numb it Down ((From their 'Road to till the casket drops' mixtape))

2) Friendly Fires - Skeleton Boy ((Looooove this))

1) Clipse ft. Kanye West - Kinda Like a Big Deal

Yeeeeeah. More posts to follow shortly. We gots alots to discuss.

Fresh Kicks

2009-04-29T18:45:00.002-05:00

So Fresh & So Clean Clean. Yum. Thanks Footaction.

(click for way-too-big hi-res versions)

April Tunes

2009-04-23T02:05:00.002-05:00

For your viewing pleasure...

11) Chiddy Bang - Kids (Ft. MGMT)

10) Thunderheist - Jerk It (sweet video, kinda)

thunderheist - jerk it from thatgo on Vimeo.

9) Royksopp - Happy Up Here

8) Chromeo - Call Me Up (Bag Raiders Remix)

7) Ciara - Love Sex Magic (Chew Fu Small Room Fix)

6) True Pseudo - Freaking Me Out

5) Lykke Li - Little Bit (Villains Remix) *clearly not the official video...lame...only thing i found on sucktube...

4) Huey Lewis & the News - Heart and Soul *hahah this video is so clutch, seriously

3) White Lies - To Lose My Life

2) White Lies - Death

1) White Lies - Price of Love

The Beeroseur: April

2009-04-21T01:15:00.005-05:00

April is halfway gone already, and I haven't put up anything worthwhile yet. Well, how about a post on HOMEMADE (kind of) Beer? Awww shit.

As I had said before, my brother got me a great Christmas present of an at-home Beer making kit. From Bed, Bath, and Beyond of all places (does this mean it came from the 'beyond' section? Remember that mediocre movie 'Click'? God, Kate Beckinsale is so hot. Alas...) Well, after the 4 gallon plastic mini keg sat in a closet for a month, and then the fridge for another month, it was ready to consume. Just follow simple directions of boiling sugar in water, adding the goupy malt mix, and feeding the yeast at the proper time - and sho nuff, I had beer.

From the Label: Meh, too much to write.

Style: Well, the goupy can of 'malt' said Canadian Draught. Why can't they just call it Canadian Draft? It sounds like 'Draft' when you say it...

I am mixing sugar into boiling water. It's beertastic.

Alc/Vol: Unknown

The 3.5 gallon plastic 'Mr. Beer' Keg.
Rating: 7.5

Yet another reason I'm salivating over Summer...

2009-04-05T10:40:00.001-05:00

Zach Galifiniakis is my favorite. Favorite. If you didn't know, now you do...

I never watched ER, but...

2009-04-03T11:39:00.004-05:00

this list, found over at InGameNow, has made me think about that decision...

the 20 Hottest Doctors and Nurses in ER History

Thandie Newton, Maria Bello, Maura Tierney. Yes please.

GIVE THIS GUY 30 CC's of Love Potion Number 9, STAT! CHARGING PADDLES! CLEAR!

"Look out young lady, look out young lady...!"

2009-04-02T15:05:00.002-05:00

Via FanIQ & Awful Announcing...

"Brewers Fan Saves Hot Girl From Certain Death"

Realistically, the video title should be: "Unfortunately, semi-athletic Brewers Fan saves Jersey Chasing "Baseball is Boring" suntanning whore from imminent concussion".

Too bad. Think of the possibilities if he had tripped prior to making that catch. Oh, what could have been...

The Beeroseur: March

2009-03-30T16:00:00.005-05:00

March was a busy month for beer drinking. Let's get right into it.

The Winners:

Tyranena 'The Devil Made Me Do It' Coffee Imperial Porter
From the Bottle: A Big Ol' Black Beer with oatmeal silkiness. Full-Bodied with soothingly rich coffee flavors. Devilishly Delicious.
Alc/Vol: Unknown
Usually oatmeal is an ingredient used in stouts, but Tyranena's Brewers Gone Wild!(A serious of Big, bold, ballsy beers) decided to make an Imperial Porter with it. And the 'from the bottle' description is exactly what I'd say about it. Brewery is located in Lake Mills, just a few clicks west of Mil-town. I will be visiting this brewery soon. Great beer.
8.6/10

Bell's Special Double Cream Stout
From the Bottle: Brewed with a blend of 10 different malts, Double Cream is an incredibly rich stout composed of dark, sweet, and smooth tones intermingled with a soft, roasty finish.
Alc/Vol: 6.1%
Michigan's Bell's Brewery is one of the best in the Midwest. Their Oberon wheat is a staple in many bars even in our area. This double cream stout did not dissappoint. Superb body and aroma. It was hard to find, but if I see it again, you can guarantee I'll pick it up again.
8.5/10

Furthermore Brewing Thermo Re-Fur
From the Bottle: Ale made with red beets and black pepper. Serve in a sinfter or wine glass at 55 degrees fahrenheit.
Alc/Vol: Unknown
Now, this is not the type of beer I usually go for. I don't like fruit beers. I don't like fruit-wheat blends, and I don't prefer lambics. But this brew was honestly the most awkward beer I've ever had the pleasure of tasting. Thermo Re-Fur has a medium body, and the soft fruity nose it has compliments it nicely. Black pepper sediments settle at the bottom, almost demanding you take your time to actually savor this beers amazing flavors. Found at Three Cellars (7133 S 76th St Franklin, WI 53132 - (414) 235-3336. I get most of my awkward beers here. A must visit if you're anywhere in Southern Wisco). Brewed in Black River Falls, WI. CAN YOU SAY ROAD TRIP? I can, and I just did. Highly recommended. Thought I would hate it, but the outcome was quite the opposite.
9.6/10

The Losers:

Left Hand Brewing Company Black Jack Porter
From the Bottle: N/A
Alc/Vol: Unknown
A tasteless porter brewed for the masses. No body, no head, not much nose. As good as their milk stout is, this Black Jack Porter really turned me off. Overall just a boring, bland beer. Don't waste your money.
5.0/10

South Shore Brewery Rhoades' Scholar Stout
From the Bottle: Northern Wisconsin's First Microbrewery Established May, 1995
Alc/ Vol: Unknown
So I poured this stout into my 'beer glass'...and there was ABSOLUTELY no head. None. Whatsoever. How is this even possible? Crap. A poor effort from a brewery that I (did?) badly want(ed) to visit. Straight up boring.
4.9/10

Avery Brewing Co Mephistopheles Stout
From the Bottle: Mephistopheles is the crafty shapeshifter, the second fallen angel; he who does not love light. Herein he patiently lies, waiting and willing to do your bidding, but for a price. Enter into his darkness, a tangled and intricate labyrinth of bittersweet rapture. Brewed with rocky mountain water, malted barley, turbinado sugar, hops and yeast.
Alc/ Vol: 15.92%
That is not a typo. Your eyes do not deceive you. 15.92%. In a 12 oz bottle of destruction. Devil's liquid to say the least. Incredible packaging design as well. Mephistopheles Stout is the final installment of Avery Brewing Co.'s (Colorado) "Demons of Ale" series. (Click here for more info) From the website: Mephistopheles is the crafty shape shifter, the second fallen angel. Amazingly complex, coal black, velvety and liqueurish, this demon has a bouquet of vine-ripened grapes, anise and chocolate covered cherries with flavors of rum-soaked caramelized dark fruits and a double espresso finish. IBU's 107. Sure, that sounds like it might be ok. WRONG. I was so excited to try a beer that had a 15.92% ABV, but all I found was disappointment. As I sipped away, I actually thought, "This brew is literally burning my throat." At $8 a bottle (12oz), I was really hoping I'd enjoy it. Avery is one of the best in the west, but I was choking it down (literally) rather than enjoying it. The beer was remarkably thick. Looked more like Jagermeister than a stout - seriously. So I let it warm up a bit for a few minutes - still terrible. This ale is only for the truly adventurous beer drinker. I couldn't do it.
4.4/10

And there you have it. Next month, is a review of my first HOMEBREW!!! My brother is a smart man who bought me a small 3 gallon beer kit from Bed Bath & Beyond or something. Canadian Draft was the lager made, so that will be reviewed next month. Also went to Sendiks yesterday, where I FINALLY FOUND one of my favorite beers of all time: Atwater Block (Detroit, MI)'s Vanilla Java Porter. Till then,

Cheers!

New Favorite Band Alert!

2009-03-26T20:41:00.002-05:00

Oh My. The name of the band is White Lies. A British indie-rock outfit, formerly known as Fear of Flying. Apparently they've been big in England for awhile, but I'm just getting around to hearing them now. And I am impressed. The musical blogosphere has also praised them for some time now too. I think of them as...Echo & the Bunnymen meet The Killers in the basement of a club that Interpol controls the guest list for. Make sense?

White Lies Wikipedia Page

Blog search of 'White Lies' on HypeM.com

Myspace Page

Thank me later, fellow Americans

Tepid Epics, Everywhere

2009-03-23T16:16:00.002-05:00

Everywhere being Madison...

Glorious sunset, Lake Monona & Madison 'Skyline'

Pet Peeves in the World of Serving.

2009-03-12T14:19:00.005-05:00

As of now, my profession is serving. It's clearly less than glamorous. I've been in the industry on & off for about 3 years now. For the most part - I enjoy it. Human interaction can be interesting, entertaining, and fun when the people you're talking to aren't complete douchebags. As a server, there's a lot of things you have to do well to be successful. Mainly - managing your time correctly, and being able to read the faces of the people at your tables. But with any job, the good comes with the bad. This post will focus on the latter. If you find yourself doing any of the below - stop. This list is in no particular order. You are a customer. I am a server. Let us begin.

(That is not me, but I do want his glove)

1) Running us to death
Server brings food to the table. Usually (if the server is decent) they will ask 'Can I get anything else for you?' Let's say you need some mustard. Server will go and get some mustard. Upon returning to the table with said mustard, another table member suddenly needs a fork. Then someone needs a napkin. Then malt vinegar. HEY JACKASSES - You are not my only table. If possible, try to tell me eeeverything you need when I'm there. Next!

2) By all means, don't acknowledge my presence
To do our job, we have to talk to you. Since I don't know sign language, I have to speak english. So when I come over to greet you - don't sit there and say nothing. Unless you're socially retarded, humans speak when spoken to. You receive messages from the sender, and then you send a new message back. If you have a mouth full of food, or are talking on your cell (another, albeit less annoying pet peeve) - I'll come back. But if you've just been sat, and you're not on your cell phone, and your mouth isn't wired shut - please acknowledge my presence. If this seems weird to you upon reading this - it should. But you'd be amazed at how many people say absolutely nothing, or don't even look at the server when they are approached. Straight silly.

3) Buck up
Whats the thermostat in your residence set at? Probably what you're most comfortable with. Well guess what. The restaurant you're sitting in is not your house. "It's chilly in here." "Dang, you got the heat cranked up in here?" Dear customer: Shut up. Order a coffee if you're cold. Or don't be a skank and wear a halter top with a skirt in the winter when it's below zero. If you're hot - order some ice cream, and don't wear sweatpants if it's 80 degrees out (hypothetical scenario, this has never been witnessed by me...yet) At any rate - if YOU are cold - are you saying we should tamper with the temperature just to suit you? If you haven't noticed, you're dining with a few other dozen people. Just because you weight 89 pounds doesn't mean we're going to change the room temp for you.

4) Insane Modifications
So the turkey burger has onions on it. You want them off? That's fine. But it's shit like this that drives us crazy - "Can you sub rice for the spinach? And can you saute the spinach? Great. And instead of lettuce can I get 3 tomatoes, cut in half? Instead of swiss cheese can I have cheddar AND muenster?" And on and on and on and on. This isn't your kitchen. Don't do insane modifications. It's so unnecessary when you think about it. Plus I write everything down. It's just a huge waste of time for something, like I said, that's usually pretty unnecessary.

5) Admit it: You're finished
You've been letting your food digest for awhile now. Theres a 1 inch bun piece on your plate. Your drink is finished, and your ice is just marinating. You're slouched over in your chair. When I come by to ask if you're done and you say, "no"...or "I'm still working on it" - you're a liar. A mouse would not even eat what's left on your plate. I once had a lady say that she was going to keep her glass to "sip on the ice" because it still "has some gin on it". Admit it: You're finished.

6) Splitting Bills
I understand that sometimes you need to split a bill. Some people have cash, most people use their credit card... and so on and so on. I'm ok with it. It's annoying and time consuming - but it's a part of the job. The problem arises when there's a table of...lets say, 6 or more, and you tell me at the END of the session that you need your bill split. Cool - can you give me about 15 minutes to figure that all out? And if you've ordered multiple rounds of drinks and desserts - you can pretty much forget that. For future reference - if you want to split a bill - tell the server at the beginning of the night. It will make it easier for the server - and ultimately - you'll get better, more efficient service.

7) Don't like it? Don't eat it.
This kills me. Oh, you don't like your steak? Then why did you eat 3/4 of it? If you don't like how your food tastes - DONT EAT IT. Dumbass people try to come in and swindle the place of business into getting a free meal. Fuck off. If you don't like it after having a few bites - let someone know, and 99% of the time it will get taken off the bill, and you'll probably have enough time to order something else. It's amazing how many goofballs try to exploit servers/managers etc into getting free shit. Don't be a jagoff.

8) Your jokes: LAAAAME
Like I stated before. Usually servers will say something to the likes of, "Anything else I can get for you?" at some point in the server/customer sphere. When you come back with 'A million dollars' or 'A bottle of Jack' or 'A wife who would have stayed faithful' - just go die. I could go on forever with this one, but I won't.

9) The doneness of food
There are universal regulations & stuff for cooking food. Some cooks can eye it up, others touch it for doneness - others might even go to extreme lengths of using a meat thermometer (wrong, they'll never do this). Folks - 'medium' means 'some pink'. Get over it. If you order a burger 'well done', do not complain to me that the cooks burned it and there's no flavor. You ordered it that way. Eat it, ya pompous prick. Am I getting worked up over here?

10) If you can't afford to tip...
Then you can't afford to go out. In the days of old, tipping was set on the table before the server even greeted the guest. To "Tip"...actually means 'To Insure Promptness'. The server would show extra care and love depending on how much money the guest put on the table. Little tidbit of knowledge for you. Before you castrate me for bringing this issue up, hear me out. I understand that expecting any sort of tip is purely the customer's discretion. Sure, unless it's stated somewhere on the menu, restaurants do not require it. I don't demand you to tip me. My wage is $2 an hour - it would be nice if you helped me out a biiiit more. The standard seems to be 15%, although some say 18% is more common now. Unless I was speaking portuguese to you while spitting in your soup, 15% is healthy in my book. But if I'm on my game, and have been at or around your table all night as you've racked up a $100 tab, please don't give me anything less than $10. Keep it for yourself. I wish I could come up with a sweet analogy or limmerick or Irish Folktale involving this, but I cannot. For every outrageous tip of 20-25% I've gotten, I've received a 10, 11, or 12% tip the same night. It all works out in the end. I highly doubt anyone reading this has a problem with this one - but really, If you don't want to shell out a little extra for a tip - cook yourself something nice at home.

11) Don't put your shit on other tables
My oh my, what a large coat you have there ma'am! Do you think it deserves its own home on the chair behind you? Interesting, because that chair is at a table that you aren't currently seated at - and now I cannot sit another restaurant patron at that table because of your gaudy coat. Next time please throw your purse, coat, shoes, gloves, earings, douche, and whatever else you might have on you on the floor of the establishment. Because apparently you ARE eating at home. Seriously don't do this. Again I doubt any of you do or have done this, but I'm amazed that people think they can just put there shit on other chairs at other tables. Retarded.

*WHEW* I'm done. Glad to get that off my chest. I'd love to hear feedback on this post. Experiences, sights, sounds, stories. If I'm out of line on any of the above please tell me. If I've missed a point, please write. Until then, enjoy your meal, and I'll be back in a few to check on you...

March Tunes

2009-03-12T13:26:00.002-05:00

Marchin' on

10) Coldplay - Lovers in Japan

9) Flight of the Conchords - Carol Brown

8) Lonely Island - I'm on a Boat (Kue Remix)

7) LMFAO - I'm in Miami, Bitch

6) Asher Roth - I love College (This song makes me so sad)

5) Fever Ray - Dry & Dusty

4) Fever Ray - If I had a Heart

If I Had A Heart from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

3) K'naan - Take a Minute

2) Department of Eagles - No One Does it Like You

1) Fever Ray - When I grow Up

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

During Oscar Thoughts version 3.0

2009-02-26T23:57:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again. I figured I've done it twice, let's do it a third time. As an added bonus, sort of - I decided to write my picks down for who I thought would win in the main categories. I did pretty well considering the fact that I had only seen 2 (!!!) of the nominated movies (The Dark Knight and Milk). Again, I give you - Thoughts on the Oscars...

Wow Hugh Jackman is tan. Nevermind - Anne Hathaway is just still really, really pale.

Well, I still want to fuck Penelope Cruz. 1 Oscar pick wrong, 16 more to go.

Tina Fey & Steve Martin - I want to go to there.

Brent: "How much do you think it cost to make that mini animated short for the Oscars?" I don't know, but probably a lot.

Saank you, sank you, sank you. Says the Japanese man who can't speak English. Want some Sanka? How does the Jap win for a French animated film? And Domo Origato Mr. Roboto? Is it racism if you make fun of your own culture?

Brent: "When did Sarah Jessica Parker get boobs? Me: "Since always. Don't you remember Hocus Pocus? They were the only reason I watched it."

Benjamin Button wins for Art Direction. I'm 3 for 5.

8:19pm. Brent goes upstairs to talk to Jess. Whatta homo.

The Duchess wins for costume design. I saw that Kiera Knightley was in it. Neat. If you know me, you know I like my skinny girls. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I think she might be too skinny. Someone give that ho a bacon cheeseburger.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is just that for me - as I have not seen it.

Listen ladies. I look better than Robert Pattison from Twilight. A park bench looks better than him. A rank, clothesless homeless man begging for change on Marquettes campus has a chance to look more attractive than that guy. I don't understand women at all, it's clear.

I would absolutely destroy Natalie Portman. DESTROY.

A part of me is really happy for Robert Downey Jr. His current movie roles have been entertaining and inspiring. Years ago, he was a struggling drug addict. His turnaround is good to hear. The other part of me thinks that he's just putting on a front, and is a complete asshole. I say he winds back up in rehab at some point in the future. Heard it here first.

I love James Franco. Nuff said.

Billy Corgan is still the worst sounding vocalist in the last 20 years.

Beyonce is lip synching. I think. But that's ok cuz I don't think she's on steroids. I'll have to ask her ass though, cuz that thing looks juiced. Wait, maybe she's not lip synching. Now i'm unsure. Well this was pointless.

Dear Mr. Arkin. It's Phillip Seymour Hoffman, not Seymour Phillip Hoffman. Ouch, man.

Zach Effron looks like Jared Leto, A LOT.

Well that's it. Nothing groundbreaking, unfortunately. Here's my Oscar picks - Green Highlighted picks mean I was right. Red means wrong. Winner in parentheses. I did well, even without reading any 'favorites' columns on the topic.

1) Leading Actor: Mickey Rourke (Sean Penn)
2) Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
3) Leading Actress: Kate Winslet
4) Supporting Actress: Viola Davis (Penelope Cruz)
5) Animated Film: Wall-E
6) Art Direction - Benjamin Button
7) Cinematography - Slumdog Millionaire
8) Costume Design - Milk (The Duchess)
9) Directing - Slumdog Millionaire
10) Documentary - Encounters from... (Man on Wire)
11) Documentary Short - Witness (Smile Pinki)
12) Editing - Slumdog Millionaire
13) Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire
14) Sound - The Dark Knight
15) Sound Mixing - The Dark Knight (Slumdog Millionaire)
16) Adapted Screenplay - Doubt (Slumdog Millionaire)
17) Original Screenplay - Milk

That's Tepid, yo.

Fever Ray - "When I Grow Up" video

2009-02-25T11:41:00.002-06:00

So I saw this video / heard this song on another blog. I was going to give credit where credit was due - until I realized that every other edgy musica blog has already covered this. Either way - amazing song with amazing visuals. Enjoy.

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

Feb Tunes:

2009-02-07T14:08:00.003-06:00

13) Ting Tings - We Walk
12) Katy Perry - Hot N Cold (LMFAO Remix)
11) Flo Rida ft. Katy Perry - Right Round (Ross.Fm Club Mix)
10) Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
9) Midfield General - Disco Sirens (Blacklight Flashlight Remix)
8) Peter Bjorn & John - Young Folks (Klumpfisk Remix)
7) English Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom
6) Paramore - Decode
5) Cut Copy - Far Away (Ddpesh Remix)

4) Hercules & Love Affair - Blind

3) Clint Mansell - Dead Reckoning

2) Submarines - You and me and Bourgeoisie

1) Mint Royale - Show Me

Meet Gil

2009-02-07T13:56:00.005-06:00

This normally wouldn't be a big deal for most of you reading this, but it was for me at the time.

Last week, I finally shot a firearm. OH THE POWER. I have these small baby-hands, you see, so I wasn't as sharp as I would have liked to have been, but oh well. Not gonna go into details, but a huntin' pal of mine took me to a shooting range with his Glock .40 and .357 magnum. The glock was simple and easy to shoot after I got the hang of it. The magnum was like shooting a fucking cannon. The recoil was absurd.

So anyways, here's Gil:

(click for hi-res)

Gil tried to shoplift, and we caught him in the act. Gil is now deceased, but is survived by 1,000,000 identical siblings.

It's Rice.

2009-02-06T23:04:00.004-06:00

Something just isn't right about this.

I mean, It's rice. How can you improve the taste & texture of white rice? Seriously. It's a tasteless starch. Used for color and/or carbohydrates in various dishes. Kraft must think the consumer as a whole is retarded. I believe rice has been around for a few thousand years, no? Let's consult the all-knowing wikipedia:

"...rice has been cultivated for 3500 years. Between 1500 and 800 BC, O. glaberrima propagated from its original centre, the Niger River delta, and extended to Senegal. However, it never developed far from its original region. Its cultivation even declined in favour of the Asian species, possibly brought to the African continent by Arabs coming from the east coast between the 7th and 11th centuries CE..."

Got it. As an ever-curious student of advertising and package design, this just bothers me. I just want to know which executive, or project coordinator, or graphic designer thought it would be a brilliant idea to put that NEW & IMPROVED! stamp on there. I just hope no one (myself included) bought a box of WHITE RICE because of that snazzzy lil new & improved claim on the top there. After all, it's rice.

It's rice.

The Beeroseur: January

2009-01-27T15:19:00.010-06:00

In this first installment of 'The Beeroseur', I decided to review not 1, not 2, but 3 brews! It's a rough job, but someone (not really) has to do it.

Rewind 3 days ago. It's 8:00pm on a Saturday and my buddy Tom and I decide to take a trip to the alcoholic's mecca: Discount Liquor. This place is glorious. Not only do they have an incredible amount of rare brews, but those brews are priced ridiculously cheap. Example: Chambly Noire, a Canadian dark brew, was priced at $6.99 for a table beer (750mL). At my restaurant, we sell Chambly Noire by the glass for $7, for about an 8oz pour. Think about that. This Discount Liquor place is amazing. On to the reviews:

Sprecher Black Bavarian
From the bottle: This intensely dark Kulmbacher-style lager has a superb malt complexity with the distinctive flavors and aromas of carmelized and chocolate malts. A renowned smoothness and a creamy, tan head make it a world champion.
Alc/Vol: 6.0%

Oh wow. This beer has recently become one of my favorites due to my recent visit to the Sprecher Brewery 2 weeks ago. I don't know what Kulmbacher style is, nor do I care - this beer is the shit. Tastes of chocolate & carmel malts, just as the label described. It's also housed in 16oz bottles rather than 12oz bottles, which is a good or bad thing depending on how you look at it. It's opaque color is rather inviting. I'd recommend it to anyone who is afraid of dark beers, because it's sweet flavor is strangely unique. Imagine chocolate beer. You have Sprecher Black Bavarian. The 4 pack was polished off quickly. Milwaukee knows suds.

Maredsous 10 Triple
From the bottle: Maredsous 10 is a golden bodied triple with festive sparkle, creamy body, and luscious head. You'll revel in its balanced, long, and warm finish. This ale underwent secondary fermentation in the bottle and was cellared to fully develop its flavors and aromas. Maredsous Abbey ales are brewed in Belgium, using the traditional methods of the Benedictine Monks of Maredsous, whose abbey dates back to 1878.
Alc/Vol: 10%

In a Beeroseur first, I present to you: The 'Table Beer'. Meant for sharing, the table beer comes in a delicious size of 1 pint, 9.4 fluid ounce bottle. Equaling about 25.4 fl. oz., or 750 mL. It's golden color was pleasing to the eye, and was deadly to the soberness factor. A very dangerous beer, as it tastes very crisp and light, but will MESS YOU UP. A 10% abbey triple ale? Almost unheard of. I'll tell you one thing - those Belgian monks know what they're doing. And apparently, they have 230 years. We sell the 'Maredsous 8' at the bar I work at - a thick, toffee flavored dubbel that's also very strong. To be honest, I prefer this one even though they're completely different. No bitterness whatsoever, and a crisp bite that lingered at the end of every sip made the Maredsous 10 one that I'll be enjoying again very soon. Recommended for anyone who enjoys good beer.

At this point in the night, Tom and I are failing at Call of Duty: World at War, and have decided to watch a George Carlin special on HBO. George Carling was a funny old prick. We realize we're buzzed, which usually isn't normal for finishing about 4 glasses of beer. Strange how things work when you dont drink Miller or Coors shit. We laugh, we talk, we. . . throw coasters at a cat. Just your average Saturday Night I suppose. For the nightcap...

Unibroue Chambly Noire
From the bottle: This premium dark ale honours the brave soldiers of the Carignan-Salieres Regiment and their traditional black hats. In 1665, the Regiment is dispatched to New France by King Louis XIV to settle hostilities with the Iroquois.
Alc/Vol: 6.2%

Lol what? So, the beer is dark to pay homage to the regiment's hat color? Nothing screams 'Victory' like taking on the savage Iroquois Indians! Did I mention this beer is CANADIAN? Lol I'm so confused by this. You should see the label: Some puffy-shirt wearing mother fucker pointing into the sunset with a pencil-thin douchebaggy mustache. If I have any Canadian readers - please accept my apologies. Perhaps I'm just being difficult. My beer snobbiness has caught up with me. For as much of a beer snob that I may think I am, I have no idea what 'Dark Ale on Lees' means, which is also written on the label next to said puffy shirt, douchebag lookin soldier guy. Chambly Noire, in my opinion, is an older, more distant cousin to the Sprecher Black Bavarian. Both are black in color, but the Chambly has a lighter and sweeter taste. Whereas the Sprecher Black is thick - Chambly Noire is lighter-loooking, and less heavy. When poured correctly, the Chambly Head appears to be slightly more inviting. The night was a bit fuzzy at this point, so I'm sad to say I really can't remember any descriptive undertones. It does have quite the chocolate nose though. And priced at $5.99, you really can't beat it. (The Maredsous 10 was also $5.99. I don't know how Discount Liquor makes any money...)

Well that was anti-climactic. My favorite part is at the end, when Tom asks "Are we gonna open the Barley-Wine?" I respond with, "I hope not". Barley Wine will really mess people up most of the time, as it's fermented differently and usually has a high alcohol content. Toppers was also ordered during this process, to refresh the pallette. Actually that's wrong. It was ordered because we had the drunk munchies. How about some pointless videos of us throwing coasters at an old cat? Complete with Jackass-inspired intro:

pictures? (Please Click for Hi-Res)

George Carlin makin us laugh. Also picured is a 'Peninsula Porter' from Shipwrecked Brewery in Door County, WI.

Coaster Kitty.

Zeus is not amused.

The models posing...

Till next month, fellow beer lovers!

Hard Hitting Questions

2009-01-24T18:42:00.005-06:00

I've had a few of these written down for some time now. I may have even asked you one or two of them at some point. Some I've found the answers to, others I've not. Without further ado, I bring to you - Hard hitting questions.

1.) Has anyone evaluated Eddie Murphy for Schizophrenia? How about narcissism?

2.) Do elderly people actually enjoy their medical marijuana? Do they sit around watching Murder She Wrote all lit up? Do they fiend for it? "Delores, would you mind handing me that spliff that's on the end table there? I got a craving for the sticky".

3.) Do photographers have to stop photo shoots if any of the dudes get a chubby? I mean, if there was a naked/near-naked model hunched over in my crotchal region, my mind might start to wander...

4.) Do people who sport the mullet ask for one when they go get a haircut? Or do they say "Take a little off of the sides, leave the top, front and back all white-trashy please".

5.) Why are fat people such good singers? It's not like their lungs have a lot of air capacity. You know, cuz fat people have a hard time breathing and all.

6.) What does a joint Taco Bell / Long John Silvers kitchen smell like? Mexican seafood, or Fishy Mexican? Is there a difference?

7.) If cartoon characters don't need to wear pants, then why do most wear shirts?

8.) Say you're showing your double-wide trailer. Is it still called an open house?

9.) Would you believe Morgan Freeman if he said 2+2=3 ? I'd like to think most of us would.

10.) Do girls pee in the shower too?

11.) If the badger is Wisconsin's state animal, how come I've never seen one?

Winter Update

2008-12-19T14:38:00.002-06:00

Greeeee-tings! Blogger tells me I have one follower. That's great news! Cuz I'm gonna give that one follower, and all the other stalkers of Tepid Epics an update on my life, and what's to come in the future.

Tomorrow I turn 25 years of age. Am I where I'd like to be? Obviously not, but let's roll with it. 6th annual ugly Christmas sweater party is also tomorrow, and this makes me grin with glee. Held in the glorious city of Stoughton, Wisconsin, it seems like a good time to be had by all.

If you've been following this space at all, you've realized that it lacks any real focus. But that's about to change. In addition to the 'Tunes of the Month' feature, I've decided to add 3 other segments per month, if I can keep up:

1) "Beerosseur" - No, this is not a Dinosaur that indulges in beer. It's a beer connoisseur, or, a Beerosseur. I'm a self-proclaimed beer snob, and every month, I'll be writing about a superb new, or old beer that my palate heavily enjoys. And since I've recently become employed by a small Belgian beer restaurant, this column will never be empty. I have cut down on my alcohol consumption (see 10 things to do before i turn 25 blog from February 2008) and I don't really think this column will change that. Hopefully.

2) "She's Got Talent" - A little title I came up with to describe attractive women. The internet is filled with no-name hometown sweethearts. I'll scour it to find the best of the best. Think of it as the hot chick o the month. Could be entertaining.

3) The "F@*&ed Dream of the Month" - I have strange dreams. Really strange dreams lately, as I play CoD: WaW before I go to bed every night. If I can remember one really messed up dream in particular, odds are it will go here. Sex dreams not applicable.

So that's that. Nothing else new to report, besides the heavy blanket of STUPID snow on the ground that's preventing me from....well, going anywhere really. Stay tuned for my thoughts on Rice, a majestic pair of pants that will be retired soon, and some hard-hitting questions.

Here is a picture:

September / October Tunes

2008-11-26T11:13:00.002-06:00

I'm not apologizing for my absence this time. My life is in shambles and I gots no time for this blog. In addition, some monthly changes will be made soon to the blog which will be discussed in a future post. For now, break out your p2p or torrent thingamambobber and DL these tunes from Sept. & Oct.

Sept:
10) Justice - Planisphere (Part 1)
9) Love and Rockets - No New Tale to Tell
8) City Sleeps - Not an Angel
7) Joshua Radin - Closer
6) Gnarls Barkley - Just Do It
5) Plies - Watch Dis
4) The Cool Kids - Nigga Please
3) EPMD - Run It (Duke Dumont Remix)
2) Adam Tensta - Dope Boy (Neon Blak GT Mix)
1) Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal (Telemitry Remix)

October:
12) Carolina Liar - I'm not over
11) Gangstarr - Battle
10) Friendly Fires - Lovesick
9) Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
8) Kings of Leon - Molly Chambers
7) Kaiser Chiefs - Never Miss a Beat (Run Hide Survive Remix)
6) Lauren Flax ft. Sia - You've Changed
5) Kanye West - Love Lockdown (LMFAO Remix)
4) Karate - There are Ghosts
3) Kings of Leon - Closer
2) Murs - Can it be (half a million dollars and 18 months later)
1) Murs - A part of me

Seperated at Birth?

2008-09-16T14:33:00.012-05:00

These gentlemen have to be related.

Actor Bradley Whitford from Billy Madison and ESPN reporter/annoyance Jeremy Schaap:

Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith, followed by funnyman Will Ferrell:

The Amish Country Ohio Adventure (Part 2)

2008-09-11T23:20:00.003-05:00

Saturday morning I was awoken at 9:30am again to start the day. The agenda (my Aunt literally prepared a day-by-day itinerary for us to follow, if we wanted to) for the day was to attend an Amish Horse auction for awhile, then go to a few country furniture stores and some more antique malls.

We all stopped at the Mount Hope horse auction. The amount of horses & buggies parked outside was astronomical. They seemed to stretch as far as the eye could see. Inside the barn, we could not believe our eyes. Hundres of Amish men, gazed only on the 20 foot horse-run in front of them. It was a massive sea of straw hats. The auctioneer, who couldnt have been more than 30, was spitting out random horse facts like a gatling gun spits bullets. It obviously smelled of horse shit in there, so I laughed heartily when my grandma (mom's side) took a step in the barn & said, "Oooh, it STINKS in here." Wow, ya think? We stuck around for about 5 minutes, watching Amish teens race their horses around, in hopes that a straw-hat clad man in the bleachers would throw up his hand, signifying a bid. The frustrating part of the Amish is that they strongly discourage pics taken of them. A part of me wants to be an asshole & snap pics like a tourist, giving the excuse "well, I'll never see them again". The other part of me knows better, and since I've come to respect their way of life, I've respected their wishes not to be photographed. (Note - of course, on the last day of my trip, my Aunt informed me that they 'allow'pics of them to be taken, they just won't 'pose' for any. Wish I would have known that at this time, as the view of a hundred straw hat men hunched over in bleachers was quite a spectacle. But, the few non Amish people (us) that were there already stood out like a sore thumb, so the flash would have made things MIGHTY awkward. Anyways..)

The next stop was the Ashery Country store. They specialized in handmade jams, jellies, cooking ingredients, organic foods & more. I bought some organic spinach spaghetti, corn salsa, black raspberry seedless jelly, and bacon horseradish veggie dip mix. Next stop, my mom & dad and the gang went to Lehman's Furniture & Amish museum. There was a small flea market outside the 3 building complex, which my parents always go for. I bought 2 beer mirror/signs, a flour advertising tin, and 5 old car/ santa claus advertisements. Before I bought those, I went into the overpriced Lehman's store and bought something. I'll give you one guess. Yup - bought a an Amish straw hat and wore it proudly around the grounds. One of the vendors, after buying the flour tin said, "Where'd you get that hat?" He was a middle-aged, tanned man with a black t-shirt that was about 6 sizes too small. "In the general store," I replied. "How much they want for it?" "12 bucks". "The Amish will be talkin to ya in no time with that hat on." For some reason, I wasn't sure what to say back. I kinda froze actually. So I say back, "Oh, we don't want that, do we. I better watch out!" I had no idea why I said that. With a heavy cackle, he continued, "They'll be askin you to marry their daughters, they will!"

I took the hat off.

This was the 2nd reference to Amish desperation! Earlier yesterday I remember hearing my aunt say something to the likes of "expanding the gene pool". Reluctantly, I told my parents about Mark's Amish $5k offer, and they of course didn't believe it. It's 5pm now, and we're on our way to the family style Amish Dinner. I'm expecting good things.

We pulled up to a small white Amish farmhouse about quarter to 7. 17 of us in tow now, seated in a small room on benches. There was a few skylights that brought a small amount of light into the room. Tiny decorative china plates that had the 50 states on them were hung from the rafters. The floor was composed of black & white tiles. 2 Amish women arrived with some fresh baked bread and homemade sweet & sour coleslaw. Butter, strawberry and black raspberry jam, and Amish peanut butter were laid out for bread toppings. This Amish peanut butter was insane. It's already sweet as it is, but then they add marshmallow fluff in it. I felt like having a heart attack everytime I looked at it, let alone when I ate it. They then offered sweet spearmint tea, with mint grown fresh from their garden. I didn't have any. Next came buttery whipped mashed potatoes, followed by chicken stuffing. The highlight of the meal, oddly enough, was the corn. I had 3 helpings. It was ridonculous. Kernels cut straight from the cob earlier in the morning. Drenched in butter, simmering in a porcelain serving bowl. Calling me to serve him up on my plate. Oh god, the corn, how i miss thee. Then came the mac & cheese. Then gravy. Then more bread. It was a miracle I didn't have to be rolled out of that room like Violet Beauregard a la Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. But oh no, this stomach overhaul wasn't done yet. Then came the baked chicken and the roast beef. Then came the 2 huge bowls of date pudding, which sounds gross, but was very good, of course. My intestines were on the brink of explosion. At that very moment, the Amish officially started to mock me. Out of the kitchen, came the 2 Amish ladies in aprons, wheeling 2 gigantic carts out with about 50 slices of pie on them.

I wanted to punch myself in the face. Pie selections included (from memory) elderberry, peanut butter creme, brown cherry, and custard. I opted for peanut butter creme. Which was an awfully good selection. I took 3 bites & it was as if I'd popped 40 sugar cubes into my mouth. It was a delicious high-calorie mess topped with whipped cream. So, after those 3 bites, I threw in the towel. I defined the word 'overeating'. I defy you, though, to find a better home-cooked meal anywhere else in the midwest. If you think you have a winner, let me know. The herd parted ways, and I spent the rest of the night digesting food and sitting next to a fire that My Aunt's husband's daughter and her boyfriend and I made, while somehow drinking some MGD on tap downstairs (He had a quarter barrel in a mini fridge!) The rain ended up snuffing our fire out a little after midnight. It also meant the next day that our vacation was over.

Sun. Aug 10, 2008

I woke up to the sound of glass shattering. Which is true, but I've always wanted to write that, and mean it. PJ was bringing the coffee maker & coffee potup the stairs when the pot slid off & broke into a million angry shards of glass. This event is actually somewhat important, as it marked the 3rd day in a row, on a vacation, that I didn't sleep past 10am. Yeah , I'm impressed too. I took a shower and packed. After gathering all my stuff, I marched it all the way up her ridiculously steep driveway. My aunt had planned a Lebanese / Syrian feast for lunch. I had never had any Lebanese food, so I was looking forward to it. Available were hummus, grape leaves with rice, taboulleh, pita bread, bahklavva, and a bunch of other things that I can't pronounce. It did not disappoint.

The Amish Country Ohio Adventure (Part 1)

2008-09-10T00:05:00.008-05:00

The following is the word-for-word account of my trip to Ohio.

Thurs. Aug 7th, 2008

So my Aunt Jill has a lake house cabin in a gated Amish community in rural Ohio. That's really all the information I needed to know to go on this trip. My mom's side of the family is pretty mysterious - I haven't met hardly any of her extended family, and apparently, in the weeks leading up to this mini vacation, word got around that this little soiree was turning into a family reunion of sorts.

My knowledge of the Amish is quite slim. I know little of the culture, or why they do the things they do. When I served at Randy's in college, I remember one late Thursday night when a group of 6 Amish people walked in. And when I mean 'walked in' - I literally mean 'walked in' - they arrived by . . . foot. A few beers were ordered and the women ordered a few alcoholic fruity drinks. One - a tequila sunrise; an odd choice for a bonnetted woman, you must say. The meal was served, and thus far, Amish people were just normal people who didnt drive cars and wore fucked up clothes from the civil war era. So imagine my surprise when I came to present the check, the mother was letting her INFANT drink from the straw of her tequila sunrise. I almost lost my shit right in front of them, but managed to hold my laughter in long enough to not be rude. Didn't matter anyways, as I got about a 10% tip on a $50 bill. So one thing I know about the Amish is that they're cheap.

A few weeks ago, I was at abar with 'Mark' - former co-owner & brewmaster of Randy's. I told him about this trip. His eyes lit up upon hearing this. He starts to tell this elaborate schpiel about how Amish families are inbred. Whether or not this is true, I have no clue. He continues to tell me how desperate these Amish families are to break the inbreeding chain that they will offer up to $5k for a studly young man to "plow their daughters", as Mark put it. I laughed. At this point I'm not believing him, so he continues to say that the 'act' is more of a ceremony. The girl wears this multi-layered, frilly dress witha very small slit in the crotchal region. The father IS in attendance, in the room, most likely wielding a large wooden mallet, ready to bonk you if it looks like you're actually enjoying yourself (I made that part up). That really concludes Mark's crazy "Amish people are inbred" story. Now, I won't be participating in the sexual conquest of a young Amish lass, but I will be looking for A) slightly odd looking people that resemble that really ugly thing from The Goonies, and B) a young gentleman, witha fat wallet and a look of pure regret on his face.

As I write this, it's 7:21am, and we're somewhere in Porter Co., Indiana. Both mother and father are desperately trying to figure out the Garmin navigation system. It's hilarious. I'm tired as hell, as I worked at the bar till midnight, had a pizza, packed, and finally arrived home at 3am. My dad had the assonine idea to leave at 5am to beat the Chicago traffic this morning. But, of course it was busy & sucked anyways. Finally, my mom just informed me that we'll be having dinner at an actual Amish home. "Like a restaurant in an Amish home?" I say. "No, like an actual families house," she replied. She was serious. I'm scared, yet excited at the same time. You KNOW something ridiculous will happen at that. It's like I'll be participating on an episode of Fear Factor: Amish Edition. Let's play...

9:53am
Mom made a mix cd for the trip. I thought Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music" was an awkward choice, but she definitely surpassed it with "Hollaback Girl" immediately following. I have no words. Dad - "This might be one of the worst songs I've ever heard." Hahah AWESOME! Dad made it to 9:56 - love it.

1:07pm
So Ohio looks exactly like Wisconsin, just a tad more hilly. The scenery is a mirror image. Rolling hills...oak, maple, pine, and willow trees scatter the landscape. Numerous times we discussed the resemblance to mid-northern WI. Gray, drab tiny 1 bedroom houses on the side of the road no less than 20 feet away, battered by what I can only imagine as a less menacing winter. Silly-named towns, villages, and obscure little shops (like Jake's Handcrafted Oak!) are also prevolent. It's summer, obviously, and all is a vibrant shade of green. It may be boring at times, but I still have love for the midwest. Gas was as low as $3.57, a sure bargain.

1:21pm

Stuck behind our first horse & buggy. Sure enough - a sweet shaggy white beard adorned the driver's ancient face. I hope I see more of this.

1:45pm

Just got out of the Millersburg Walmart. Suspenders, beards...solid colored dresses & bonnets. Shit is awesome. Bought 2 disposable cameras - don't have the heart to my mom I lost the digital camera in Minneapolis that she bought me for Xmas 2 years ago.

Fri. Aug 8th, 2008

Last night was pretty unventful, but interesting. A few of my mom's relatives stopped by. (Names withheld) ate some pizza. Amazingly entertaining though, was watching the hummingbirds divebomb each other like Japanese Kamikaze pilots. It was insane. Literally 4-5 feet away from us, these nutjob birds would chase each other around like prepubescent grade-schoolers near the swingsets at recess. These swingsets though, were sugar water feeders. No matter was the conversation was, we'd stop to marvel at these miles-per-minute birds. I can't really write how cool it was.

Today at 10am, a caravan consisting of 3 cars - all of which contained more of my mom's distant family - drove to the Herschberger Antique Mall. Along the way we were given a lesson in Amish culture by our gracious host Aunt Jill. A highlight was the 1-room schoolhouse on the edge of a farm field. The only bathroom - an outhouse - had 2 sides - one for boys, one for girls. She also lent me 2 Amish books to read so I wouldn't be so naive with the Amish subject. I'll tell you what I now know.

Her lakehouse, on Lake Buckhorn, is nestled in Holmes county Ohio. Holmes County is home to the World's largest Amish communities. I asked her what the ratio of Amish to English Americans is, and she (and I believe that there are more Amish. There are two types of Amish: The menanites, and the Amish. The Menanitesare more, well, liberal - and can have electricity and drive cars and have credit cards. Whereas the Amish use zero technology and specifically use the horse & buggy to get around. THe main question I've always asked myself was if they can have the technology, why not use it? The main reason they don't is because they have the mentality that their ancestors were fine without technology and electricity, so they should be ok too. I respect them highly, I really do. On the way to the antique mall, we encountered numerous horse-drawn buggies. The women all wear dull colored, calf length dresses. They don't / can't cut their hair, so they put it neatly in a bonnet. The men have a vast variety of options: white, brown, gray, or black. All wear suspenders, which kick ass, and have a full, perhaps rogaine-induced beard & mutton chops combo. Basically even if I wanted to be Amish, I'd be ostricized due to my lack of ability to grow facial hair. These are the thickest, longest beards I've ever seen. ZZTop would be jealous. Amish families live off the land and the farm animals that inhabit it. ALthough, I should say, most young Amish have jobs that you and I would have- general stores, diners...etc. Factoid for you: The Amish are so family oriented, and such great craftsmen, that they can build a barn in an entire day. Yes, during daylight hours. 20 of them, an entire family, can erect a BARN. Saw pictures and a timeline of it in a book - not in real life. But my aunt did say that she witnessed one.

The antique mall we went to was a great one. It had been a long time since I had been in one. Naturally I looked for old advertising relics. The place had 3 huge white barns filled with mirrors, furniture, anything - you name it, they had it. Struck gold when I finally eyed up an antique display case with vintage glass soda bottles.

On the way back we stopped at a family diner in the town of Berlin. It was decent. There was, I shit you not, a menu item called "Fried Mush". What kind of human being would you have to be to bypass, say, a turkey club, baked chicken, or fried perch, and get the "Fried Mush"? Mmm. Sounds good, I'll have that...

On the way back to the lakehouse, we saw the highlight of Friday. On the side of the road, near an Amish home driveway, was a kid...pulling another kid. Picture if you will: A small blonde boy, with a blue harness strapped to his shoulders & hips, pulling, actually running another Amish child sitting in a small cart. Eager fingers at the reigns. Swear to god it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. Kicking up dust in his little Amish boots, telling his brother to "run faster!", straw hats barely grasping the boys' scalp. Amazing.

After jumping in the lake back at the house, we talked & drank for a few hours on the pontoon boat and then headed to a restaurant called the Farmstead Buffet - all 14 of us. It was ok. I capped off the night by finishing up my Great Dane Belgian Pale Ale (Holmes County is a dry county - minus the wal mart) and Capital Brewery WI Amber by a small bonfire overlooking the lake. My Aunt, her husband, and I sat on our backs and watched shooting stars all night. It was beautiful.

Ridiculous Excerpts from Amish Publications

2008-09-08T16:13:00.005-05:00

As I always do, I'll start out this post by apologizing for the lack of posts lately. It's been a crazy couple of months over on my end. In between moving to another city and quitting both of my mediocre jobs, I haven't had a lot of time for blogging. But, as I patiently wait to get scooped up by, well, anyone - I have a small amount of free time to get back in the swing of things.

In early August, my family headed out to my Aunts lakehouse located smack-dab in the middle of Amish country Ohio. In three words: It Was Awesome (my next post will be taken directly from what I wrote about the trip). This post will be dedicated to the INSANE words of some of the Amish newspapers and publications strewn around various little townships in Holmes county. In no way have the following been altered - these excerpts are the real deal. Thousands and thousands of these publications are distributed weekly/monthly, and they are (for the most part) hilarious:

These are not the tomatoes and peppers that you buy at your local roadside market. They are shipped in from Mexico and California. You will never see the people who raise them. ou can't ask the farmers questions about their food safety. Instead they are raised on huge mega-farms by migrant workers and are shipped by trucks burning Osama Bin Laden's petroleum to your local supermarkets and taco bell stores.

-The Vendor, July 30, 2008

So it's an article on Food Safety that warps into a Bin Laden gas thing? Wtf?

" 'Cherokee' Mike Edmonson remembers what he was doing when he heard the news that three members of the band Lynyrd Skynyrd had been killed in a 1977 plane crash. "I had just come out of the high school gym from wrestling practice at Maple Heights," Edmonson remembers. "I got in my Camaro, turned the radio on and heard the news. I couldn't believe that plane went down. Right then, I thought, "Skynyrd's done".
-Holmes County Fair Preview, August 7, 2008

Good god the visual stereotype can't get any better...

" Dear Farmer John: Can someone tell me how to pickle tongue? I am 86 years young and like the old fashioned things. I would also like to get some cracklins like we used to make on butchering day. Thank you and your readers so much. VC, Louisville, KY"
-Holmes County Shopper News, August 7, 2008

Ain't nothin better than pickled tongue!

And now, by far the best section of any paper I've ever read. In the Sugar Creek, Ohio's Budget, there's a front page section titled 'Letters from Home'. Yes, the following are on the FRONT PAGE:

"Clare, Michigan. July 29th...We have a local bakery that is kind of handy to have close by. Donuts and fry pies were ordered for Sat. breakfast and the fry pies for dessert in the p.m. Now for the most I'd recommend these to anyone. We learned you'd best check the fry pies as they may contain foreighn objects. The first one was filled with a paper towel (was discovered when broken in half for a small child). The second was like Billy goat gruff's pie, nothing in it, and the last was filled with a hard boiled egg. I bet they didn't think of this end of the joke. Mrs. Herman Stutzman"

" Bloomington, Wisconsin. July 28...Some fellow came to the door of Ruth Miller (Ezra) recently and asked for night crawlers. But she badly misunderstood and thought he asked for neck collars. Don't know if her southern accent (hearing) had kicked in or what happened. She originally comes from KY. She sent him over to the harness shop for those "neck collars". We all had a good laugh. Mrs. Lonnie Yoder."

" Thompsontown Pennsylvania. July 28...There was another load gone fishin in the deep sea at N.J. on Fri. and had lots of fish to bring home. Joseph Peachey and a neighbor were recently out fishing on the Juniata River in his motorboat (trolling) when they caught a small bass and were reeling it in when they got a sharp jerk and had to fight to get their catch in, a 27" walleye which had swallowed the bass and got hooked on the lure besides. Katie E. Yoder"

So watch out for those prankster bakeries, southern-speakin Amish, and fish-eatin fish. Good laughs all around. I saved all the brochures, newspapers, and publications for future lolz-fests. Stay tuned for the (very long) Amish Country Ohio Adventure blog...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TRADE RICKIE WEEKS

2008-07-29T08:57:00.003-05:00

Can we trade this fuckin guy already? Anyone want a lackluster second baseman that doesn't live up to his potential? No?

The Crew just acquired veteran Ray Durham - who's currently batting .290.
Hmm, let's take a gander at Mr. Weeks' average the past 4 years: 2005(.239),
2006(.279), 2007(.235), 2008(.224)

I'm so sick of hearing about him. "This will be his year!" "It's gonna be his breakout season!" I'm sorry, but his numbers have never been stellar - especially for someone who was the #2 pick of the 2003 draft.

And the double play ball that never was last night. Oh. My. Gosh. Sure, Derek Lee may have been called safe if Prince catches the ball, but it was NOWHERE NEAR HIS GLOVE. Superb throw, Rickie. But yes, go ahead and blame the errant throw on a hard slide by Reed Johnson. That play, in my opinion, changed the face of the game last night.

He's gotta go. But - who wants him?

Not I...Not I

Snakes on a Jake

2008-07-22T18:43:00.010-05:00

I wandered over to Drunkn Butterfly today to scope out their going out of business sale. Drunkn Butterfly is a small clothing boutique nestled on Johnson St here in Madison. They specialize in Nike, Adidas, Reebok and other reissued shoes that own the nu-old-skool look. Along with a limited supply of apparel, DB also holds small art events for local and national artists alike. The owners are moving to New York, and therefore, everything must go - and at 50% off, I needed to pay a visit. I picked up these beauties:

Nike Air Stab Premium 'Python Pack'. Faux (i think?) snakeskin print modeled after the World's most powerful snake - the Python. I bought into the gimmick - but whatever - they're f'in hot. And for $50, this purchase was a no brainer. Also bought 2 t-shirts, but the focus is on the kicks, yo.

Word.

http://www.drunknbutterfly.com/

I Can Read!

2008-07-21T15:45:00.007-05:00

Oddly enough, I've been reading lately. Not just on the internet, either. Like actual books. And not just books with pictures. But CHAPTER books. I know, it all seems too strange. But it's the truth. And the one book I read inspired me to read another. And yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble and bought another one.

Ummm...

Let's dive right in to one of the most amazing books I've ever read. I was home in Waterford a few weeks ago and noticed my mom had picked up Eric Clapton: The Autobiography. I've always been a Clapton fan, and that's pretty much where it ended. After reading about his take on his own life though, I can say I'm almost a die-hard fan. For the last week now, I've listened to as much Cream, Yardbirds, Derek & the Dominoes and John Mayall than my ears can fully withstand. I've breathed the blues for the past 7 days as if it were my first true musical love.

Obviously, Clapton pens his life in chronological order. From the very beginning, Eric Clapton led a troubled life, which was just a sign of things to come for him. Before he was even 10, he was told that his mother & father were actually his grandmother & grandfather who raised him. His mother was never a real vital part of his life, and for this, he blames a bevvy of emotional problems on. Fast forward to his teen & early twenties years, where he was labeled as GOD to some. Quite the status to live up to, you know? The best part of the book though, is that Clapton puts everything (most, I suppose) on the table. He is so descriptive and poignant throughout the piece that you feel as if you're a family member receiving highly priveledged material. I realize that's the point of autobiographies, but I was literally glued to the pages for 3 straight days, letting Clapton tell his life story. I'm sure plenty of things may have been left out, but that didn't matter to me. The drug use, the women, the music, the money, the heartbreak - it is ALL in there. In one passage, Clapton describes his drug use that went something along the lines of, "there was a time I spent 1000pounds on heroin a week". I'm not sure what that exchange rate is nowadays, but someone told me that it's about $8000 a week. Don't quote me on that, I could be completely wrong. What I do know is that whatever the final tally is - ITS A LOT OF MONEY. After he got clean for heroin, his drug of choice became alcohol. At some points of his life, he was drinking TWO BOTTLES OF RUM and/or VODKA A DAY. Imagine. Although much of his pain was self-inflicted, I strangely found myself feeling sorry for him at some points. At other times though, I wanted to yell through the book and tell E.C. was a stupid, selfish prick he was.

I almost teared up reading about the death of his 2 year old son Connor, who fell out of Clapton's New York apartment window. After the funeral, Clapton vowed to stay sober in honor of his son, and has not had one drink to this very day. If you weren't aware, "Tears in Heaven" is about Connor, and in part, Clapton's father. An interesting fact about the song is that Clapton never wanted it to be released, as obviously, it's a very personal song. But he played it for a few close friends and members of his band, who loved it, and eventually released it. It's by far his top-selling single ever.

My main point is that even if you're not a big reader, you must read this book. Pick it up. You will love it. He's one of the most important musical figures in the world, so do yourself a favor and prepare to get schooled by 'Slowhand'.

A few days later, I read another book. The name of it was "SLAM"; I had picked it up a few months earlier because it was $5. It's by Nick Hornby - the guy who wrote High Fidelity and About a Boy. The main premise of the story revolves around a skateboarding kid, who happens to talk to a Tony Hawk poster, knocks up some hot teen girl. The rest of the story involves the 2 sets of families arguing, fighting, bickering...you get the idea. If it seems like I'm writing a half-assed review - I am. For some reason, I didn't really like the book. Yet, I read all 300 & some odd pages in one day (I was in a car for 5 hours of this one day though, so that's how it was able to happen). I think I would have enjoyed it more had I read it 6 or 7 years ago.

Once a month, I usually go to B&N to browse the Arts & Communication periodicals. I'm a fan of Communication Arts & Luerzer's Archive, if you wanted to know. On a recommendation from an old teacher of mine at the portfolio school, this is the book I grabbed yesterday:

It's weird to say this, but I'm really looking forward to reading it.

Jake Messes with Minneapolis; Loses...

2008-06-30T10:54:00.007-05:00

Saturday, July 28th, 2008.

It's 10am. 4 men begin their journey to Minneapolis, MN for a one Mark Lange. You see, Mark Lange is mentally handicapped because he thinks it's a good idea to get married. Anyways Jon, Schmill and I pile into Dustin's Saturn Ion for the 5 hour trip to the 'sauce. I have approximately 1 cubic inch of room in this car, and am immediately uncomfortable. What's on tap: a bunch of dudes going to the Metrodome to watch the Brewcrew take on the Twins, followed, most likely, by drinks. Mark's brother Eric, and his friend Dick (not Eric's appendage) are following us up there as well. Dustin went ahead and booked 2 rooms at the Holiday Inn downtown, conveniently located about 4 or 5 blocks from the stadium. We're not on the road for more than 5 minutes, and we see a hilarious country bumpkin white Ford F-150. This thing had to be lifted about 4 extra feet. In bold font above the back bumper read something along the lines of: "I lift my truck to keep the fat chicks away". It was hilarious. Why you'd want to drive around in public embarassment is beyond me. I gave my digicam to Jon and he snapped a very good picture of it. Now you'd think I'd post said pic here, but unfortunately I can't. More on that later.

3:00 comes and we're in the hotel. Deciding not to mess around at all, us boys go straight to the overpriced Holiday Inn bar and order a round of drinks. We're sadly notified that there are no Miller Products available. This will be a common occurence. I got a "Shock Top" orange beer. It was...orangy. Jon, sad that no Miller was available, checked the drink menu after calmly ordering a Coors Lite. Sure enough, at the bottom of that menu, read "Miller Lite" and "Miller High Life". Fecking MN bartenders already trying to sabotage our trip. Whatever. After the sudsy goodness, we brought our bags up to the room - room 921 to be exact. We discuss pissing out of the window later at night (from The Cincinnati Affair, Summer 06), but sadly cannot due to the window not having any mechnism to open it. To my surprise, Minneapolis Town Hall Brewery is directly below us. I had done my research beforehand, and I really, really wanted to go to this place. It did not dissapoint. The bartender was pissed that he had to pour 2 samplers (a total of 16 four-oz. tasters) for me and Jon. He was grumpy. The beer was magnificent. The "Pursuit of Happiness" Blueberry Ale was especially good. The IPA, not so much. Ask Schmill for his bitter beer face next time you see him. We spend an hour or two there, and decide to head to the 'ballpark'.

Let's clear the air on the Metrodome. Simply put - this place sucks. It looks as if Miller Park had an abortion. "It looks like a giant caterpillar" said Jon. I concurred. It's a caterpillar that will not morph into a beautiful butterfly, oh no. It'll stay an ugly, boring, snot-resembling contraption its entire life. Not surprisingly, Brewers fans were everywhere. It was almost an even ratio of Twins to Brewers fans, which was nice. One thing that none of us understood was the amount of fucking Cubs fans there. It's like a cancer. I'm willing to bet you could go to any MLB game anywhere in the country and you'd still have some assholes there wearing their retarded-ass Blue & Red Cubs gear. Cubs fans are like Herpes - you may not always see them, but they're always there. We decide to bypass a long line at the bar across the street, and instead buy MILLER LITE (Finally!) at a vendor outside the stadium. We people watched for a bit and find ZERO hot girls. None. You think WI is fat? Take a trip to MN. You'll be happy you live here.

Inside the stadium now, and it's just a mess. Signs here, signs there. No Miller products here, no Miller products there. But - there's a Papa Johns. Upgrade! We head to our general-seating type seats in the upper deck. The arrangement sort of resembles a first-come first-served deal. I don't know what it's called, but I immediately don't like it. No beer service was ever brought to the upper section(s). I miss Miller Park. I miss the Iceman. We're sitting directly below some rowdy ass Brewers fans, which were absolutely hilarious. For approximately 9 straight innings, the 20 or so people we had were just straight up chanting as loud as we could. JA-SON KEN-DALL..........JA-SON KEN-DALL (chanted/sung to when your grandparent's grandfather clock rang on the hour, every hour. I'm tellin ya, this chant will sweep the brewer faithful in no time. Glorious.) I had a few Budweisers, as did everyone else. I felt like I was cheating with every sip. At any rate, I think I was drunk by the end of the game, because at this point my night gets very, very cloudy. The Brewers win 5-1, and we start our walk back to the hotel.

After a quick change of clothes & a little freshening up (wtf am I talking about?) we hop in the Holiday Inn shortbus and arrive at Rick's Cabaret. The bouncer, who is a very intimidating large bald man, tries to swindle us into getting the VIP treatment & whatnot, but we're not having any of it. We get seated in the back of the club, as it's already mildly crowded in there. I approach the bar, and order a Miller Lite (#2 of the day...) "$7.75", said the lady with the hilarious fake tits behind the bar. Not cool. I decided to order 2 shots of Patron as well, and they came in a ROCKS glass, and definitely enough for 2.5/3 shots worth each. $30. This was going to be an expensive night. After we realized how much drinks were here, we came to the group decision that VIP treatment might not be so bad. Closer to the entertainment, and 2 bottles of Kettle One. $316. You read right. I also took a picture of that receipt (cuz apparently I'm retarded). It ended up being about $40 a person, but in the end, probably a good decision. No more than 5 minutes later, a few ladies came over & started schmoozin. I bought Schmill his 1st lapdance a few minutes prior as he had never been to a strip club before. It was just "OK", because "her legs were hairy". Right. Cuz I'm sure a stripper isn't going to shave her legs before she goes to work. Damn you Schmill.

Keep in mind that I'm way in over my head now. I'm a big Ketel One fan. It's my vodka of choice when I go out. But now I'm playing bartender. It's my time to shine. And by shine I mean fail. Our 2 mixers were cranberry juice and Sprite. I immediately make a Ketel One & Sprite, going half & half on the mixology. Bad idea. From my recollection, I did this 2 or 3 times. Fast forward an hour or so (I'm guessing), and I'm sitting RIGHT next to the stage - our VIP couches behind me. I'm most likely swaying and drooling like a lumbering idiot. I've thrown a $20 bill on the stage, as Mark's friend comes up to me and explains that it's not going to do anything. "You're not gonna get anything out of this, you know" said Mark's friend Zach. "It's fine." I say. "...it's fine". Swiiiiing & a miss. At this point, I've also been told by large, intimidating bouncer that if I don't clean up my drunk act fast, that I'll either be told to leave or get kicked out. Splendid. This is where my night officially ends from memory.

I wake up to bright sunlight cutting into my eyes the next morning. My body feels like the apocolypse. I smell of straight vodka, and my neck and arms are sore as hell. I'm still wearing the clothes that I wore the night before, and my mouth tastes like french-fried excrement. The bed I'm sleeping in is so uncomfortable that my entire right side of my body is in agony. I then realize...

...I'm not sleeping in a bed.

"...what the fuck", I say as I struggle to turn myself upright. I'm in the middle of the hallway of the hotel. I actually laugh to myself out loud, as to why on Earth I spent the night on the hallway floor. I stand up to the chorus of my joints violently snapping and cracking. Wiping my eyes somewhat clean, I try to get my bearings and figure out where exactly I am, and why exactly, I'm not in my room. In front of me, was room 916. Now I'm just pissed, because I think I'm only 5 rooms away from a comfortable bed. Wrong. I'm at the end of the hallway already, and room 916 is the last room on this side of it.

"What the FUCK" I mumble again. Dragging 101% ass, I shuffle around the 9th floor, frantically trying to find room 921. I must have circled that floor 3 times before I realized there was not, in fact, a room 921. Walking back over to 916, I notice a window, which was allowing the sunlight to kill my face 5 minutes prior. I walk over to it and look out onto the Minneapolis skyline. It was then that I knew something was wrong.

The Metrodome was not where it was supposed to be. Instead of the short 5 blocks to the west that I saw it the first time from our room yesterday, the Metrodome was now what seemed 10 or 12 blocks away to my east. I was NOT in the Holiday Inn. I couldn't even SEE the Holiday Inn from this vantage point. I am immediately pissed. I feel my back pocket and locate my wallet. Check. My new cell phone is also in my front pocket. Check. Alas, my left front pocket is empty. This is the pocket that housed my digital camera. I look around my 9th floor hallway/bedroom and cannot locate my Sony Cybershot digital camera. It's at this point that I feel a stinging pain in my right arm. I check over myself, to see that I have various cuts and bruises on my elbow, forearm, and shoulders. This can only mean that I fell numerous times last night. There's also some slight red marks near my left temple, that I discover later.

Locating the elevator, I break out my phone and see that it's still only 6am. My new phone has tornado-alarm volume level speakers on it, so i'm flabbergasted to see that I slept through 6 phone calls from 12:30am-3:30am. This makes me somewhat happy, as I Know that my friends were drunk, yet still coherent enough to care about my well-being. This also makes me somewhat sad, as I think about what a complete fucking goon I was for just 'walking out' of the club after I'd had too many. In a strange city. At an odd hour. I'm what you would call...not bright.

I step out of the elevator, and still have no idea what building I'm in. The city is pretty quiet, as it's 6am and no one in their right mind should be up at this hour. I leave the lobby and look back at what the place is called. "Rivergate Apartments" it read. Hmm. Well that's definitely not the Holiday Inn, is it. To my defense, it IS a tall building that looked like the Holiday Inn. I'm still a moron. After snapping a few pics with my cameraphone (to remember this debocle - I'm realizing while I'm walking that I'm definitely still drunk. Like, not just saying "Oh man I'm still drunk!" the next morning after a wild night out, but legitimately probably still over the legal limit to drive still in every state drunk.) I gaze out to the Metrodome, and know where I have to get to. I'll post the camera phone pics after I finish setting up my account. I find S. Washington Ave. and slowly walk my way over to the hotel.

What was probably only 20 minutes seemed like an hour. The morning was cool, thank god, because if it had been warm, I would have just given up and thrown myself into the Mississippi to put me out of my misery. But the slight breeze was just what I needed to lift my battered spirits in the 60 degree weather. I looked like a zombie. I finally get to the Holiday Inn and take the elevator to the 9th floor. Room 921. I mustered up what little strength I had left and began slowly . . . knocking . . . on . . . the . . . door. It was pathetic looking, and sounding, I'm sure. The last person I thought would be the one to answer the door did; Dustin. Hours prior I had complained that sleeping a hotel room with Matt, Dustin and Jon would be the worst thing possible, as the thought of SNORING for all hours of the night would be quite unfun. How desperate I wanted those snoring sounds at that point in time. Tired shouts of what I will describe as 'joy' from my 3 friends filled the room. They were astonished that I was not dead. And after retelling this story right now, I'm astonished I'm not either. This shouldn't happen to grown ass men. But it did. And I'm here. Lesson learned.

If you mess with Minneapolis, your trip will be Minnehopelessness. A map of my travels is below...

Oh, Hi Summerfest! 2

2008-06-27T09:43:00.004-05:00

(Note: To actually SEE the bands playing at 8:00 or 10:00pm, it's wise to get to that stage about 2 to 3 hours in advance of the show to actually get 'seats'. As I'm sure many of you know, the free stages fill up quickly, and some spots are better than others to actually see the music).

onward with my picks of who to see:

Tues, July 1st

3:00pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Muzzy Luctin

Another local Madison favorite, these guys will rock ya face off. Back in the Whitewater days when MTV thought it would be a good idea to 'invade' a small school of 10,000 bored college students with Hoobastank, Muzzy Luctin opened up for the 'stank on short notice when Everclear cancelled. They were good. Not sure if they have any new stuff out, but go check up on them anyways.

8:00pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Red

These guys have great melody. They do. Crushing guitars paired with piano & violin (probably not included in their live shows). Really liking this band as of late. Curious to see how their live show might be. Hopefully looking to actually go to this Tues night. Followed by an old fav of mine...

10:00pm / Harley Roadhouse Stage - O.A.R.

O.A.R. has been playing 'Crazy Game of Poker' for what seems like a decade now. And I'm fine with it. I've seen them 4 times, and they bring something different to every live show they do. Label them all you want, but this isn't just a stoner frat-college band anymore. These guys have to be in their 30's and still are making great records. I'm not sure how often this happens, but they are headlining Wednesday night as well.

Wed, July 2nd

2:30pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Marashino

Local Milwaukee favorites start your afternoon out right with some hard rock sounds, and if you're normal - grab a beer or ten and hang out in the sun. A local band that actually might go somewhere if they could get a break.

7:00pm / Miller Lite Oasis - Mt. Olive

Always heard good things about this band...but I've never actually seen them. Summerfest just may be the place to break my Olive Cherry. Lol that sounds ridiculous. Miller Lite Oasis stage area has also been renovated I think, so it would be nice to check that out too.

10:00pm / Harley Roadhouse Stage - Crystal Method (Dj Set)

While my buddy Tom (from Jake gets his Sobriety Tested) will be jammin out to Coheed & Cambria playing on the Miller Lite Oasis stage during this time, I'll hopefully be wasted and dancing with glowsticks and club kids to a dj set from the Crystal Method. 90's pioneers in mainstream techno music, TCM should be a crowd pleaser for the electronica fans in WI (they're out there, right?) I question the stage they were put on (nothing goes together like Harley Motorcycles & Dance Music), but by the time 10pm rolls around, I'm guessing all the 'adults' will clear out when they hear Dieselboy take the stage at 8pm...

Thurs, July 3rd

Another disappointing night for me, music-wise. Only 3 bands I would really consider going to see. Had I been attending every day of Summerfest until this point, this would be my day off.

Alas...

6:00pm / Briggs & Stratton Stage - Slumpbuster Ft. KB

LOL. Another hilarious name. Slumpbuster & Roshambo should get together & jam for awhile. Anyways, I'm wondering if this "KB" is KB from 96.5 WKLH, a hilarious morning radio personality for a classic rock station. Would be great to see him rock for awhile. I haven't done my research, but I'm guessing it's him.

8:00pm / US Cellular Stage - Ludo

Just discovered this band the other day. Harmless pop music from this group. I think they have a single on the radio. It's catchy, but a tad too teenybopperish. If I was surrounded by teenagers as the show started, I'd move on to get a spot at one of the other stages for a 10:00 show. But not after getting some phone numbers first. I mean...what?

10:00pm / Miller Lite Oasis - Thievery Corporation

This was a toss up for me. I'm going with the lesser known band, and hopefully the stage with less people. Kansas is also playing at this time, so if I were actually there, I'd have to toss a coin to figure out who to go see. I'm intrigued by Thievery Corporations live show. A downtempo/jazz outfit from overseas, I'm guessing they actually play instruments for their live shows. Either way, it would be a relaxing way to end the night after getting some Cheese Curds from...well, anywhere.

Fri, July 4th

I'll be at a wedding. On Independence Day. July 4th. But if I wasn't there, I'd be watching fireworks light up the sky during the midnight hour (I think?). For the 4th of July, there's not too many bands I'd like to see on this night. Except for one, MAJOR BEHEMOTH of a band. That band is...

7:30pm / Marcus Amphitheater - Stone Temple Pilots (opener: Black Francis - Frank Black of the Pixies)

AOHHAHHDFDJkasd what a shooow. I would see this in a heartbeat. Will Scott Weiland be fucked up enough to not pronounce a single lyric correctly? I wish I could find out. I'm sure plenty of other Milwaukeeans will see this, and I'll hear about it later.

Other bands playing the headlining hour: The Roots, Goldfinger, Less than Jake, Phil Lesh & Friends, Slightly Stoopid, and Five Finger Deathpunch.

Sat, July 5th

I can tell you what I will be doing today. I have tickets for

8:00pm - Marcus Amphitheater - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A tradition with some high school friends started long ago. Every summer, we get obliterated and sit in the grass seats for Tom Petty. It's just what we do. Tom Petty is so old that he & Keith Richards smoke cockroaches together. He looks like a skeleton's skeleton. If that makes any sense. But no matter how toasted we all get, we all still know the lyrics to basically every song he plays. It's always just a great time. Can't wait to go again this year. Stevie Winwood opens, too! Time for some Higher Love, baby!

Sun, July 6th

10:00pm / Miller Lite Oasis - 311

Even though The Bravery is playing on the US Cellular Stage at this time, I've been a huge fan of 311 for some time now, and have STILL not seen them. Last year when I went, it rained for 4 straight hours prior to the show, and there was not an open crevice in the crowd AT ALL. We tried to snake around places to see the stage, to no avail. It's another thing I'd like to do before I turn 25. The fact that I still haven't seen 311 makes me feel like theres a void in my soul somewhere. I think I may actually go to this (if my body can even function this soon after Petty) and stake out a spot around the 5:00 hour. One of my favorite bands of all time. It had to be said.

And that's it. The end of Summerfest. The world's largest music festival. Again, any information you need can be found at http://www.summerfest.com/ .

Oh, Hi Summerfest!

2008-06-23T23:36:00.008-05:00

Smell that? Saz's Italian Sampler...cold, crisp Miller Beer...Lake Michigan (ew). Summerfest is here, baby!

If you don't know what Summerfest is (I don't think I have too many out of WI readers), let me tell you a bit about the world's largest music festival.
Um...it's the world's largest music festival. Nestled on scenic Lake Michigan, Summerfest boasts the largest musical lineup in the world. So thats a big F YOU to England, and all your cool festivals, ya blokes. For a mere 15$ a day, you can watch the best bands around play their stinkin hearts out for ya. If you want to compete with thousands of people every day, and have the monetary means to do it - I suggest doing so. I could go on about how amazing Summerfest is for awhile - or I could just send you to their website, and have you fall out of your chair upon seeing the monstrosity of upcoming performances: http://www.summerfest.com/

A day by day wrap up of who I would go see if given the chance:

Thurs, June 26th
2:30pm / Harley Roadhouse Stage - Roshambo
Are you serious? Their name is ROSHAMBO.
I don't need to know anything about this group. The name alone has me intrigued.

6:00pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Nonpoint
Six pm? You kidding me? Get here early to get a peak at nonpoint. Why they aren't the headliner on this stage at 10pm is beyond me (it's Drowning Pool if you're interested) Elias is a beast on the vocals and their drummer looks like he'd snap you in half like a dull pencil. Great live show, don't miss it.

10:00pm / Briggs & Stratton Stage - Gnarls Barkley
I'm not sure you realize the impact that Cee-Lo has had on music today. Do your research - the guy is important. Paired with Danger Mouse, I have to believe their live show would be top notch. If GB isn't your thing, maybe They Might be Giants or Three Dog Night will tickle your fancy.

Fri, June 27th
12:30pm / US Cellular Connections Stage - Mighty Short Bus
Well there's a pleasant surprise! Madison's own MSB makin the trek over. A good cover band that has the necessary tools to give you a rockin good time.

6:30pm / Zippo Rock Stage - Silvergun
I don't know where or why, but I've heard this band before, and I remember liking them. Some band called Anew Revolution (clever, not!) is playing after them. Followed by...

10:00PM / Zippo Rock Stage - Sevendust
Lajon. Need I say more? Rumor has it that their old drummer Clint will be playing with them at this show. Makes me jealous that I will not be going, due to my presence being needed at my place of employment.

Sat, June 28th
For the first Saturday of Summerfest, I'm actually quite disappointed. The lineups actually suck . . . a lot. I'm not sure who they're trying to aim their shows at, but honestly I'm kind of curious at the selections. Who I'd go see anyways:

12:30pm / US Cellular Stage - The Sharp & Harkins Band
HOLY CRAP! S&H get a gig at Summerfest. My boys are gonna reggae rock the shit outta you! Guaranteed to be a good time and a great show. Stoughton/Whitewater/Madison people need to be in attendance for this moment. I unfortunately cannot due to prior obligations.

10:00pm / US Cellular Stage - Shinedown
Yeah, thats a hefty space in between for 'bands to see'. Also playing around noon is Fat J and the Pinners, Waterford townie favorites. Also good around that time frame is Katie Todd band. She can wail. At any rate, yes Shinedown is the only other band I'd want to go see today. That's 8 hours of drinking and eating high caloric food in between shows. Be careful. Shinedown's new single 'devour' is ownin my soul at the moment.

Sun, June 29th
8:30pm / Miller Lite Oasis - Truth in Fiction
High school buddy Dan Beres' band is still trucking. Fresh off a new release in Japan, Truth in Fictions crowd-friendly pop punk will start your night off well. Plus, they're opening up for...

10:00pm / Miller Lite Oasis - Jack's Mannequin
Always been more of a fan of Jack's Mannequin than Something Corporate. I'm guessing it's the piano. Yes, I like the ivory...

If seats weren't available, I'd wander off to see the Scarring Party playing at 8:00pm on the US Cellular Stage. An old Whitewater friend of mine named Isa plays in that band, and although I haven't seen her in awhile, I'd go support the band. Apparently they're doing well in the Milwaukee area. Well enough to open up for the Polyphonic Spree, playing on that stage around 10:00pm.

Mon, June 30th
Also kind of a weak night. 10pm headliners include Matisyahu, Paramore, and from the 'they're still alive??' vault Gin Blossoms and Candlebox. I'll pass on those and head to see:

10:00pm / Potawanami Bingo Stage - Indigenous
Blues-rock at it's absolute finest. One of my fav songs of all time is 'Things We Do'. I'm sure they'll play it. Not to be missed.

Part 2 coming tomorrow...

Best. Music Video. Ever.

2008-05-23T13:10:00.002-05:00

The art of the music video + Internet Viral Videos = Shit will blow your mind.

My love for Panera is borderline ridiculous

2008-05-20T16:19:00.004-05:00

crav·ing: [krey-ving]

noun
great or eager desire; yearning.

My eager desire for Panera Bread is borderline ridiculous. You know that show called 'Intervention' ? Neither do I, but I've seen it when I scroll through the guide on tv. Either way, I might need one. I may need a Panera Intervention.

Some time ago, I deemed Tuesday's 'Panera Day'. So every 2nd day of the workweek around 1:30pm, I get in my car and drive 2.2 miles to my food intake Mecca. If for some reason I can't make it there that day - I'm instantly crabby. It's like my world is caving in on me like a cave would cave in on me. I walk through those glorious double-glass doors and it's as if the voice of the establishment calls out to me..."Jake...," Panera says, "Welcome to a place that aims to keep you content and satisfied". I swear to god she says it to me. She has a soft, soothing voice. But when I step foot into that place, an ear-to-ear smile comes over me. Directly in front of me is the bakery station. Complete with bagels, sourdough bread, stone-milled rye, double chocolate cookies...I could go on forever. But I have to bypass that splendid section, as I only have 45 minutes to achieve what I can only describe as 'gullet-orgasm'.

I always see the same people working when I stop in. They never recognize me. Or maybe they do, it's just that they're afraid to talk to someone with such a stupid shit-eating grin on their face. I'm guessing it's the latter reason. But oh no, that sure doesn't mess with my Panera Time. The sounds, the smells, the tastes, and oh, the sights - it's an sensical information overload. Is this making any sense to you? I even like the colors. Seaweed green, a light tannish brown, everything just mixes together so perfectly.

I used to take my lunch at Panera. It was like a little mini-heaven on Earth. Unfortunately one fateful day, my cell phone fell out of my pocket and got lodged between my booth seat and a large, well, 'divider'. After many attempts to retrieve my cellular device from the depths with my short stubby arms, I contacted management. For some reason, I believe a large pair of pliers was summoned, and after a minute or two, the gentleman manager presented me with my phone. Slightly embarassed, I thanked them and went on my way. Since then, I haven't gotten the courage back to choose the 'dine in' option. Perhaps some day I will sit somewhere else, as that would solve the problem of me losing my phone. I think I need help.

Can this place get any better? I mean, look at the fricking LOGO. Even that is near perfection. If you were wondering, yes, that's the woman whose voice I hear when I enter the gates of this beautiful foodcropolis. It's like the building is the woman, and she's holding me. She keeps me warm, and looks out for me during my lunch hour. She's holding me close, and I'm a loaf of bread, just sucking at the Panera teat. Yeah - that's me! She's rocking me gently to Panera bliss. And I'm wishing, waiting, wondering...how a food chain can be so great and cater to my tastebuds' every need.

Naturally upon exit of the establishment I get a punch in the face of real worldism. Car horns, insects buzzing, people being people - you know - dumb real-life shit. Technically, my Panera experience isn't over yet though. Whether I choose to eat at back at the office or not - I still have one piece of Panera power still at my fingertips. The receipt. On every receipt is the option to complete a short 5 minute survey describing your 'Panera experience'. Every month, the gods that be pick a lucky survey taker to win $2,000. Whether they actually do or not, I have no idea. But what I do know is that 9 times out of 10 - I complete that online survey. And not only do I complete the survey, but the give this beautiful stomach-saving business high marks. I figure, after completing about 40 of these, they'd finally break down and give me some cash. I haven't received a dime. Maybe they'll pick me after I spend $2,000 there, which is totally within reach, being as I usually spend between $6 & $8 every visit.

In closing, upon investigating my favorite sandwich, The Frontega Chicken Sandwich, I sadly have discovered that it contains 800 calories and 2150 mg of sodium - aka 90% of my daily value. Hmmm. But no - OH NO - I will not let them put a damper on the gloriousness of Panera.

My body may suffer, but my heart and my mind will live on forever...

So to end this post on a high note, I have made a haiku about my favorite menu item at Panera. You're the best, Panera.

Frontega Chicken

Sandwich, how I long for thee

My mouth shouts for you

John Kruk is Hungry

2008-05-19T22:32:00.005-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, John Kruk is hungry.

I'm watching baseball tonight last night, and witnessed this hilarious clip. It's Steve Phillips' birthday, and Boomer & the gang are nice enough to give him a cake for the event. As the dessert gets passed down, you can sense Kruk salivating like Pavlov's dog to rip into the sugary mess. Note at the 40 second mark, Mr. Kruk just loses his mind, along with his patience, and demands a piece. The tone of his voice almost made me cry I was laughing so hard. If there's anything to be learned from this, it's that if you have small children - please, please don't let them come within 15 feet of John Kruk, as he's likely to devour them.

(A massive thank-you goes to the boys over at 'Awful Announcing', who dug up the clip at my request. They even gave me a little credit in their post here: http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/05/john-kruk-really-wants-that-cake.html)

edit - apparently I can't embed a video from Red Lasso. I'm gonna need some help with this. In the meantime, go to the above link..thanks

Laziness has kicked in

2008-05-13T23:01:00.003-05:00

Hello, fellow internet-ites. I've been super lazy lately. I've been back from vacation for a solid month and a half now, and have no motivation to post the other shenanigans from my awesome trip to FL. If you must know the other happenings, post a comment or email me and i'll give you an anecdote or two. Look for a few new posts in the upcoming weeks. For now, I hope 3 months' worth of tunes will suffice. Theres some gems in there.

Miggidy March!
23) Elliot Smith - Miss Misery
22) David Essex - Rock On21) Nonpoint - What a Day
20) Maceo Parker - Shake Everything You Got
19) David Guetta vs The Egg - Love Don't Let Me Go (Walking Away)
18) Tift Merritt - Broken
17) Cold - When Angels Fly Away
16) Finger Eleven - Change the World
15) STP - Wicked Garden
14) Tantric - Down & Out
13) Bon Iver - Skinny Love
12) Theory of a Deadman - No Surprise
11) Glenn Morrison - No Sudden Moves
10) Glenn Morrison - Contact
9) Evans Blue - Dark that Follows
8) Parlour Steps - Hot Romance
7) Theory of a Deadman - Say I'm Sorry
6) Slightly Stoopid - Leaving on a Jet Plane
5) Zox - Goodnight
4) Hoobastank - If Only
3) Crossfade - Cold
2) Deadmau5 - Arguru
1) Atmosphere - Shoulda Known

April Musical Showers
18) Lazee - Rock Away
17) Vein ft. Pitbull - Get Up, Stand Up
16) Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (sorry, had to...)
15) Dropping Daylight - Brace Yourself
14) Sharp & Harkins Band - Freedom (myspace)
13) Truth in Fiction - Brown Sweater (myspace)
12) Mae - Someone elses arms
11) Junkie XL - Booming back at you
10) MGMT - Time to Pretend
9) Tokio Hotel - Ready Set Go (sorry again...)
8) Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Rascal King
7) Sponge - Plowed
6) Reel Big Fish - She has a girlfriend now
5) Saul Williams - List of Demands
4) Headway - The Start
3) Atmosphere - Always coming back home to you
2) Evans Blue - Pin up
1) Lyrics Born - Hott 2 Def

Hey, It's May!
18) Jay Z - I Know
17) Snoop Dogg & Everlast - My Medicine
16) Wolf Parade - Modern World
15) ZZ Top - You got me Under Pressure
14) Faithless - Music Matters
13) Mae - Home
12) Miguel Migs - Make Things Happen
11) Chris Brown - Kiss Kiss (Alan Astor Mix)
10) Yazoo - Situation
9) DJ Lobsterdust - UNK, Avril Lavigne, Tony Basil - Walkin' Out Yo Girlfriend (Mashup)
8) Story of the Year - Apathy is a Deathwish
7) Adam Tensta - My Cool
6) Atmosphere - Can't Break
5) Atmosphere - The Waitress
4) 10 Years - 11:00am(Daydreamer)
3) Atmosphere - Your Glasshouse
2) Story of the Year - The Black Swan
1) Story of the Year - Tell Me (P.A.C.)

(8-1 are MUST dl's, fyi)

Till next time...

AFF2: The Douchebag Haikus

2008-04-16T10:08:00.005-05:00

ZOMG! I found the Douchebag Haikus!!! The 2 morons in row 23 will be no longer be safe from the wrath of my pen. Tucked behind a blank page after 'The Cincinnati Affair' (from July 2006 fame. Actually on the page right after the tally count of KRAAAAZY KAPLANS Billboards), they beckoned me to discover them again! I was happy to say the least. Apparently I overstated how many there actually were - I only made 8. Whatevs. I hope you like reading them as much as I liked creating them on the flight. For an even better effect - read them softly and delicately in the true '5-7-5' haiku way. Enjoy.

The Douchebag Haiku's

3-26-08, 10:00pm

Florida D-bags

On a god-forsaken flight

Please stop your swearing

Sexual Conquests

Appropriate for plane talk?

I don't believe so

Behind me - morons

I now know why girls hate men

They're human garbage. . .

Greetings, douchebag one

You're outlandish and stupid

Fucking kill yourself

Douchebag number two

I hope your wife passes you

A dose of herpes

Towards douchebag one

Burp in my ear once again

My pen meets your eyes

Again with myspace

Ever get off computer?

I'm guessing you don't

Ebay business plan

Sir - you are bound for failure

And large douchebagness

http://youtube.com/watch?v=i32_IyfKXRc

AFF2: The Astrology Lady Story

2008-04-15T10:05:00.007-05:00

Zodiac Signs. Astrology. Horoscopes. I've never bought into it. You could read ANY horoscope and somehow it could, or would make sense just for you. It never really mattered, or made sense to me. Until this day.

It's Friday, March 28th and Deerfield Beaches' finest have gathered on the waterfront dock bar for 2 for 1 happy hour. The Cove Restaurant & Marina is nestled on the intercoastal waterway, and yachts and large fishing boats scurried around to find space to dock. Derek and I were firmly planted near this outside bar, but were eating dinner inside the open-aired establishment. Derek, being the gracious host he is, let me face this ouside dock bar for a prime people-watching post. The ladies would stream in behind me and he would let me know what color the hot one(s) of the bunch was/were wearing. In return, I would give him a play by play of the goings on behind him. I realize this may or may not sound creepy to you, but if 2 people can't watch the same crowd, commentating the shenanigans behind the others blind spot is necessary. Overall, the scene consisted of an eclectic mix of old sea captains, young brazilian foxes, and metrosexual men who work out too much - just to name a few of the players.

Beautiful women were coming out of the woodwork everywhere. For a midwesterner, the sight of constricting dresses, huge fake boobs, and overly bronzed skin is not seen often. As plentiful as the women were, there was another group that was even more apparent: Bostonian men. Or guys that thought they were from Boston. Even more insane than the amount of east coast dbags, was the amount of hot girl there who were eating them up. It was pathetic, to be honest. One of these gentleman in particular made both of us laugh so hard that our lungs nearly collapsed. I deemed him 'Chinstrap'. Picture, if you will: A tanned individual with short, curly, John-Gotti-esque 'My New Haircut' spiked hair. A skin-tight orange t shirt and jeans. He was accesorized with inch-thick bright WHITE glasses - that had a single lens that wrapped around both eyes. Ahh...ok. The best part of the ensemble though, was the facial hair. A barely visible chinstrap adorned his douchebagness. But this wasn't your avearage chinstrap, oh no. He finely trimmed it from left mid jaw to right mid jaw. NOT ear to ear. It just kinda...stopped at the ends of his jawline. It made no sense, but it was HILARIOUS! Unfortunately, he is not pictured. What is pictured, however, is one of the ugliest (aka best) mullets ever caught on film. And it's on a WOMAN, folks - believe it!

The Cove took over The Milwaukee Zoo as my top spot for people watching after that day. As the onslaught of beautiful lady tigers continued waltzing in, our conversation turned to money. And, how most likely, all these beauties were gold-digging whores, and would never be interested in talking to 2 average looking midwestern boys who don't make $50k together annually. We toasted to 'not having money' and drank away. At that moment, both of our lives would be changed forever.

We were seated next to this elderly couple. They were finishing up their meal at this point and sipping on some cocktails. Overhearing our toast, the woman leaned in and whispered, "Money doesn't buy you happiness". Which, depending on who you ask, is correct. She was your typical older Floridian lady. Wrinkled leathery skin from years in the South Florida sun. Her vibrant yellow and orange floral dress waved in the breeze, and thick-framed spectacles sat atop her nose. What I remember most, was the massive amount of gold jewerly she wore - it was as if she just returned from a Mr. T yard sale. Derek and I continued to discuss what profession we were involved in, and somewhere in the conversation, she asked us our birthdays. I told her, and she went on for 5 minutes about how my 'money line' was 'in the right state/axis/rotation' ? or something. I'm pretty sure I replied with, "Are you sure?", and Derek and I had a good chuckle. She continued to spit out words I had never heard before. Outer space vocabulary, or something. I understood a little. And by a little, I mean zero. Upon her request, I held out my palm, and she pointed to a 'line' that I've ALWAYS had and said something like, 'see how your money line is so close to your bla bla bla something something'. I just nodded and smiled, thinking that this broad was straight from the nut house, even though she was very nice. Thank god she wasn't scary, or I'm guessing I would have bolted mid conversation. Either way, she said I had good fortune, and how now would be a great time to buy that lottery ticket. (*side note - as I write this, It's dawning on me that during this conversation, and the moments that followed, I was taking care of 3 things on my 'things to do before I turn 25' list all at once...play the lottery, talk to strangers, and travel on a budget) I found it funny that during this odd convo, her husband never uttered a word. He just finished up what was left of his meal and gazed out towards the water. I could only guess that he was probably thinking, "Well, here she goes again..." Astrology lady then turned her attention to Derek, whose money line was NOT good, apparently. Derek replied with the, "Yeah, I already know that though." and I laughed. She informed him that his money line was currently in a state of weakness (or something), but would begin to come on strong later - April 10th was the date. "OK then. April 10th - I'll be here. 5:30pm. - waiting for you." Astrology lady smiled and softly said, "I'll leave my husband at home". I laughed so fucking hard I almost fell out of my chair. "I've been doing this a long time. For about 50 years." she added.

With that said, the couple got up and slowly escorted themselves out. Derek and I toasted again to . . . I dunno, an awkward conversation, and drank. But the experience was not over.

Looking in Derek's direction, astrology lady asked, "Do you own a car?"

"Yes"

"Did you drive it here?"

"Yes"

"Ok. You're going to want to check one of the tires...on...the left side of your vehicle. Ok? Just check the tires. One needs a little air."

"Uhh...Ok?"

Then astrology lady left. We both looked at each other with a puzzled, squinty eyed look.

"You know we're gonna have to check the tires before we go home now, right?" I said. Derek agreed. The rest of the evening at the Cove continued to be entertaining. Blondes in hotpants (why aren't they called hotshorts?) kept on schmoozing with middle aged men who wipe their ass with Ben Franklins', Bostonian dudes kept traveling in packs attacking unsuspecting ladies, and rum runners and mojitos flowed like rum runners and mojitos flow. We wanted to stay longer, but we had to pick up Schmill from the airport around 7ish that night. (A little LOLage here - Derek sent him a text around 6 that said something to the likes of 'Jake and I are drunk. We can't pick you up. Hail a cab to get to my house when you touch down. Sorry man." How funny would it have been if he actually read that & took a taxi to his apartment? I mean, you never know with the Schmill)

So we get to the mazda 3 and head off to the airport - forgetting the check the tire. 3 minutes go by, and we're still in the residential area of downtown Deerfield Beach when I yell, "Oh shit - we gotta check that tire!", in a joking manner. Derek pulls over to the side of the road willingly, and we both got out gawked at the left side of the car.

"No. . . fucking . . . way!" - Derek and I, in unison.

I started jumping around throwing punches at the air and screaming into the atmosphere as Derek put his hands on his head in utter shock and started laughing.

The left, front tire had visibly less air than the left back tire.

Actually, the left front tire had visibly less air than EVERY other tire on the car. It wasn't just a little bit lower. It was NOTICEABLY lower. Had it been my car, I would not have driven on it without putting more air into it. Now, please be aware that the old astrology lady was sitting next to us in the restaurant BEFORE we got there - and no - she didn't see us pull up (we parked a ways away), so she could not have walked her 90 year old ass out there and let some air out of it. Needless to say, I was slightly freaked out. Derek, although, exhibited his cool & collected self and popped his trunk to reveal an emergency road kit. Complete with radio, flashlight, tire pressure monitor, and, among many others - a small tire inflation nozzle. Which was really quite neat - except it had no juice left in it. Somewhat frustrated now, Derek goes to me, "The first gas station we see - we're stopping. I'm putting air in this tire and you're buying a lottery ticket." And it was done. We drove a bit and stopped at the first Mobil station. As Derek inflated his tire, I went inside and bought one $1 Florida Lotto ticket. Thoughts of what exactly I would buy with my winning ticket entered my head. (And that's where they would stay. Days later, I checked the ticket numbers in the newspaper - ZERO. None, zip, nada were correct.) After picking up Schmill from the airport, we went out in downtown Ft. Lauderdale. But that's another story. This tale is about an elderly Floridian woman with a strange, uncanny act to guess something right. And although I still don't believe in the zodiac calendar or psychic abilities, I do have to admit that it was a slightly freaky; yet superb way to begin a great vacation week.

Follow up: As I'm now just getting around to writing about my vacation three weeks ago, I called Derek during lunch today to see if he actually did go back to the Cove. He did not, and I was saddened. BUT - on that Monday, April 10th, he did go to Dania Beach to watch Jai Alai (which will be discussed in a future AFF2 post). Jai Alai is a game where crazy Spaniards meet in a huge enclosed court and throw a cue ball 150miles an hour with a straw basket attached to their right hand. It's an incredible spectacle. You can bet on which Jai Alai teams or players will win per match - we won $0 during the 8 or 9 matches we watched. But Derek, on this fateful Monday, won $30 crisp American dollars. Looks as if Derek's money line might be on the upswing after all. Till next time, Astrology lady...till next time.

AFF2: The Airport Chronicles

2008-04-09T10:04:00.002-05:00

TO FLORIDA:

(The following was written while I was waiting for my flight at the Milwaukee and Minneapolis airports, respectively)

Wed, March 26th, 3:20pm @ MKE

They say one of the best spots to meet single people is at an airport. Who's 'they' though? I dunno, I read it somewhere. This post has nothing to do with meeting a girl, I just wanted to throw that little ditty out there. Either way, I just paid $10 for a gin & tonic. I've never drank at the airport bar before. I probably won't again. The bartender gave me a double beefeater and tonic, and to be honest - I didn't really want a double. Halfway through my drink, a girl my age, chatting away on her cell, ordered a drink next to me. "Hold on", she said, looking in my direction. "Can you drink before you fly?" I started laughing. I reply, "Uh, that's what I'm doing" and held my hand to my drink like I was Vanna White turning an imaginary letter. She chuckled, and went back to talking away. I hope I didn't come off as an asshole - but I thought the previous question was common knowledge? I was early for my flight, so after the 1 drink I settled down in the waiting area. Some 45 minutes later, the previous girl is now standing nearby me again. She looks like she's freaking out inside. "I've never flown before" she tells me. "But I got some beer in me, so it's smooth sailing now!" I guess? Nothin like some sweet old sudsy dudsy sloshin around during turbulence. She was nice, but kinda wierd.

Wed, March 26th, 6:15pm @ Minnehopelessness

6 billion people on Earth, right? It truly is a small world. This is a true story...
...sitting next to me in the bar @ Minneapplesauce/St. Paul International airport is a sweet 50 year old lady. We start to chat it up - and the similarities start to become eerie. She spent 8 years living in La Crosse, WI - aka my favorite college town, and where my parents originally met. We talking about our travels and where we've lived, and she tells me she currently lives in Colorado Springs, to which I reply, "Nice. I've never been west of Kansas." She chimes in, "Oh, I lived in Hays, Kansas". Get outta here lady! To those of you who don't know (and I pray you don't), Hays, KS is in the middle of fucking nowhere. Nothing is within 100 miles of this place. It's a city in the middle of a dry, brown, desert full of oil rigs. No one should want to wind up there. Seriously. Oddly enough, my aunt/uncle/cousins currently live there, and my grandma (from Attempting Floridian Fame Vol I) lived there for 1/2 a decade. Also, the city name is basically my last name. Wow. I continue drinking my $10 (ouch again) 20 oz Leine's Red and the gentlemen directly to my right leans over and goes, "So you live in Madison, eh? I own the Argus building". WTF, this is nuts. I work at the Great Dane downtown - and you can clearly see the Argus bar & building from that location. It get's creepier - his moustached friend next to him, adorned in flannel attire also has something to say. "You said you were from Racine, right?" I nod yes. "I grew up there".

Am I on candid fucking camera?

This is happening in the Minneapolis airport. Honestly, what the hell is going on here.

As if it couldn't get any wierder, it turns out this guy lived ONE BLOCK away from my childhood residence. He described the boulevard I lived on perfectly. So, let's recap. The dude-who-owns the Argus' friend grew up right behind me 30 years ago. Got it. Dude-who-owns the Argus continues - "I own the chamber building above Pizza Extreme (E. Wash for you Madisonians) too. Did you say you moved from Racine to Waterford?" I say yes, and wonder why, and how long, these 2 were eavesdropping on my other convo. The next part completes the creepiness circle. He tells me of a renter of his who used to smoke pot with him on a daily basis. After a night of no doubt black-out-drunkeness, this renter of his climbed on the roof of his apartment and FELL THROUGH the skylight of the afforementioned building. I laugh my ass off and he says, "He's been a teacher at Waterford High School for 15 years now. His name is Mike".

It wasn't Harmeling, and I couldn't think of another last name for the life of me. At any rate, this shit is amazing. Lastly, guy tells me also owns the Madison Metropolitan. If you haven't been keeping up on current events the Metropolitan is in foreclosure. There were numerous stories about it in the WI State Journal. This guy owes millions. OWES MILLIONS. He blamed it on the bank and then on the Willy St. Co-op for not helping him out or something. He told me he was flying to Ft. Lauderdale for a tradeshow on wood flooring. Hmmm. Guy- (never actually got either of the 2 men's names) instead of a flooring conference - perhaps you should go to a 'real estate for dumbasses' or 'managing your finances correctly' seminar. Wow. It really is a small world. I got on my plane really, really creeped out.

http://www.channel3000.com/news/15218241/detail.html < News Story on Metropolitan's foreclosure

==================================================================

Aboard the Minneapolis flight, 2 douchebags in their mid twenties were behind me talking about grotesque things, and other musings that should not be talked about at a high volume, which they currently are doing. I knew it was going to be a long flight immediately after they sat down:
Dbag1- "I get the window seat eh"
Dbag2-"Ugh...the middle"
Dbag1- "Haha - you're gonna have to sit next to the FAT lady! hahah!"
[10 second pause]
Gentleman1- "I'm not fat. And I'm no lady."

5 minutes later he asked the stuartist if he could move, and she promptly reseated him. I should have asked as well. The next 4 hours were filled with ramblings on women, ebay, video games, std's, marriage, the army, and more. As I sat by myself, I actually considered turning around and asking them, "Have either of you ever been called a douchebag before?" Had they said yes, I would have said nothing, and turned around. Had they said no, I would have simply stated "You're both douchebags" and turned around. I would never be able to actually do that, but it felt somewhat liberating to think about it. The worst part of this story is, for a good hour, I wrote what I called 'The Douchebag Haikus'. It was a good 12-15 part barrage of Haikus on what these 2 morons were talking about. They were really good - they even made me crack up at myself. Unfortunately, whatever I wrote them on - I no longer have. It makes me really sad, cuz I know you would have liked them. Damn me for losing that piece of paper. I might never forgive myself.

What I still DO have, is a few noteable quotes from the duo that I scribbled whilst waiting to fly. Keep in mind they are spewing this trash at an unreasonable volume. Keep in mind this flight has children behind them, and plenty of other strangers strewn next to them on this evening flight.

Dbag1- "I had a massive hard-on, and she got on top of me, and I was like 'this is a bad idea in the pooooo-ooool' ".

Dbag1- "I'm giving birth to a beautiful herpe-infested baby boy". About a call from a hook up on the Vans Warped Tour in a dream he had.

Dbag2- "What'd you say to her?"
Dbag1- "Well, I was hard on her. I called her a bitch and a cunt".
Dbag2- "Hmm. I talk to my wife like that every night."
Dbag1- "But after that fight, we've been better than ever".
Dbag2- "You get a make-up blowjob?"
Dbag1- "Maybe I got a make-up hug, if that..."

Dbag1- "You ever get head from a chick....and like.....just wanna pull her head off and do it yourself"?

Not gonna lie, that one made me laugh a bit. But the smile went away fast, cuz I remembered how douchebaggy they had been thus far. All of the above was said BEFORE WE EVEN TOOK OFF. 2 hours into the flight, Dbag1 talks about how Wisconsin girls have outdrank him. Doesn't surprise me. My guess is a 3 year old in a sandbox could outdrink that homo. 3 hours in, I overhear that he's from Stevens Point. Great. Until this point I was hoping he was from Florida, or down south, or somewhere else - ANYWHERE but Wisco. Wrong. For the record, Dbag1 was by far the douchier of the douchebags. Anyways, the topic switched to Ebay for a good 30 minutes. I forget what was said, but the business tactics of Dbag2 were stunningly shitty. Again, I'm quite upset at myself for losing that haiku document. It would have been some award winning poetry right there.

TO WISCONSIN:

Nothing too exciting to report here. My flight left Ft. Lauderdale a bit after 4pm on April 2nd. I was so incredibly hungover from 6 days of drinking that my body basically shut down that day. I had a massive heat rash on my chest and arms from dehydration & the sun. The previous night consisted of patron & pitchers, so my mouth - even after numerous brushings - tasted like a garbage disposal. Out of my element completely, I actually pooped at the airport. Defecated in an airport bathroom. Yucks. Nauceous for about 2 hours pre-flight, I struggled not to yak at every moment. I'm telling you - it was a miracle I didn't throw up between the hours of 10am & 6pm that day. A miracle.
The flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Memphis was fine, minus my ability to even think a complete thought. Some large spanish family had a kid up front who kept screaming. It was a happy scream though, so it was ok for awhile. And when I say 'awhile', I mean 'never.' Eventually the stuartist bitched at the family for not even paying attention to the little guy or even bothering to shut him up. It was really wierd. If I had a kid who was being loud on a plane, I would probably tell it to stop. "Don't yell" - I would say.
2 hour layover in Memphis. What a shitty airport that was. For how busy it was, they had about 20 chairs to wait in. I found this unacceptable. Did you know that Memphis is the #1 cargo carrying airport in the world? Number 2 was Paris, France. Apparently the time zones and the fact that Memphis is centrally located (kinda?) is what makes it such a popular destination. You could look it up, but I think 11 million packages go through that airport every day. Or is that too much? I don't really recall - I was still not functioning very well so the fact that I could actually read words at all was comforting enough. Another large family was hustling and bustling a few yards away. The father had a WI tee on. There were 5 very small children crying, eating, yelling, and doing other kid things. He walked by me numerous times muttering 'fuck' under his breath. I didn't really feel bad for him though, as it's his fault for goin to town without a hat on, ya know? The youngest child couldn't have been more than a year old. She could talk, but barely. A lot of that incoherent stuff that kids 'say' at that age.
Fast forward to the plane. We're waiting to lift off, and we're a few planes in line. It really wasn't all that funny - but it made me laugh my ass off: No more than 5 minutes in, the previously mentioned young child started screaming. Crying screaming. Through the garbled yelling, I could make out only one phrase. "IIII WAANT MY DA-DDYYYY" This was repeated about 100 times, no joke. I'm laughing in my seat, and the guy next to me thinks I'm nuts. The only real reason I was laughing so hard was the fact that a) The mother was the only one with her and b) IT WAS IN FIRST CLASS!!! All the hoity toity bastards & bastardesses (just made that one up now, folks) were scowling at the helpless mother. They paid all that extra money to get bigger seats, amazing service, free drinks - only to have this dumb kid SCREAM at the top of her lungs in search for her daaaaadddyyyy for 15 minutes. 15 solid minutes of uncontrollable crying. I laughed really hard.
My flight touched down in (cold) Milwaukee around 9:30.

My flights to Milwaukee were heaven compared to what Schmill went through. The atrocities that he experienced on his return trip were enough to push any human to their limit. Delays. Cancellations. Emus. Just kidding. But he was so frustrated during and after the ordeal, that I told him he should write about it. So he did. The following is directly from the Schmill himself, sent to me:

While returning from a recent trip to Florida I had the opportunity to witness very interesting traits among fellow Americans. I also got to experience corporate greed at its finest. My US Airways flight back to Milwaukee from Charlotte was severely delayed and we had finally gotten on to the tarmac to take off. We began the acceleration off the runway but never left the ground. The frustration among all passengers immediately rose. Once back at the terminal we learned the door sensors alerted it wasn’t shut. An hour later, we learned the flight was cancelled. This is where it became interesting. People began scrambling to butt in line to talk with the ticketing agent, Stephanie. She was frantically trying to get alternate flight arrangements from her head office yet the questions/concerns/complaints kept on coming to her. Some passengers made their calls to get alternate flights. One amazing person actually found an alternate flight to Milwaukee and gave the reservation up to a mother travelling with her newborn child; one of the nicest things I’ve seen in awhile. Poor Stephanie was running out of same day flights and reported that arrangements were being made to send us home the next day. People were not happy and some even banded together to get back to Milwaukee. A group of 5 strangers took an alternate flight to St. Louis and bided to drive the 6 hours to Milwaukee. I on the other hand decided to take the next day flight. After a shitty nights’ sleep, I was off to Philadelphia to catch a connecting flight on Midwest back home (I was looking forward to the cookie). However, after a 3 hour layover and then checking in at the Midwest ticket counter, they said US Airways had reserved my flight but hadn’t sent over my ticket. Not happy. I trek over to another terminal to find a US Airways agent. They first off had no idea what I was talking about and then once they found my information, instead of sending the ticket over and sending me on my initial flight, they booked me on a delayed US Airways flight 6 hours later. Pissed off, I took my 10 dollars of meal vouchers “for the inconvenience” and wasted my Saturday at the Philadelphia airport. Needless to say, it was a shitty way to end a vacation; I finally made it back to Milwaukee and shall choose US Airways as a last resort from now on.

Airports and airplanes are crazy. The end.

Attempting Floridian Fame Vol II : The Overview

2008-04-09T09:51:00.003-05:00

Hello internet people. As you already know, it's been awhile. This is largely due to being busy at work before and after taking a vacation. To where, you say? Look at the title! It was time again to visit the land of South Florida for beaches, broads, and beer. March 26th through April 2nd consisted of basking in the sun and doing a lot of drinking. A huge thank you goes out to 'Mr. S' for the accomodations and chauffering Schmill and I around. The next few posts will be dedicated to the trip, and start with the title 'AFF2'. I did bring my journal again this year, but was too drunk/hungover to write in it very much. These posts will be from the memory of Schmill and I. Thank you for reading. Let's attempt Floridian fame...

(A pregnant man-tourist takes a touristy picture - looped of course...)

Who eats this stuff?

2008-03-05T14:55:00.004-06:00

Everytime I see an Ihop commercial on tv, I come close to puking in my mouth. Seriously - who eats these pancake things with strawberry cardiac arrest glaze and whip cream on top? Not I, nor anyone else I know. Long gone are the days where a dollop of butter & some maple syrup adorned the pancake. Apparently Americans now shovel this concoction of glucose and flour into their pie-holes (should it now be changed to pancake-holes? This is a serious question I'm posing to you) Never have I felt the urge to have my flapjacks drowning in some blueberry-syrup, whipped cream topped mess. It just doesn't make any sense. How messed up do you have to be to look at your server & order the 'death platter' ? Make sure to hold the banana slices though - you wouldn't want anything slightly nutritious in there. But feel free to throw in some yogurt or ice cream, chief.

To be honest, I was going to end this post right here, with a picture of the new grotesque inventions from the sick minds over at IHOP. Here they are, the new 'shortcake' pancakes:

But the worst is yet to come. Upon venturing to their corporate site, I got hit with this:

...The FUCK is that? You have to be kidding me. It's not like America is the most obese nation in the world or anything. If you're a parent, and you let your kids eat this - punch yourself in the throat. Dr. Seuss-inspired FATcakes for the kids? I'm blown away. Little Timmy will have to sit out a few days in gym class, due to his arteries choking on the chunks of pure fat gurgling through them. Poor lad. He had so much going for him. If the visually stunning sugar glaze isn't enough for their sweet-tooth, the sucker bursting through the top of this disgusting Everest mountain of shit sure will be. The description, courtesy of IHOP:

"Who-Ville's Who-cakes with lots and lots of surprises. Shortcake pancakes of all shapes and sizes. Real boysenberry and blueberry glaze on top. With rainbow chocolate chips and a pink lollipop!"

I think I'm truly upset.

The J. Geils Band is not smart.

2008-03-03T14:39:00.005-06:00

A couple weeks ago Dan & I went to a record store to check the place out. The idea was to decorate our white walls with LP's that had illustrated covers. It worked out well. Jimi Hendrix, Moody Blues, Steve Winwood, and the J. Geils Band were some of the artists purchased. Here's our sexy interior decorating outcome:

From left to right: Steve Winwood - Talking Back to the Night, Jimi Hendrix - The Cry of Love, Wha-Koo - Berkshire, J. Geils Band - Live! Full House, Moody Blues' The Present and In Search of the Lost Chord. Some really cool illustrations on the last 2 Moody Blues covers. Anyways, let's take a closer look at the J. Geils Band LP.

Hmmm. Bright. Vibrant. Yellow.

A closer look. You tell me what's wrong with this picture.

Is there something I'm missing? Is the J. Geils band this stupid, or is there a hidden meaning here? Playing a joke on the fans? I'm lost. If anyone has info on this, let me know. If you still haven't figured it out - I'm not going to tell you.

Erotic Falconry & Erin Andrews.

2008-02-28T23:14:00.005-06:00

Ah yes. My 2 favorite E's...

What I'm about to show you will set your feeble mind ablaze.

The first is a (gag?) site that a copywriter in New York created. If you don't laugh at the sheer hilarity of this website, take a look in the mirror. You may not have a soul. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard just looking at pictures. Without further ado, I bring you the world of Erotic Falconry.

Those falcons are such pervs.

The second page comes from the sports blog ALL BALLS. As every heterosexual male in America knows, Erin Andrews is hotter than freakin' magma. She's basically 2nd in line behind Oprah when it comes to television's most powerful women. Mad props to the boys over there who decided that the 'Top 10 Erin Andrews Moments' needed to be shown to all of the internet. Bless their hearts. I have nothing witty to say. My brain goes numb when I see her.

The Top 10 Erin Andrews Moments (Video)

(This post was made using Dan Krueg's MacBook Pro. I highly recommend it.)

10 Things I Need to Do Before I Turn 25

2008-02-27T16:21:00.004-06:00

See that thing in the middle of that picture? It's called a rut. Right now in my life, I am in one. I'm usually a very upbeat, optimistic young man. But so far 2008 has started off, well, shit-tastically. Between my poor health, car troubles, and relationship issues, it's been less than stellar. To be honest, up to this point in my life I haven't really had to make any truly important decisions. I really haven't. I also realized that in 10 short months I will be 25 years old. A quarter of a century. I graduated over a year ago with a (fun, light workload) major that basically gives you nothing for the 'real world' (Hollerrrr @ journalism majors....!) and still have no full time job. To break out of this proverbial 'rut', I've come up with something I've never done before.

I wrote down goals for myself.

I've never read any self help books or anything like them, but I do know making goals for yourself is healthy and can help you 'find out who you really are' or . . . some dumb zen mind-body-soul type shit. I'm not sure. Some aren't even goals, but are just things I want to accomplish before my next birthday. They are not in order of importance. I usually don't get too personal with the stuff I write here, so read with that in mind I guess.

Below is what I wrote, verbatim, in a notebook:

Things that need to happen before I turn 25
1.) Work Out. Fucking do it.
2.) Eat Vitamins. They'll only help.
3.) Limit Alcohol Consumption. Boo too much of a good thing.
4.) Play the Lottery. Can't win if you don't play!
5.) Talk to Strangers. Break out of the shell.
6.) Get a Job. Not having one is hurting my wallet, and possibly, my self esteem.
7.) Don't Worry. Worrying gets you nowhere. Things will fall into place.
8.) Get a tattoo. Aesthetically pleasing & something I deeply care about.
9.) Travel More. Find a way to travel on a slim budget.
10.) Get rid of Unnecessary personal possessions. Some things collect dust. Some people have a use for those things.

Will I follow through with any of them? Maybe. Probably not. Hopefully. But if I accomplish one or more, perhaps I'll be better from it. Who knows.
Sappy blog post check - 1. I'll try to stick to my moronic and slightly chuckle-worthy self from now on. In the meantime, wrap it up, kids.

Post Oscar Thoughts version 2.0

2008-02-25T12:46:00.002-06:00

Hey readers. Last February I posted what I thought of the Oscars. I had last night off (I work at the bar on some Sunday nights), so I decided to do the same thing again this time around. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have time to go see many of the nominees this year. Matter of fact - the only 2 I saw were The Bourne Ultimatum and Juno. As the program began.. .. .. so did my mind:

How does the winner of Best Costume Design (Elizabeth) wear such a hideous outfit? I know nothing about fashion, I'll be the first to admit it. What I do know is that lady walked into her den and pulled the drapes off the window, quickly wrapped it around her albino-esque body, and exited the room.

The Montage is still one of the greatest things ever. Period.

Dear Katherine Heigl - No one cares you're nervous. You look hot. Please act like it.

Eddie Murphy - Please make 1 movie where you don't play multiple characters. We get it. You're 'versatile' and 'funny'. In fact, how about you just stick to making Beverly Hills Cop movies. People liked those. I don't think I've enjoyed any of your movies that have come out in the past 10 years. (Shrek doesnt count). If you do decide to make another BHC movie, make sure Judge Reinhold is in it.

"The Happy Working Song" - The 21st century's answer to "Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody do their Share" song. I can't believe this l'il ditty is being sung at the Oscars. Slim pickin's for original music in the movies last year eh? I Wonder what would happen if sweatshop tyrants played this song all day. The kids productivity would SOAR! SOAR I TELL YOU!

Catherine Zeta-Jones...Douglas? I know it's a bit late - but - honey, you could've done better.

And the Golden Compass wins for Visual FX! All I gotta say is, SUCK IT, MICHAEL BAY!

The 'Binoculars & Parascopes' and 'Bad Dreams' montages were very worthwhile. I don't care what anyone says!

So the guy who won for the 'Peter and the Wolf' actually brought the Peter doll on stage with him. I was burning with anticipation of what he would do with it. I was hoping he would be a ventriloquist and thank the academy with the doll. Sadly, no dice. He brought the puppet on stage, and then did NOTHING with it. WTF. He strolled on down and acted completely normal. What a letdown.

How many of Jon Stewart's comments were ad-libbed? I want to know this answer.

Per Hallberg - aka guy who won for sound editing (Bourne Ultimatum) looks like a straight up child molester. The dangly earring and blond ponytail are a bit much dude. Per Hallberg? More like Perv Hallberg (I'm sure he's never heard this one before...)

I feel like I could hang out with Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. And then I feel like they could make me famous by giving me a small, yet memorable role in an upcoming movie of theirs. Yes, my path to success in this world relies on Seth Rogen & Jonah Hill.

On Frank Caliendo and Frank Caliendo portraying George Bush in those awful 'Frank TV' commercials - "Well, both of them won't be around much longer". - Dan Krueger

Harrison Ford looks like he absolutely HATES life. Hates it. Is it because you're still dating Calista Flockhart? She looks like an emu that got in a fight with a bulldozer.

Me Tarzan. You Diablo Cody. (Aka winner of original screenplay for Juno. She wore this jungle inspired leopard dress. This morning, I discovered that she is a former stripper. Ah, this is all falling into place now...)

Last but not least, Mr. Daniel Day Lewis (DDL from now on) for being such a badass. At least, for being a badass in all of his movies. But during the acceptance speech, he seemed really awkward, and extremely timid. I guess he's just the best actor of all time, cuz his demeanor really caught me off guard. Give that man a hatchet!

There you have it. Post-Oscar thoughts. Do you have any? Did you even watch it? Leave a comment and let me know.

Feb. Tunes

2008-02-20T15:46:00.002-06:00

Like the title says...

35.) Beck - Timebomb
34.) Robbie Rivera - Which Way You're Going
33.) Keane - Broken Toy
32.) Oren Lavie - Her Morning Elegance
31.) The Whigs - Right Hand on My Heart
30.) Doug Burr - Thing About Trouble
29.) Linkin Park - Shadow of the Day (Blake Jarrel Remix)
28.) Michael Jackson - P.Y.T. (original)
27.) Shiny Toy Guns - You are the One
26.) Every Move a Picture - Signs of my life
25.) The Lovemakers - Shake that Ass
24.) Peaches - Boys Want to be Her
23.) Anberlin - Inevitable
22.) Mark Ronson ft. Lily Allen - Oh My God
21.) The Weepies - Stars
20.) Story of the Year - March of the Dead
19.) The Sharp & Harkins Band - TEHO
18.) Talib Kweli - Go With Us
17.) Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
16.) Sea Wolf - Winter Windows
15.) DJ Shadow - You Made it
14.) Obadiah Parker - Hey Ya
13.) Chemical Brothers - Saturate
12.) Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game
11.) The Black Keys - Give your Heart Away
10.) Atmosphere - Little Math You
9.) Atmosphere - The Things that Hate Us
8.) Atmosphere - Domestic Dog
7.) Snoop Dogg ft. Too $hort & Mistah Fab - Life of tha Party
6.) Beatfreakz - Somebody's Watching Me
5.) Evans Blue - Caught a Lite Sneeze
4.) Evans Blue - Possession
3.) Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
2.) Evans Blue - In a Red Dress and Alone
1.) LCD Soundsystem - Get Innocuous! (Soulwax Remix)

Videos/Links to come when and if I feel like it.

The 2008 SI Swimsuit Issue Sucks.

2008-02-19T23:01:00.007-06:00

The 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Those words resonate well in most men across the World. Looking at scantilly clad beauties on beaches in various locales really rocks my boat. Unfortunately, I was somewhat disappointed with the outcome in the 2008 edition. And here's why.

Marisa 'the most perfect specimen of woman to walk God's green Earth' Miller graces the cover. And it's infeckincredible. Seriously - straight up jaw-dropping beauty. So I'm eager to see more. Let's dive into the issue, where there are 20 more models to oogle over. That's fine - every guy has different tastes. But when you put a vixen like Ms. Miller on the cover, you should probably have more than TEN PICTURES OF HER IN THE MAGAZINE. Ten pictures, total. Seriously, SI, are your editors slightly retarded? What a travesty. On the upside for SI (and you), they put up more pics of the photoshoot online. And thank god. Perhaps print IS dead. Print Edition: C. Online Edition: A-.

Peep some of the pics that weren't in the print version, courtesy of SI....

Cover

Marisa Miller is like Medusa. Minus the snakes and the turning you into stone.

Hey are your feet ok? Need me to come take care of you? No? You sure? Ok...

In all seriousness - this is just wrong to subject men to stuff like this.

I call this one "The Luckiest job(s) in the World". I bet the photographer was gay.

More here: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/features/2008_swimsuit/models/marisa-miller/

Slug offers wisdom

2008-02-14T14:45:00.005-06:00

One of the greatest MC's on God's green Earth, SLUG, just wrote an advice column for the Onion/A.V. Club in honor of everyone's favorite holiday, Valentine's day. It's classic, especially if you're familiar with his tone & vocab. I recommend going to read it here: http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/dear_slug

Also deserving mention is Atmosphere's new album When Life Gives you Lemons, you Paint that Shit Gold. It comes out in about 2 months. In the meantime, I highly advise you to go download Strictly Leakage here for free:

http://www.rhymesayers.com/atmosphere/

Feb. Tunes will be posted soon, and plenty of songs from that album will be on there. In the meantime, happy Thursday - don't let a ridiculous greeting card company holiday get you down.

Jake gets his sobriety tested

2008-02-07T19:22:00.000-06:00

About a month ago, I received an IM from my buddy Tom that went something like this:

Tom: Wanna get drunk for free on the city of Milwaukee?

Jake: Yes. When?

Tom: First Friday in Feb.

Jake: Ooh. I work man.

Tom: So take off. It'll be fun

Jake: Yeah I guess I could do that.

Tom: K I'll give you more info when I know about it.

Short & sweet. 'Drunk' and 'free' in the same sentence? Say no more. Tom is currently a recruit in the Milwaukee Police Academy. He is one of 24 young gentlemen selected who are the future of the law in Milwaukee county. As part of their training, they need to test the drunkenness of 20 lucky individuals. It is good to know people! 2 weeks prior to the event, I get another IM:

Tom: So what do you want to drink?

Jake: I get to choose?!

Tom: Yeah - the cops who set it up go out and buy it.

Jake: Fock!

Tom: But no beer.

Jake: Why?

Tom: Cuz it doesn't get you drunk fast enough.

Jake: Haha ok. Vodka tonics.

Tom: Really?

Jake: Yes dude.

Great. So vodka tonics it was. I was extremely excited to do this. Fast forward a few weeks, and it's the Thursday night before the event. I drive to Tom's place in Milwaukee because I'm going to go with him to work in the morning. Of course there was a massive snowfall, and it takes about an hour longer than it should have. He informs me that we have to leave his place by 7am. This sucks ass, because the last time I woke up at 6:15 was the summer of 2002 when I worked at the Racine County Public Works department. At any rate, after hours of playing Call of Duty 4 by myself, I went to bed around midnight.

Groggy and confused, 6:15 seemed like I achieved 45 minutes of sleep. We get to the police department a bit before 8, and Tom directs me down to the cafeteria. Unfortunately for me, I was pretty much the only person in there for about 3 hours, because the drunk show didn't start until 10. I couldn't drive there myself because for some reason, cops don't want 20 drunk people driving from their HQ. I figured the other participants lived in the Milwaukee area and wouldn't come until it was time to start (I was right). So I read the paper for 3 hours. Excruciating. I came to the conclusion that the paper is just a very eloquent version of television. I hate watching news on TV because I find it super depressing. The same depressing news stories are in the paper - they're just polished a bit more, like a pompous prick would tell them to you at a coffee shop. I needed a drink.

10:00 rolled around and I was directed to the "Tavern Scene" room on the 2nd floor. The police department seemed more like and old school or an outdated church than a police station. The second floor was littered with enthusiastic new recruits - with their freshly ironed navy blue slacks and hiiiilariously ugly huge-brimmed police department hats. These things looked like they were straight from the 80's, and would make any cool cat seem like a fucking square. The Tavern Scene room was exactly that - a classroom converted to a bar. Complete with Jukebox, Gambling machines, a pool table, and of course, a long wooden bar with the standard mirror on the wall behind it. 20 or so guys and 1 girl (no she was not cute, nor did she get cute throughout the day) were strewn around 5 or 6 tables filling out paperwork and awaiting instructions. 2 officers eventually came in to lay down a couple of ground rules and to explain what we were going to do. We were going to drink - but we weren't going to be told how much alcohol would be poured into our drinks. This disclosure was to avoid 'competition within the drinkers'. I laughed out loud. The cops were going to write down on a chart who was drinking what, and how much of that alcohol was poured into each of their drinks. We were not allowed to go on bathroom breaks without a chaperone. Were they afraid of the puke & rally? I don't remember their rationale. I think it was because they didn't want the drunk people to get lost, which happened on numerous occasions they had said. We all laughed out loud. The officer explained that it wasn't a race, and the guys who drink too fast usually don't make it for 4 hours. One guy got so drunk once that he thought the door to get to the hallway was THE WINDOW. Seriously, how drunk do you have to get to not know the difference between a door and a fucking window? I've been hammered before, but never enough to fail to recognize the dissimilarities between a door and a window. With that said, we were given the standard red plastic solo cups, with our names and what liquor we were drinking written in sharpee, and the drinking commenced.

You can imagine how awkward it might be drinking in a small room disguised as a bar inside the Milwaukee police department. It's kind of like having a pig roast at a PETA convention. I started chatting it up with one of the two officers behind the bar about his job. I don't remember much (this will become a common theme in this post). What I do remember is the amount of liquor he showed me when he opened up the liquor closet. The gin I was drinking (switched to gin & tonics moments before we started) was from a house party they busted a few weeks ago. They had a whole case of 1/2 liter Gordon's Gin at their disposal, and instead of making the guilty party dump it out - they decided to take it for the test. Awesome. The vodka of the day: Fleishmans. The Gin: Gordon's. It's gonna be a rough day. A few of the guys started complaining, and one of the officers said, "You could have brought your own. Didn't your recruit tell you that?" The place was in an uproar. You would have thought they were kicked out or something. Ungrateful bastards. A large, meathead looking guy struck up a conversation with me an hour into it. I'm omitting his first name, but the guy's last name was Stoner. Ha, awesome. Stoner was a firefighter. This firefightin jackass was pounding rum & cokes. I think he had 5 between 10:30 and noon. So much for pacing yourself. What I was unaware of, was the bad blood between firefighters and police officers. Cops don't like firefighters, and vice versa. The more firefighter drank, the more he would talk. And the more he talked, the dumber the jackass sounded. Eventually the cop just walked away in the middle of dude's sentence. Originally firefighter was cool, but the more I drank, the less of his voice I wanted to hear. Strange. By noon, we were all social butterflies, drinking and talking about anything and everything with everyone. Our blood-alcohol levels were tested at noon, 2:15, and finally 3:15.

(Short side story. Of all the guys in the room, I found "Zach" to be the strangest at first. They say don't judge a book by it's cover - but unfortunately, that's exactly what I did. He was a slight outcast at first, not really talking to anyone. He was dressed in girl-esque black skinny jeans and zip up striped black and white hoodie, and had black, bed-head shoulder-length hair. 'Unkept' would be a great descriptive word. An hour before the test ended, I struck up a drunken (I admit, I felt very drunk around 2) conversation with Zach. Turns out that he used to be a graphic designer for Hanson Dodge Creative out of Milwaukee - one of the head advertising agencies in the region. They currently handle the Trek Bikes account, a large client. One of my teachers from the portfolio school recently got a job there. Such a small world. Moral of the story is not to be a judgmental asshole. Zach was an awesome guy.)

Onto the field sobriety testing. Most of us were in bad shape around 3:30. The 2 officers in the room told us we would all get tested 8 times. We were to listen to the recruits instructions carefully, and act only when told to. My goal, obviously, was to be drunk and pass all tests with flying colors. Talk about wishful thinking. The 20 drunks, myself included, were spaced evenly throughout the length of the 2nd floor hallway, and were confronted by groups of 3 recruits each. First test - eye tracking. With my hands at my sides and my feet planted together, I was instructed to follow a pen back & forth with my eyes, while not moving my head. Easier said than done. I honestly didn't know how I did. In my mind, I figured I'd passed. Groups of wannabe cops came by, each trying to sound as authoritative and clear as possible. Holding the pen slightly above eye level & tracking it back & forth to detect 'something something stagmus'. Normal movement looks fluid and constant - drunk movement looks like your eyes are having a parkinson's-like seizure. The second test is walking the line. With one foot directly in front of the other, we were directed to walk heal-toe 9 times, counting each step out loud. Do this while looking down at your feet with your hands at your sides. When you reach 9, we were told to pivot on our left foot with short choppy steps until we faced the direction we came. These directions were confusing, even after the recruits showed us how to do it. When you're drunk, balancing with one foot in front of the other is hard enough as it is. Take out the ability to balance by sticking your arms out - aaaand you're in for it. I failed. My 'line' was more of a 'zigzag'.

The third test was the balance test. Wow. Where do I begin. Ladies and gentlemen - I dare you to try this one. Try it sober. Try it drunk. Try it after breakfast. Try it after dinner. You will fail. If I got pulled over after drinking 1 beer and blowing .02, I would fail this test. The pop quiz: With your hands at your sides and your head down, choose either foot to balance on. With the other foot, keeping it 6 inches off the ground and pointed downward, count 'one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three one thousand' until told to stop. I can't begin to tell you how hard this test is. ESPECIALLY if you've been drinking. I was dancing like a spanish salsa dancer. I don't think I got to 5 seconds during any one test. I may have not even got to 5 seconds TOTAL in 8 tries. One time, I was hopping so ferociously that I almost fell over into one of the recruits, causing them to put out their hands to 'catch me'. I was embarassed. I really was. I couldn't help but laugh at the time though. They knew I was drunk, I knew I was drunk...it was almost as if I was wasting their time. "No, recruits - you can skip station Jake, it's a lost cause". I should have told them that, cuz it was the truth. With all the drinkers freshly tested, freshly drunk, and in need of a bathroom break, the testing was over, and it was back to the tavern to finish our drinks and get our results.

The room was in high spirits, even though most of us knew that if this were real life, we'd totally be screwed. But this wasn't real life. This was fun make believe time, yaay! We were told how many ounces of liquor we consumed between breathalyzed times, and what our BAC was at those times. In addition, we were told how many of the 8 groups of recruits 'arrested' us.

My results: From 10:30a.m. - 12:05p.m., I consumed 6 oz of gin in 3 drinks. Technically thats 2 shots of gin per drink. Normal for most bars, I'm guessing.

BAC: .89

This scared the shit out of me. Literally scared the shit out of me. At the first point of being breathalyzed, I remember feeling fine. Feeling normal. Not even feeling buzzed. .89. Couldn't believe it. I will NEVER drink and drive again. I URGE you to do the same. I honestly felt absolutely fine. Scary stuff.

From 12:05p.m. - 2:15p.m. I consumed a total of 8 oz of gin in 4 drinks. I also took a shot of Soco.

BAC: .169

From 2:15p.m. - 3:15p.m., I have no written total for amount consumed. I think the final was 8 oz of gin and 2 oz of Soco.

BAC: .187 (second highest in the class, behind, you guessed it, meathead firefighter guy)

So there you have it. .187. 4 hours of drinking. At my 3:15 breathalyzer, I felt drunk - but I felt that I could keep drinking. I would have kept drinking had it been 12:30 at a bar somewhere. I bet you can guess how many times I was arrested. 8 of 8 groups arrested me based on my field sobriety tests. Most drinkers were arrested 8 of 8 times, but there were a few who escaped the law that day with 6 of 8 or 7 of 8 arrested. If memory serves correctly, I think one drinker was arrested 5 of 8 times. Which makes me wonder why the 3 other recruits didn't arrest that individual? WTF man? In conclusion, cars + drinking = don't mix. For your own good, don't drive after you've had a few. You'll regret it man. Tom laughed as he greeted me in the tavern room when the work day was over. He called me a drunk dumbass and that was that. As a memento of one of the most fun drinking days of my life, we were able to keep out mouthpiece from the breathalyzer. A sweet sweet token of success (failure?).

Snowstorm of the Century!

2008-02-06T12:23:00.001-06:00

Wow. Being a Wisconsinite for 24 years now, I don't ever recall a snowstorm like the one we are currently having. This is insane. For some ungodly reason, I drove into work today at 10am, as we had a delayed start. Upon arrival, I noted that I was ONE of FOUR people who showed up. I just may be the most dedicated intern in the state of Wisconsin. On my drive home, after an hour of 'work', my windshield got so bad that for a brief second I STUCK MY HEAD OUT MY WINDOW TO SEE BETTER. Eat your heart out Ace Ventura. Constant sirens in the background, zero visibility, drifts, plows working 24-7 - the scene is almost undescribable. Here's the kicker - 3 months ago at Happy Wok, my fortune cookie said "Remember this day 3 months from now". I said I would fill you in on what would happen - amazingly it affected everyone. Sorta eerie man!!! Anyways, I figured I would have to take pictures of this for future reference...or something.

Picture from the back door of my apartment. There's a small grassy area that leads to the Yahara River.

Aaaaand then I notice that I'm about 8 inches deep in snow. And this is right outside the door - meaning there was more until I pushed the snow from the door swinging open.

Well well well. Some Duckaroos quackin in the river. How are their webbed feet not cold? Seriously...

Sorry guys, I don't have any bread.

Panning right: You could see super-thin sheets of ice floating down the river.

I think the congregation doubled in 10 seconds of them seeing me. Guys, I seriously have no bread.

Expressing my distaste for powder.

Panning Left: Who's gonna win a photo competition? THIS GUY. You should see the hi-res version of this.

Summer can't come soon enough...

On Music

2008-01-31T09:32:00.000-06:00

Those of you who know me well know that I am a music freak. When time allows, I listen to a lot of different stuff, and also read up on as much as I can. My eclectic taste (and it IS eclectic) derives from my parents. My mother spoonfed classical music to me as a child. One of the greatest pieces of all time that's permanently engrained in my mind is Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King". (That's his sexy mug to the right). I remember her playing it for me in the house, and my brother and I chasing each other around the dining room table when the tempo picks up near the end. Before my teen years, my father saved me from nerd band stardom and played some Black Sabbath, Kansas, Jethro Tull, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden among others to introduce me to the world of rock n roll. For as long as I can remember, my parents have listened to a great classic rock station out of milwaukee, 96.5 WKLH (http://www.wklh.com/). The dial rarely moves. During middle school, I switched to R&B and hip-hop for awhile. When high school rolled around, I was diving into trance and techno. My first love has always been 90's alternative, but I'll listen to anything except for country music. This diverse background has molded me to the music afficionado that writes this to you today.

A common question I've been getting lately is, "How do you find your music"? Welcome to the internet, my friend.

I tend not to listen to the radio a lot. Popular music annoys the shit out of me, and a rotation of 15 songs for 2 weeks just doesn't cut it in my book. A good resource to check out if you're interested on what's getting airplay is Radio & Records (http://www.radioandrecords.com/). Hover over the 'CHARTS' tab and you'll see what's getting spinning in America.

Another great resource, although I hate to admit it, is Myspace (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music). Some bands are even opting to use their myspace music profile as their main page on the net. In my opinion, Myspace really reinvented itself from the Goth-Emo-Child HQ to a Music Mecca. You can find some really great new bands just browsing around.

I used to read a lot of music magazines, but I've slowly filtered them out. Rolling Stone (http://www.rollingstone.com/) kinda sucks, but I do enjoy their 'Download This!' section. Fader (http://www.thefader.com/magazine) and Mixmag (http://www.mixmag.net/) are both good reads every now and then if you can find them. But a magazine that has really grabbed my attention lately is Paste Magazine (http://www.pastemagazine.com/). It's an odd lil read with great insight on new music, sections on art, design, and culture - and comes with a free cd! It really tickles my fancy.

As far as blogs go, there's none better than the Hypemachine (http://hypem.com/). One view from that site and you'll be hooked forever. Browsing it for the first time is like taking your first bite of cotton candy as a lad. Mad props go to Gus (http://phishnchipswsuw.blogspot.com/) for pointing me in the right direction. The Hypemachine selects the greatest mp3 blog posts of the day and fits it into one convenient package for you to scan. It's truly one of my favorite, most visited sites on the web. Make sure to check out each blogs 'friends' or 'other music blogs' on the left, or right-hand sides of the page. You can literally spend hours browsing them.

I'm still not sure how I got into electronica music. I don't dance or do drugs, so it's still a mystery to me as to why I like it as much as I do. It's a puzzling genre, with plenty of ridiculous sub-genres to be tied with it. So, if you're not a fan, go ahead and skip to the next section. I first got my trance fix from TranceAddict (http://www.tranceaddict.com/), but I don't think it's updated anymore. Become a member of Euroadrenaline (http://www.euroadrenaline.com/) though, and you'll witness a world of great people and great music. The forums there are a great resource for the newest in house, trance, and electro. Recently I've discovered BeatPort (http://www.beatport.com/) and Track it Down (http://www.trackitdown.net/), but haven't purchased anything off of them yet. Trance.nu (htttp://www.trance.nu) is also a great resource for dance music news.

Lastly - go listen to some internet radio. You'd be surprised about the new music you can find on there. I prefer slacker's (http://www.slacker.com/) customizable radio stations. You can listen to mine - search 'the Hip Trip Slip' (I would link you, but for some reason, Slacker decides to cycle through songs at will...not sure why). A friend of mine enjoys Pandora Radio (http://www.pandora.com/), which selects tracks based on what you like. On the electronica side of things again, I listen to di.fm (http://www.di.fm/) regularly. If you have the cash, go for a portable Sirius or XM satellite radio.

Hope this update helps you in finding, sharing, listening, and most importantly - supporting - good music. Now you know where I come from. Get out there and make love to your ears!

This could get ugly . . .

2008-01-17T10:17:00.000-06:00

It's official. I'm in love with Madison.

About a hundred feet away from my apartment's front door lies Mickey's Tavern. Nestled at the end of Williamson St. on Madison's East side, it's a kickass little place that was once a house. Now its a full fledged bar with awkwardly cool little rooms, filled with colorful couches, decor, and what-have-you. I was also told it's got a badass beer garden in the summer.

This could get ugly.

There's no doubt in my mind that my roomate Dan and I will fall victim to becoming the 'locals'. And I'm perfectly ok with that. Upon entry last night, we walked in to see about 10 musicians playing Irish folk music in a bar no bigger than your living room. Really, it's that small. We were mesmerized. I don't even think we talked for 10 straight minutes, just glowing in the sheer awesomeness that is Irish folk music. I forget what beer I had - but I had a lot of them. Dan decided to strap the helmet on and order about 5 Jack & Cokes, which he proclaimed to be 'STRONG!' It's amazing how much you can drink and not even realize it. Especially when you've got some good tunes goin. One of the females playing the fiddle even hit on Dan at one point.

This place is awesome.

Between the guitars, fiddles, violins, clarinet, and little flute-piccolo looking thing, this one guy busted out bagpipes. They weren't Scottish bagpipes like the ones you're used to, oh no. This was an IRISH Bagpipe. The fiddle-player sitting next to him tried to explain how it worked to us (mainly Dan), but (a) I was too busy looking at the guy playing it, (b) i was nearing the stage of drunkenness, and (c) his accent was thick, and slightly incoherent. Regardless, it was awesome. He went on to say that the group of them just get together every Wednesday night and jam. And that they've done it for 20 years now, but the owner feels like he needs to switch it up and get some new music or just do something else in there. Please owner of Mickey's Tavern - do not do this. It's a Wednesday night. Let the Irishmen have their fun in your bar that's no bigger than my fist. Please? We ended the night with a great idea I had - "Let's do Irish Car Bombs!" Our bartenders of the night, Kurt and Dan, obliged. After listening to us babble on about how we live less than a block away, we triumphantly slammed our shots. And they paid for them. All four of them. "Welcome to the neighborhood." Kurt said.

This could get very, very ugly.

*note - apparently this place isn't even Irish. Upon further investigation found online, Mickey's owner is actually German, and his real name is Milton. Milton's tavern doesn't sound nearly as cool as Mickey's though, does it? Screw it - it my mind, this place is, and will always be, Irish. They have Guinness on tap, and the Car Bombs were speeeectacular. What more do you need?*

Look, Irish Bagpipes! >>>

A thank you to the Green Bay Packers

2008-01-16T14:14:00.000-06:00

To the Green Bay Packers: Thank you. This season has been nothing short of miraculous. What a joy it has been to watch you outperform your enemy on Sundays. Win after win after win after win - it almost seems surreal. But it is really happening, one week at a time. If you would have told me before week 1 that the Packers would go 13-3 this season, I would have laughed in your face. Laughed long and laughed hard. Brett Favre is playing some of the best football in his career at age 38. A team that once had no running game at all has seen an unknown Ryan Grant score 3 touchdowns and run for 201 yards in the playoff game last week vs. the Seahawks. Eat it, Matt Hasselback. This season has been absolutely magical. Just look at our record the past 3 years: 2005: 4-12. 2006: 8-8. 2007: 13-3. What a turnaround. It almost seems impossible. Believe it. Again, Green Bay Packers, thank you. You have fans around America rooting for you in the playoffs. You win as a team and you lose as a team (Oscar nominee: T.O.), but at this point I'd like to thank a few of you personally.

Ted Thompson - Apparently you're a genius. Thanks for doing whatever exactly it is that you've done.

Mike McCarthy - Thanks for letting Brett Favre do whatever he wants to. It's fun to watch

Brett Favre - Where to begin? You're so likeable it hurts. I've called you God before. You're the sole commander of the team. If you told me to jump off a bridge I would probably do it. You have broken so many records it's sickening. Your first completed pass as a Packer was to yourself. Yeah. Nowadays you're pushing 40. Please don't ever retire. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't care for you a few years ago with all the interceptions you threw. Please accept my apology. You are the man of men. Also - thanks for having a smokin' hot wife.

Mason Crosby - For being a 212lb kicker. And making tons of field goals.

Aaron Rodgers - For getting rid of the ugly ass porn star moustache. And for playing surprisingly well when our #4 got dinged up in the Dallas game.

Atari Bigby - A thank you to your parents, who named you Atari, and quite obviously- smoked a lot of dope and played a ton of video games.

Charles Woodson - For being the leader in the backfield that you are. HEISMAN WHAT!

Ryan Grant - For establishing our running game.

Will Blackmon - For that badass game you had on special teams where you scored 2 touchdowns.

Al Harris - For not cutting your dreadlocks, and consistently covering the opponents best receiver. Some say you've lost a step - I say you're still one of the elite CB's in the league. F the naysayers.

Vernand Morency - For getting hurt, allowing Ryan Grant to play.

Aaron Rouse & Tramon Williams - For being younger than I am, and still kickin ass. You guys should be awesome defenders in a year or two.

A.J. Hawk - For looking like the modern-day neanderthal and grunting/screaming in the faces of cowering running backs. Secondly, for marrying the stunningly gorgeous Laura Quinn. Do you feel like you have to spear Brady when you see him at family functions? I bet he cries in his sleep.

Brady Poppinga - For 'Poppingaaaa'. Poppingaaa. It's fun to say. But seriously - hurt someone soon please.

Nick Barnett - For being relentless. You're a cocky sonofabitch, and that fits your position perfectly. You scare me. (in a good way)

Mark Tauscher - For staying in Wisconsin for so long and not asking to be traded, masturbating to death from boredom, or becoming a serial killer. A Badger and a Packer; I can't imagine a better football combination.

Aaron Kampman - For smothering QB's like I smother BBQ on my chicken: Thick.

Yeah that makes no sense. Shut up.

Chad Clifton - For being dependable and staying with GB for a long time.

Cullen Jenkins, Ryan Pickett, and Corey Williams - For swallowing up QB's like you swallowed up massive portions of your food growing up. I bet those people who called you fat so many years ago in grade school aren't making nearly as much money as you are right now. Suckas.

Donald Driver - For continuing to go on routes through the middle. And getting absolutely lit up in the process. And time after time, getting right back up just to go on the same route a few plays later to catch the same Favre bullet. It is incredible. Honestly. And for makin that money with the whole McD's arch card bullshit! If I ate there, I'd grab one of those cards with your bald mug on it. And I'd be pleased.

Koren Robinson - For kicking the habit. It's great to have you in green & gold.

Ruvell Martin - Thanks for being another asset to our offense. A great threat with great hands.

Greg Jennings - For being a stud. It's like Robert Brooks and Sterling Sharpe had a baby. And they named him Greg Jennings. I'm going to be buying your jersey soon. Thank you for the catch in OT vs Denver. Also thank you for the catch vs. the Raiders which you scored on. You made that dude look like he was pubescent teen on that 'tackle'.

Donald Lee - For catching touchdowns I guess.

Noah Herron & DeShawn Wynn - For getting hurt, allowing Ryan Grant to play.

James Jones - For a few of those crazy catches you've made this year. I haven't forgotten about some of those drops though. I'm not a professional athelete though. It's gonna be great to see what you can do next year.

KGB - For sharing your name with a badass Soviet rebel unit. Thanks to all the announcers who still pronounce his name wrong (there aren't many out there anymore, I believe)

Johnny Jolly - For straight up dominating at the beginning of the season. Get better. We need you.

GO PACKERS.

See also: Steve Czaban's article on the revived Packers: http://czabe.com/daily/archives/2008/01/packer_magic_wi.html

The biggest cat in the world

2008-01-08T20:12:00.000-06:00

Over Christmas break, I met up with some old high school friends of mine that I hadn't seen in awhile. The lovely Kate Smikowski, I'll-kick-your-ass Cory Martin, Taco-Dip Chef extraodinaire Heather Dahlman and I went to Houlihan's in Lake Geneva for some appetizers and drinks that were much too expensive. The ever faithful pimp of the ages and best friend Ben Eungard met up with us. Good times were had. I learned how to eat with chopstix. I learned that Houlihans has served over a billion stuffed mushrooms. True story.

Anyways, the true excitement of the night was when we went back to Heather's house and I saw the biggest cat in the world. It looked as if Sasquatch and a Wolverine procreated to make this thing. I would look up this term on wikipedia, but I'm too lazy. According to Heather, it has "ANGORA" fur, which makes it a shedding catastrophic mess. It was a very nice kitty to be honest.

And sorry about me talking during the video. One day I'll learn just NOT to speak when filming. But I had alcohol in me, so I couldn't help it. Enjoy.

and a picture for good measure (note the flashlight for scale - yeah, its a behemoth!)

Breaking Down one of the Worst Songs I've Ever Heard

2008-01-04T12:10:00.001-06:00

Unless you've been living in a closet for the past few months, you've probably seen the PS3 commercials with the gaming unit 'coming to life' and 'morphing into awesomeness'. It's a pretty cool concept, to be honest. Plus the motion graphics (especially the Spider-Man blu-ray one, where the PS3 has octopus tentacles & stuff) is top-notch. But that tv spot has ONE fault in my book. The music. Music makes or breaks commercials. And Saliva's - "Ladies and Gentlemen" is perhaps one of the worst songs I've ever heard. EVER. I think they only used it for the 'Like nothing you've seen before' lyric. I just shake my head. Have you actually listened to these lyrics? Seriously. Does Saliva think their fans are G.E.D. gettin', car maintenancin', white bread blue collared bums? Oh wait, they are. My fault. I'm going to post the original lyrics, so you can see how stupid they are. I'm getting dumber just thinking about it. Following the original lyrics, I'll break down the train wreck, line-by-line.

Saliva - "Ladies and Gentlemen"

Ladies and gentlemen please
Would you bring your attention to me?
For a feast for your eyes to see
An explosion of catastrophe

Like nothing you’ve ever seen before
Watch closely as I open this door
Your jaws will be on the floor
After this you’ll be begging for more

Welcome to the show
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

----------------------
woa
Do you want it?
woa
Do you need it?
woa
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen
----------------------
Ladies and gentlemen good evening
You’ve seen that seeing is believing
Your ears and your eyes will be bleeding
Please check to see if you’re still breathing

Hold tight cause the show is not over
If you will please move in closer
You're about to be bowled over
By the wonders you’re about to behold here

Welcome to the show (welcome to the show)
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

(Chorus)

Welcome to the show (Welcome to the show)
We're glad you came along (We're glad you came along)
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

(Chorus x4)

Wow. Wow. Say bye to your IQ. Please notice that there is NO WORTHWHILE CONTENT IN THIS SONG. Honestly, if you like this song, go die. Sorry. As promised, here is my remixed rendition of this caucophonic mess.

Saliva - "Ladies and Gentlemen" (Jakespeak Remix)

Ladies and gentlemen please People, really
Would you bring your attention to me? Look at me
For a feast for your eyes to see I SAID WATCH, DUDE!
An explosion of catastrophe Mass chaos and stuff

Like nothing you’ve ever seen before Watch this
Watch closely as I open this door Behind door #1...
Your jaws will be on the floor Aaaand now you have lockjaw
After this you’ll be begging for more Want more? I bet you do!

Welcome to the show Hi again
Please come inside Please watch us
Ladies and gentlemen All sexes

----------------------
woa *WHOA!
Do you want it? Want some?
woa Wowee!
Do you need it? Need some?
woa Woosh!
Let me hear it Did anyone hear that noise?
Ladies and gentlemen People

Boom Loud noises!
Do you want it? Want some?
Boom Loud noises!
Do you need it? Need some?
Boom Loud noises!
Let me hear it I need a hearing aid now
Ladies and gentlemen Hoes, manwhores.
----------------------
Ladies and gentlemen good evening Hi again, people
You’ve seen that seeing is believing What you see is what you get
Your ears and your eyes will be bleeding Our show sucks so bad you'll be bleeding out

out of your orrifices
Please check to see if you’re still breathing Someone check that guy's vitals over there

Hold tight cause the show is not over Sorry folks, we're contracted to play for an hour and a half at least
If you will please move in closer You don't HAVE to hide in the very back
You're about to be bowled over Please don't block the exits - anyone got any

marijuana?
By the wonders you’re about to behold here You are about to witness some more crazy

stuff.

Welcome to the show (welcome to the show) Nice to see you, nice to see you!
Please come inside Get back in here, mang!
Ladies and gentlemen Females, males.

(Chorus) *

Welcome to the show (x2) Have we met you before? Have

we?
We're glad you came along (x2) Thanks for taking the time to see our shitty

band infect you with stupidity.
Please come inside Come inside this circus shitstorm of a live

show
Ladies and gentlemen Women, men.

(Chorus x4)

I'm actually upset that this song was green-lit. And to think how much money they're probably making on it. Record companies - you wonder why sales are at an all time low? Thank Saliva. Speaking of, I'm gonna go yak cuz I have food poisoning.

Bye Bye 2007

2008-01-02T14:42:00.000-06:00

2007: You came. You conquered. You gave me syphillis. You threw snow, rain, sleet, hail, mud, sticks, branches, and prostitutes at my car. You gave me a birthday. You gave me a paid internship. You let me venture to Miami. You placed gallons of beer in front of my face. You gave me le internet, and it was good. I loved you 2007; but now you're gone. 2008: Be warned. I'm still heartbroken that 2007 left me. So no surprises or curveballs until March please. 2007 . . . you'll be in my heart forever.

Love,
Jake

..............................

December Aural Overload!
25) Maor Levi - Shapes (Oliver Smith Remix)
24) Killswitch Engage - Holy Diver
23) Within Temptation - What have you done (ft Keith Caputo)
22) Hurt - Ten Ton Brick
21) Paramore - Misery Business
20) Bloc Party - Hunting For Witches
19) DJ Collette - If
18) Blackstreet - No Diggity
17) Rage Against the Machine - Maria
16) Modest Mouse - Dashboard
15) Murs - Silly Girl
14) Dada - Dizz Knee Land
13) The Klaxons - Golden Skans
12) Anberlin - The Haunting
11) Fabolous & Ne-yo - Make Me Better
10) 50 Cent & Justin Timberlake - Ayo Technology
9) The Kicks - Mir
8) Nine Black Alps - Cosmopolitan
7) Simian Mobile Disco - I Believe
6) Red - Let Go
5) The-Dream ft. Fabolous - Shawty is a Ten
4) Saosin - Finding Home
3) Maximo Park - Our Velocity
2) Peaches - Boys Want to be Her
1) The Almost - Southern Weather

..............................

January Musica:
19) P.O.D. & Matisyahu - Roots in Stereo
18) Mudvayne - King of Pain
17) Kurupt - Who Ride Wit Us
16) Change of Pace - Song of the World can Sing Out Loud
15) Fenix Tx - Fortunate Son
14) Redman - Put it Down
13) JJoy & Kirsty Hawkshaw - Love is No Possession (Nick Murray Remix)
12) Screaming Trees - Nearly Lost You
11) D:Fuse - Everything with You ft. Jes
10) T.I. - You know what it is
9) Paul Wall - I'm Throwed
8) BT - Dreaming
7) Nonpoint - Witness
6) Thousand Foot Krutch - Falls Apart
5) Jose Gonzalez - Down the Line
4) Hurt - Better
3) Hurt - Loded
2) Hurt - Alone With the Sea
1) Skillet - The Last Night

..............................

I'm still feeling hungover from NYE on Monday and The Great Dane Christmas party last night. My immune system hates me right now. HATES ME. Hates me so much that I'm struggling to type. End.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Plot's End

2007-12-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

What the shit did I just watch? I'd like my $4 dollars back please, Blockbuster. I think I'm serious.

Around 7:00 last night, I decided to sit down and watch the final installment of Disney's money-making juggernaut known as Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The following is as good of a review as I can muster up at this point in the morning.

We open on those tightass English George-Washington-permed-hair-looking pricks hanging a bunch of people in the town square. Apparently these people had ties to pirates or something, and jolly old England ain't havin nothing of it. The Pirate life is coming to an end. OHMYGOSH, that's why it's called 'At World's End'! I get it! And that's the last thing I understood from this awful fucking movie. Cue next scene, where hotass Kierra Knightley is rowin a boat somewhere in east Asia. Do they have makeup in 1600whatever year it is? Anyways, so Kierra Knightley and that Barbosa guy go talk to Chow Yun Fat, some pirate lord guy who they need help from. He's got a map they need. Oh shit, there's Will Turner, played by Orlando Bloom. For some reason he's all tied up. Chow Yun Fat, who's sporting a sexy 2-foot long rat tail on his chin, says that Will Turner tried to steal it from him. Oddly, lovers Will and Kierra aren't getting along. Ok. Barbosa and Kierra tell Asian guy that all 9 Pirate 'Bretheren' are meeting to discuss things somewhere far away. He gets mad and demands more steam. STEAM! Steam baths are important back then, I presume. GOD DAMMIT MORE STEAM! "I NEED THAT SHIT TO FUNCTION!" he yells. He didn't really yell that, but he might as well have, cuz I laughed. Oh well you look at that - Barbosa's pirate hooligans have control of the underground steam room now and they're not doing a good job giving dude his hot air. There's shenanigans-a-brewin! Sure enough, Chow Yun Fat gets pissed and a fight ensues. Cue tightass English assholes, who politely knock on the door and let themselves in. PSYCH! They bust down that door with some force and its CRAYZAAAAYYYYYY! Theres swords and guns and people gettin stabbed. It's a free for all! Even some fireworks blast away in the night sky. You know, since they're in ASIA theres FIREWORKS! People die.

Whew, close call. Will Turner, Elizabeth, and Barbosa are ok. But those English assholes are persistent. They better do something drastic, before their world as they know it is over. They decide to go rescue Captain Jack Sparrow. Unfortunately for them, he's in 'Davey Jones' Locker' along with the Black Pearl. Davey Jones' locker isn't a small metal cabinet that houses dirty socks and smelly athletic shoes. It's a never-ending, white, barren land mass that bad people get sent to when an octopus swallows you in a Disney movie.

So you've got your main characters now, and some familiar faces from the previous films. Like the dude w/ the fake eye that pops out and his pudgy friend. You'd recognize the others, but I'm not going into detail. Next scene we see our wordsmith Jack Sparrow at the helm of his ship. And would you look at that - he's BAT SHIT CRAZY! There's tons of Jack Sparrows! THIS IS GREAT. Chicken Jack Sparrow's, Unattentive Jack Sparrows, a Jack Sparrow washin the poop deck, Jack Sparrow at the ship's wheel. This scene is stupid. He's going nowhere in this desert, as his ship is, well, not moving cuz it's on land. He comes to his senses and jumps overboard. He tries to skip stones on the land. It doesn't work. For some unknown reason, the stone is a crab. The crab calls his magic posse to appear and 2 million crabs carry him and the ship to the mouth of this purgatory basin, where our afforementioned friends have arrived. Some crewmen have died on the journey.

After the journey back to the real world, we're in this Pirate Bretheren Court room. The pirates have to decide what to do about the English assholes. Kierra Knightleys character is made Pirate King, and Keith Richards looks like he does in every day life: Nuts. Another plot twist happens at the mention of the Sea Goddess 'Calypso'. Apparently that Louisana looking/sounding woman from the bayou is some incredible sea creature with a power not to be messed with. I haven't understood a word this broad has said during the entire movie, so this is news to me. She has some wicked gingivitis.

This is where my review lacks, because Will Turner, Barbosa, Jack Sparrow, Hot Kierra Knightley, English Asshole Lord Beckett, and Tentacle man Davey Jones keep meeting up and trying to make deals with each other while the viewer is left jerking themselves off cuz nothing in this movie makes sense. It doesn't matter if you've seen the first two before. It doesn't matter if you've just got done watching 6 hours of the other 2 right before this one - you will be confused. Lets fast forward to the final scenes.

So the last remaining Pirates of the Earth gather to take on the European armada controlled by Lord Beckett, who has Davey Jones' heart in a box and therefore controls him and his ship 'the Dutchman'. Jack Sparrow still wants to kill Davey Jones. Will Turner still wants to bring his dead dad back from the clutches of the Dutchman ship. Hot Kierra Knightley still wants to wreck Lord Beckett for killing her father. Barbosa wants...well, he probably wants this movie to be over with.

The pirates bring up the Louisiana crawfish woman they've had locked up for a bit below deck. They're gonna release her (as she is Calypso - snap!), and hopefully she'll fuck up that English Armada. She breathes in some pirate marijuana and turns into the 50ft woman. I laugh, hysterically. It turns out she's a walking STD, because one minute later she turns into the crab posse from before. I don't get it, but I laugh harder. I'm not making this up people. Just as the armada closes in, a storm erupts and creates a swirling water sinkhole. The black pearl with our heroes aboard and the Dutchman boat with Davey Jones with some English assholes head into the waterhole for a battle of epic proportions.

"ARRGGH. RAISE THE SAILS. FIRE CANNONS. CHING CHING CHING. BLAST BOOM! WOOD CRACK. INCOHERENT PIRATE VOCABULARY. SEAWORTHY BOW. CRASH."
repeat. I can't understand what anyone is saying. People die.

The visual onslaught goes for 10 or 15 minutes. Davey Jones and Jack Sparrow somehow get on top of a huge sail and fight with swords. It also is hilarious. I'm so pissed at this movie right now and realize that I've been watching it for 2 and a half hours. I don't think Jack Sparrow is clever or funny anymore, and I don't care who wins. I just want to see a peak of Kierra Knightleys sideboob. Alas, no sideboob ever came. But her and Will Turner are kickin some ass! Then they get married by Barbosa on the ship during the skirmish. Compelling! They kiss and shit blows up around them in slow-motion. People probably die.

Except for the barnacle clad dead sea-creatures that are forced to be with the Dutchman ship. Boy, if I was in that battle, I would not want to swordfight an already dead being, because ITS ALREADY DEAD AND YOU CANT KILL IT. God this movie sucks. Johnny Sparrow drops the heart box and someone recovers it. Will Turner gets sworded by Davey Jones and Elizabeth is heartbroken. Crap, she was only married to him for 4 minutes. For shame. Someone gets distracted - probably by people dying off camera. And the next thing you know Jack Depp just stabbed Davey Jones' heart with the hand of a dying Will Turner. Is this shit over yet? Water sinkhole stops and everyone can breathe a breath of musty dead air.

Oh I get it. Will Turner now has to control the Dutchman for 10 years with the barnacle-clad dead sea creatures on the ship. But his dad is free? Or something. He's on a romantic getaway with Elizabeth. They make out on the beach. He gets on his ship and heads over to the black pearl to see if anyone aboard wants some egg rolls from East Asia. Lord Beckett sees his flying dutchman ship in the distance and is all happy because he thinks it's going to destroy the Black Pearl finally. By the way, how is that ship still floating? Pretty sure I saw wood cracking, sails ripping, etc - and that vessel should not be afloat still. Anyways. The Dutchman and the Pearl pull a fast one on the main Enghlish Asshole ship and go right for Lord Beckett. He freezes under pressure like Stevie Wonder on the free throw line. English assholes abandon ship as our heroes approach from both sides. Cannons shred the English ship and Lord Beckett's last words are from a Marketing Strategies class he took a couple years before, saying "It's just good business." What in the fuck? He dies.

Credits

Ummmmm. I was THIS close to stabbing my eyes with my keys, Disney!

Things I learned from Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

Don't have relations with any woman from Louisiana. She probably has crabs.
If you play with swords in Asia, you're gonna get burned. By fireworks.
17th century ships are indestructible. Many are still around today.
Kierra Knightley is hot no matter what she wears. Also - would be a better actress if she didn't speak.
French pirates are still the biggest assholes of the pirate world.
Keith Richards probably has a shrunken head of his mother in real life.
Johnny Depp has more money than your whole family, and mine put together x 5.

GRADE: D

New Look & November Tunes

2007-12-04T14:06:00.001-06:00

Hey internet folk,
As you can see, I changed the look of le blog. I didn't really like the other layouts color scheme, and my code/script knowledge is lacking, so for now you'll have to make due with the new look. Eventually when I fire up dreamweaver (props to Mom for CS3 for Christmas!) I'll hopefully get the look I want to have.
I don't want to 'adhere' to blog guidelines, but if you've noticed - most blogs have a theme. Music, sports, hobbies, what have you. Why should I choose a subject? Maybe I don't want to. I don't know why I felt the need to validate my OWN blog to you just now. Well.....this is awk-warrrrd. I'll leave you with November tunes, and hopes that the next entry will be a LOT more exciting.

November:
13) Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn
12) Jay-Z - Blue Magic
11) 40 Watt Hype - Strong Feet on the Concrete
10) Five Finger Deathpunch - The Bleeding
9) The Stone Roses - Love Spreads
8) Shop Boyz ft David Banner - They Like Me
7) Paul Van Dyk ft Jessica Sutta - White Lies
6) DJ Babu & Jurassic 5 - Ducky Boy
5) Kanye West - Drunk and Hot Girls
4) Common - The People
3) Atmosphere - Watch Out! (hey you)
1) (tie) Felt - Breaker Down like a Shotgun
1) (tie) Biffy Clyro - Living is a problem because Everything Dies.

Lunch Break at Happy Wok

2007-11-06T16:20:00.000-06:00

So today I decided to take my lunch at Happy Wok, a small Chinese joint about 2 minutes from my new place of employment. The following is what I wrote down, for no apparent reason, while I was eating.

Happy Wok, east side. 3:00pm. November 6, 2007.

The pictures of food in Chinese restaurants...oh boy. Stock food photography from 1987 - when they really used chicken, beef, and shrimp. Now it's just chicken, beef, and shrimp-flavored terrier. There's a reason they can't update those pictures on the light-up menu.

This is going to sound really stereotypical, but I don't care. If I saw anyone other than an Asian-looking individual cooking my food in the kitchen, I'd leave immediately. Speaking of, why are all Oriental kitchen's open-aired? It's begging the customer, "Yeah - look at me cook your food. Make sure I'm not doing anything gross!"

Chinese fans. They're pretty cool.

It's chilly outside today, and it's really chilly inside this place. I think they have the A/C on.

I'm drinking Mt. Dew out of a 20oz styrofoam cup. It's red with twin white dragons on it.

There's nothing hotter than that Chinese Mustard. Shit is lethal. That weapon will clear out your sinuses at the peak of your worst head cold ever. Tough stuff.

What part of the chicken could this piece have come from? Is this Sesame chicken, or mystery chicken?

I wonder how much more expensive the to-go white cartons with metal handles are over the ones that are handle-less?

WOW! There are some brocolli spears at the bottom! It's like I discovered buried treasure! Time - 3:25.

Oooh. That was a fatty piece of chicken. ::shudder::

Mt Dew refill - 3:27.

I wish white rice was nutritional. It's easy to make and I like it.

Happy Wok delivery drivers. Is there anything scarier? (Besides the chicken I'm still eating? Jesus, was that a beak I just ate?)

Most expensive thing on the menu - Family Size seafood delight - $9.99.

Definitely just finished a dinner size order of Sesame chicken on my lunch break. I'm sorry, stomach. I'm sure I'll be paying for it later...

My fortune cookie was distributed by: Asian Foods, Inc. St. Paul, MN. Minnesota? Interesting, sorta. My fortune: *Remember 3 months from this date. Good things are in store for you* Ooooh, a cliffhanger!!! I'll clear my schedule! Lucky #'s- 3, 10, 19, 22, 32, 46. When I was younger, I made it up that my fortune wouldn't come true unless I ate it with the cookie. I did it numerous times. Looking back on it, I think I did it just to get a rise out of people. I dunno.

Finished: 3:39. Back to the daily grind (of typing this up on the clock. Hah, suckaz!)

Whudafxup with: Trailer Hitch Nuts?

2007-10-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

Exactly what type of man do you have to be to put hanging testicles on your truck's trailer hitch?
A) Misogynistic
B) Insecure
C) Redneck
D) All of the above

Was your manhood questioned previous to those fake balls being placed on your hitch? Did you lose a drag race? Muddin' just not cuttin it these days for truck decor? I just don't understand why anyone would want an ornament like that on their ride. Sure you can put a 'bra' on your sportscar. But that's classy. Strap a swaying scrotum on your truck - you're an asshole. I find it hard to believe that I could befriend someone who has one. What could we have in common? Nothing. I looked up these 'truck nutz' websites, and the expected result was proven. Websites that probably don't have a webmaster because they look like they were made in the early 1990's. Remember early in high school, when you travelled over to those personal web pages hosted by angelfire? These are worse. See for yourself & try not to gouge your eyes out:
http://www.bullsballs.com, http://www.bumpernuts.com, http://www.trucknutz.com.
The worst part about all of this is that some prick is swimming in money in the bayou behind his house now. He's probably got some fat pockets. And it's not because of his testicles. I'd write more on the topic, but I can't because it irritates me. In the meantime, I'll think of a way to produce a vinyl sticker of tits to place your car's hood. Shit - now I'm the asshole.

answers: 1) D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7rUxsN-GNk < watch this